Always picking up the tab for MIL

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m_crane

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My Mother in law is divorced and doesn’t drive so DH and I feel obligated to ask her to join us went we go out to lunch, movie etc. The problem is that not only do we pick her up and drop her off but we awlays end up paying her way too. This is beginning to be a problem because frankly we can’t afford it. She doesn’t live very close so I kinda feel she should realize that driving out of our way to her house is already a bit of a sacrifice on our part. I feel she should at least offer to leave the tip at the luncheon and certainly pay for her own movie ticket. Does anyone have any (name removed by moderator)ut about a kind way of asking her to do this now and again? She is very financially stable, and we at this point are struggling.
 
I’d say tactfully approacing the issue would be the wisest thing.

“MIL, we love spending time with you but our budget is very tight. We love to take you along with us, but we can’t treat you anymore. If you can’t afford it we can do something (have dinner, watch a movie) in your home, but for now we have to stop paying when we go out.”
 
m_crane said:
My Mother in law is divorced and doesn’t drive so DH and I feel obligated to ask her to join us went we go out to lunch, movie etc. The problem is that not only do we pick her up and drop her off but we awlays end up paying her way too. This is beginning to be a problem because frankly we can’t afford it. She doesn’t live very close so I kinda feel she should realize that driving out of our way to her house is already a bit of a sacrifice on our part. I feel she should at least offer to leave the tip at the luncheon and certainly pay for her own movie ticket. Does anyone have any (name removed by moderator)ut about a kind way of asking her to do this now and again? She is very financially stable, and we at this point are struggling.
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Don’t feel obligated to take her everytime you go to lunch or a movie…🤷 It is nice to do things like this occasionally for her. She might think that since you are inviting her, it’s your treat. I suggest you invite her less frequently for outings, but maybe visit her at her home more frequently. Bring cake or donuts and have coffee or tea with her. So you spend time, but it’s more economical.
 
m_crane said:
My Mother in law is divorced and doesn’t drive so DH and I feel obligated to ask her to join us went we go out to lunch, movie etc. The problem is that not only do we pick her up and drop her off but we awlays end up paying her way too. This is beginning to be a problem because frankly we can’t afford it. She doesn’t live very close so I kinda feel she should realize that driving out of our way to her house is already a bit of a sacrifice on our part. I feel she should at least offer to leave the tip at the luncheon and certainly pay for her own movie ticket. Does anyone have any (name removed by moderator)ut about a kind way of asking her to do this now and again? She is very financially stable, and we at this point are struggling.
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Why do you feel obligated to invite her every time you go out? Taking her out once every few months should be enough. She’s your MIL not your spouse!
 
First I would say let your husband tell her 🙂 it’s his mother.

Secondly if she is alone, old and divorced and can’t drive, more than once every few months would be better. Maybe it’s once a month or dinner every other weekend but I don’t think anyone would expect to be asked everytime you went somewhere.

Joe
 
jwashu said:
First I would say let your husband tell her 🙂 it’s his mother.

Secondly if she is alone, old and divorced and can’t drive, more than once every few months would be better. Maybe it’s once a month or dinner every other weekend but I don’t think anyone would expect to be asked everytime you went somewhere.

Joe
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Joe, wise words. My mom is in the same situation as OP’s MIL. A person who can’t drive is really at the mercy of family and friends to take them out, add in her being older and divorced and she is probably very lonely. Being homebound can be very hard.

I wouldn’t counsel that the OP stop visiting or checking in on MIL, but certainly dinners out and movies can be curtailed. There are many other ways to be entertained. Home movies with popcorn and snacks are one. If she really just wants to get out of the house and see people (a common desire of the homebound), maybe try lunch, even people watching at the mall or park.

The OPs husband can certainly raise the issue with his mom of who pays–either going dutch or having her pick up the tab every couple of events. We often paid for my mom because she was just one person (rather than expecting her to pay for all of us). Now that I’m not working and so I see her more during the day, she usually picks up the tab if we go out to lunch.

There are many inexpensive ways to spend time with an older relative. Treasure the time you have with her and build up memories of grandma for your children while she’s still well enough to enjoy a night of dinner and the movies!
 
