Am I a bad bridesmaid?

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LynnieLew

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One of my best friends is getting married, and I am thrilled for her.

Problem:

When she asked me to be a bridesmaid I hesitated because of financial reasons. She assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue because she was going to keep costs down.

Well, she picked a $200 dress for us to wear, plus shoes, etc.

Then we were “told” that the bridesmaids were throwing the bridal shower. I am assuming there are costs for that.

Now, I got the invitation for the Bachelorette party. They are renting a limousine to go on a day long wine tour of the Finger Lakes (which is nice compared to what some people choose to do), which will cost $50, without the cost of wine, etc so it will be about $80.

The problem is that when I told her I didn’t think I can go, she was disappointed and laid on the guilt. She is such a dear friend and I don’t want to let her down but I am married with two young children and sincerely don’t have the money to go. When I got married I understood if people didn’t attend events, and some didn’t.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I feel guilty? I don’t want her telling stories about her cruddy bridesmaid to people 10 years from now.

Thoughts? Advice?
 
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LynnieLew:
She is such a dear friend and I don’t want to let her down but I am married with two young children and sincerely don’t have the money to go. When I got married I understood if people didn’t attend events, and some didn’t.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I feel guilty? I don’t want her telling stories about her cruddy bridesmaid to people 10 years from now.

Thoughts? Advice?
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I am a guy, but I’ll give you my objective advice. You and your family come first when it comes to financial obligations! You said you sincerely don’t have the money to go–then—you don’t have the money to go. This does not make you a “bad” or “cruddy” person, you asked her about money at the begining and she said she was going to keep the cost down–apparently you two have a differing concept about what is low cost. 😉

At any rate, you are not in the wrong if you don’t go. Try to if financially possible, but don’t do it if it’s financially irresponsible. I’d just tell your friend that you’re so sorry but right now I’m just not financially able to make it, and leave it at that.

Good Luck, and I wouldn’t worry about her telling stories, if that’s the most important thing she’s thinking about (your attendance to all of her events) then she has her priorities out of wack.
 
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LynnieLew:
One of my best friends is getting married, and I am thrilled for her.

Problem:

When she asked me to be a bridesmaid I hesitated because of financial reasons. She assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue because she was going to keep costs down.

Well, she picked a $200 dress for us to wear, plus shoes, etc.

Then we were “told” that the bridesmaids were throwing the bridal shower. I am assuming there are costs for that.

Now, I got the invitation for the Bachelorette party. They are renting a limousine to go on a day long wine tour of the Finger Lakes (which is nice compared to what some people choose to do), which will cost $50, without the cost of wine, etc so it will be about $80.

The problem is that when I told her I didn’t think I can go, she was disappointed and laid on the guilt. She is such a dear friend and I don’t want to let her down but I am married with two young children and sincerely don’t have the money to go. When I got married I understood if people didn’t attend events, and some didn’t.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I feel guilty? I don’t want her telling stories about her cruddy bridesmaid to people 10 years from now.

Thoughts? Advice?
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No, I don’t think you were wrong. I know it’s her special day, but she needs to consider the cost is not always reasonable for everybody. I agree with the above poster; your first obligation is to your family, & I think you are being brave and doing the right thing.
 
She is suffering from wedding induced tunnel vision. She wants everything “perfect” and because it is “her” special time, she thinks everyone should fall into line to make it “perfect”.

In 10 yrs she will have her own kids, her own life to deal with, and when someone invites her to an event, she will have to say no for the same honest, practical reasons you have now. And maybe she will thonk herself on the head and get it! LOL

I had to turn down some invitations this spring for similar reasons. Do what you can, and don’t sweat the rest. I am sorry you are in this uncomfortable situation, as bridesmaid it is harder to deal with.

cheddar
 
tell her you would love to come to the bachlorette party but can’t get a sitter and will be bringing the kids, but they will be no problem. She will drop you like a hot potato and you will be off the hook.

If you are able to participate, just thank your stars there is no male stripper on the program (unless you know the other bridesmaids very well, you might just want to check out that detail first.)
 
Sounds like you’re facing a $400 to $500 tab.

That’s a chunk of change. Just explain to her that you don’t have that much cash to spend and you’re sorry, but she’ll just have to get someone else.

