Almost Married Question

[mlarson1]

Hi,

I am getting married in a little over 2 months now and have noticed alot of problems in my fiance over the last few months. Things just came out after we got engaged that bother me. She seems to have an angry streak some times and told me she likes to tell the truth and not “sugar-coat” life. So if she’s thinking something she says it, even if it hurts my feelings. And today she told me that she doesn’t need me and is fully capable of living by herself, but she instead wants me there. She is very independent and sometimes I wonder in marriage if we’ll be like 2 roommates and not a married couple. Is this something I should be worried about or will she get better after marriage?

Thanks.

 

[dulcissima]

Listen to your gut. If you are not feeling comfortable, then you need to postpone the wedding. There is a difference between being very direct and being hurtful. If your fiance is not bothered about hurting you, then that is a real problem. This is something that I knew about my fiance, but married him anyhow because I felt like I had already committed to doing that. Things only got worse being married, and we are now divorced. Even when you are engaged, it is not too late to change your mind. It is really important to marry someone who will treat you well and respect your feelings. If you are not sure about this, please do not go ahead with the wedding.

 

[strngrnrth]

Never get married when you feel wrong about it. People don’t improve after they get what they want, they do what they want more and more. She doesn’t like worrying about your feelings and you want her to. That’s a big difference of expectations. She is unlikely to change.

 

[kettle]

Far too many people, in my opinion, go into marriage knowing there are things they question as to whether or not they can live with for the rest of their lives. The problem is, they expect those things to change after the marriage, but they typically don’t change at all.

If your fiancee is mean-spirited and using that under the guise of “being honest,” don’t count on it changing after you’re married; if anything, it will likely remain the same or become worse. Furthermore, it is possible to always remain honest about things without being tactless and hurtful. You need to think very seriously about whether or not you’re going to be ok with living with someone who “doesn’t need [you] and is fully capable of living by herself” for the rest of your life.

The rest of your life is probably going to be a very long time, and that’s a long time to be miserable. You really should consider whether or not you can live your life this way, and make up your mind before you get married. I will say a prayer for you, because this will not be easy for you.

 

[Just_wondering]

Hi,

I am getting married in a little over 2 months now and have noticed alot of problems in my fiance over the last few months. Things just came out after we got engaged that bother me. She seems to have an angry streak some times and told me she likes to tell the truth and not “sugar-coat” life. So if she’s thinking something she says it, even if it hurts my feelings. And today she told me that she doesn’t need me and is fully capable of living by herself, but she instead wants me there. She is very independent and sometimes I wonder in marriage if we’ll be like 2 roommates and not a married couple. Is this something I should be worried about or will she get better after marriage?

Thanks.

Hmm… I agree with the other posters that you should follow your gut instincts. Feeling specific worries before the wedding, with reasons to support those feelings, is never a good sign. Pre-wedding jitters I could understand, but you have specific concerns that don’t sound like they’ll change. However, I don’t know your fiancee, so it depends on how often these behaviours have surfaced.

Does she regularly make you feel unnecessary, or was it just a one-time comment? I’m getting engaged myself, and I’m a fairly independent woman, and I’ve wondered whether I could live without my future husband. The truth is that I could if I had to (like if I lost him to an accident or something) but my life would be so much poorer for it. If your fiancee meant something like that, and expressed it badly, this could be salvageable, but then you two need to learn to communicate. If, however, she makes you feel that she doesn’t need you for anything except her own happiness, that’s not good for you. Your job as her husband is to help her get to heaven. If she feels that she can get there fine on her own, thank you, you may have a problem.

The other issue is the anger. What kind of anger is it? Snapping at you when she’s under a lot of pressure every once in a while? That would be forgivable (for me, at any rate) if she agreed to try to find ways to keep calm. We all have days like that. On the other hand, if she is flying into uncontrollable rages, or trying to engage you in shouting matches for no discernable reason, or worse, slamming things around, that’s a red flag. At best, I’d suggest anger management courses for her, and at worst, I’d suggest getting out of the relationship if she seems abusive.