Thank you all- I appreciate all your good (name removed by moderator)ut.
I don’t take her everytime we go out but I do try to see her as often as we can. When we visit her, she wants to go out and it’s better for us all because she’s a bit of a gossip and long conversations tend to run that way. I’m just not very comfortable hearing about other peoples business particularly my other inlaws. I’m also aware that anything I say will be carried back to Inlaws and I beginning to understand that this has caused a lot of trouble.

Example, I was at my SILs for a birthday were she set up the buffet on the kitchen table. I got myself a plate with unfortunately not enough food on it , by the time I got around to going back for more her guests had gathered around the table, the main person blocking my way was a severely handicaped person with cerebral palsy. So I just decided I missed the boat on the buffet and let It go. It was no big deal. Well, on the way home, a 3 hour drive, I became hungry and asked DH to stop at MacDonalds so I could grab a coke and a burger. My MIL said" how can you be hungry with all that food." I told her the story that I missed second call at the buffet and she carried an unflattering version to my SIL. The next occasion with SIL a plate of food was shoved at me by SILs daughter. And then it happened again at my other SILs Holiday party. Obviously SIL is very angry with me and I never meant to disparage her hostess skills. She served a lovely buffet.

The point is, I never know what story MIL will carry back to SILs that will cause trouble so I like to keep us busy with shopping or some distraction to keep her from finding a juicey story about me. We tend to work up an appetite shopping and a picnic lunch at the mall probably wouldn’t work. Museums have entrance fees and movies cost. So I think short visits and maybe a quick run to Walmart might be the ticket. Any other ideas would be welcome.
 
How often do you see her? How far away is she?

You’re clearly kindhearted and wanting to do the right thing. She must not have much going on and stirs up a little excitement by gossiping. You’re right to try to limit the occasions for that, but you certainly don’t have to spring for food and a movie every time!

How about simply visiting her regularly - perhaps bringing something you’ve baked - and only occasionally going out?

Might be time to clear the air with your SIL, too. Has your husband ever spoken up to his mother about her gossiping? That’s HIS responsibility.
 
dixieagle said:
How often do you see her? How far away is she?

You’re clearly kindhearted and wanting to do the right thing. She must not have much going on and stirs up a little excitement by gossiping. You’re right to try to limit the occasions for that, but you certainly don’t have to spring for food and a movie every time!

How about simply visiting her regularly - perhaps bringing something you’ve baked - and only occasionally going out?

Might be time to clear the air with your SIL, too. Has your husband ever spoken up to his mother about her gossiping? That’s HIS responsibility.
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My husband just doesn’t see it. He the kind of person just doesn’t see that his mom is doing anything wrong or he doesn’t want to. I know on the next occassion at SILs he will beg me to go but I can’t bring myself to take anymore abuse from SILs. SIL #1 slammed a car door in my face and when my husband was busy saying his goodbyes to his nephew. I was stunned. SIL #2 got very angry with me when I said that I could not vote for a certain canidate because of their pro-choice stance. This caused her to inform me very angerly, that the abortion issue has already been settled. She then turned and stormed out of the room. And yes, DH does know about these incidents and many more. I think DH is afraid that if he stands up for me, he will lose the relationship he has with them. In my opinion his relationships with both his mom and sisters seems to consist of telling them what they want to hear and agreeing with everything they say and do. It’s very congenial for them but there’s something upsetting about the way it works against me.

I have also noticed I am not the only person who gets treated this way. I had the pleasure of hearing them talk about a granddaughter-inlaw the same way. I’ve heard reports about her expensive hobbies, her wishes to get married in the church(and all the problems with that) and heaven forbid anyone should want to have more than one child. That is certainly not supported. The grandson-inlaw is considered cheap and he is disgussed behing his back. I just hate this. I can’t defend them because I don’t really know them but they seem to me very loving spouses and parents to and their spending habits or private wishes are not my business.

I really love my husband and I don’t want to make things hard for him. I know he just doesn’t get how difficult this is for me. I am trying to live my faith and love the unlovable but I just can’t seem to do with the grace to not be terribly upset when I’m slighted. And also I don’t want to be their prey and fodder for their gossip. Pray for me. And thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.
 
Can you send your husband alone for some of these family visits?

