Am I a fornicator?

[Snowy]

I have always believed that my wife and I were married to the eyes of God the day we became one flesh. We got married three years later outside the Church, and now I’m preparing my first Confession with the help of the U.S. Catholic Catechism for Adults.

I’m going to confess having fornicated with her because I have had sexual intercourse with her while having impure thoughts, for which I’m truly repentant, but I’m not ready to accept that we fornicated because we didn’t get married through the Church.

Any thoughts on the subject will be greatly appreciated.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

Not enough information.

First, your profile says you’re Catholic, your own posts say you have become a Christian, but this post says you are preparing for your first confession.

If you were Catholic, on becoming Catholic you would have already had your Baptism, confirmation, communion and confession. . .so why your ‘first confession’ is coming after your Catholic sacraments is very confusing.

Further, in order to become Catholic, all this about your marriage would have already come up.

So I’m not sure what you are, and thus I can’t answer your question because there could be a lot more to it than just what you wrote, and some of the information will be different depending on whether you are a Catholic or a Protestant. Not all, but some.

 

[Mrs_Mac]

In answering this question I am assuming that you were not Catholic at the time of your marriage. Are you presently in RCIA and preparing to be received into the Church?

If that is the case, you may want to discuss the circumstances of your marriage with the priest at some point prior to your confession. He will advise whether you need to have your marriage convalidated and what that process involves.

Also, if neither you nor your wife were Catholic at the time of the wedding, your marriage is valid in the eyes of the Church and there has been no fornication, assuming that all of your activity took place within a legal marriage.

I hope this helps.

God bless, Mrs. Mac

 

[Joe_Kelley]

A matter like this involves too many details for public discussion. A public forum is much better suited to discussing general aspects of problems; not the details of a specific case. Aspecific case is best discussed with the priest in confession. It is much better to discuss a non-sin than to omit a real sin.

 

[Snowy]

Not enough information.

First, your profile says you’re Catholic, your own posts say you have become a Christian, but this post says you are preparing for your first confession.

If you were Catholic, on becoming Catholic you would have already had your Baptism, confirmation, communion and confession. . .so why your ‘first confession’ is coming after your Catholic sacraments is very confusing.

Further, in order to become Catholic, all this about your marriage would have already come up.

So I’m not sure what you are, and thus I can’t answer your question because there could be a lot more to it than just what you wrote, and some of the information will be different depending on whether you are a Catholic or a Protestant. Not all, but some.

If the Church says I’m not a Catholic, then I guess I’m not. I thought I became a wilful Catholic last week when I disowned myself to God and accepted the Catholic Church as the Church set up by Jesus Christ. I was baptized in the Church when I was a week old and went through the First Communion when I was 6 years old, although I lied in my first confession and wasn’t repentant of anything. I thought that gave me the right to confess honestly for the first time in my life at the time of my choosing. Please tell me what you think I am.

 

[Mrs_Mac]

You are a Catholic. You need to learn about your faith. Talk to your priest about joining an RCIA program or a confirmation class for baptized adult Catholics.

You do not have to go through this alone. The Church is waiting, with open arms, to help you.

God bless you.

 

[Tantum_ergo]

You are a baptized Catholic who made first communion. Lying in your ‘first’ confession at age 6 because you didn’t have anything ‘to confess’ as you thought is totally unrelated to your Catholic status right now.
Then it is imperative that you tell the priest that you are a baptized Catholic who received the Eucharist, and who married outside the church. . .for until you ‘convalidate’ that union, you are fornicating now and have been. (And please. . .this is not meant to scold you or to judge you and it is not personally directed ‘against you’. And again, please, please talk to your priest about this. Don’t just take my word for–and for God’s sake, don’t ‘disregard’ it it either–talk to your priest. Provided you and your wife have not been married before, it is very, very easy to convalidate your union and to have a valid sacramental marriage.)

While again I am not in any way judging you, condemning you, etc., the ‘basics’ of Catholic faith are not hard to find–especially not ‘3 years ago’ when you married. Normal prudence should have (this is not a ‘finger wagging’ bad you ‘should’, it is more like a ‘checking through regular upkeep’ should) led you, even if you were totally uninterested in your “old” Catholic faith or never thought of yourself as Catholic, to read about that faith as you approached marriage, to see if there was anything ‘different’ or ‘special’ with Catholic marriage. (That’s assuming that absolutely none of your family or friends who happened to be Catholic said to you, “Hey, Snowy, did you know that Catholics are supposed to get married in Church?”) I mean, even ‘secular’ papers and ‘marriage magazines’ mention Catholics marrying in churches on a fairly regular basis but you might have missed it.

I do hope that you read through the Catechism of the Catholic Church (It will explain things to you about why it is essential for Catholics to marry in Church, for one thing) so that you fully understand the faith.

And God bless you and your wife.