I guess my concern is this: right now, you two are engaged. You’re supposed to be in love, although you’ve been dating long enough to disagree sometimes. You’re still supposed to be on your best behaviour around each other, you know? Like she’s still dressing up to impress you, and you probably tidy up before you invite her to visit your house. At least, that’s how I feel with my fiance - comfortable around him, but still trying to be the best person I can be because he sees the best in me, and the potential for even better. If she’s acting like this - kind of cold and unfeeling sometimes, a little angry (not all the time, I’m sure, but enough to make you doubt) - even before you have that gold ring on her finger and the vows made before God to keep it that way forever - how will she act after the wedding. If this is her best behaviour, then what’s going to come next?

 

[idrum677]

A common misconception about marriage is that people think that it will change everything.

“Once we’re married, she’ll stop cheating.” Once we’re married he won’t hit me anymore." “We’ll be able to talk to each other after we’re married.”

Marriage is not a magic wand that makes problems go away.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. I don’t know all the details of your situation but definately suggest you use this time for some reflection about this before doing anything rash.

Have you and your fiance gone through pre-cana or met with a priest together? I suggest you talk with her and let her know what she does is hurting you.

Do you pray together? That is a key to any relationship. A marriage is made up of 3 people:- man-woman-God.

Obviously there is a relationship here or you wouldn’t be getting married. Bring things out in the open now- before its too late and if you need to work some things out before getting married- then postpone the wedding.

You have my prayers.

 

[Belle10]

There’s a lot of great advice in this thread already. I would add that you should definitely bring up these issues in your pre-Cana sessions and have your priest help you with them. (Hope you’re in pre-Cana… )

 

[1ke]

I am getting married in a little over 2 months now and have noticed alot of problems in my fiance over the last few months. Things just came out after we got engaged that bother me. She seems to have an angry streak some times and told me she likes to tell the truth and not “sugar-coat” life. So if she’s thinking something she says it, even if it hurts my feelings.

This is a huge character flaw and shows signs of personality disorder or potentially abusive behavior. I would never marry a person who acts in this way.

And today she told me that she doesn’t need me and is fully capable of living by herself, but she instead wants me there. She is very independent and sometimes I wonder in marriage if we’ll be like 2 roommates and not a married couple.

God gave you good instincts. These are signs of serious problems.

Is this something I should be worried about or will she get better after marriage?

Yes, this is something you should definitely be worried about. No, it will not “get better” after marriage. I suspect it will get worse.

I would go with my fiancee for counseling with a priest or qualified Catholic therapist, pronto. Do not get married without fully exploring this, and do not be afraid to call it off if necessary. We are talking about the rest of your life here.

 

[whatevergirl]

St Iganitus created a program that showed people how to know if something is God’s will. One should look at a few things:

1. Does what I’m about to do compromise my relationship with God?
2. Does what I’m about to do compromise my integrity, my own values, my respect?
3. Will I have to change who I am in order to do xyz?

And the other ‘methods’ by which we can determine if we are heading down the right path–and if something is God’s will. God will also put people, situations, etc together in order to help us come to terms with His beautiful will. I think that you will end up having to change who you are, in order to deal with someone like this…if she is not willing to see that she needs to make some changes. I agree with others–postpone the wedding until you and she decide if this is good to move forward. I know people who tell things like it is, but when people tell them the truth without candy coatings, they go nuts. haha So, many people like your fiancee can dish it out, but can’t take it. These are warning signs, and before you get married, I’d pause to reflect on if these are things that you can truly cope with in a marriage. Good luck–my prayers are with you, and her.

 

[Pixie_Dust]

It’s possible that she is very insecure and is “testing” you to see if you will still love her when she says things like that. I’m not saying that to excuse her behavior - not at all!

I would definitely look at postponing the wedding unless/until this is resolved, though.

