Almost Married Question

[hasikelee]

It sounds like your gut feeling is telling you to protect yourself, but for some reason you are doubting yourself and thinking you might be in the wrong.

Perhaps you learned you were always the bad one growing up, or perhaps you think she is always right/better than you so you have to take the abuse. But no matter how you came to feel this is an acceptable relationship, her actions are not acceptable.

Check out www.marriagebuilders.com. He has a book called “Love Busters” that outlines very common hurtful behaviours in marriage. I think there are several chapters that apply to your fiancee and reading them will help you develop a “sense” of what is good and bad in a relationship.

 

[dulcissima]

That she has control issues on top of being hurtful is a very, very bad sign. That she wants to feel superior and above you, like she is doing you a favor and great honor by even wanting you is a huge red flad. Search the internet for narcissistic personality disorder and look at several websites to get an idea about how nearly impossible it would be to live with someone like this. I know, I did it. No matter how hard you try, not matter how much you try to “get” them and being accommodating and thoughtful to their needs, there is just really no way to be in a relationship with this type of person…because it will always be all about them and all about their needs, as if your are now conquered territory, ceasing to exist as your own person any more.

It might be interesting to see how she responds to the suggestion that you go to counseling together over these issues. Her response might tell you just about everything you need to know about her ability to perceive her own shortcomings and her willingness to take your needs into account.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Great advice and perspectives so far…lots for you to think about. I pray that if this is not a good relationship for you that you have the courage and strength to get out now. And if you won’t do it for yourself, remember that she will treat your future children the same way she treats you. Would that be ok with you? And if you think she’s stressed now, wait to see what having kids can do!!!

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for all your answers, they do help. As to what she meant about not needing me this is her response through an email:

'Again, this is just another example of how you don’t get me and you don’t attempt to try either. I explained to you that I don’t need you in my life. I am quite capable of doing things on my own. However, I chose to be with you. This should be a greater honor than needing you. It meant that I wasn’t going to use you, but actually chose to spend my time with you. But you just don’t get this."

She also says this stuff all the time, it’s not just a 1-time deal. She is commonly angry at me for something or another. I’ll admit in this relationship I have done things wrong, but this is also my first big relationship. She always thinks I’m not trying when I don’t do something she wants. She asks me for huge requests…like I race and she wants me to quit since she hates it, she wants me to go to church wherever she does otherwise won’t pray with me or talk about religion. Some little things she requests I don’t do right away (hold my fork the right way, etc.) but I eventually do them but she gets mad at me for not doing them instantly. Are these things I should be doing all the time for her? The problem is that I do love her and she took an excellent job in a good location and that sounds fun to me…sometimes she treats me badly but then does something to give me hope. Maybe I should be out of this relationship…I’m not sure.

I’m sorry this is happening to you–but you know, if you were a woman in this scenario, and you were speaking of a man treating you this way–I would be apt to saying he is verbally and emotionally abusive. (same holds true here) You will spend an eternity walking on eggshells, and you’ll never quite get it right, trust me…I dated someone like this, (but male of course), back in college days. And they don’t really change–if anything, they get worse. This person you are with has serious control and security issues–which is why she feels the need to control every moment of your life. Please consider not marrying this person–at least until she gets counseling. She needs that and your prayers. No matter how much you ‘change’ for her, she will skip over to something else. I have been there, and really, you will be one exhausted person (you might already be?) at the end of the day.

I will keep you in my prayers. Now, that I have read more of your circumstances, I just wanted to add a little more.

 

[JustAnotherThou]

I am quite capable of doing things on my own. However, I chose to be with you. This should be a greater honor than needing you. It meant that I wasn’t going to use you, but actually chose to spend my time with you. But you just don’t get this."

You need to ask her, if she agrees that when a couple marries that they become ONE with GOD. It is a YES or NO question, no yes but… allowed! If she can not whole heartly answer YES, she is not ready for marriage at this time. You also need to ask yourself the same question. If you can not whole heartly answer YES, you are not ready for marriage at this time.

 

[KCT]

Can you ask her nicely, “What will happen if I don’t do XY and Z like you ask? Will you still love me?” Her answer could be telling.

