Almost Married Question

[dulcissima]

Well, there you have it. She doesn’t care what is important to you, only what is important to her.

If you marry this woman, you will be REALLY sorry every day of your life.

Especially when you see the way that she treats your children. I married someone just like that and he is incapable of caring about what is important to the children. Now that we are divorced and his life ambition seems to be to get even with me because he has to pay child support, he is dragging the kids into it, not caring one little bit that he is hurting them. People like this are not capable of being kind and nurturing spouses or parents. Please, do not make this mistake. Wouldn’t it be nice to be married to someone who is as caring, loving, and forgiving as you are?

 

[rpp]

My friend, I have not heard you say anything good about her. And what you have said honestly frightens me. It leads me to the conclusion that she wants you for some purpose and does really respect you as a person. She seems to be treating you as an object

“You should be honored that I want to be with you.” These are words of love. Or even respect. These are words meant to manipulate.

This entire thread has nothing but warning signs all over the place. What do these signs say? They say run away.

The heart can be devious at times. It is easily confused and it is easy for it to mislead us. That you love her is good. But based on what you have written, I do not think she loves you. But even if she does, she does not seem to respect you.

Normally, I would not give such serious advice on such a serious topic. But I think you need to listen to yourself. The anger and many forms of manipulation she is engaging are not right. These are signs of someone who herself is not ready to marry.

Terminate the engagement. Postpone the wedding indefinitely until she learns to treat you with dignity. Tell her that she needs to respect you. Stand your ground. If she refuses, or simply fails, to correct her behavior in a very short period of time, or if she reverts to it again, then stop seeing her entirely. Keep in mind that this may cause her to leave you, but that is her choice, not yours. You are demanding nothing less that to be treated as an equal and with dignity. You cannot marry someone who starts off by feeling contempt for you.

 

[Guitar]

Somewhere along the lines, I would bet that she was abused by someone…and has never resolved it.

Or perhaps grew up surrounded and smothered by domineering people. True, genuine independence is one thing, and “no one’s going to control me” is another that sometimes spills over into becoming the domineering, controlling person yourself.

 

[duskyjewel]

Regardless of whether she was abused, her behavior has no excuse. People who have been abused or had bad childhoods are still capable of making choices. One of those choices can be, “I will not visit the misery upon others that was visited upon me!”

It’s time we stopped seeing people as robots inalterably programmed by their upbringing. People can choose how to act. Most of the children who survived Nazi death camps went on to be decent people who contributed to society, built families, and raised children. I would bet most of the kids who survived the Hitler Youth did the same. I am sure they weren’t perfect, but eventually, they had to choose to live and not let their past hold them hostage.

If they could do that, then any of us can also do it. We can choose to be decent, functional people. Even if it’s difficult or makes us fearful…

 

[jrabs]

Or perhaps grew up surrounded and smothered by domineering people. True, genuine independence is one thing, and “no one’s going to control me” is another that sometimes spills over into becoming the domineering, controlling person yourself.

Good point.

To the original poster…picture this down the road. The two of you are at your office Christmas party. Your wife starts to chime in and belittle you in front of all your work associates -demanding and degrading you because you’d like to stay an hour longer. Or you picked up your dinner fork wrong.

Imagine the humiliation you are going to feel?

This will be your daily life. Year in and out till you die - or stress kills you - seriously.
Now she will do this in front of your children as well. Your children will lose respect for you - but she will also snatch dignity and self respect from the kids as well.

 

[Gladys]

Hello,

I think you should talk with your fiance, even though she is being honest she also has to be considerate about people’s feelings. If you are not sure that you have found the one then you have to take another look into your relationship, and make sure that you are making the right decision. About the coment of being on her own, well maybe she has been very independent most of her life and this will change things for her a bit. You guys also need to talk about that. Well let me put it this way talk about everything that is on your mind and also listen to her concerns and if you can’t come to terms then both of you have to make a decision from there. I hope everything works out.

God Bless,

Gladys
crossrc:

 

[mlarson1]

I think you are all right. She actually does treat her dad poorly too and doesn’t respect him. He isn’t a very smart guy but does a great job of providing for his family. This may be part of it. And I guess I haven’t said too much positive about her in this post…there are positives just alot of negatives.

 

[dulcissima]

I think you are all right. She actually does treat her dad poorly too and doesn’t respect him. He isn’t a very smart guy but does a great job of providing for his family. This may be part of it. And I guess I haven’t said too much positive about her in this post…there are positives just alot of negatives.

How does her mother treat her father?

How does your mother treat your father?

 

[duskyjewel]

Go read the story of Adam and Eve in Genesis. God creates Eve to be a “helpmate.” This is what spouses are supposed to be to one another. Does your fiancee sound like she will be a “helpmate” to you?

