Am I a Home-wrecker?

[Mystic_Warrior]

Thank you very much for the warm reply. You seem to be right by simply applying common sense to catch those red flags, I must submit myself into departing from this. Before her, I was involved with a lady who was dating someone 22 years older than her. She was also living pretty comfortably and left it all to be with me, but she ended up seeing him or asking for certain things back (such as the car and cash) as much as it hurted I let her go and now she really is single and tells me she can be trusted. I should have probably waited. I don’t want this to happen again and I’ve never caught her doing anything but as you know her behavior and limitations are more than suspicious. I don’t want to hire a private investigator, I wish I could know the truth. She has offered to show me the divorce papers but I don’t think it’ll solve anything. I spoke with her today and told her straight foward that I’m not playing any games and will submit to a relationship once I see she’s fully available. I just don’t want to get hurt but at the same time I don’t want to lose someone who might or might not be that special person.

Brother, in your situation you don’t need a judge, you need someone to help you make sense of things when you can’t fully make sense of things yourself.

Yes, you care for her and don’t want to let her go. I can understand that. You don’t want to see a good thing pass you by. But, like I said, you are important here too. You don’t need her to make you feel complete. You don’t need her to make you feel good about yourself.

And this will send a clear signal to her that you are thinking of your own needs too. She won’t consider you as a “fall-back” in case things with him don’t work out. She needs to understand that you aren’t going to be her lap-dog. That only boosts her sense of self-worth. Now she is faced with a dilemma. The ball is in her court. Either she straightens up and flies right or she doesn’t. This will be the true test of what her real intentions are.

I’m not saying she is bad or not a nice person. But, she obviously needs to get some things squared away - for herself, her (ex?) husband and her daughter. And it all hinges on her at this point.

I am far from being a counselor, but if you have some self-esteem issues to work on or any issues that keep you from staying the course I would speak to somene to help you sort these things out. You don’t have to be “crazy” to see one. After a serious relationship went wrong (when I was unmarried and seriously dating) I was so distraught that I saw a counselor one time and walked away better for it. Just something to think about. I wish you well on your journey.

God bless…

MW

 

[EucaristiaDiv]

Brother, in your situation you don’t need a judge, you need someone to help you make sense of things when you can’t fully make sense of things yourself.

Yes, you care for her and don’t want to let her go. I can understand that. You don’t want to see a good thing pass you by. But, like I said, you are important here too. You don’t need her to make you feel complete. You don’t need her to make you feel good about yourself.

And this will send a clear signal to her that you are thinking of your own needs too. She won’t consider you as a “fall-back” in case things with him don’t work out. She needs to understand that you aren’t going to be her lap-dog. That only boosts her sense of self-worth. Now she is faced with a dilemma. The ball is in her court. Either she straightens up and flies right or she doesn’t. This will be the true test of what her real intentions are.

I’m not saying she is bad or not a nice person. But, she obviously needs to get some things squared away - for herself, her (ex?) husband and her daughter. And it all hinges on her at this point.

I am far from being a counselor, but if you have some self-esteem issues to work on or any issues that keep you from staying the course I would speak to somene to help you sort these things out. You don’t have to be “crazy” to see one. After a serious relationship went wrong (when I was unmarried and seriously dating) I was so distraught that I saw a counselor one time and walked away better for it. Just something to think about. I wish you well on your journey.

God bless…

MW

So how exactly do you think I can let her know I value myself. I don’t like to give people I care about into the pressure of a test, but like I said before I’m desesperate to know the truth. How exactly do I let her know I care about myself more??

As for previous relationships, I was engaged once with whom I still think was the one love of my life. It ended up horribly wrong because of different points of views but it was all my fault. I never stopped thinking about her nor about what happened. I remained single for a couple of years (due to being used to be extremely faithful to her) and because I was waiting to copulate after marrying her. Well, to keep it short I became someone who can easily be with anyone. Due to how I broke up with my ex fiancee I tend to strive to be with women that have complicated lives (the trophy girlfriend of an older gent) and I never bragged about it or spoke about it because I’m ashamed of it but I feel so far away from the man I want to be because of this lifestyle. My ex fiancee was the nicest sweetest person, but she was not even willing to say goodbye to me when i had to move out, perhaps I don’t want to date a nice person because of that…

 

[Et_Cetera]

I she using you for sex and her husband for money?

