Allowed to live my life?

[JustinK]

Hey,

I have always had an issue of not feeling allowed to live my own life. I get super excited about the simplest of things just because I haven’t had the experiences everybody else does. While this is good, I am getting kind of tired of feeling like I can’t live and enjoy things.

Part of what stops me is my Catholic upbringing. I have a filter in my head which I believe will be there forever. This is a good thing, but it’s also rather preventative. I know that I am a good person. But, goodness and love isn’t enough. You have to be sorry for being yourself. I don’t want to die feeling like I have to apologize for having lived.

I have always been shy. This is also part of what stops me from getting out there. I have grown up seeing everybody live happily. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. I am depressed.

I know the reason for my depression. After 12 years of Catholic teaching, I went to college. There were more than normal things going on which caused me to question EVERYTHING. But just because something is ‘normal’ doesn’t make it ‘ok’. It made me confused beyond words and brought me to tears multiple times.

I know we have been taught that we are all inherently evil and we should strive to be holy. I get that. But after 25 years of mental seclusion, I don’t want to be perfect. I just want to live one day with the contentment I had when I was a child. I want to not even feel bad about doing something as simple as actually enjoying a haircut and not think about enjoying it TOO much. Yea, you read that right. A haircut. It’s a psychology thing. I don’t know why I like the silly things I like so much, I just do. Getting a slushie at the gas station, the little nuances of life people really don’t see, I see imperfection as beautiful. I see love as awesome. Jesus loved everybody. But not sinning is terrible. I mean, we should strive to be holy, but it’s so painful.

Someone is going to tell me that it’s not easy to be Catholic. I believe it truly is. All you have to do is do nothing but love. And I mean nothing. Sounds hard, right? It’s not. But it really is not fun. I don’t know how Jesus enjoyed his life without sinning. That is all we know. And it’s so pervasive in human nature that we often times question every little thing we do as sinful or not. I don’t want to live like that.

If everybody were perfect, we would not have a reason for Heaven after Earth. We would not have ANYTHING we do now. We would not have schools for learning because knowledge is evil. Remember the apple? What the tree was called? We would not have all of these awesome songs that we, as humans, can relate to because we are the same. We would not know what evil is, so we wouldn’t know when we experience goodness and love.

I understand how love can heal. But the Devil can’t be as pervasive as we think. According to Catholicism, the world is BROKEN. But I look around and see happiness, love, and acceptance. A big topic nowadays is gay marriage. While I disagree with it, they are genuinely happy to be who they are without judgement. Isn’t that how we are told to love? Without judgement?

I understand that we should convert people. But at the moment, I’m the worst person to tell someone about Catholicism. It’d be like telling someone, ‘Hey, want to feel worthless and continuously beat yourself up and try to be what we literally cannot be: perfect?’ They’re happy how they are.

Which is where Invincible Ignorance comes in. Oh, Invincible Ignorance. It makes me not want to tell anybody about anything because I don’t want them to have to look into it and make them feel wrong for living. Or they’ll just call me crazy. It seems like such a two-edged sword. People who aren’t Catholic can live a good life with as much of a chance of Heaven because they don’t know the ‘Truth’, but people who are Catholic have to continuously look into Catholicism.

I’m not trying to bash my religion and I’m sorry if it comes off that way. I’m just confused and literally aching to live my life. I can live it with love and forgiveness and understanding for others. But then again, love without faith does nothing. It seems either way, I am going to hate myself simply because I can’t accept myself.

I need to learn self-acceptance. I have never found a way how. Maybe I need to find tools to help with that.

But what if that’s ‘the Devil?’ What if everyone telling me it’s okay to live and I’m a nice guy is not Jesus but rather, the Devil falsely informing me that it’s okay to do this or that.

Sorry for ranting, this has been on my mind for my whole life. And it needed to come out.

 

[Ad_Orientem]

Hi Justin,

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so. Some thoughts that occurred to me while reading your post:

– It is helpful to realize that the call to perfection does not demand *instantaneous *perfection. Nor does it mean we cannot enjoy the simple things in life. Nor does it mean we have to sacrifice all happiness now so that we can be happy hereafter. It *does *mean we make choices about the kinds of things we derive our joy from, but this need not rule out “simple joys” except as ends in themselves.

– Joy in this life is always mixed with sorrow. The two are in fact compatible (think of our Lord looking forward to sharing the last supper with the apostles).

– We will suffer whether we “follow the rules” or not. No one is exempt from trials and difficulties, no matter how much power he has or how much license he exercises. True freedom is not license, but the power to do good. That is what makes us truly happy (speaking from experience here, not just theology).

True, the sinner left to “do his thing” without interference from God’s Law may, on some low level, enjoy more momentary happiness than if his life were “stifled” by Church teaching. Similarly, you may ruin someone’s day by informing him that he has a brain tumor that needs to be removed immediately. But what a poor reason not to tell him!

I assume you are using hyperbole where you describe Church teaching as “man is inherently evil.” Just in case you are not, the Church does not teach that.

 

[Richard_White]

Ad Orientem summed up some god responses to your post. The only thing that I want to comment on is that the Catholic Chirch does NOT teach that man is inherently evil. The Church teaches that all creation is inherently good and can become evil by its own pride and sinful actions.

