Am I a bad bridesmaid?

[LynnieLew]

I deeply apologize if I offended the writer and took her reply in something other than Christian charity and good will in which it was written.

Sincerely,

 

[LynnieLew]

Shiann:

LynnieLew-

I understand this is probably a most stressfull time for you. You are in a financial and “friendship” predicament.

But you DID ask for people’s opinions.

You DID open yourself up for advice- good and bad.

LaChiara has always had very charitable posts, and gives sound advice. I do not think she strayed from that in this situation.

If the advice doesn’t apply to you, then don’t take the advice!

Her advice it is still good for others who are in a similar situation. And from the sounds of it, it happens more often than any of us would like…

Peace be with you.

Thank you very much for your charitable post. You are correct.

 

[StephanieC]

Here’s my 2 cents:

A bride-to-be may ask whomever she wishes to be a bridesmaid.

Those whom she asks may say “yes” or “no thank-you.”

A thoughtful bride would be up-front with the potential cost(s).

The bridesmaid is free, at any point in time, to say, “I’m so sorry. While I would love to do you the honor of being in your wedding party, I realize that I am just not financially able to do so at this time. So I will graciously bow out to give you time to ask someone else. I will be beaming at you from the pew, instead. I can’t wait!” (Hugs and kisses may be exchanged. )

Whether or not said bride-to-be was in said bridesmaid’s wedding party is irrelevant.

A bride who tells stories about her “cruddy bridesmaid” ten years from now…well, that would reflect poorly on the bride, wouldn’t it?

 

[geojack]

StephanieC:

Here’s my 2 cents:

A bride-to-be may ask whomever she wishes to be a bridesmaid.

Those whom she asks may say “yes” or “no thank-you.”

A thoughtful bride would be up-front with the potential cost(s).

The bridesmaid is free, at any point in time, to say, “I’m so sorry. While I would love to do you the honor of being in your wedding party, I realize that I am just not financially able to do so at this time. So I will graciously bow out to give you time to ask someone else. I will be beaming at you from the pew, instead. I can’t wait!” (Hugs and kisses may be exchanged. )

Whether or not said bride-to-be was in said bridesmaid’s wedding party is irrelevant.

A bride who tells stories about her “cruddy bridesmaid” ten years from now…well, that would reflect poorly on the bride, wouldn’t it?

Most people have a sense of obligation. You do not back out at any point in time. When a person asks you to do the same for them that they did for you is not irrelevant.

 

[StephanieC]

geojack:

Most people have a sense of obligation. You do not back out at any point in time. When a person asks you to do the same for them that they did for you is not irrelevant.

I understand what you’re saying. However…what is the purpose of a bridesmaid (not maid or matron of honor)? What is the purpose of multiple bridesmaids? The bride-to-be can still get married w/o one.

Does LynnieLew’s sense of obligation have to outweigh the bride-to-be’s manners? Were I the bride in this case, at this point, I would be mortified that I had caused my dear friend LynnieLew such consternation and/or financial difficulty, not that she ‘owed me one.’

 

[33leprechaun]

genealogist:

As the husband I remember that the bridesmaids and groomsmen paid for their own attire. You need to get an etiquette book and see what your responsibilities are. Etiquette gives a standard and allows people to know what is expected and what is asking too much.

The shower is the BRIDESMAIDS responsibility. You can do a variety of things. I know my wife was peeved when her bridal party had it in the maid of honor’s apartment and planned only to serve cake and punch. My sister stepped in and got some more food. Being from the East she is used to soup to nuts events. My wife did not expect them to unload their wallets but when their aprtment complex had a party room they could use for free why not have it there??

Bachelorette parties are your tab as well. I think you need to be fiscally responsible but these costs are pretty standard for these type of affairs. Again see what Emily Post or Miss Manners say. They are objective.

I’m quite impressed! A husband who remembers wedding info! Your wife is a lucky gal. I’m no spendthrift, but I’m amazed at how cheap some people on this board are and what total drips! Geez, you only get married once! (hopefully) It’s crazy to go overboard and put yourself in major debt, but it’s your big day - splurge on a limo and tuxes, don’t cheap out. I’ve driven 6 hours - never again - to these el cheapo weddings with cash bars, etc. and thought they were horrible.

 

[Fashina86]

wow, that is a lot of money! You are not a bad bridesmaid, rather one who is cost conscious. My mom sent the fabric and patterns to her sisters for them to make their dresses (and ened up making most of them herself) and made her own dress too. I have found that making clothes decreases the cost incredibly and am planning on making my dress when thetime comes. But that is beside the point. You could tell her that you woudl be happy to be there and support her, but the cost is too much. If she was a true friend, she would understand.

 

[Youngcatholic]

I am following this thread with interest. I too am a bridesmaid this summer, and the costs just keep adding up!