 

[EasterJoy]

…perhaps I don’t want to date a nice person because of that…

The woman you say you love deserves to be someone you think is a blessing especially for you, straight from God. That’s a lot more than thinking she is “nice”, and this one doesn’t even reach that mark. You think less of yourself for dating her. That’s love?

Get out of this relationship–if you put a 26-year-old woman in the same situation, it reads like a cliche for a naive kid trading her self-respect for the attentions of an unrepentant user–and do not start another one until you’ve had a chance to have many long talks with someone who can convince you that the man you wish you were is the man God desires you to be, too, and for the sake of a woman with whom you can mutually travel through every joy and sorrow towards Heaven. That sweet girl you broke up with isn’t the last one on the planet.

So how exactly do you think I can let her know I value myself. I don’t like to give people I care about into the pressure of a test, but like I said before I’m desesperate to know the truth. How exactly do I let her know I care about myself more??..

When it comes to living a moral life, caring about her and caring about yourself are the same thing. This isn’t about judging her. It is about judging your own behavior. She is not your wife, you don’t think she is any great prize, and yet you claim that you “love” her. You not even know whether she is divorced, let alone whether or not her marriage is actually valid. In the meantime, the man this woman is living with (and living off of) is that little girl’s dad. Make that little girl of hers into a 26-year-old, and try to explain to the daughter what business you have diddling with her mother. You can’t do it. Love? Oh, she isn’t buying that. Do you?

Do *everyone *a favor. Break this off.

 

[iamrefreshed]

Yes. You are a home wrecker.

She is likely lying to you and having an affair with you.

Cease all contact immediately.

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

So how exactly do you think I can let her know I value myself. I don’t like to give people I care about into the pressure of a test, but like I said before I’m desesperate to know the truth. How exactly do I let her know I care about myself more??

You already did that brother. From what I read, you basically told her to let you know when she is available and you can go from there. I think that’s a great start. I would express to her that you feel used (if you do) and that you believe in yourself enough to make sure you are having your needs met for companionship without having to compete with her (ex) husband and her live-in situation. You don’t have to pressure her. You just state your intentions and your feelings about the situation.

As for previous relationships, I was engaged once with whom I still think was the one love of my life. It ended up horribly wrong because of different points of views but it was all my fault. I never stopped thinking about her nor about what happened. I remained single for a couple of years (due to being used to be extremely faithful to her) and because I was waiting to copulate after marrying her.

I am sorry to hear about that relationship. It’s good that you acknowledge your shortcomings, but did she have some as well that helped end that relationship?

Well, to keep it short I became someone who can easily be with anyone. Due to how I broke up with my ex fiancee I tend to strive to be with women that have complicated lives (the trophy girlfriend of an older gent) and I never bragged about it or spoke about it because I’m ashamed of it but I feel so far away from the man I want to be because of this lifestyle. My ex fiancee was the nicest sweetest person, but she was not even willing to say goodbye to me when i had to move out, perhaps I don’t want to date a nice person because of that…

Brother, that’s why I encourage you to see a counselor to deal with your perceptions and needs. They can also help you set your goals for what you want to achieve. I’m a certified hypnosis practitioner and a local hypnotherapist could help you as well. If there’s a pattern to your behavior in relationships (as you’ve noticed) then that signals it’s time to have someone help you get out of that behavior.

Realize this: none of us are the men we want to be. There’s always room for improvement in our lives. Jesus Christ is the great Healer. Draw close to him and He will draw close to you. And He has put people in this world to help others - iron sharpens iron. I’m not the man I want to be. But, I keep trying - striving with the Lord’s help to get where HE wants me to be.

I would be glad to listen and be a friend. I’m already your brother. Feel free to email me anytime. Send me a PM and we can exchange emails. I learned from the Promise Keepers organization a long time ago the value of men helping men in their daily walk with Christ.

God bless…

MW

 

[Newbie2]

Even if they were not married in the Church (and even if they are not Catholic), she still has to go through the annulment process before she would be free to date and marry in the Catholic Church.