 

[jrabs]

I can tell you that marrying the wrong person is far worse then postponing or canceling the wedding.

Oh my goodness. “I don’t need you in my life?”
wow - what a hurtful person.

Perhaps God is opening your eyes right now in order to talk to you?

 

[Sina]

Hi,

I am getting married in a little over 2 months now and have noticed alot of problems in my fiance over the last few months. Things just came out after we got engaged that bother me. She seems to have an angry streak some times and told me she likes to tell the truth and not “sugar-coat” life. So if she’s thinking something she says it, even if it hurts my feelings. And today she told me that she doesn’t need me and is fully capable of living by herself, but she instead wants me there. She is very independent and sometimes I wonder in marriage if we’ll be like 2 roommates and not a married couple. Is this something I should be worried about or will she get better after marriage?

Thanks.

Hi there
Without having read the rest of the replies, I can totally understand what your fianceé is saying, even though I don’t know you both. I don’t think she meant to hurt you at all - she is just trying to tell you that she is a strong woman and isn’t marrying you because she needs some man to take care of her and pay for her etc… She loves YOU and is not using you to take care of her.

I can see from your perspective how her comment hurt you. Hopefully you had a discussion about it?

To me, it doesn’t sound like something so awful and bothersome that you can’t have a happy healthy marriage. I am sure you went through the marriage prep and were told there and by others that there are many ups and downs in marriage.

Congrats on the engagement and upcoming wedding.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

To me, it doesn’t sound like something so awful and bothersome that you can’t have a happy healthy marriage. I am sure you went through the marriage prep and were told there and by others that there are many ups and downs in marriage.

Congrats on the engagement and upcoming wedding.

**
Go back and find his post about how she gets angry at him for holding his fork wrong…**

 

[Sina]

WHile I agree with the others about following your gut… I also told my DH that I didn’t need him, rather wanted him in my life. I love my dh with all my heart, but after being a single mom for so long, I refused to ever “need” anyone but would consider marrriage again if I wanted them in my life and prayerfully discerned their presence in my life. Maybe she is just trying to say that she doesn’t need you for financial support or feels the need to be married to be complete… rather she is choosing you on her own… Makes a big difference why she said what she said.

Totally agree. I think she was just trying to assert her independence.

Woudln’t you rather have a wife who is with you for YOU and not with you out of necessity?

As for the anger streak… not sure. Has it gotten worse or has she always been like that? I think I can relate to her a bit… I am a very blunt person and sometimes I hurt people without realizing.

The fork thing is over the top though… That is not appropriate. Are there any other examples?

I guess you woudln’t be posting here if it wasn’t a big deal to you.

 

[Sina]

I didn’t think I had time to read all of the thread but I really cared about the responses and the situation the OP is in, so I apologise for the multiple posts in the same spot.

Can I ask, was your fianceé abused in any way? Did she have parents that were emotionally abusive maybe?

Sometimes on CAF, there are people who post about a relationship situation and then everyone comes on the board with their opinions and sometimes the advice is harsh, like you should leave the person ( all well meant ). Then sometimes the OP will get defensive and reject the advice and not return. In your case, you are being more and more open about what is happening and you aren’t discounting anyone’s advice about re-considering or postponing the wedding, and to me that says a lot right there.

I know you must be going through a really tough period of discernment, but it is very true that engagement doesn’t always have to end in marriage. I will pray for you.

 

[duskyjewel]

Great advice and perspectives so far…lots for you to think about. I pray that if this is not a good relationship for you that you have the courage and strength to get out now. And if you won’t do it for yourself, remember that she will treat your future children the same way she treats you. Would that be ok with you? And if you think she’s stressed now, wait to see what having kids can do!!!

Without major, catastrophic life-events, most people **do not **significantly change. If you marry her now, you are accepting her **the way she is **for the rest of your life. She will continue her current behavior. She will treat your children the same. Do you want your 3 year old berated for holding his fork wrong? Even your basic regular kid is a major stressor on a marriage. Malia (Feanaro’s Wife) knows all about having a high-needs child. Anyone can have one of those. Anyone can have a disabled child, or a perfectly normal child who gets cancer, diabetes, asthma, injured in an accident. Normal life is stressful! If she can’t handle stress without being abusive now, how will she handle it later when there is much more on her plate?