$160 for the dress, $40.00 for the hair. Thank God I already have shoes from another occassion or else that would have been added.

A limo will be rented for this weekend’s bacchelorette party ($40.00/person) plus a “dress code” that all bridesmaids have to wear that night (red shirt–had to buy one).

Who knows what else a night out will cost! I also spent $100 on the shower gift. Food/drinks also had to be bought for shower and now the bacchelorette party.

The question is, do I now have to buy the bride an official wedding gift (money or whatever else)?

I have friends/also bridesmaids who are getting the bride wedding gifts on top of the financial committment of being in the wedding party.

I don’t want to seem cheap/uncharitable for not getting the bride a wedding gift…but it seems like I would have spent over $350 at this point! However, I love this friend dearly and want to be generous.

What is the etiquette on bridemaids giving wedding gifts?

Thanks.

 

[Katie1723]

You are not a bad bridesmaid…she however is a bad bride. Weddings nowadays are sooooooo expensive. And set everyone back more than a little financially. The significance of the sacrament is diminished by the fashion show in the church.
~ Kathy ~

 

[LynnieLew]

Youngcatholic:

What is the etiquette on bridemaids giving wedding gifts?

Thanks.

I think that etiquette states that if you are involved or attending you are expected to bring a gift.

So far my total is $350. :banghead:

I’m no longer upset about it because I have decided to take an alternate view: :getholy:

On the positive side, my friend has decided to get married at a (non-Catholic) church (she was baptized Catholic but hasn’t been to church since she was 4). THAT is a major step and I am trying to bring up God in our discussions.

Maybe that is worth the $350.

By the way, I decided not to go to the Bachelorette Wine Tour. She was disappointed but I told her it wasn’t an option.

She did however just break it to me that we do have to buy dyable shoes instead of the simple ones from the local department store. I just said, “Okay, honey.”
I am praying to be joyful.

 

[Shiann]

LynnieLew:

I think that etiquette states that if you are involved or attending you are expected to bring a gift.

So far my total is $350. :banghead:

I’m no longer upset about it because I have decided to take an alternate view: :getholy:

On the positive side, my friend has decided to get married at a (non-Catholic) church (she was baptized Catholic but hasn’t been to church since she was 4). THAT is a major step and I am trying to bring up God in our discussions.

Maybe that is worth the $350.

By the way, I decided not to go to the Bachelorette Wine Tour. She was disappointed but I told her it wasn’t an option.

She did however just break it to me that we do have to buy dyable shoes instead of the simple ones from the local department store. I just said, “Okay, honey.”
I am praying to be joyful.

What a class act!

You’ve made the best of an awkward situation. I think that is very charitable, and very christian.

Bravo!

:clapping:

 

[Giannawannabe]

Princess_Abby:

I agree. My husband and I paid for all of our wedding party’s expenses, including plane tickets and hotel bills to the actual wedding.

My husband’s cousin had a wedding a couple years ago that we were obligated to attend, though out of town. About four weeks before the wedding, his aunt calls and tells him that even though he isn’t part of the wedding party, he needed to ‘purchase’ the tuxedo that the wedding party would be attired in! Because his aunt, uncle, the bride and his cousin, the groom, had decided they wanted all male family members attired the same way to “stand apart.”

At first my husband said no. We weren’t even married yet and were only a few weeks away from OUR wedding. We were saving and had plenty of our own expenses to worry about. Plus, we were RENTING the tuxedos for OUR wedding–not purchasing them! His cousin has “expensive taste” and his mother simply refused to allow him to “rent” his “groom attire.”

My husband’s refusal caused a major tidal wave in the family. MAJOR. His own parents flipped out and guilted both of us, saying how rude and disrespectful we were to the bride and groom.

Then, his aunt called me and inquired about my dress. No, not MY wedding dress, but the dress I would be wearing to her son’s wedding. It was a very nice, $300 beautiful black dress that I had also worn to my engagement party. His aunt absolutely flipped out and said that my plan to “re-wear” a dress to another family event was “not acceptable.” When I explained that given there would be 300 people there and only 25 of them had been at my engagement party, and that I highly doubted anyone would notice or care, she said I needed to “carefully consider” my position on the subject because I was “not yet a member of the family.” Anyway, I got off the phone in tears…

The wedding was a four hour drive away and the hotel they picked for the family was $200/a night. Given that the family “had” to be there for the rehearsal dinner, we were all expected to stay both nights.

The best part was when my husband’s mother purchased the tuxedo FOR my husband, without his permission, and slapped him with the $850 bill and $150 shoe bill. Unbelievable.