Edit: I should add, though, that you are not a homewrecker. That home was wrecked long before you came on the scene. But you still need to remove yourself from that situation immediately. It cannot possibly end well for you.

the couple in question is validly married until proven otherwise, civil divorce has no effect on a valid marriage.

Is this true if it was a “civil only” marriage, outside of any church? References?

 

[MYLORDANDMYGOD1]

I sure hope you are listening to all of this wonder advice! Please, please run- and leave skid marks! This woman is TROUBLE!

 

[whatevergirl]

So how exactly do you think I can let her know I value myself. I don’t like to give people I care about into the pressure of a test, but like I said before I’m desesperate to know the truth. How exactly do I let her know I care about myself more??

As for previous relationships, I was engaged once with whom I still think was the one love of my life. It ended up horribly wrong because of different points of views but it was all my fault. I never stopped thinking about her nor about what happened. I remained single for a couple of years (due to being used to be extremely faithful to her) and because I was waiting to copulate after marrying her. Well, to keep it short I became someone who can easily be with anyone. Due to how I broke up with my ex fiancee I tend to strive to be with women that have complicated lives (the trophy girlfriend of an older gent) and I never bragged about it or spoke about it because I’m ashamed of it but I feel so far away from the man I want to be because of this lifestyle. My ex fiancee was the nicest sweetest person, but she was not even willing to say goodbye to me when i had to move out, perhaps I don’t want to date a nice person because of that…

You can show her you value yourself by leaving the relationship. Nothing short of that will show her that. And you need to show yourself that you have value. It will hurt. There is no doubt about that. Following Christ, sometimes, has its painful steps.

I will keep you in my prayers…that you will be strong, and that you will break this off. Just imagine you being her husband, and he knows nothing of you. It’s not fair to him. If she wants to make a mess out of her marriage and life, it is her choice. But, don’t be a part of that. I feel sad for her too…she is far deep into sin, but no one is ever hopeless with God. God can pull anyone out of the trenches of sin. But, she has to extend her hand to be lifted out.

Please–end the relationship as soon as you can. Don’t take her calls. Pray hard and long. You can do this. It is not what God would have planned for you.

 

[SarahR]

Ya know, it irritates me when people…anonymous folks on the internet…try to discern “is it a sacramental marriage” in a case like this. Come on. That’s one of those things that seems to come up in most of these threads, but really.

Back to the issue:
Next time, OP, see a huge red flag when some woman wants to start complaining about her (ex or what-ever) spouse to you, has a young child, says she keeps “feeling sick” so she can’t talk to you, etc. Must be some magnetic woman.

You are a person, not some factor to be manipulated. You should be treated with great dignity and respect and honored in any relationship worth having.

 

[puzzleannie]

Is this true if it was a “civil only” marriage, outside of any church? References?

yes. reference is canon law. the woman is still living with her husband for heavens sake.

civil marriage for two non-Catholics is valid. go on the sacraments forum if you want further discussion.

 

[quasimodo]

yes. reference is canon law. the woman is still living with her husband for heavens sake.

civil marriage for two non-Catholics is valid. go on the sacraments forum if you want further discussion.

right you are. canon law presumes all marriages are valid until proven otherwise. period.

 

[Newbie2]

Ya know, it irritates me when people…anonymous folks on the internet…try to discern “is it a sacramental marriage” in a case like this. Come on. That’s one of those things that seems to come up in most of these threads, but really.

.

Well…um…this is a religious forum and the sacramentality or not of marriage is relevant. Don’t be irritated.

yes. reference is canon law. the woman is still living with her husband for heavens sake.

civil marriage for two non-Catholics is valid. go on the sacraments forum if you want further discussion.

Specific reference, please? “Canon law” is like saying “The Church says”…very vague.

Yes, she’s living with her husband but the OP uses the term “Ex”.

I’m not clear whether or not they are civilly divorced, Catholic/non-Catholic/annuled/not annuled or simply not getting along. Can someone clarify?

 

[EucaristiaDiv]

You already did that brother. From what I read, you basically told her to let you know when she is available and you can go from there. I think that’s a great start. I would express to her that you feel used (if you do) and that you believe in yourself enough to make sure you are having your needs met for companionship without having to compete with her (ex) husband and her live-in situation. You don’t have to pressure her. You just state your intentions and your feelings about the situation.