I get along with my MIL and my siblings-in-law but much of the time I let DH visit by himself. (This is the case with many of my husband’s siblings too. In fact I probably visit more often then the other inlaws do.)
 
m_crane said:
My Mother in law is divorced and doesn’t drive so DH and I feel obligated to ask her to join us went we go out to lunch, movie etc. The problem is that not only do we pick her up and drop her off but we awlays end up paying her way too. This is beginning to be a problem because frankly we can’t afford it. She doesn’t live very close so I kinda feel she should realize that driving out of our way to her house is already a bit of a sacrifice on our part. I feel she should at least offer to leave the tip at the luncheon and certainly pay for her own movie ticket. Does anyone have any (name removed by moderator)ut about a kind way of asking her to do this now and again? She is very financially stable, and we at this point are struggling.
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I like what purplesunshine said, I agree…Just politely let her know at the moment you are not able financially of keeping up with this kind of you know living style of always picking up the tab for her, maybe not in that kind of tone but just to let her know that you are financially unable to continue going out so much…Hopefully she will understand and not be such a burden on you financially…
 
My initial post was going to be that you and DH should set aside a little budget for taking his mom out x amount of times a month even if that meant sacrificing something else. Then, I read the rest of your posts about getting blatantly mistreated by your husband’s family. My initial reaction was that your MIL didn’t realize she was imposing when you paid for her…but I see a little more of the story and she sounds like a very manipulative MIL - I have one myself, so I can spot them a mile away :mad:

As far as not wanting to put your husband in a tight spot… that is his duty as a husband. It is not his duty to avoid uncomfortable conversations with his family - it is his duty to protect his wife at all earthly costs. A husband should be willing to give his life for his wife, as Christ did for the Church, surely a little chat with his mom about treating his wife better is small in comparison. A man leaves his family and becomes one with his spouse…he needs to leave and cleave or else he is not truly a man. Next time she tries to impose herself when you go to a movie or a meal…have your husband mention that it is meant to be a romantic date for the two of you.
 
Dacinom said:
I could not agree with this post more, I am sorry to say.

I feel bad because from reading your posts, your primary problem is not with your in-laws, your problem is in your marriage.

Your husband is unwilling to put you first, this is sad, I will pray for him and pray for your marriage. You are not asking something unreasonable, you are getting doors slammed in your face, this is awful.

I could write pages and pages of advice on how to deal with your in-laws, but it won’t make a bit of difference unless your husband makes a change. This is scary for him, all of his life he has been beaten down by this family and it is hard to change. Give this man love, love and more love and gently encourage him to be the stand-up-man that Christ wants him to be.

Bless you, hope this helps a little.
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Terrific post - you hit the nail on the head.

I’ll be praying for you as well, m crane.
 
m_crane said:
My Mother in law is divorced and doesn’t drive so DH and I feel obligated to ask her to join us went we go out to lunch, movie etc.

She doesn’t live very close so I kinda feel she should realize that driving out of our way to her house is already a bit of a sacrifice on our part…
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Ok, the thing is, since you are asking her out all the time, she probably doesn’t think it’s a problem for you to drive and pick her up since you ask her if she wants to go.

That being said, I agree with the other posters. You shouldn’t feel obligated. Sorry, I would write more but EVERY time I start to type something the baby cries. ugh! gotta put him to bed. Good luck!!
 
I will say that the gossipping my mil is probably a long-ingrained habit, but I know that the homebound often start gossiping because they don’t have a lot of news of their own to share.

Going out to the movies can be expensive, but a movie in shouldn’t be too bad. Another idea is to share novels with her that you liked and then you’ll have the book to discuss. For awhile I watched the same ‘reality’ show that my mom liked so we’d have that to chat about. (But I really couldn’t stand the show, so know I just let her tell me about it each week.)

It sounds like politics and religion are taboo subjects, but is there a hobby or other interest you could share with her as a topic for conversations? Cooking, knitting, fishing, whatever.

The SILs sound like pills, but you can probably get along well enough to get through a major family gathering. It doesn’t sound like you’ll ever be close friends though. Since they have husbands and families and presumable can drive and get out and about, I wouldn’t be too worried about spending more time with them than the bare minimum necessary.

I’ll be praying for you.
 
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