Am I being a good boyfriend?

[JimG]

Dating is a discernment process for a marriage partner. If you don’t plan on marrying in the near future, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Friends, yes. Boyfriend, no. And both parties need to be aware of that.

And if she’s got no plans for marrying you, why does she want to make out with you? Never mind, I already know–it’s just for fun. She wants to use you.

 

[coolduude]

Dating is a discernment process for a marriage partner. If you don’t plan on marrying in the near future, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Friends, yes. Boyfriend, no. And both parties need to be aware of that.

And if she’s got no plans for marrying you, why does she want to make out with you? Never mind, I already know–it’s just for fun. She wants to use you.

Assumptions, assumptions

 

[JimG]

Assumptions, assumptions

Yes, I made some assumptions, which may be wrong assumptions. You’ll have to decide the purpose of dating her, if not for marriage. And she’ll have to decide the purpose of dating you.

 

[coolduude]

Understandable. Thank you for doing so.

So you are presumably a junior or senior in high school and dating is the norm in mainstrain culture at that age, while marriage clearly is not.

You have taken some steps in your faith life to cut out things you are realizing are sinful. This is good. A further expansion would be to begin to evaluate what marriage means to you, and what you think you want in a spouse. Those things will likely change a lot and I think you know that, by admitting that you are too young for marriage. Outside of those things, begin to study the Church’s meaning of marriage and meaning of a vocation.

As a previous poster suggested, be this girl’s friend. Be honest with her. You can discuss marriage as part of the reason and she may have some perspectives you did not expect from her. Breakups can be messy, but if you care about her you should atleast discuss those things that give you doubts about a real future together and consider ending it to save a friendship.

Thank you for the charitable response.

I suppose I’ll play around with the idea of breaking up to remain friends, but if she doesn’t understand why we can’t make out, how will she understand that we’re breaking up for marriage? I’m not sure I fully understand it.

I also want to say/ask, is someone not supposed date until they’re of marriage age? Doesn’t that sound… unrealistic? That’s how it sounds to me, anyway, and I probably represent what my age group thinks, if they care about this at all.

 

[Rence]

I also want to say/ask, is someone not supposed date until they’re of marriage age? Doesn’t that sound… unrealistic? That’s how it sounds to me, anyway, and I probably represent what my age group thinks, if they care about this at all.

That’s correct. You’re not supposed to date until you’re looking for a marriage partner. It’s not unrealistic because dating is for the purpose of preparation for marriage, at least for Catholics.

 

[Chiltepin]

Thank you for the charitable response.

I suppose I’ll play around with the idea of breaking up to remain friends, but if she doesn’t understand why we can’t make out, how will she understand that we’re breaking up for marriage? I’m not sure I fully understand it.

I also want to say/ask, is someone not supposed date until they’re of marriage age? Doesn’t that sound… unrealistic? That’s how it sounds to me, anyway, and I probably represent what my age group thinks, if they care about this at all.

I see what you mean about unrealistic within the framework of how people in our culture date, or dont date (lets face it a lot people your age don’t go on dates, maybe not you).

I know that I felt a little bit that way in college. I stayed in a relationship for a long time because I felt too young to marry him and then was occasionally bombarded with ideas about why even date. But… I also broke up with people I could not see myself marrying. It does not mean you have to know deep down she is the right one forever and ever at your young age (I’m 24, just to put all the cards out on the table, and I hope I don’t sound like I am talking down to you because I think your committment to reforming your chastity shows great maturity.)

At your age you get to date to find out some of the qualities you will want in a spouse, It does not have to be settle down, buy some land, raise some kids at 17, but your post made it sound like you absolutely would not marry this girl. People have responded to that about your posting because honestly that sticks out.

The question becomes, why is she not marriage material to you? Is it because you are 17 and she is 17 and you don’t know what type of woman she is going to become in the coming years (a reasonable concern) or is there something about her that disqualifies her? You have made it sound in your previous post that some qualities disqualify her but she is good enough for now. If that is the case, you are stringing her along, even if she has no marriage aspirations with you either, you are intensifying future hurt by prolonging a relationship with no percievable future to you.

 

[WetCatechumen]

This is so incredibly frustrating for me as well. Both women I’ve been in relationships with have wanted to make out, and I’ve been, well, reticent for the most part and accepting. Now, obviously to some degree with both of them it has been sinful, although I’ve tried to limit it.

Both the women I’ve been in relationships with have been the sexual aggressors. Good, Christian, virgin women. However, for whatever reason, I’m irresistable. I’m perfectly happy waiting until marriage to kiss. I found out that the daughter of a priest I know is into that (she’s orthodox), but sadly, there are few Catholic women willing to do that.

And most of the Christian women who want to wait until marriage to kiss are insane. I’ve just noticed this. And none of them come through on the promise, except the really insane ones.

So, yes, you’re being a good boyfriend. I hate it because there’s like this twist and pull to relationships when it comes to the physical. If the woman isn’t getting enough she feels like she isn’t cared about by the guy, and guys try to push women beyond the limits that they want because they want physical pleasure. When the guy isn’t seeking his own physical pleasure in the relationship, a hammer is thrown in and suddenly the woman becomes the sexual aggressor. It’s a really annoying position to be in.

