Am I being a good boyfriend?

[coolduude]

I’m looking for some insight here.

My girlfriend’s nerves are being frayed because I’m ‘banning’ everything we used to do [with each other]. No, we never had sex. Nothing close. I’m talking about making out, etc. I’m not willing to do that stuff anymore and she’s angry with me over it. She doesn’t understand how it’s a mortal sin (it is, isn’t it?). She can’t see my reasons for stopping all this, even though I’ve tried to explain it.

Basically, am I being too strict by ‘banning’ what we used to do? Should I give in so we can at least make out? Or am I doing the right thing? I need some advice here, please.

Coolduude

 

[kamaan]

This is what I could find:

archive.org/stream/MN5034ucmf_1/MN5034ucmf_1_djvu.txt

Apart from this, kissing and embracing, especially between different sexes, naturally tends to cause venereal excitement, and is more or less sinful. Mortal sin will be committed as a rule by indulging in passionate and prolonged embraces and kisses; otherwise the sin will be only venial. Those who intend marriage and are already engaged to each other have an excuse for showing each other the ordinary signs of affection, but they should use their privilege with due caution and Christian prudence. As a rule, little harm will be done if they have a witness of their conduct, or if they only permit themselves to do what they would do if such a witness were present.

From “A Manual of Moral Theology for English-speaking Countries” by Rev. Thomas Slater, S.J. (1925)

 

[stringbeanduck]

There’s nothing wrong with a few kisses. Passionate kissing which I guess some people would call “making out” isn’t moral outside of marriage though. That includes French kissing or whatever it’s called these days.

 

[Bozola]

Rule of Thumb… do not put yourself in a situation that can lead to something more.
Kissing can lead to other things and if you are not strong enough to end it with a kiss, then… it is best to not put yourself in that situation. You are not being “too strict”.
I can see where she would be upset because she may not be in the same place that you are.
However, God and your soul are more important than anything or anyone else in this world. So keep praying for God’s will and the grace of Chastity and always keep striving towards these goals.
I know exactly what you are going through and it is a hard road, but you can do it. I will keep you in my prayers!!
God Bless

 

[DexUK]

Hmm. Perhaps you need to ask yourself if part of the reason you’re refraining for such activities as were previously commonplace is because you’re not really committed to the relationship? It certainly sounds like you’re running at different speeds here.

You should also remember that what constitutes a sin in these sorts of circumstances is quite subjective. The previous suggestion not to do what you’d be embarrassed to do in the company of, say, your boss seems sensible (I’d say your parents, except most people would probably be acutely embarrassed even just to hold hands with their mother watching!).

So basically, ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship with this girl. If you do, tell her so. If she still insists on intimacy which you are not comfortable with, then perhaps that gives you a clue about how she perceives the nature of the relationship…?

 

[joandarc2008]

I think maybe you also should look at how you are talking to her about it. To say you are “banning.” actvities you used to do in the past shows that you are taking all the control and that shows a relationship that is unequal. Relationships should be about two people talking and reaching moral conclusions and understandings together. Maybe working with her instead of putting her in place may make this an easier road now and in the future.

 

[Irishmom2]

If you have not already, you may want to check out the chastity link (at the top of the page) or see a dvd or read a book by Jason Evert. I can’t say enough about his connection to teens,
Perhaps you will be able to clarify how you feel to your girlfriend when you hear his words.

(I agree with the other poster that the term “banning” may carry an impression of something you are not intending.)

May God bless you and guide you in your quest for a more “wholesome” relationship.

 

[Emily2009]

Now, I agree that you’re probably doing the right thing, but only within reason. If kissing/making out is bringing you to an occasion of sin or a near occasion of sin, then you should, by all means, quit doing it. If you guys can control yourselves, and it doesn’t cause arousal or near arousal, then you may continue. If you feel it is not immoral. Hower, your girlfriend probably just feels like you do not like her anymore. If I remember correctly, you are slightly scrupulous? And if so, then this will be harder, too. My boyfriend had a touch of scrupulousicity…apparently until he quit caring about that. Then he was fine? But you must be careful, it isn’t all about what is wrong, but also what is right.