 

[Snowy]

A matter like this involves too many details for public discussion. A public forum is much better suited to discussing general aspects of problems; not the details of a specific case. Aspecific case is best discussed with the priest in confession. It is much better to discuss a non-sin than to omit a real sin.

Thank you, Joe. I didn’t think that my question was out of place after reading many of the other threads. I want to be somewhat prepared when I confess, folks here are very knowledgeable and willing to help, and my priest has many other parishoners to tend to other than myself.

 

[Snowy]

You are a Catholic. You need to learn about your faith. Talk to your priest about joining an RCIA program or a confirmation class for baptized adult Catholics.

You do not have to go through this alone. The Church is waiting, with open arms, to help you.

God bless you.

Thank you, Mrs. Mac. I went to my first RCIA meeting last night, and got the feeling that I understand Catholicism better than the instructors except for the minutiae. I must have got it through osmosis by growing up in a Catholic country. In the U.S. folks shop for a parish like they were shopping for shoes!

 

[Snowy]

Thank you, Tantum ergo; I have been a fornicator then. I accept the charge but have no idea right know how I’m ever going to feel repentant about it. I’m in no hurry to take the Eucharist.

I appreciate your diplomatic finesse, but I’ve received most of my education at construction jobsites so please feel free to give it to me straight next time.

 

[LilyM]

Thank you, Tantum ergo; I have been a fornicator then. I accept the charge but have no idea right know how I’m ever going to feel repentant about it. I’m in no hurry to take the Eucharist.

I appreciate your diplomatic finesse, but I’ve received most of my education at construction jobsites so please feel free to give it to me straight next time.

Do you believe that the Church teaches with all the authority of Christ (‘as the Father sent Me, so am I sending you’, ‘he who hears you hears Me’, ‘what you bind on earth will be bound in heaven’ etc)? In other words that it is CHRIST Himself, through the Church, that teaches us, and not merely a bunch of fallible humans?

That it is He who teaches us about the sanctity of marriage, the invalidity of any priestly ordination except those of the Catholic and Orthodox churches, and the importance of celebrating the sacrament in front of a minister properly ordained by God? Whatever you may think, marriage in front of any but a Catholic or Orthodox minister does NOT, for a Catholic, mean that you were married in the eyes of God.

Feelings of repentance? Hmm, feelings are funny things, fleeting and often deceptive. Repentance is more about actions and acts of will than emotions. A bit like love in that way, as I’m sure you and your partner have found (I’m sure you haven’t ‘felt’ madly in love with her every single day, but you’ve performed actions and made choices of the will that constitute love).

Do you recognise that your ‘marriage’ was not solemnised as God intended it to be for members of His Catholic church, and thus not a sacrament nor marriage in His eyes? And thus hurt Him, as a mockery of His great sacrament(surely you can be sorry for THAT at least, as you might be if you hurt your partner inadvertently by some act, even if perhaps you don’t understand WHY it hurts them)? Do you further realise that to make things right you need to live as brother and sister with your partner (no sex) for a very short while until you can arrange a convalidation?

If you can answer yes to those questions, then you’re good to confess and turn a new leaf.

 

[Snowy]

Thank you, LilyM. I am repentant for most of my sins, so I know what repentance “feels” like and can use that “feeling” as a reference to knowing whether I am repentant of a sin or not. I have treated my wife as a sister for the last 5 days (I’ve been a Christian for 7 days), and if that counts as “repentance by works”, then I guess I’m good to go.

Do you happen to know if the convalidation of our marriage involves her accepting the Catholic faith? If so, I’m afraid I’m going to be in the dry dock for a long time unless the Virgin comes to the rescue.

If it gets too hard I can always become a New Age Protestant! (Kidding.)

 

[LilyM]

Thank you, LilyM. I am repentant for most of my sins, so I know what repentance “feels” like and can use that “feeling” as a reference to knowing whether I am repentant of a sin or not. I have treated my wife as a sister for the last 5 days (I’ve been a Christian for 7 days), and if that counts as “repentance by works”, then I guess I’m good to go.

Do you happen to know if the convalidation of our marriage involves her accepting the Catholic faith? If so, I’m afraid I’m going to be in the dry dock for a long time unless the Virgin comes to the rescue.

If it gets too hard I can always become a New Age Protestant! (Kidding.)

Ooh, you do realise that if you judge love by feelings alone then you’re in for serious trouble. Same goes with repentance. I’m guessing you’ve maintained brother-and-sister relations with her because you want to be at rights with God (I doubt you’d do as much for a mere human rule or regulation), so sounds like repentance is there all right, even if you don’t feel it.

Nope, she doesn’t have to become a Catholic. Although as with all Catholic marriages she’ll be asked to consent to you doing your best to raise the kids Catholic (doesn’t mean she can’t expose them to her own faith as well though, if she has one).

If worst comes to worst, you can even have what is called a ‘radical sanation’ which, in cases where the non-Catholic party is really stubborn about not having a convalidation ceremony, can be done by the Catholic party in their absence. But convalidation is quicker and easier.