Am I a grieving father?

[Dan_McVay]

A while back my girlfriend missed her period. Then she had a very heavy period, which turned out to be a miscarriage (that might not be the correct medial term). Anyways, if life begins at conception did, I loss a child? Should I get bereavement time off from work? Would it be offensive if I told a mother I know who just lost her six-year old to leukemia that I, too, know what is like to lose a child?

 

[Mintaka]

First off, my condolences to you and your girlfriend. There’s nothing sadder than having a death in the family and not even being able to have a body or a grave.

A lot of couples suffer the pain of a miscarried baby. So a lot of mothers of dead six-year-olds would not only accept your grief, but would share their grief for their previous miscarried children.

What the rules of your workplace are for funeral leaves, I don’t know and can’t tell you. I think a lot of bosses would offer you grief counseling and tell you to take some time off. A lot of people put up cenotaphs for miscarried babies they cannot bury (you sometimes see little stones or plaques in cemeteries, for instance), and there are memorial sections of many cemeteries or parish gardens which are dedicated to the memory of the unborn. Giving the child a name, even if only between you two or in your own head, may help you grieve better. You may also find support groups and miscarriage websites to be helpful, because they will understand best what you’ve gone through.

You have the right to be sad, or to be unsure how you feel.

 

[Carolus_Martell]

A while back my girlfriend… … like to lose a child?

You can’t be serious… on so many levels this reeks of super stink, gas and wetness.

 

[Allegra]

That’s terrible! I would imagine that if you planned any sort of memorial, your work would give you off for that. When my sister lost her baby, they gave her husband three paid days for bereavement. I don’t know what the reaction of a mother who has lost a six-year-old would be. It probably depends on the person. I wouldn’t recommend trying to compare grief. It doesn’t do any good. Everyone grieves over these things in different ways.

 

[Abba]

How do you know it was a miscarriage? Did a doctor confirm that it was a miscarriage? I ask because I use to run every day about six miles and there was a time when I did not get my period for about four months - because of my running. Then when it came it was seriously painful (neighbors heard me a block away and came to help me - I thought I was dying, I did not know what was going on inside of me) and very heavy. To know if your lady had a miscarriage the blood would have to have been examined and so on for tissue. Was this done?

 

[jpjd]

A while back my girlfriend missed her period. Then she had a very heavy period, which turned out to be a miscarriage (that might not be the correct medial term). Anyways, if life begins at conception did, I loss a child? Should I get bereavement time off from work? Would it be offensive if I told a mother I know who just lost her six-year old to leukemia that I, too, know what is like to lose a child?

1. While a missed period usually indicates a pregnancy, there are other reasons for a missed period. (women.webmd.com/tc/missed-or-irregular-periods-topic-overview) For many women, irregular periods are routine.
   Unless your girlfriend has been told by her doctor that she had a miscarriage, then you cannot definitively state that she has had one.
2. However, if she truly did have a miscarriage, then yes, you lost a child.
3. If you have to ask if you are grieving, then I would say that you are not and therefore you have no right to take bereavement leave from work. You would be wise to save your bereavement leave for a time when you really need it. You never know when an unexpected death in the family might occur, that would truly leave you grieving.
4. It would be extremely offensive for you to tell a mother who just lost a 6 year old child that you also know what it is to lose a child. You in fact have NO IDEA what it is to lose a child. If your girlfriend did indeed have a miscarriage, a life was lost, no doubt about it. However, you never developed a relationship with that child, and certainly did not have 6 years of loving relationship.

I have to say, your insensitivity is appalling, and that you seem to want to use this situation as a means to advance your own self-interest (getting bereavement leave, seeking the sympathy factor) does not speak well of your character. I would also remind you that if you really love your girlfriend and have her well-being as your highest concern, you would cease having sexual relations with her until the two of you are married.

I think the OP is a troll.

 

[TimothyH]

A while back my girlfriend missed her period. Then she had a very heavy period, which turned out to be a miscarriage (that might not be the correct medial term). Anyways, if life begins at conception did, I loss a child? Should I get bereavement time off from work? Would it be offensive if I told a mother I know who just lost her six-year old to leukemia that I, too, know what is like to lose a child?

Dan, I happened to have lost a child to Leukemia (AML) in 1996. Her name was Stephanie. She was 4 1/2 years old and was my only child at the time.

I must be honest here, and suggest that many men do not bond with their chidren until after they are born, and even then it takes some time. I have an aunt and uncle who had a stillborn baby, and my uncle told me that he did not grieve as much for the child as he did for his wife who was devistated. The fact that you are asking these questions leads me to believe that you are in the same situation. Quite frankly, if you were grieving you would not have to ask any of these questions - you would know if you lost a child or not, and if you needed time off from work.

Please don’t bring it up to the mother.

-Tim-

 

[maryjk]

A while back my girlfriend missed her period. Then she had a very heavy period, which turned out to be a miscarriage (that might not be the correct medial term). Anyways, if life begins at conception did, I loss a child?

Yes.

Should I get bereavement time off from work?

Since you didn’t notice the loss, you would not need bereavement leave.

Would it be offensive if I told a mother I know who just lost her six-year old to leukemia that I, too, know what is like to lose a child?

Yes.

 

[DavidFilmer]

I don’t think someone can truly know what it is like to loose a child until they have had a child in the first place.

You were both completely unaware of this child’s existence until the miscarriage (and you don’t say how you are even sure this was a miscarriage).

If your child had been born and lived to the age of six, and then you lost her, I guarantee you would not need to ask others if you are in grief. You would know it all by yourself.