I’m no wedding expert, but I thought the bride and groom picked up the tab. If she wants you, then she could foot the bill.

Bridesmaid dresses seem kind of silly to me…a little like a prom dress, except you have no hope of wearing it ever again.
 
Geez, $200! When I get married I’m going to have my bridesmaids get their dresses from Hecht’s or something. Like just a pink skirt with a white blouse. Bam. There you go. That’s outrageous. And that’s a dress that you may never wear again. Tell her to save her money on an expensive wedding and use it on the honeymoon! You are in the right. Your family comes first, not fancy schmancy dresses!
 
Of course you’re not a bad bridesmaid! She sounds like a complete Bridezilla. (Don’t you love that term? I do. It’s genius.)

You’ve explained that you don’t have the money to go, if she doesn’t get that, that’s her problem. Honestly. Maybe she’ll understand when she has a family of her own to provide for.

You’re doing enough in just being her bridesmaid, IMO, because that’s a really big commitment- and a possibly embarassing one, depending on the dress! 😉
 
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cargopilot:
I’m no wedding expert, but I thought the bride and groom picked up the tab. If she wants you, then she could foot the bill.
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I agree. My husband and I paid for all of our wedding party’s expenses, including plane tickets and hotel bills to the actual wedding.

My husband’s cousin had a wedding a couple years ago that we were obligated to attend, though out of town. About four weeks before the wedding, his aunt calls and tells him that even though he isn’t part of the wedding party, he needed to ‘purchase’ the tuxedo that the wedding party would be attired in! Because his aunt, uncle, the bride and his cousin, the groom, had decided they wanted all male family members attired the same way to “stand apart.”

At first my husband said no. We weren’t even married yet and were only a few weeks away from OUR wedding. We were saving and had plenty of our own expenses to worry about. Plus, we were RENTING the tuxedos for OUR wedding–not purchasing them! His cousin has “expensive taste” and his mother simply refused to allow him to “rent” his “groom attire.”

My husband’s refusal caused a major tidal wave in the family. MAJOR. His own parents flipped out and guilted both of us, saying how rude and disrespectful we were to the bride and groom.

Then, his aunt called me and inquired about my dress. No, not MY wedding dress, but the dress I would be wearing to her son’s wedding. It was a very nice, $300 beautiful black dress that I had also worn to my engagement party. His aunt absolutely flipped out and said that my plan to “re-wear” a dress to another family event was “not acceptable.” When I explained that given there would be 300 people there and only 25 of them had been at my engagement party, and that I highly doubted anyone would notice or care, she said I needed to “carefully consider” my position on the subject because I was “not yet a member of the family.” Anyway, I got off the phone in tears…

The wedding was a four hour drive away and the hotel they picked for the family was $200/a night. Given that the family “had” to be there for the rehearsal dinner, we were all expected to stay both nights.

The best part was when my husband’s mother purchased the tuxedo FOR my husband, without his permission, and slapped him with the $850 bill and $150 shoe bill. Unbelievable.

None of my husband’s family, with the exception of his sisters and parents, were even going to be attending our wedding. (Which was in my hometown.) I was just sooooooooo angry that they expected us to spend literally over a thousand dollars simply for us to ATTEND THE WEDDING, when we hadn’t so much as even made a fuss that none of his extended family would be “bothering” to come to OUR wedding for around the same price.

I say, do what is best for your family and throw out the guilt. Weddings tend to bring out the monster in all of us, seriously. I have several friends getting married between now and the end of summer, each with at least one or two bridal showers and every one with a bachelorette party. There are six weddings, ten showers, six bachelorette parties. That is over 20 presents! My husband and I are moving this week and spending thousands of dollars to do so. I will have to be careful about how I budget my money for all the bridal shower, bachelorette and wedding gifts that will be needed and expected. I can’t go for broke simply because they expect everyone to “fall in line” to make their wedding experience perfect, as one poster so aptly put it.
 
this entire thread should be shipped over to Miss Manners’ website. Weddings are not supposed to be conducted on the home shopping network or dedicated to the gods of consumerism. the mother in the above post, well, being a Christian woman, I can’t say it.