None of my husband’s family, with the exception of his sisters and parents, were even going to be attending our wedding. (Which was in my hometown.) I was just sooooooooo angry that they expected us to spend literally over a thousand dollars simply for us to ATTEND THE WEDDING, when we hadn’t so much as even made a fuss that none of his extended family would be “bothering” to come to OUR wedding for around the same price.

I say, do what is best for your family and throw out the guilt. Weddings tend to bring out the monster in all of us, seriously. I have several friends getting married between now and the end of summer, each with at least one or two bridal showers and every one with a bachelorette party. There are six weddings, ten showers, six bachelorette parties. That is over 20 presents! My husband and I are moving this week and spending thousands of dollars to do so. I will have to be careful about how I budget my money for all the bridal shower, bachelorette and wedding gifts that will be needed and expected. I can’t go for broke simply because they expect everyone to “fall in line” to make their wedding experience perfect, as one poster so aptly put it.

Princess Abby,

Do tell. What happened with this wedding? Did you and your dh actually follow all the rules and go?

 

[Princess_Abby]

Giannawannabe:

Princess Abby,

Do tell. What happened with this wedding? Did you and your dh actually follow all the rules and go?

Hey Gianna

Yes, we went, but with our own modifications. My husband’s mother had actually taken his credit card out of his wallet (he moved home a few weeks before our wedding when his lease ended, and obviously he and I couldn’t live together before WE were married) and purchased the tuxedo that way. Words can’t even describe the fury my husband and I experienced upon finding that out… She left it on his bed, with the credit card and receipt lying innocently atop of it.

However, despite the fact that I wanted to rip her head off, my husband said absolutely nothing. He simply drove the tuxedo over to our new place, hung it in the closet, and never opened it. He avoided her up until it was nearly time for the wedding, not answering her scrawled notes or voicemails at work. He wore a very nice dark grey suit to the wedding, and I wore my black engagement party dress. It sent my MIL into a blind rage, but he refused to discuss it with her, past asking if she wanted to be charged with credit card fraud. That shut her down fairly quickly.

We also skipped the rehearsal dinner and saved $200 that way. In the end, our expenses were this:

hotel–200
tuxedo/shoes–1000
wedding gift–100
gas/meals–50

I was NOT happy about having to spend $1400 (if tax is included) to attend the wedding of a cousin we have not even seen nor heard from since. It was also hurtful because no one on his side of the family attended our wedding (which was in my hometown, several states away, nor acknowledged it with even so much as a card). As you know, we do not have anything to do with my husband’s family anymore because unfortunately the list of incidents only gets longer and this is by far very low on the totem pole of events!

As for my husband’s aunt, the groom’s mother, she was very bizarre at the wedding. You know how in recent years, many brides have worn tiaras with their veil? Well, his aunt was seriously wearing a crown. No veil, thankfully, but she had on a glittery ball gown of sorts and literally walked around the dining area with her nose in the air and the rhinestone crown perched atop her head. (Okay, I’m bordering on being uncharitable, but it was just soooo strange to me. My mother would never have tried to outdress me at MY wedding!) Anyway, the funny part was that almost all the bride’s friends were in extremely casual summer dresses, even though it was a formal evening wedding. I was among the few women dressed formally.

She did, however, corner me as my husband and I were checking into the hotel, to complain about our skipping the rehearsal dinner (though we had informed them in advance) and to ask me if she could “see my dress.” I told her that she had already seen my dress. At my engagement party. She set her mouth in a grim, firm little line and huffed off.

Anyway, we handled it the best we could! It STILL makes me mad to think about paying for that tux…but, oh well. My husband donated it to this charity closet thing and we heard that a man actually wore it to his own wedding and was absolutely thrilled with it, so perhaps it was all good in the end!

 

[Shiann]

Princess_Abby:

Hey Gianna

Yes, we went, but with our own modifications. My husband’s mother had actually taken his credit card out of his wallet (he moved home a few weeks before our wedding when his lease ended, and obviously he and I couldn’t live together before WE were married) and purchased the tuxedo that way. Words can’t even describe the fury my husband and I experienced upon finding that out… She left it on his bed, with the credit card and receipt lying innocently atop of it.

However, despite the fact that I wanted to rip her head off, my husband said absolutely nothing. He simply drove the tuxedo over to our new place, hung it in the closet, and never opened it. He avoided her up until it was nearly time for the wedding, not answering her scrawled notes or voicemails at work. He wore a very nice dark grey suit to the wedding, and I wore my black engagement party dress. It sent my MIL into a blind rage, but he refused to discuss it with her, past asking if she wanted to be charged with credit card fraud. That shut her down fairly quickly.

