All Alone with No Family?

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I am married and have a 4 yr old son. My parents and my side of the family live 10 hrs away but where we live, my wife’s family lives in the same town. My wife’s dad has passed away, but her mom is around and re married and she has cousins, aunts uncles, around town. The problem is this… except for one aunt/uncle, no one ever has an interest in spending time with my son. The grandmother comes over for 15 min a week and doesnt even play with him, let alone take him for a couple hours to give mom and dad a break. The cousins dont do anything and my wife is a only child, so we dont have any siblings to fall back on… anotherwords, we as parents never get a break. Also, it really stinks for our son that his only grandmother around town never wants to spend quality time with him. We know lots of people who have grandchildren and they are always begging to babysit their grandkids… But my son doesnt have that, and thats hard for him and for us. He asked me the other day, why his grandmother doesnt have any toys for him to play with at her house like other kids grandparents. The Grandmother is only 55 yrs old. I dont get it. Before we had a child everyone kept asking when are you going to have kids… Now that we have one, Where is the family? It would be SO nice if some in the family, especially this grandmother would have a desire to want to babysit her only grandchild for a couple hours a week. And it would def. help my relationship with my wife and give us some time to spend just the two of us… SO, what do I do? Do I bring the subject up to the whole family or even to the grandmother or will that make matters worse? Thanks for your advice everyone!
 
Why do you feel entitled to free baby sitting by relatives? I ask this honestly.

If you and wife need to get away, then you can hire a baby sitter, ask a family member to babysit, etc.

In my situation, we are 5 hours from any family what so ever. When we do visit, I want the family to feel free to enjoy the children as they want to- I don’t expect them to care for my children for me, and we don’t normally leave the children with them. When we want a date, we hire a babysitter, and go on one. We usually only get away once or twice a year for a date, but that is how our budget is at this time.

Perhaps your grandmother isn’t a child person- I know I’m not. I like my kids, but I’m only passingly interested in other family members. Personally, I wouldn’t watch them outside of an extra ordinary circumstance.

If your child feels lonely, why not find another family with a child his age to become friends with?
 
I live about 20 minutes by car from my mother. Of course, I don’t have a car, and by train and public transportation, which though good near my house is terrible near hers, it takes at least an hour. My mother does, however, have a car.

If my mother visits my children three times a year, that’s a lot. I have two sisters, one who lives next door to my mother, and the other who lives in a place with NO public transportation near it, meaning I cannot get there at all.

They are willing to invite my children to the cousins’ birthday parties and will pick them up at the nearest train station, but no more than this.

When my children were younger, we hired a baby sitter so we could go on dates. Now that the oldest is a teenager, we hire her. We don’t ask my mother to babysit anymore. She acted like it was a pain, even when it was for an emergency, such as my having a baby.

My husband’s family lives 10,000 miles away.

We don’t expect babysitting out of our families, but we know how it important it is to have time alone together. Hence the hiring of babysitters.
 
The lack of interest, especially by a grandmother, does strike me as odd. I don’t see you want “free babysitting” so much as a rich, happy extended family for your son to learn from, grow, share and develop. Everyone I know who is a grandmother is wild about the little ones and seems to live for visits, outings, games and toys.

How about this? The direct approach. Pick either the grandmother (55) or the relative that seems most kind and receptive. Then, in the softest, most respectful, flattering way possible, ask that person what you asked us.

Say, “Granny, you are just the sort of bright, warm person I am thrilled to have for my son’s grandmother. I feel he will benefit by spending time with you and from your positive influence. Yet, and forgive me if I’m wrong, sometimes I wonder if maybe you don’t really care to spend much time with him? If that’s the case, I’d really appreciate your telling me why? Is there anything about him you want me to know?”

If she seems receptive and says she loves the little guy, lead up to, “Without imposing on you in any way, I wonder if we could arrange some regular times when the boy comes to visit you? It’s important for kids to be exposed to different quality adult relatives as part of their personality development. If it makes it easier, I’d be happy to buy a small supply of toys and games for you to keep at your place so he’ll be occupied.” — Or something along those lines? —
 
My family lives over 600 miles away, and we are now estranged, but when weren’t they too acted as if it was a burden to watch the grandkids though they used our home as a hotel (we
live in a desirable place to visit, unlike their area) - once we went out they let the diaper fill till it exploded, my other child told us it was a huge mess they couldn’t escape cleaning.

I wouldn’t push it, a sitter is less hassle and, sad to say, probably more interested in child.
If there are other relatives, I’ d invite them over to socialize, but not assume you will get childcare. That may come naturally, but at least you will have family ties.
 