Another thing stood out to me… this has always been a long-distance relationship. You don’t really know her, nor she you. You have to spend tons of time actually together to get to know someone. People can lie or fake for only so long, but being together for only small pieces of time makes that so much easier. They only have to keep it up for a few hours or days at a time.

This person is showing you disturbing behaviors. And yet, still, you persist in wanting marriage. This person is not someone you really, truly, deeply know, and yet still, you persist in wanting marriage. You owe it to yourself to get counseling and examine two things: why you will accept abusive behavior and even seek to increase your availability to your abuser, and what scares you away from having a real, up close and personal, accessible relationship where you actually have to let the other person see you all the time and truly know you from the inside out. People who engage in years-long long-distance relationships really don’t want the risk that comes from someone who is really there and can get to them at any time, without notice. planning, or structure. (This is totally different from people who start long-distance, but then get geographically closer and pursue real getting-to-know and courtship before getting engaged.) Aside from what you owe yourself, you owe it to your future children to not purposely choose an abuser as their mother.

 

[duskyjewel]

Totally agree. I think she was just trying to assert her independence.

Woudln’t you rather have a wife who is with you for YOU and not with you out of necessity?

I think marriage works better when people look at themselves as dependent upon one another, and doing whatever works best for the family as a unit. This “I don’t need you” thing strikes me as hostile, but also as a symptom of the disrespectful feminist gauntlet that women have been encouraged to throw at their husbands. It’s not more romantic to be in a marriage where your wife is constantly asserting her independence from you and going on about how she doesn’t need you. Men need to feel needed. Everyone does. I am financially dependent on my husband. We knew going into the marriage that I would be, even though we both have bachelor’s degrees, because we knew that I would be home raising the kids. My husband takes a great deal of pride in his provider/protector role. Our culture, dominated by feminist thinking on relationships, has made it highly inadvisable for men to desire such a role, much less to declare openly that they want it and feel it appropriate. Women, even usually decent women, feel perfectly free to openly denigrate this part of their men’s psyches.

Another thing about this is the e-mail she sent him when her “I don’t need you” comment upset him. She threw alot of “always” and “never” at him… those are one of the hallmarks of unfair fighting, because “always” and “never” are almost never true. Plus, it’s all his fault in that e-mail. It never occurs to her that she might have blithely dismissed something that is extremely important to him, and I get the feeling she wouldn’t care if it did occur to her.

OP, I don’t think either of you is ready for marriage. Take time… please.

 

[Gem]

“Choosing” to have you stick around (for now) is not the same as “committing” to you for life.

I think you know you shouldn’t get married and you posted here for “back up”. Almost everyone here has told you that this is not a healthy relationship. (The fork thing is ridiculous).

I know calling things off 2 months before is not easy, but we are talking about the rest of your life with you worried about what she will say “this time” every day.

I promise you will find someone WAY better than this woman.

Do not marry her.

 

[mlarson1]

Thanks for the responses. She actually very often says hurtful things. For one example, I love my job and don’t will work about 1 hour away from where we would live. She wants me to find a job there and said I don’t get as much personal fun money each month if I continue to work where I do. I just want to work here for now though to make sure she likes her job before I move, and there’s no interesting job postings there. But she doesn’t care if I like my job or not…she says either my work life or personal life is going to suffer. My family is also into racing…she doesn’t like it so she basically told me I had to quit or she wouldn’t marry me…partly due to costs and alot due to her hatred for it.

 

[duskyjewel]

There ya go… easy out. Keep racing.

But seriously, please take the advice you have gotten.

 

[whatevergirl]

Thanks for the responses. She actually very often says hurtful things. For one example, I love my job and don’t will work about 1 hour away from where we would live. She wants me to find a job there and said I don’t get as much personal fun money each month if I continue to work where I do. I just want to work here for now though to make sure she likes her job before I move, and there’s no interesting job postings there. But she doesn’t care if I like my job or not…she says either my work life or personal life is going to suffer. My family is also into racing…she doesn’t like it so she basically told me I had to quit or she wouldn’t marry me…partly due to costs and alot due to her hatred for it.