I am sorry to hear about that relationship. It’s good that you acknowledge your shortcomings, but did she have some as well that helped end that relationship?

Brother, that’s why I encourage you to see a counselor to deal with your perceptions and needs. They can also help you set your goals for what you want to achieve. I’m a certified hypnosis practitioner and a local hypnotherapist could help you as well. If there’s a pattern to your behavior in relationships (as you’ve noticed) then that signals it’s time to have someone help you get out of that behavior.

Realize this: none of us are the men we want to be. There’s always room for improvement in our lives. Jesus Christ is the great Healer. Draw close to him and He will draw close to you. And He has put people in this world to help others - iron sharpens iron. I’m not the man I want to be. But, I keep trying - striving with the Lord’s help to get where HE wants me to be.

I would be glad to listen and be a friend. I’m already your brother. Feel free to email me anytime. Send me a PM and we can exchange emails. I learned from the Promise Keepers organization a long time ago the value of men helping men in their daily walk with Christ.

God bless…

MW

Once again, thank you. I’ve done a few things that were difficult to do. I asked her for the divorce papers, she now says that I’m not trusting on her word. I told her how I feel and how hard it is to trust her with all the red flags and she’s saying I’m being selfish for not understanding the situation she’s in for her daughter. She kept accusing me of leaving off with another girl right away. I told her I can’t do this if I don’t see good intentions and she was getting more mad the more I said it. We’ll be friends. Your words and everyone else’s here has made me understand to the full extent of what I was doing and I concluded I better not take a chance. When I hear advice from friends I smurk and don’t listen, but when it comes from a Catholic’s point of view I just can’t stop myself from listening. I was kind of expecting that from here. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

ps.- she kept asking me who have I been talking to lately that is making me act different now.

 

[whatevergirl]

Once again, thank you. I’ve done a few things that were difficult to do. I asked her for the divorce papers, she now says that I’m not trusting on her word. I told her how I feel and how hard it is to trust her with all the red flags and she’s saying I’m being selfish for not understanding the situation she’s in for her daughter. She kept accusing me of leaving off with another girl right away. I told her I can’t do this if I don’t see good intentions and she was getting more mad the more I said it. We’ll be friends. Your words and everyone else’s here has made me understand to the full extent of what I was doing and I concluded I better not take a chance. When I hear advice from friends I smurk and don’t listen, but when it comes from a Catholic’s point of view I just can’t stop myself from listening. I was kind of expecting that from here. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

ps.- she kept asking me who have I been talking to lately that is making me act different now.

You have been enligtened by God, my friend in Christ. Enlightened by God. We are supposed to be the Holy Spirit’s mouth and ears sometimes, for others to listen to. I’m so glad you heeded the advice. This woman is up to no good. Please don’t let her manipulate you back into the situation. Interesting…she told you she’d show you the divorce papers, but there are none…trust me. She never thought you’d take her up on the offer to show you.

The tangled webs we weave…thankfully, you are getting out of this one. I’m so happy for you–you sound in brighter spirits today.

God bless!!! Stay strong.

 

[theistgal]

You are doing the right thing by backing off and getting out of the situation as soon as possible.

FWIW - you are not the “home wrecker” here - SHE is, and she’s doing it to her own home.

 

[prodigal-sun]

Despite the fact that I feel like it, my heart tells me to be patient and that I’m not a homewrecker. I’m currently dating a woman 10 years older than me (I’m 26) who has a 5-year-old daughter with whom she says is her ex-husband (they did not get married through the Church). Because he made a living hell out of her life while they were separated she finally decided to move back into the house with him just for the sake of the daughter. Not to mention it’s a huge house, she drives an expensive benz, etc etc. So she lives quite comfortably with him. I only see her during school hours since we both go to the same college. She even told me once that they sleep in the same bed with the baby in between but they never even touch each other. She doesn’t dare to call me during the evenings and weekends. When we do talk they’re short conversations because she’s always feeling sick. Her plan is to finish studying (2 years left) and then move out to be on her own with her daughter and then we can have a steady relationship. I love her and I want to believe her, one side of me says I’m naive and stupid but another that I should be patient because she’s worth the wait. My priority really is the little girl, I don’t want to be in an affair. She says that he can’t never find out because he said her daughter will never have another daddy because he won’t permit it and she’d get kick out of the house and give away all those financial commodities. I just wish there could be a way to find out the truth without hurting any of them.