 

[BlestOne]

WHile I agree with the others about following your gut… I also told my DH that I didn’t need him, rather wanted him in my life. I love my dh with all my heart, but after being a single mom for so long, I refused to ever “need” anyone but would consider marrriage again if I wanted them in my life and prayerfully discerned their presence in my life. Maybe she is just trying to say that she doesn’t need you for financial support or feels the need to be married to be complete… rather she is choosing you on her own… Makes a big difference why she said what she said.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi,

I Is this something I should be worried about or will she get better after marriage?

Thanks.

no matter what the issue is, or what the individual’s personality type, it will not change or get better after marriage. The entire purpose of the formal marriage preparation classes and counselling is to identify issues and problem areas, resolve them before marriage, and most of all to establish a sound basis for communication and problem resolution. If you ignore something that is a significant issue now, it will jump up and bite you sometime after marriage, with devastation you cannot imagine.

bottom line
people don’t change in essentials simply because they get married

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

My ex used that same ‘sugar coat’ saying to excuse anything he said - no matter how hurtful or inappropriate. He also referred to it as ‘shooting straight from the hip’ . For me, that would be a red flag.
Mature adults know that we don’t have carte blanche to insult, hurt, or verbally destroy others under the guise of being honest.

It could be that some true colors are showing, and that’s a good thing as this point, because now you can talk to her and pray about it and decide if this is indeed the person you can spent the rest of your life loving.

 

[mlarson1]

Thanks for all your answers, they do help. As to what she meant about not needing me this is her response through an email:

'Again, this is just another example of how you don’t get me and you don’t attempt to try either. I explained to you that I don’t need you in my life. I am quite capable of doing things on my own. However, I chose to be with you. This should be a greater honor than needing you. It meant that I wasn’t going to use you, but actually chose to spend my time with you. But you just don’t get this."

She also says this stuff all the time, it’s not just a 1-time deal. She is commonly angry at me for something or another. I’ll admit in this relationship I have done things wrong, but this is also my first big relationship. She always thinks I’m not trying when I don’t do something she wants. She asks me for huge requests…like I race and she wants me to quit since she hates it, she wants me to go to church wherever she does otherwise won’t pray with me or talk about religion. Some little things she requests I don’t do right away (hold my fork the right way, etc.) but I eventually do them but she gets mad at me for not doing them instantly. Are these things I should be doing all the time for her? The problem is that I do love her and she took an excellent job in a good location and that sounds fun to me…sometimes she treats me badly but then does something to give me hope. Maybe I should be out of this relationship…I’m not sure.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Thanks for all your answers, they do help. As to what she meant about not needing me this is her response through an email:

'Again, this is just another example of how you don’t get me and you don’t attempt to try either. I explained to you that I don’t need you in my life. I am quite capable of doing things on my own. However, I chose to be with you. This should be a greater honor than needing you. It meant that I wasn’t going to use you, but actually chose to spend my time with you. But you just don’t get this."

She also says this stuff all the time, it’s not just a 1-time deal. She is commonly angry at me for something or another. I’ll admit in this relationship I have done things wrong, but this is also my first big relationship. She always thinks I’m not trying when I don’t do something she wants. She asks me for huge requests…like I race and she wants me to quit since she hates it, she wants me to go to church wherever she does otherwise won’t pray with me or talk about religion. Some little things she requests I don’t do right away (hold my fork the right way, etc.) but I eventually do them but she gets mad at me for not doing them instantly. Are these things I should be doing all the time for her? The problem is that I do love her and she took an excellent job in a good location and that sounds fun to me…sometimes she treats me badly but then does something to give me hope. Maybe I should be out of this relationship…I’m not sure.

A couple of things leap out to me here.

Someone telling you how to hold your fork then getting angry if you don’t do it is a little wierd. That’s reeks of control issues.

Second, your comment about an ‘excellent job in a good location sounding fun’ being a reason to marry someone sounds very iffy.

 

[mlarson1]

She is very controlling which in many cases I don’t mind, but in many cases I do. I’ve always been somewhat passive which hurts me alot. It may be that she sees that and try to run all over me.

And I know those aren’t good reasons to get married. Sometimes it just seems like maybe we’d enjoy being married and in a nice town she would be less stressed and more relaxed.