If you are worried about going too far with the girl, then try to find other ways to make her feel like you care and still love her, if you do. You’re young, too, 16, 17? Are you ready to date, mature enough to be dating? I know you feel like it now, but if you look back on it, will you think that it was too soon for that?

Hugs are good, kisses, if under control are good, too. But you have to be stubborn enough to stop if you need to. And your relationship cannot go all physical, either.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Making out between unmarried people can be a mortal sin and you are correct to want to stop it (when I was at the dating stage I looked into this and I spoke with several good priests on the subject, they all agreed). You are not being scrupulous, you are not being extreme. It has nothing to do with not wanting to commit etc (if anything, it shows you do care about your girlfriend and your relationship). With that said, as you know it might be very difficult for someone who is not familiar with this aspect of chastity/purity to understand why the sudden change, especially if you call it “banning”. Obviously society disagrees, just as there are Catholics who don’t understand it either. I would talk to her, explain it to her. Look for all the resources you can, keep trying to explain, show her you are not trying to control your relationship, but do what is best for both of you. Is she Catholic? Do you know any good Orthodox priest she could talk with on the subject? You can also look for other ways of showing your affection for her as you discern whether marriage is in the future.

 

[Rascalking]

I think maybe you also should look at how you are talking to her about it. To say you are “banning.” actvities you used to do in the past shows that you are taking all the control and that shows a relationship that is unequal. Relationships should be about two people talking and reaching moral conclusions and understandings together. Maybe working with her instead of putting her in place may make this an easier road now and in the future.

Two thumbs up to what Joandarc said.

I’m worried that you used the word, “Banning”. Your not in total control, my friend. It’s a two way street.

I hope it’s just the misuse of a word and not an indication of controlling tendencies…if you think you might have controlling tendencies or something, get yourself to a threapist NOW.

 

[coolduude]

Two thumbs up to what Joandarc said.

I’m worried that you used the word, “Banning”. Your not in total control, my friend. It’s a two way street.

I hope it’s just the misuse of a word and not an indication of controlling tendencies…if you think you might have controlling tendencies or something, get yourself to a threapist NOW.

I’ll reply to the other stuff later, but this is all I have time for now.

I used the word ‘banning’ just to get the point across in this thread. When I actually do talk to her, I say “I don’t want to make out anymore because it’s a mortal sin…”

Another poster asked if she’s Catholic and yes, she is.

Thanks for all the help I’ll get back to the rest later.

 

[StJudePray4Me]

In these times when sex is commonplace and casual, the meaning of things can get a little mixed up.

I think perhaps your girlfriend is not upset because you don’t want to do sexual stuff, but because she interprets it to mean “I don’t love you, or find you attractive, or want to be romantic with you.” She may think you are “letting her down easy” and essentially are planning on dumping her.

Have a long talk with her about your feelings, and the reasons why you wan to avoid these situations. If it is because you love and respect her and see marriage in your future, tell her.

And if you don’t see marriage in your future, and you are “sort-of” breaking up with her – trust me, just break up with her. Cruel to be kind, know what I mean?

 

[beegirl]

my boyfriend and i are in college, and we’ve been dating for almost a year.
like you and you’re girlfriend, we’ve never had sex…we’re both christians and that standard sort of went w/out saying.

There’s nothing wrong with a few kisses. Passionate kissing which I guess some people would call “making out” isn’t moral outside of marriage though. That includes French kissing or whatever it’s called these days.

I would agree with this. My boyfriend and I hold hands…we hug when we see eachother. And when he walks me to my car, we kiss goodnight.

You sound like a responsible guy with the best of intentions. Maybe she takes this abrupt ban as a sign that you really don’t like her? Like others have said, maybe you should just explain the real reason you’re setting these standards: It’s not because you don’t liker her, but because you don’t want to commit a mortal sin, or encourage her to do so. Thats shows you care about her

 

[Chiltepin]

Are you taking care of your soul and her soul? Yes

Are you being a good boyfriend? Kind of but you have work to do… I’ll explain.