As to your comments about her father… sounds to me like she has man-hating issues. If she feels her father shortchanged her in some way, she may end up abusing and dominating you as a way to gain control and repair her childhood. Do you want that role? Her emotional punching bag on which she takes out her anger about her father? Do you want your sons to have that role? This also reinforces my first reaction to the “I don’t need you” comments. She’s being hostile toward you as a man when she says it.

Cancel the wedding. Please. Painful, but I am certain you will regret it if you do not.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Good point.

To the original poster…picture this down the road. The two of you are at your office Christmas party. Your wife starts to chime in and belittle you in front of all your work associates -demanding and degrading you because you’d like to stay an hour longer. Or you picked up your dinner fork wrong.

Imagine the humiliation you are going to feel?

Or worse, she only disrespects you in private, leading to family friends and coworkers thinking she is a great wife and don’t understand if/when you are unhappy. You will start to doubt yourself as time goes on and wonder if the problem is really you and not her. Your children will go through the same thing in this scenario. You can only have someone point out how wrong you are so much before you either get out (not an option for kids) or start to believe it.

 

[rpp]

Or worse, she only disrespects you in private, leading to family friends and coworkers thinking she is a great wife and don’t understand if/when you are unhappy. You will start to doubt yourself as time goes on and wonder if the problem is really you and not her. Your children will go through the same thing in this scenario. You can only have someone point out how wrong you are so much before you either get out (not an option for kids) or start to believe it.

I know someone who was in a marriage like this. Everyone thought the ex- was the greatest person in the world. But it was just a game he played. He knew what people wanted to hear and fed it to them. But behind closed doors, he was just a selfish, abusive jerk.

Such duplicity is a dangerous characteristic. If a person behaves in this manner, that is a very serious, and usually uncorrectable, character flaw. It may even be the sign of PD or BPD (Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder), which are not currently treatable, even with medication.

 

[mlarson1]

Actually her mom treats her dad poorly as well. So she has learned that from her mom. Her parents rushed into marriage (they both didn’t get alot of dates) and it turned bad for them…but I respect them since they hang out with each other and go to church together, so they try to stay together.

I think I have started to feel like everything that happens is my fault…she makes me feel that way anyway. And she is a 2-sided person- she is great around other people (which she was like when I met and fell in love with her) and she’s got the other side around me where she’s mad so often.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I think I have started to feel like everything that happens is my fault…she makes me feel that way anyway.

I think you know how dangerous this is. I think God is opening your heart before it is too late. Please, take some time in quiet prayer and just listen. It would be a tragedy if this progresses to the point where she makes you feel wrong for putting God first…

And she is a 2-sided person- she is great around other people (which she was like when I met and fell in love with her) and she’s got the other side around me where she’s mad so often.

**I don’t want to say that she’ll never change…but I don’t want you to take that chance right now. She needs to work on herself before she is able to be a good wife. And you need to work on yourself to make sure you are the best husband material you can be. And you need to figure out why it is even acceptable to you to be treated this way… you may be married one day, but I pray that you both heal yourselves first!

Go and talk to your priest and a good Catholic counsellor about how to handle this entire situation in the best way possible.
**

 

[whatevergirl]

Or perhaps grew up surrounded and smothered by domineering people. True, genuine independence is one thing, and “no one’s going to control me” is another that sometimes spills over into becoming the domineering, controlling person yourself.

Yes, so true. I grew up in a controlling household, but when I married, I simply wanted to control myself–I didn’t want to control my husband, as I remember how badly it felt growing up, so perhaps it affects people differently. I didn’t want to be controlled…and at times, looked at marriage as controlling. Thankfully, through faith, I grew away from those thoughts.

mlarson–you’re in my prayers.

 

[rpp]

Actually her mom treats her dad poorly as well. So she has learned that from her mom. Her parents rushed into marriage (they both didn’t get alot of dates) and it turned bad for them…but I respect them since they hang out with each other and go to church together, so they try to stay together.

I think I have started to feel like everything that happens is my fault…she makes me feel that way anyway. And she is a 2-sided person- she is great around other people (which she was like when I met and fell in love with her) and she’s got the other side around me where she’s mad so often.

I say this in all charity and hope. Are you listening to what you yourself are saying?

Your answers are all right there.

May God grant you strength, wisdom and peace.

 

[Magickman]

Entering a marriage, while harboring serious doubt, is unlikely to be a sound decision.

Discerning this commitment ought be based on strong certainty, without qualification.

It would be a wiser course to eliminate doubts , before taking vows.

 

[Ramalama]

I’m 18 years into my second marriage. I put 18 years into my first also. With that experience I can say, things that bother you before marriage get far worse after marriage. If it bothered me that my wife held her fork wrong before I married her, it would drive me nuts after a few months of marriage.

You’ve received great advice from the people here. Mine isn’t so great. If I were you, I would run away. Fast.

God bless you.