We also skipped the rehearsal dinner and saved $200 that way. In the end, our expenses were this:

hotel–200
tuxedo/shoes–1000
wedding gift–100
gas/meals–50

I was NOT happy about having to spend $1400 (if tax is included) to attend the wedding of a cousin we have not even seen nor heard from since. It was also hurtful because no one on his side of the family attended our wedding (which was in my hometown, several states away, nor acknowledged it with even so much as a card). As you know, we do not have anything to do with my husband’s family anymore because unfortunately the list of incidents only gets longer and this is by far very low on the totem pole of events!

As for my husband’s aunt, the groom’s mother, she was very bizarre at the wedding. You know how in recent years, many brides have worn tiaras with their veil? Well, his aunt was seriously wearing a crown. No veil, thankfully, but she had on a glittery ball gown of sorts and literally walked around the dining area with her nose in the air and the rhinestone crown perched atop her head. (Okay, I’m bordering on being uncharitable, but it was just soooo strange to me. My mother would never have tried to outdress me at MY wedding!) Anyway, the funny part was that almost all the bride’s friends were in extremely casual summer dresses, even though it was a formal evening wedding. I was among the few women dressed formally.

She did, however, corner me as my husband and I were checking into the hotel, to complain about our skipping the rehearsal dinner (though we had informed them in advance) and to ask me if she could “see my dress.” I told her that she had already seen my dress. At my engagement party. She set her mouth in a grim, firm little line and huffed off.

Anyway, we handled it the best we could! It STILL makes me mad to think about paying for that tux…but, oh well. My husband donated it to this charity closet thing and we heard that a man actually wore it to his own wedding and was absolutely thrilled with it, so perhaps it was all good in the end!

You guys have it SO together!

LOL

(and you have a bit of a talent for writting if I might say… I could almost see every crotchety turned up nose!)

May God Bless you both.

 

[Fashina86]

Shiann:

You guys have it SO together!

LOL

(and you have a bit of a talent for writting if I might say… I could almost see every crotchety turned up nose!)

May God Bless you both.

I completely agree… wow… that is a lot of work.

 

[Giannawannabe]

Shiann:

You guys have it SO together!

LOL

(and you have a bit of a talent for writting if I might say… I could almost see every crotchety turned up nose!)

May God Bless you both.

I also agree Shiann—I read the story over a few times, because I didn’t want to miss any awful details!!! WOW!!

 

[KCT]

Weddings have become a racket and an insane expense.

We’ve told our daughters (one of whom is engaged) we WILL NOT pay for expensive wedding dresses or extravagent flower arrangements. The money goes into the reception - a fun party where everyone can celebrate together and enjoy the day. (A good photographer is also a worthwhile expense, IMO) My dd plans to choose the color and let the bridesmaids pick the style of dress they like. She is also willing to rent a wedding dress or buy one used. Guys rent tuxes, why don’t women rent dresses? They’ll never wear it again.

I haven’t been in a wedding since 1993. The bride had a $1000+ dress and picked out bridesmaid dresses that cost $250 plus alterations. When I told her I couldn’t afford that, she offered to pay half. It was at that point that my dh said none of this silliness when our girls marry. —KCT

 

[Donna_Mc]

No, I don’t think you are a bad bridesmaid, I think your friend
is not very considerate of your situation. When my best friend
got married ten years ago, she did keep the costs reasonable
knowing it would be a hardship for me and others involved in
the wedding.

 

[1ke]

LynnieLew:

One of my best friends is getting married, and I am thrilled for her.

Problem:

When she asked me to be a bridesmaid I hesitated because of financial reasons. She assured me that it wouldn’t be an issue because she was going to keep costs down.

Well, she picked a $200 dress for us to wear, plus shoes, etc.

Then we were “told” that the bridesmaids were throwing the bridal shower. I am assuming there are costs for that.

Now, I got the invitation for the Bachelorette party. They are renting a limousine to go on a day long wine tour of the Finger Lakes (which is nice compared to what some people choose to do), which will cost $50, without the cost of wine, etc so it will be about $80.

The problem is that when I told her I didn’t think I can go, she was disappointed and laid on the guilt. She is such a dear friend and I don’t want to let her down but I am married with two young children and sincerely don’t have the money to go. When I got married I understood if people didn’t attend events, and some didn’t.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I feel guilty? I don’t want her telling stories about her cruddy bridesmaid to people 10 years from now.

Thoughts? Advice?

As a current bride-to-be I can say that YOU are not the one behaving badly in this scenario.

Your friend is out of line.

I was very conscious of cost for my BMs. I picked out dresses that were $80, and then I waited until I had a 30% coupon so they’d get a discount. They bought $20 discount shoes, sandals.

I did not ask or tell anyone to throw me a shower or bachelorette party. Talk about rude in the extreme-- telling people to attend events and throw you present-giving occasions such as a shower???

Your friend doesn’t sound like a friend to me. She sounds like a present-grabbing princess living out a bridezilla fantasy.

I’d ditch her and her wedding.