If couples spent as much time, effort and energy planning their marriages as they devote to planning their weddings, matrimony would be in a much better state.

advice to engaged couples and to relatives and friends of prospective brides and grooms - get off the merry-go-round and reenter the dimension of reality. Limos, tuxes, cruise ships and all TV-generated fantasies are not marriage or its prerequisites. Make attention to your spritual life a priority, orient your marriage to service of God. Everything else will fall into place.

When these unreasonable expectations are placed on relatives and friends the proper response is a written (not verbal) formal regrets letter, written in black ink on fine white or ivory paper with matching envelope.

Mr & Mrs David Jones
or Miss Daisy Jones
or Mr. David Jones
regret(s) he/she/they will not be able to attend the wedding of Catherine Consumer and Billy Bubblehead on June 1, 2006. Period, never complain, never explain (Hank Ford II).

In another envelope, place a lovely Hallmark card with warm good wishes and mail it. If you are truly greathearted you may enclose a small check for the happy couple to spend any way they wish. then wash your hands of the whole thing.

what you cannot do is turn around and invite the same people to your own wedding, but who needs them. send an announcement after the happy event.
 
Well put puzzleannie.

Now, tell us the truth, are you Miss. Manners? I’ll remember to address all my manners and etiquette questions to you.
 
Was she a bridesmaid in your wedding? If so, how much did she have to spend? If not, send a card and check.
 
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geojack:
Was she a bridesmaid in your wedding? If so, how much did she have to spend? If not, send a card and check.
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Good point!
Yes, she was in my wedding. My bridesmaid’s outfits came to $89 and it was a skirt and blouse that can be worn again to semi formal functions (which they have).

I didn’t require the bridesmaids to come to my shower (my sister and sister in law did and my maid of honor chose to). I tried to focus more on the marriage and not as much on wedding day hysteria.

My friend isn’t a Bridezilla (although I love that term). I will agree that she wants everything perfect and since we are in our 30’s she has a lot more discretionary spending than I do.
 
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puzzleannie:
Advice to engaged couples and to relatives and friends of prospective brides and grooms - get off the merry-go-round and reenter the dimension of reality. Limos, tuxes, cruise ships and all TV-generated fantasies are not marriage or its prerequisites. Make attention to your spritual life a priority, orient your marriage to service of God. Everything else will fall into place.
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I completely agree with you! My sister planned my wedding. I was getting married in Rochester but I was living in Cincinnati. I just said, go for it. My husband and I got to concentrate on the spiritual preparation.
 
As the husband I remember that the bridesmaids and groomsmen paid for their own attire. You need to get an etiquette book and see what your responsibilities are. Etiquette gives a standard and allows people to know what is expected and what is asking too much.

The shower is the BRIDESMAIDS responsibility. You can do a variety of things. I know my wife was peeved when her bridal party had it in the maid of honor’s apartment and planned only to serve cake and punch. My sister stepped in and got some more food. Being from the East she is used to soup to nuts events. My wife did not expect them to unload their wallets but when their aprtment complex had a party room they could use for free why not have it there??

Bachelorette parties are your tab as well. I think you need to be fiscally responsible but these costs are pretty standard for these type of affairs. Again see what Emily Post or Miss Manners say. They are objective.
 
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puzzleannie:
When these unreasonable expectations are placed on relatives and friends the proper response is a written (not verbal) formal regrets letter, written in black ink on fine white or ivory paper with matching envelope.

Mr & Mrs David Jones
or Miss Daisy Jones
or Mr. David Jones
regret(s) he/she/they will not be able to attend the wedding of Catherine Consumer and Billy Bubblehead on June 1, 2006. Period, never complain, never explain (Hank Ford II).

In another envelope, place a lovely Hallmark card with warm good wishes and mail it. If you are truly greathearted you may enclose a small check for the happy couple to spend any way they wish. then wash your hands of the whole thing.
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All of puzzleannie’s advice was right on target. I focus on this quote because it is a gem. I would add: Agonize in private, give your decision without explanation, and don’t waffle. Especially when it comes to money matters–which are totally private–no one is owed an explanation. Furthermore, the more you try to explain, the more people who disagree with you will try to argue with you (arguing that you can afford it) and the more they will have to talk about you.

Frankly, I think you should have very kindly declined to be in the wedding. Freed from the expenses of the clothes, shower, etc, you could have been extra generous with your gift and volunteered to help out in some other way.