Thomas31 said:
I am married and have a 4 yr old son. My parents and my side of the family live 10 hrs away but where we live, my wife’s family lives in the same town. My wife’s dad has passed away, but her mom is around and re married and she has cousins, aunts uncles, around town. The problem is this… except for one aunt/uncle, no one ever has an interest in spending time with my son. The grandmother comes over for 15 min a week and doesnt even play with him, let alone take him for a couple hours to give mom and dad a break. The cousins dont do anything and my wife is a only child, so we dont have any siblings to fall back on… anotherwords, we as parents never get a break. Also, it really stinks for our son that his only grandmother around town never wants to spend quality time with him. We know lots of people who have grandchildren and they are always begging to babysit their grandkids… But my son doesnt have that, and thats hard for him and for us. He asked me the other day, why his grandmother doesnt have any toys for him to play with at her house like other kids grandparents. The Grandmother is only 55 yrs old. I dont get it. Before we had a child everyone kept asking when are you going to have kids… Now that we have one, Where is the family? It would be SO nice if some in the family, especially this grandmother would have a desire to want to babysit her only grandchild for a couple hours a week. And it would def. help my relationship with my wife and give us some time to spend just the two of us… SO, what do I do? Do I bring the subject up to the whole family or even to the grandmother or will that make matters worse? Thanks for your advice everyone!
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I’m sorry, but your post is full of you wanting a break from your child (nothing wrong with that) but then you go on as if it someone else’s responsibility to provide you with this break. Look, not all grandmothers (and maybe it is her age) have the grandma gene… I am sorry your mother in law isn’t like that—for your child’s sake. But it is what it is. I think it will not help your situation to bring it up. You need to arrange for a babysitter or swap hours with other parents you know with some free time for them in exchange for watching your child.

P.S., if you want grandma to have toys at her house, bring her some… 😉
 
It is too bad that your mother in law does not seem too interested in her grandson, but you seem more concerned by the fact that you think you are entitled to free babysitting and you’re not getting it.

If you and your wife need a break, hire a babysitter. Having family members who are willing and enjoy watching your children would be nice, but it is unreasonable to expect them to. Why do you think caring for your child is somehow partially their responsibility?
 
To be fair to OP- caring for children is traditionally something families do. It is not out-of-the-ordinary to expect some help. Grandparents used to have caregiving roles and many families used to care for their elderly at home. Day care/pre-school and institutionalization of “care” has made family think they should be paid for caring (on occasion, not say full-time) and so they refuse to watch kids,

Child rearing tough, give someone your time and skip the shower gifts, I bet they’ll love you for it.

To turn the question around, why wouldn’t family automatically help? Why shouldn’t they?

And as an aisde: I wonderif the smaller families and post partnum depression are due to a lack of support, as in help. I’ll watch baby you sleep. My spouse and I had/have no help- it is exhausting and I always wondered about those stupid post partnum articles re: depression- everything to do. All I wanted to do was sleep, thankfully my spouse let me.

Want to hep a new mom? Let her sleep.
 
I’m sorry you are in this situation. I don’t know what your mil is like, but my in-laws need to be prodded. Is it possible that you need to take charge of fostering the relationship? Can you call up Grandma and invite her to the zoo with you and your child? Pop over sometime just to say hi to her? When she does come over, can you facilitate communication between her and the child by saying things like, “Mom, Junior just got this new toy and would love to show it to you.” or (assuming you think there is a good chance Grandma will respond kindly) by telling your child to bring a book to Grandma and ask her to read it to him? Have you ever asked her if you can bring your child over to the house, or if you can keep some toys over there etc… Is it possible that your mil would be WILLING to be more Grandmotherly, but just isn’t a natural at it?

Otherwise, I think you need to try to find a support system of friends, who can become your “family-by-choice.” Whether it is neighbors, or people who share interests, or (my favorite) people who share your faith and values, if you put the investment into finding or making a support system, you might find that closeness that you are seeking.
 
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. To clarify, I am not looking for family to babysit all the time or to even do it for free. The grandmother does go out with us as a family for certain activities. What I think is strange is the fact that she never calls to say, "Hey, I was wondering if I could spend some time with the grandson today for a couple hours. Just the two of us. What also is a little strange is she is a Elementary School Nurse… So she is used to little kids. I mean, when daycare is closed during School Vacation, Isnt it strange that she never takes my kid for a couple hours during that week the two of them are off? I dont mean babysit all day, every day, but a couple hours once in a while, to me, would be considered the Norm, is it not? I dont know, I just dont get it. As far as hiring a babysitter, we may have to do just that, but we dont really have anyone we can call upon. So, it makes it hard. The Son is a wonderful boy, he really is. But when the wife and I were growing up, we both had grandparents that would take us for a couple hours every once in a while. And like I said, we know alot of people that constantly are posting things on your facebook about how their parents are doing all kind of things with their grandkids. I just wish my son had a grandmother near by that would show an interest in him. And yes, she does come over once a week for 15 min or so and does bring him treats or whatever. Oh well, maybe alot of you cant relate… but I do get frustrated with it. Thanks for Praying for the situation 🙂
 