The explaining why was important, and you did that, but you mention she is still upset. She likely does not take issue with your reasoning, but more what that does to the relationship in her mind. Physical expressions of love or intimacy, no matter the gravity of them, make people feel closer together and generally feel loved. Your girlfriend has come to expect these things from you (because you were allowing it) and so you must work to find alternate things to do which fill that void for her.

I suppose I did not ask your ages or if you are in love. If you are very young and do not consider this a person you love and consider a married future with, my advice would differ some from what follows. Whatever you feel is still appropriote, you should be sure to do. A kiss on the forehead or the cheek or the hand makes a girl feel loved in a respectful way(I’m a girl by the way.) Looking her in the eyes and telling her you love her, holding her hand, and thoughtful gestures in the way of kind words or anything else that shows her you love her and think of her in a high regard. That wasn’t a real sentence, I am irked at myself but will not change it.

So like I said, amp up the respectful loving gestures. Old timey how to woo a girl stuff.

 

[JimG]

Why don’t you just get married?

 

[coolduude]

Why don’t you just get married?

We’re both way underage and shes not what I’m totally looking for in a marriage partner.

That said, I’m content for the time being so a break up isn’t in the immediate future.

 

[Rence]

We’re both way underage and shes not what I’m totally looking for in a marriage partner.

That said, I’m content for the time being so a break up isn’t in the immediate future.

I’m not trying to be mean, or rude, or disrespectful, but if you arleady know that she’s not what you’re “totally looking for in a marriage partner”, then (and believe me, I don’t mean to be harsh, but… ) you deserve the ‘bad boyfriend of the year award’.

You’re not being a good boyfriend by leading her on. Dating/courting is a precursor, or should lead to marriage. It doesn’t always. But if you already know she’s not what you want in a wife, then it’s time to let her go so she can find someone who will find in her what he wants in a wife. And you need to move on and find that someone who will be your wife.

And if you’re way too young for marriage, then you’re way too young for dating, for reasons above. Marriage is a Sacrament. Dating is a precursor to Marriage. If she’s not “marriage material” for you, then you don’t have any business dating each other. What are you doing with her if she’s not marriage material? And absolutely don’t touch her. Why not just be honest with her and be friends and hang out without the boyfriend/girlfriend distinction?

And …

** I’m content for the time being so a break up isn’t in the immediate future**

Uhm, where did THAT come from? YOU are content FOR THE TIME BEING? What about her? Again, I don’t mean to be harsh, but this is the perfect road to selfishness. Do something for HER and let her go so she can find someone else who won’t lead her to sin, and who will take her seriously.

 

[Chiltepin]

I’m not trying to be mean, or rude, or disrespectful, but if you arleady know that she’s not what you’re “totally looking for in a marriage partner”, then (and believe me, I don’t mean to be harsh, but… ) you deserve the ‘bad boyfriend of the year award’.

This. Very much this.

To the OP: How young are you, if you don’t mind my asking? This will help shape our advice to you.

 

[coolduude]

This. Very much this.

To the OP: How young are you, if you don’t mind my asking? This will help shape our advice to you.

I really don’t like giving my age out, but I suppose I will… 17.

 

[Chiltepin]

I really don’t like giving my age out, but I suppose I will… 17.

Understandable. Thank you for doing so.

So you are presumably a junior or senior in high school and dating is the norm in mainstrain culture at that age, while marriage clearly is not.

You have taken some steps in your faith life to cut out things you are realizing are sinful. This is good. A further expansion would be to begin to evaluate what marriage means to you, and what you think you want in a spouse. Those things will likely change a lot and I think you know that, by admitting that you are too young for marriage. Outside of those things, begin to study the Church’s meaning of marriage and meaning of a vocation.

As a previous poster suggested, be this girl’s friend. Be honest with her. You can discuss marriage as part of the reason and she may have some perspectives you did not expect from her. Breakups can be messy, but if you care about her you should atleast discuss those things that give you doubts about a real future together and consider ending it to save a friendship.