Recognize that you say you can’t afford these expenses but in actuality it is a choice. If you really wanted to do this, you would probably find a way (going into debt, borrowing from family or friends). And when you make a choice contrary to what others are doing, you make them feel uncomfortable about their choices and expectations. In response, they will criticize you rather than themselves and their choices and expectations. All of this is more reason not to talk about money.

At this point, you have already made commitments to be in the wedding party. Presumably your dress is ordered. I would advise you to follow through in as generous a way as possible. STOP talking about money to anyone associated with the wedding. Kick yourself in the butt (in private) for having 1. committed to being in the wedding party and 2. discussed money and your lack of it (which only makes your friend feel guilty) to the bride. Face it, you were trying to have it all your way–be in the wedding party, please the bride, and spend as little as possible. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You needed to make a decision and stick with it. You made your decision to be in the wedding party, now you need to do your utmost to follow through on that decision.
 
La Chiara:
Frankly, I think you should have very kindly declined to be in the wedding. Freed from the expenses of the clothes, shower, etc, you could have been extra generous with your gift and volunteered to help out in some other way.
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I think you are wrong.

First of all I did declined to be in the wedding for the financial reasons and after MUCH pleading on the bride’s part as well as promises of no financial responsbility aside from the dresses and gifts, I accepted. I DID offer to be involved in another way.

With all do respect you have no idea what kind of financial responsibilities other people have and it is rude to assume that a person can just “suck it up” and find the money.

When you are told up front what you are responsible for and make an agreement and then someone keeps adding to that responsibility (whether it is in money or time) I think that is wrong. I didn’t think that I had to read a book from Miss Manner’s to find out that my dear fried of 15 years would change her expectations.
 
La Chiara:
Kick yourself in the butt (in private) for having 1. committed to being in the wedding party and 2. discussed money and your lack of it (which only makes your friend feel guilty) to the bride. Face it, you were trying to have it all your way–be in the wedding party, please the bride, and spend as little as possible. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work that way. You needed to make a decision and stick with it. You made your decision to be in the wedding party, now you need to do your utmost to follow through on that decision.
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#1) Please do not make assumptions about what I have discussed and with whom I have done so.
#2) Also, do not make the assumption that I want to kick myself in the butt. I have no intention of doing so and I joyfully look forward to the day she enters into marriage.
#3) I do not like your statement that I was trying to have it all my way. This is not my first time in a wedding and I understand the politics of being in one. The difference is that in this situation one set of responsibilites were given by the bride (which I based my decision to stand up for her) and then they were changed after the committment was made. Although it stinks I never said I was not going to be there for her.
 
LynnieLew said:
#1) Please do not make assumptions about what I have discussed and with whom I have done so.
#2) Also, do not make the assumption that I want to kick myself in the butt. I have no intention of doing so and I joyfully look forward to the day she enters into marriage.
#3) I do not like your statement that I was trying to have it all my way. This is not my first time in a wedding and I understand the politics of being in one. The difference is that in this situation one set of responsibilites were given by the bride (which I based my decision to stand up for her) and then they were changed after the committment was made. Although it stinks I never said I was not going to be there for her.
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It is not proper etiquette to ask advice and then get huffy when you hear what you didn’t want to hear. Apparently, you are not to blame. Everyone else is. Including me. Hmmmmm…(You might try looking in the mirror.)
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LynnieLew said:
#1) Please do not make assumptions about what I have discussed and with whom I have done so.
#2) Also, do not make the assumption that I want to kick myself in the butt. I have no intention of doing so and I joyfully look forward to the day she enters into marriage.
#3) I do not like your statement that I was trying to have it all my way. This is not my first time in a wedding and I understand the politics of being in one. The difference is that in this situation one set of responsibilites were given by the bride (which I based my decision to stand up for her) and then they were changed after the committment was made. Although it stinks I never said I was not going to be there for her.
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LynnieLew-

I understand this is probably a most stressfull time for you. You are in a financial and “friendship” predicament.

But you DID ask for people’s opinions.

You DID open yourself up for advice- good and bad.

LaChiara has always had very charitable posts, and gives sound advice. I do not think she strayed from that in this situation.

If the advice doesn’t apply to you, then don’t take the advice!

Her advice it is still good for others who are in a similar situation. And from the sounds of it, it happens more often than any of us would like…

Peace be with you.
 
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