Thomas31 said:
What I think is strange is the fact that she never calls to say, "Hey, I was wondering if I could spend some time with the grandson today for a couple hours. Just the two of us.
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I think it is less than ideal, but I don’t know if it is “abnormal.” My mil, who raised 7 children of her own, and is very “used to” kids, is not the type to say something like that. She just wouldn’t bring it up - she’s socially shy that way. She has 13 grandchildren, 8 of whom live in town with her, and I don’t know if she’s EVER been so forward about wanting to spend time with one of them.
Thomas31 said:
What also is a little strange is she is a Elementary School Nurse… So she is used to little kids. I mean, when daycare is closed during School Vacation, Isnt it strange that she never takes my kid for a couple hours during that week the two of them are off? I dont mean babysit all day, every day, but a couple hours once in a while, to me, would be considered the Norm, is it not?
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Sure, I think it would be normal to have Grandma babysit now and then. But what I’m not sure I understand is when you say she “never takes my kid…” Are you saying that she has never offered to watch your son, or are you saying that you have asked her multiple times and she always says no? My point is, some people will never offer - whether it’s because they’re not very “socially smart” to understand that the child would want it, or because they’re insecure, or because they are not intuitive about the needs of others. I was surprised to learn how shy and insecure my mil is with her own family, and even more so with her daughters in law.

I will say though, that the relationship that my mil and fil have with our kids is not what we wish it would be. There is more contact, even though they live 70 miles away, and they will make themselves available to us anytime we ask. But when we visit them, unless we make an effort to push the kids and them together, they will go all weekend without having any meaningful conversations with the kids. It’s not normal, but it’s just who they are. So you’re not alone in your frustration. Unfortunately, in the 11 years since we’ve been parents, we’ve slowly come to terms with the fact that the relationships that our family has with the extended family is just not going to be as good as we originally wished. Sometimes it makes us sad, other times angry, other times hurt…But then you have to get proactive, and for the sake of your kids, make happen whatever you want for them. Maybe you can become the leader to your parents, or maybe you can forge other close relationships.
 
Thomas31 said:
Thanks everyone for your thoughts. To clarify, I am not looking for family to babysit all the time or to even do it for free. The grandmother does go out with us as a family for certain activities. What I think is strange is the fact that she never calls to say, "Hey, I was wondering if I could spend some time with the grandson today for a couple hours. Just the two of us. What also is a little strange is she is a Elementary School Nurse… So she is used to little kids. I mean, when daycare is closed during School Vacation, Isnt it strange that she never takes my kid for a couple hours during that week the two of them are off? I dont mean babysit all day, every day, but a couple hours once in a while, to me, would be considered the Norm, is it not? I dont know, I just dont get it. As far as hiring a babysitter, we may have to do just that, but we dont really have anyone we can call upon. So, it makes it hard. The Son is a wonderful boy, he really is. But when the wife and I were growing up, we both had grandparents that would take us for a couple hours every once in a while. And like I said, we know alot of people that constantly are posting things on your facebook about how their parents are doing all kind of things with their grandkids. I just wish my son had a grandmother near by that would show an interest in him. And yes, she does come over once a week for 15 min or so and does bring him treats or whatever. Oh well, maybe alot of you cant relate… but I do get frustrated with it. Thanks for Praying for the situation 🙂
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I don’t think you can always believe everything you read on facebook. If you posted about the times grandma came along on an outing, or her weekly visit, to somebody else that may seem like a lot or they may feel jealous of you.

Many older people have the opinion of “I’ve raised my children already” and are happy to be done with it. That’s not a crime. That’s just who they are. Yes it would be nice if they wanted to help out, and give you a break, or spend time with your son, but the very fact she does work as an Elementary School Nurse could be the very reason she doesn’t spend more time with your son. She spends enough time with other people’s children already.

Also, you mention that your wife is an only child. Obviously this may not have been by choice, BUT if it was a deliberate choice, I think that would make it fairly clear that your MIL is just not a kid person. She also may not really know how to interact with younger children that well. I’ve heard that only children are often treated more like grown ups. Did your wife find this to be the case growing up? Perhaps as your son grows older she will take more of an interest, perhaps as a previous poster said you should make more initiative and ask if she would like to spend more time with son. She might not even think it is the right thing for her to be doing.