I agree with duskyjewel…keep racing In all seriousness, I understand that you love her. It’s not an easy spot to be in–but she is very controlling, and hurtful to you.

Love doesn’t make ultimatums. That is a true statement. Love doesn’t control, or be jealous, or make other hurt. Not that one can’t ever get his/her feelings hurt in a marriage or relationship–that does happen–but if you are hurting more often than you are not–you would be better suited to get out of this relationship.

I pray that things get better for you.

 

[Guitar]

Woudln’t you rather have a wife who is with you for YOU and not with you out of necessity?

Honestly, I have to agree with this bit. I don’t need my husband, either. He doesn’t need me. If someone rocked up here asking for advice and they said they ‘needed’ their fiance/fiancee, they’d get a lot of (sound) advice about working on becoming a whole, grown-up person before even considering marriage and how another person can never make us ‘complete’.

I agree though that there a red flags here. Forks, racing etc sounds like the beginnings of how a friend’s marriage went wrong from the word go. She ‘insisted’ he give up his part-time Christian band with his friends at uni (for no good reason) before they were even engaged, plus a few other things that should have been warning signs, and by the time they had two children it was full-on 24-hr-a-day control. (The children, BTW, had to be conceived so that their birthdates fell at a particular time, as part of a scheme to push the children into activities she was not allowed to participate in when she was young). Had to keep his guitar in the garage, was not permitted to do any practice for church band (whether she could hear it or not), had to be in the house or the room when she said so, wasn’t permitted to do anything other than go to work and come straight home and do her bidding. Treats the children the same way and is getting worse as she gets older. Like, pulls stunts like throwing her teenage son out of the house at night with his foot in a cast and locking him out for a couple of hours. She wasn’t always this “obvious” but the signs were there.

Prayers coming your way.

 

[whatevergirl]

Honestly, I have to agree with this bit. I don’t need my husband, either. He doesn’t need me. If someone rocked up here asking for advice and they said they ‘needed’ their fiance/fiancee, they’d get a lot of (sound) advice about working on becoming a whole, grown-up person before even considering marriage and how another person can never make us ‘complete’.

I agree though that there a red flags here. Forks, racing etc sounds like the beginnings of how a friend’s marriage went wrong from the word go. She ‘insisted’ he give up his part-time Christian band with his friends at uni (for no good reason) before they were even engaged, plus a few other things that should have been warning signs, and by the time they had two children it was full-on 24-hr-a-day control. (The children, BTW, had to be conceived so that their birthdates fell at a particular time, as part of a scheme to push the children into activities she was not allowed to participate in when she was young). Had to keep his guitar in the garage, was not permitted to do any practice for church band (whether she could hear it or not), had to be in the house or the room when she said so, wasn’t permitted to do anything other than go to work and come straight home and do her bidding. Treats the children the same way and is getting worse as she gets older.

Prayers coming your way.

I agree with all your points. Yes, one should want to be married to someone–not out of need. I think that the statement, if it was isolated and stood alone–it would be fine. But, the OP’s financee sounds like in part, she says things to hurt him–to keep him off centered. Somewhere along the lines, I would bet that she was abused by someone…and has never resolved it.

 

[1ke]

Thanks for the responses. She actually very often says hurtful things. For one example, I love my job and don’t will work about 1 hour away from where we would live. She wants me to find a job there and said I don’t get as much personal fun money each month if I continue to work where I do. I just want to work here for now though to make sure she likes her job before I move, and there’s no interesting job postings there. But she doesn’t care if I like my job or not…she says either my work life or personal life is going to suffer. My family is also into racing…she doesn’t like it so she basically told me I had to quit or she wouldn’t marry me…partly due to costs and alot due to her hatred for it.

Well, there you have it. She doesn’t care what is important to you, only what is important to her.

She has no interest in communication or compromise. Seems like she has said “my way or the highway” on everything. I’d choose the highway.

If you marry this woman, you will be REALLY sorry every day of your life.