Also I should note, this has always been a long distance relationship. We met at a concert through a friend and lived 4 hours away. Now we’re 3 hours away…she’s also in Veterinary School and stressed alot. I used to always accredit her anger towards school but now wonder if she just is that way.

 

[1ke]

Thanks for all your answers, they do help. As to what she meant about not needing me this is her response through an email:

'Again, this is just another example of how you don’t get me and you don’t attempt to try either. I explained to you that I don’t need you in my life. I am quite capable of doing things on my own. However, I chose to be with you. This should be a greater honor than needing you. It meant that I wasn’t going to use you, but actually chose to spend my time with you. But you just don’t get this."

What a rude and ugly email.

She also says this stuff all the time, it’s not just a 1-time deal. She is commonly angry at me for something or another

Um… this is not OK. This is very troubling behavior. And, I would not tolerate it in my life.

I’ll admit in this relationship I have done things wrong, but this is also my first big relationship.

Everyone does things wrong, it’s called being human. It in no way gives her permission to treat you badly. Since this is your “first big relationship” you don’t have anything much to compare it to. Let me tell you: there are many people out there who do not treat others like this. You should not hang on to this relationship because it’s your “first” or because you are afraid all relationships are like this. They are not. My husband would never speak to me like that, nor would I ever do so to him.

She always thinks I’m not trying when I don’t do something she wants. She asks me for huge requests…like I race and she wants me to quit since she hates it, she wants me to go to church wherever she does otherwise won’t pray with me or talk about religion.

Yes, this is definitely more evidence of a controling, manipulative person with no regard for others. I would not marry such a person.

Some little things she requests I don’t do right away (hold my fork the right way, etc.) but I eventually do them but she gets mad at me for not doing them instantly. Are these things I should be doing all the time for her?

No. This is craziness. She doesn’t like the way you hold your fork and actually criticizes you and gets mad at you until you do it her way?

You do know this is not normal behavior, right?

The problem is that I do love her

Love is not built upon the things you describe. You are clearly infatuated with her and willing to take her abuse, but that is not love.

and she took an excellent job in a good location and that sounds fun to me…

And again, not something to base a relationship or a marriage on.

sometimes she treats me badly but then does something to give me hope.

As most abusers do.

Maybe I should be out of this relationship…I’m not sure.

In my opinion, you should be out of the relationship YESTERDAY.

 

[BeeSweet]

'Again, this is just another example of how you don’t get me and you don’t attempt to try either. I explained to you that I don’t need you in my life. I am quite capable of doing things on my own. However, I chose to be with you. This should be a greater honor than needing you. It meant that I wasn’t going to use you, but actually chose to spend my time with you. But you just don’t get this."

If she talks to you like this frequently now, it will get worse after you’re married. Telling you “you don’t get me and you don’t attempt to try either” is not only unloving, she closes herself off from you. If she doesn’t care about your feelings, she’s not going to make a good wife, it’s as simple as that.

I’m sorry you have to make this difficult decision. I pray you make the right one.

 

[1ke]

She is very controlling which in many cases I don’t mind, but in many cases I do. I’ve always been somewhat passive which hurts me alot. It may be that she sees that and try to run all over me.

You need some individual counseling to deal with the fact that you allow someone to be mean and hurtful to you.

Sometimes it just seems like maybe we’d enjoy being married and in a nice town she would be less stressed and more relaxed.

Only in fairy tales and Hollywood movies. In real life, abusers continue to be abusers. Marriage doesn’t magically make everything wonderful. If you are not happy now, it will only get WORSE when you marry.

Also I should note, this has always been a long distance relationship. We met at a concert through a friend and lived 4 hours away. Now we’re 3 hours away…she’s also in Veterinary School and stressed alot. I used to always accredit her anger towards school but now wonder if she just is that way.

I would say YES she is that way and you should move on. Stop trying to rationalize her bad behavior.

 

[Belle10]

I agree with 1ke. Offering a prayer for you that you can move on and find someone with whom you can have a loving and true marriage.