May God bless you abundantly and forever and grant you peace in His Holy Catholic Faith!

 

[Mary_Estelle]

You ARE living your life. The Church is not preventing you search for happiness. Fuzzy Wazzy was a bear in so is your search for happiness, joyfulness, contentment and fulfillment. It is a bit fuzzy. Somewhere you changed the ideal of happiness and stuffed it into a back, dusty corner.

The Church, via way of Jesus wants you to be positive rather than negative. You are blessed in so many, uncountable ways that you seem to be unaware of. Remember that old song, “If you are tired and can not sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep?” I think your counting sheep.

There is no such condition of complete happiness while we tread this earth. There is the “pursuit of happiness” in this life, for the next. It is even referred to in our Constitution as a right to pursue, but not a blanket guarantee.

Happiness is where you find it. Look within and you will find it, in good measure. That dose not mean that there won’t be an occasional leak in the vessel. Even Jesus had a few dark moments as God-man, on earth.

I won’t tell you to talk to a priest, seek counseling or that you may be depressed; you already know that. I would encourage you to do for your own peace of mind. I will, however, pray for you. All of the above post is my own opinion/slant on your post. Peace and prayers for you.

 

[wifecatholic74]

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I will keep you in my prayers. If you ever want to chat message me. I have experience working as a volunteer with people who are depressed and as a life coach. I also have a few disabilities that keep me from living as fully as I would like. God Bless,
Kris

 

[JustinK]

Hi Justin,

I’m sorry to hear you are struggling so. Some thoughts that occurred to me while reading your post:

– It is helpful to realize that the call to perfection does not demand *instantaneous *perfection. Nor does it mean we cannot enjoy the simple things in life. Nor does it mean we have to sacrifice all happiness now so that we can be happy hereafter. It *does *mean we make choices about the kinds of things we derive our joy from, but this need not rule out “simple joys” except as ends in themselves.

– Joy in this life is always mixed with sorrow. The two are in fact compatible (think of our Lord looking forward to sharing the last supper with the apostles).

– We will suffer whether we “follow the rules” or not. No one is exempt from trials and difficulties, no matter how much power he has or how much license he exercises. True freedom is not license, but the power to do good. That is what makes us truly happy (speaking from experience here, not just theology).

True, the sinner left to “do his thing” without interference from God’s Law may, on some low level, enjoy more momentary happiness than if his life were “stifled” by Church teaching. Similarly, you may ruin someone’s day by informing him that he has a brain tumor that needs to be removed immediately. But what a poor reason not to tell him!

I assume you are using hyperbole where you describe Church teaching as “man is inherently evil.” Just in case you are not, the Church does not teach that.

Thank you for your response. The thing about perfection is that I don’t necessarily want it. But we should. Maybe it’s the poet in me, but there are always flowers for those that wish to see them and imperfection is amazing.

I agree that without sorrow, we could not experience joy. This is what I love about this life. However, when depressed, you are indifferent to such things so it doesn’t bother you one way or the other. It’s kind of like a weird humility without being humble. I don’t care to have a big house, so I don’t need a big house.

Suffering is universal. I believe it’s all about attitude, though. I mean, maybe Jesus is the answer to our salvation. Maybe the answer is in our minds. I really like your idea of alleviating suffering by doing good. It would make the world a better place.

I understand your point about telling people they have a ‘tumor’. But wouldn’t that just be an opinion to him? I’m sure other religions are told to evangelize as well. This of your reaction when Jehovah’s Witnesses show up at your door. You appreciate their view, but to you, it’s not the right one so you dismiss it.

As for Man being evil, I meant that Man was born with original sin. As such, we are tainted with evil the moment we are born. Otherwise, there would be no point to Baptism or Confirmation. Perhaps this notion means that we all have a natural inclination to sin, but we all can avoid it just as easily. I just hate seeing people and their good intended actions as evil.

I’m sorry if I sound stubborn, I don’t really discuss my own beliefs with anyone except myself. I really do appreciate your insight and thank you again for posting.

 

[JustinK]

Ad Orientem summed up some god responses to your post. The only thing that I want to comment on is that the Catholic Chirch does NOT teach that man is inherently evil. The Church teaches that all creation is inherently good and can become evil by its own pride and sinful actions.

May God bless you abundantly and forever and grant you peace in His Holy Catholic Faith!

Yea, I can understand that. I think I was confused with Original Sin being with us from the moment we are born. It seemed that we are automatically damned because of it. I like your interpretation of what the Church says. It seems to be a lot better than mine. I see people as good with good intentions. Their actions are what make them bad. That’s a much better way to look at people than what I previously thought. Thanks!

 

[JustinK]

You ARE living your life. The Church is not preventing you search for happiness. Fuzzy Wazzy was a bear in so is your search for happiness, joyfulness, contentment and fulfillment. It is a bit fuzzy. Somewhere you changed the ideal of happiness and stuffed it into a back, dusty corner.