Don’t assume anything without asking first. If you ask and she still doesn’t make the initiative then you have your answer, and you’ll have to accept it for what she does give. Visiting weekly and going on outings with you. Doesn’t sound all that bad to me…
 
I understand where you’re coming from. I was lucky to have grandparents who took me on trips, would visit and were involved in my life. My dad would make a wonderful grandparent for example but sadly my days of having kids are over and by the time my siblings decide to have kids my dad may be too old. I would like some kids to borrow once in awhile to take out and do stuff with
and be and Aunt to as I had a great aunt who would take me out to do stuff with her. Extended family who are involved are wonderful to have but can be hard to find.
 
Personally I think randomly a grandparent randomly calling up and saying “I want to spend time with my grandson today” is weird. It’s a good sentiment but calling out of left field like that is not something I’d be used to. Maybe it’s because I’ve always lived 5+ hours away from my and my wife’s parents and am currently a 10-hour drive from them.

I think even if we lived closer at least my parents would never call and say that. They might say “hey, we want to see all of you” or “hey come on over to our place” but singling out our kids? Probably not. My in-laws would be more apt to randomly say “let us watch the kids, you guys go out.” That said, both are equally as likely to say yes if we ever asked them to watch our kids and would equally enjoy the heck out of them. They just have different personalities.

My in-laws call my wife pretty much every day for a chat of a few minutes. My parents call me or vice versa maybe once a week or once every two weeks. We love each other but my parents don’t ever want to be seen as intruding into our lives. I appreciate the heck out of that even though I would not mind them calling more often.

So there you go. She might just feel like a request like you suggest would be out of place. Why not just ask every once in awhile if she could babysit?
 
Thomas31 said:
… What I think is strange is the fact that **she never calls to say, "Hey, I was wondering if I could spend some time with the grandson today for a couple hours. **Just the two of us. What also is a little strange is she is a Elementary School Nurse… So she is used to little kids. …I dont mean babysit all day, every day, but a couple hours once in a while, to me, would be considered the Norm, is it not?..when the wife and I were growing up, we both had grandparents that would take us for a couple hours every once in a while. And like I said, we know alot of people that constantly are posting things on your facebook about how their parents are doing all kind of things with their grandkids. I just wish my son had a grandmother near by that would show an interest in him. And yes, she does come over once a week for 15 min or so and does bring him treats or whatever. Oh well, maybe alot of you cant relate… but I do get frustrated with it. Thanks for Praying for the situation 🙂
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Has she outright said, “No!” to babysitting? Has she otherwise expressed that she doesn’t like watching your son? You might try asking your wife to ask her mom to babysit. She could be waiting for you to ask.

(And… if you have asked her and she said no or seemed put-out at the request, then you have my sympathy. I understand exactly how that feels.)
 
I can relate with OP. I deal with similar circumstances except it is not my in-laws but my own parents. I have a young daughter and son and live about 1 hour away from parents and 4 siblings. My parents and siblings never seemed too interested in my kids from infant stage to current ages of 8 and 13. It is just the way it has been and I have learned to accept it but it has left a hurtful feeling in my heart. I intend to never be the same if I have grandkids. Actually, this situation has brought me closer to God and my Catholic faith.

I think it all boils down to pure selfishness with their time. My wife coming from a close knit family very gently confronted my mother once over the phone about why they never want to be part of the grandchildren’s lives. She was told by my mom the following : “I raised my kids and don’t intend to raise any others”…I lost a lot of respect for my own mother when I heard this but I still love her and always will. We never expected some fulltime babysitting service nor did we ask for that…We just wanted them to come visit us or call and tell us to bring the kids down for Sunday dinner and to go fishing or something like that…The thing that really hurts is I see the same pitiful attitude of some of the earlier posters on this thread assuming people like my wife and I or the OP to this thread want a babysitting service when really we just want them to gladly be part of our lives.

My parents are devout Catholics but their lack of wanting to be part of my life or my kids lives makes me wonder how much they really know about the love Jesus expects us to have towards each other.

I pray for the OP and all others dealing with family so selfish they put other interest in front of their own children and grandchildren. God bless you all!
 
It’s not her responsibility to provide toys for your son, nor is it her responsibility to give you a break from your parental duties. She has a life to live too.
 
When I saw the title of this thread, I was thinking it was a single person whose family had passed or lives far away and they were truly “all alone with no family”

Dude…you have family. I’d LOVE to have a problem like yours.
 
Irishmom2 said:
P.S., if you want grandma to have toys at her house, bring her some… 😉
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I agree with the premise, but would like to point out that it was not op who wanted toys for grandson to be there. The four year old wondered why other kids’ grandparents keep toys there for the grandkids, but his don’t. OP, ask Grandma if you can keep a few toys there, even a few small cars. If grandma objects to toys, clutter, and noise, ask her if you can bring a single coloring book and some crayons.
 
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