As for what everyone else says - if you’re not in a position to marry the girl at the end of the thing, avoid the relationship. If she is awesome and worth it, go for it. If she doesn’t want to marry you, or possibly marry you, avoid her like the plague.

Dating is a discernment process for a marriage partner. If you don’t plan on marrying in the near future, you probably shouldn’t be dating. Friends, yes. Boyfriend, no. And both parties need to be aware of that.

And if she’s got no plans for marrying you, why does she want to make out with you? Never mind, I already know–it’s just for fun. She wants to use you.

My ex-girlfriend is a virgin, orthodox Catholic woman. She’s very intelligent, loves Jesus, goes to Mass, prays, against contraception, etc. She also found me very attractive and dated me during a spiritually hard time in my life and I found peace through the Catholic Faith which she shared with me.

However, for the two months that we dated, she was fooling herself into thinking that our dating relationship was open to marriage. If she had really looked deep down, I’m sure she would have realized that she was only going to dump me at the end of the summer. I was totally open to marriage. I thought she was awesome.

It just amazes me that women are the sexual aggressors in relationships these days. I was the one not putting out in that relationship (no, not actual sex, in case you didn’t read my post - not even mutual masturbation). I’m just so incredibly sick of it.

That is what contraception has done to our society.

 

[Rence]

This is so incredibly frustrating for me as well. Both women I’ve been in relationships with have wanted to make out, and I’ve been, well, reticent for the most part and accepting. Now, obviously to some degree with both of them it has been sinful, although I’ve tried to limit it.

Both the women I’ve been in relationships with have been the sexual aggressors. Good, Christian, virgin women. However, for whatever reason, I’m irresistable. I’m perfectly happy waiting until marriage to kiss. I found out that the daughter of a priest I know is into that (she’s orthodox), but sadly, there are few Catholic women willing to do that.

And most of the Christian women who want to wait until marriage to kiss are insane. I’ve just noticed this. And none of them come through on the promise, except the really insane ones.

So, yes, you’re being a good boyfriend. I hate it because there’s like this twist and pull to relationships when it comes to the physical. If the woman isn’t getting enough she feels like she isn’t cared about by the guy, and guys try to push women beyond the limits that they want because they want physical pleasure. When the guy isn’t seeking his own physical pleasure in the relationship, a hammer is thrown in and suddenly the woman becomes the sexual aggressor. It’s a really annoying position to be in.

Personally, I don’t believe that it is realistic to hold off on any kissing or making out until marriage. The important thing is that you stop before it leads to sin. We stopped. There were no questions about whether or not sex or petting or other inappropriate activites would happen, it just would NOT happen. But, I can’t even imagine marrying someone that I have not even kissed. So, IMOHO it is not realistic to think you can date someone, be engaged and get married without ever having kissed or making out. But I guess stranger things have happened.

I’m wondering if you young people are confusing “boy/girlfriend” with “pal”. If the OP is hanging out with this girl, doesn’t want to even kiss her, and knows that she isn’t marriage material, it sounds like he is looking for a friend, not a girlfriend. And it’s healthy to have friends of the opposite sex, but it’s imporant that both know that the relationship will not go beyond “friends”.

The point of dating is to look for a spouse and prepare for marriage. If one of them already knows that the relationship is not going to lead to marriage, the relationship has to be changed so that they are only friends.

 

[Lief_Erikson]

This has been an interesting thread, with interesting comments.

I hate it because there’s like this twist and pull to relationships when it comes to the physical. If the woman isn’t getting enough she feels like she isn’t cared about by the guy, and guys try to push women beyond the limits that they want because they want physical pleasure. When the guy isn’t seeking his own physical pleasure in the relationship, a hammer is thrown in and suddenly the woman becomes the sexual aggressor. It’s a really annoying position to be in.

All of this is selfishness, whether from the guy or the girl. Love should be sacrificial.

I wish young people (just speaking generally here, certainly not of everyone) in our schools could see the selfishness in putting this kind of pressure on those they supposedly care for.

 

[kittycatmeow]

Aw, I think what you’re doing is absolutely precious.
I have tried to stop “making out” with my boyfriend too.
I feel wrong doing it. Something tells me I shouldn’t be doing it… At least not until I’m married.

 

[Tide210]

What do you want out of this relationship? You stated you don’t want to get married, yet you’re “banning” her. Like someone else said, it’s a two-way street. How would you feel if she banned you from looking at her.

You are young, man. This is your primetime TO make-out and do all those things. Get it out of your system while you still can.

 

[Lief_Erikson]

What do you want out of this relationship? You stated you don’t want to get married, yet you’re “banning” her. Like someone else said, it’s a two-way street. How would you feel if she banned you from looking at her.

Intimate kissing between unmarried persons can create impure thoughts; it’s an occasion for sin. Looking at someone often isn’t, though if it is, then that too should be avoided. This has nothing to do with arbitrary restrictiveness. It’s about doing the right thing, for her and for him. And if he’s not planning to marry her, that in particular is a good reason to avoid intimate kissing.

coolduude is behaving in a generous-hearted way, putting his own desires second and the will of God, as well as what is best for his girlfriend, first. I know you don’t mean it, but it’s poor of you to put him down for trying (successfully, according to Catholic teaching) to do the right thing.