The Church, via way of Jesus wants you to be positive rather than negative. You are blessed in so many, uncountable ways that you seem to be unaware of. Remember that old song, “If you are tired and can not sleep, just count your blessings instead of sheep?” I think your counting sheep.

There is no such condition of complete happiness while we tread this earth. There is the “pursuit of happiness” in this life, for the next. It is even referred to in our Constitution as a right to pursue, but not a blanket guarantee.

Happiness is where you find it. Look within and you will find it, in good measure. That dose not mean that there won’t be an occasional leak in the vessel. Even Jesus had a few dark moments as God-man, on earth.

I won’t tell you to talk to a priest, seek counseling or that you may be depressed; you already know that. I would encourage you to do for your own peace of mind. I will, however, pray for you. All of the above post is my own opinion/slant on your post. Peace and prayers for you.

Thank you, Mary. It just seems that I was so close to ‘breaking out of my shell’ and then out of nowhere, I had a bunch of negative religious thoughts. I must have made a connection that has further prevented me from being who I am.

I have the wonderful mindset that if you have a good attitude about something, you can accomplish anything. I am blessed. I have a home, family, able to stand on my own two feet, and air in my lungs. I like that song, I hadn’t heard of it until now. It might make going to bed happier instead of lonely.

I agree that nobody can be happy 100% of their life. But, you can have a good outlook on life. According to the Church (and my thoughts), all you need to be happy is God. That’s literally all it takes. He’ll provide you with what you need. However, I want to try it how other people live because I haven’t before. That may be a sin, but what if this is just one belief? I feel like I have to find myself on a faith journey. Maybe that’s what you mean by ‘look within’. Maybe you meant I’d find Jesus by looking within myself. Either way, I need to find something.

I appreciate that you’re not telling me to talk to a priest, find a counselor, or anything else. I have heard all that before. Thank you for your concern. It means a lot to me that a complete stranger can care so much.

 

[JustinK]

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I will keep you in my prayers. If you ever want to chat message me. I have experience working as a volunteer with people who are depressed and as a life coach. I also have a few disabilities that keep me from living as fully as I would like. God Bless,
Kris

Thank you. I might take you up on that. It’s nice to be able to relate to someone.

 

[Dorothy]

Ad Orientem summed up some god responses to your post. The only thing that I want to comment on is that the Catholic Chirch does NOT teach that man is inherently evil. The Church teaches that all creation is inherently good and can become evil by its own pride and sinful actions.

May God bless you abundantly and forever and grant you peace in His Holy Catholic Faith!

Yes, we are wounded in our nature, and not inherently evil. In our fallen state we have a tendency to sin, but Jesus Christ our Lord is the remedy.

 

[Dorothy]

Justin,

I just wanted to add that our Lord Jesus Christ enjoyed things in his life. Our Blessed Mother, I am sure, cooked food that He liked. In fact, our Lord wants to fill us with joy to the fullest!

The saints reached the mountain peak of perfection. They were deeply peaceful and truly happy!

May the Lord bless you on your journey with Him,

Dorothy

 

[JustinK]

Justin,

I just wanted to add that our Lord Jesus Christ enjoyed things in his life. Our Blessed Mother, I am sure, cooked food that He liked. In fact, our Lord wants to fill us with joy to the fullest!

The saints reached the mountain peak of perfection. They were deeply peaceful and truly happy!

May the Lord bless you on your journey with Him,

Dorothy

That makes sense. Haven’t thought of that.

 

[JustinK]

What do you guys think about dating outside of religion? It never was an issue for me before, but now it’s on my mind. Do we have to date people who share our beliefs. What if we love them but they don’t believe some things we do? It might make it easier, but I don’t even know what I believe in yet. My mom’s into her religion but my dad isn’t. We were still raised Catholic, though. She just enjoyed her time with him when they were dating.

I really, really don’t want this to affect who I love now, too. I have a hard enough time with relationships. I figure God would want us to be happy (fruitful) and multiply. But what’s the point if we’re not multiplying Catholics? Would we be choosing to go against God by doing so? Seems so. So I guess that would be wrong, then. It seems really hard to be a single, shy male in today’s society with the want to get out of my bubble but to please people at the same time, before making sure it’s what I want. And it’s not supposed to be what I want anyway. It’s supposed to be what God wants. Eh, I don’t know. More confusion from my mind that never stops with this stuff.

 

[CRATUS]

From reading this post, I feel similarly to you. I constantly worrying about my sins and if I am living my life right until it gets the point where I am just screw it – no matter what I do I will fail or will never be enough. I read somewhere in the bible worrying does not good and will lead you look older than your actually are. That scared me. I was like oh heck no.

Anyways, maybe try journal. Do not take the rules of the faith so seriously. Not to say sin is not a big deal, sometimes I feel like people online make all sins seem like life and death matters. Maybe they are. But for people who already have issues with perfectionism, worrying, etc that is just not need the thing we need to hear.

As much I love intellectual conversations about God, the Earth and what not. Some days I need a break from all the spirituality. I can feel attacked and constantly bombarded by information. I think weekly mass and monthly confessions maybe enough for some people.

I wonder how I would feel about Catholicism as a convert.

Hopefully you can identify with some of what I have said.