Any suggestions, comments, and insults would be very much welcome,

Some dude from Miami who has the bad luck to come across trophy wives (3rd time)

I think you have it… Naive! She’s playing you, Run amay as fast as you can!

Peace!

 

[Mystic_Warrior]

Once again, thank you. I’ve done a few things that were difficult to do. I asked her for the divorce papers, she now says that I’m not trusting on her word.

Yep, red flag

I told her how I feel and how hard it is to trust her with all the red flags and she’s saying I’m being selfish for not understanding the situation she’s in for her daughter. She kept accusing me of leaving off with another girl right away. I told her I can’t do this if I don’t see good intentions and she was getting more mad the more I said it. We’ll be friends.

And you are exactly right in telling her how you feel about all of this. If she doesn’t want to listen to your feelings now, she certainly won’t want to listen if you are in a serious relationship with her. Selfish? Geez. You are simply taking care of yourself to avoid being hurt further by the deceptions. The thing is that you didn’t create her situation - she and her (ex) husband did. She’s blaming the victim. A sure sign that she is not willing to accept responsibility for her faults.

Good - be friends. Be careful not to fall into the trap of being her shoulder to cry on though. That could lead to mixed emotions and getting you back into the same predicament you got yourself in to start with. It’s possible that she is getting more mad because she knows it’s true and she’s losing her “back-up” plan.

Your words and everyone else’s here has made me understand to the full extent of what I was doing and I concluded I better not take a chance. When I hear advice from friends I smurk and don’t listen, but when it comes from a Catholic’s point of view I just can’t stop myself from listening. I was kind of expecting that from here. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

ps.- she kept asking me who have I been talking to lately that is making me act different now.

You are very welcome brother. I couldn’t let you fall into a pit without saying something. We’re all like this - those closest to us we don’t listen to. Strangers who can look at a situation objectively can be a great help. Just tell her that you have some good friends who care about you and that you feel led by God to take this course of action.

Peace be unto you my brother…

MW

 

[EucaristiaDiv]

You have been enligtened by God, my friend in Christ. Enlightened by God. We are supposed to be the Holy Spirit’s mouth and ears sometimes, for others to listen to. I’m so glad you heeded the advice. This woman is up to no good. Please don’t let her manipulate you back into the situation. Interesting…she told you she’d show you the divorce papers, but there are none…trust me. She never thought you’d take her up on the offer to show you.

The tangled webs we weave…thankfully, you are getting out of this one. I’m so happy for you–you sound in brighter spirits today.

God bless!!! Stay strong.

Whatevergirl, she even told me to check it online and that she found her divorce papers among other papers she wants to show me. (At what point she told me she doesn’t receive alimony or any money from her rich ex-husband so if I was planning to be with her for the money I was lost) So I don’t know what she was going to bring, we’ll see each other tomorrow so I don’t know if she’ll bring them anyway. But I think it doesn’t matter anymore. I sure don’t want to do it, but I don’t want left overs when I have many other options. Thank you again

 

[whatevergirl]

Whatevergirl, she even told me to check it online and that she found her divorce papers among other papers she wants to show me. (At what point she told me she doesn’t receive alimony or any money from her rich ex-husband so if I was planning to be with her for the money I was lost) So I don’t know what she was going to bring, we’ll see each other tomorrow so I don’t know if she’ll bring them anyway. But I think it doesn’t matter anymore. I sure don’t want to do it, but I don’t want left overs when I have many other options. Thank you again

‘left overs’ ouch…took me a minute to catch your meaning there. lol You know, I feel sadly for her. She is lost. God rejoices when the 1 sheep who left the fold comes back, more than the 99 that didn’t leave the pack. The greatest thing you can do for her…is to pray for her. I will too. I think it’s best to pray for her…from a distance though. lol But, I think she, like us all, are vulnerable to all kinds of sins…hopefully, she will try to find her way back to a relationship with Christ. You’re welcome, and God bless.