Am I being a wrong in being upset with my wife?

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Shellac

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My wife and I have been together some 7 years this July. We have 3 children ages 6, 5, and 2. We are also going threw some rough times in our marrage now. Lack of money casses lots of stress. 😦

The 14th is my wifes 30 birthday. We are cellabrating this tomorrow at her parents house along with my oldest girls 5th birthday. She turns 5 on the friday. The plain was for us to get up at 8am so as to make it on time for 930am mass w/ here famly. We will spend the day there.

Last night ( the 12th ), my wife asked if she could go out with her friend Ammy. Ammy is a nice lady but is unmarred and she is not a Catholic or a christion. Just a nice lady of (28??) who my wife went to HS with and has been friends for a long time. Althow I just came back from my six day of work I said ok. Like I say we are poor I have no gift to give my wife so I can at lest wach the kids while she gos and has fun.

Now she left a 6pm (??) to meet with Ammy too go see morrtercross races. She got home after 300am. My day normaly starts at 200am. So I was up. Althow I was not worred for her safety I was upset. My wife loves to sleep in whin she can and hates to get up. So I thought it kinda dumb for her to do this to herself. So I did not greet my wife witha smile or ask did you have fun whin she got back. 😦 I was more "like a woman " as my wife would say and gave her a cold sholder whin she got in.

Now my wife tells me she called and lift a missage. That she and some friends of Ammys went out after the racetrack. The friends are more Ammy’s. Mostly ladyes with their boyfriends/husbands < not shure > . Thay went out to a small bar which my wife says is more like a pub. You know not a hot pickup point. More older folks ect. Ammy wishing my wife well, got her drunk. ( My wifes words). so she would dance and have fun. If she was late it was because she and Ammy had to sober up.

Now my wife thinks I have no right to be upset. I told her that I think that what she did was inappropriate for a married person to do. To go to a bar :confused: To got dunk at that bar as a wife of three… :tsktsk: .

So am I beeing a killjoy for being upset with my wife? :confused:
 
I was hopeing someone wrote something. I need to get my famly up in 40min. If I need to apolagise to my wife for bing a jerk I’d like to know. :coffee:
 
Shellac:

Were you right to be upset? It looks that way, given the facts as you list them.

Was it right to give your wife the cold shoulder? No. That kind of thing doesn’t do any good.

I think you two need to talk. You should apologize for the cold shoulder, but you also should say that, even though it was wrong, you had a good reason for it: Your wife shouldn’t have been out so late and shouldn’t have been drinking like that at a bar.

Don’t be accusatory. Just lay out the situation as you see it. Say that you see that the two of you have some problems and that you want to work things out.

See if she would be willing to get some counseling with you. You can get a referral from your parish priest. The cost should be just about zero. If there is a small cost, it’s far less than the value of your marriage.
 
Does your wife stay home with the kids all day? What does she do for a break? How are you involved with the kids? What do you do together that is fun?

Sounds like there is much more than just a night out. You need to talk and get to the underlying reason. Try to look at things from her view point and let her know how you see things and how you felt. Ask her if she thinks you need to apologize and why.

Look at all of your blessings and start to concentrate on them instead of the downfalls. Look for all the good in your wife and let her know. She will react accordingly. Thank God for your financial troubles and ask him to help you through them.
 
As you probably know, Satan is trying especially to attack women-the heart of the family, in order to destroy the family. As a wife & mother myself, I find so many temptations pop into my head and stew in there if I’m not on guard.
I would encourage you to double your efforts to imitate Christ-the New Adam. Whereas the first Adam abandoned his wife, Eve, to Satan’s influence, Christ basically said to Satan “You cannot have my bride (the Church)!” and died for her in order to purify her.
Be gentle and persistant in your love for your wife. Perhaps make some daily sacrifice to further her sanctification.

Good luck and many prayers.
 
My husband and I were having troubles all through last year. We attended a Retrouvaille weekend in March, attended the post sessions and are now really working on our marriage. Its still not easy, but Retrouvaille has given us the tools we need to communicate better. Retrouvaille never turns a couple away for lack of money etc. It is basically a marriage encounter for marriages that are struggling or in trouble. You can get in touch with someone in your area through

www.retrouvaille.org

You and your wife need to start communicating your needs to each other. Like I said, things still are difficult, but we have hope for our future now.

You are in my prayers, God Bless
 
If it was just a night out and it was her birthday, why be upset? Mayeb she did get carried away but don’t we all? At least she was kind enough to sober up before coming home. To me, this shows that she respects your opinion of her and respects you. The question is though, does she do this very often? Does she get drunk regularily? If yes, you havea problem you need to work out. If no, then don’t worry about it. Everyone breaks and gives in to temptation once in a while. If they didn’t, we wouldn’t need confession.
 
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Shellac:
My wife and I have been together some 7 years this July. We have 3 children ages 6, 5, and 2. We are also going threw some rough times in our marrage now. Lack of money casses lots of stress. 😦

The 14th is my wifes 30 birthday. We are cellabrating this tomorrow at her parents house along with my oldest girls 5th birthday. She turns 5 on the friday. The plain was for us to get up at 8am so as to make it on time for 930am mass w/ here famly. We will spend the day there.

Last night ( the 12th ), my wife asked if she could go out with her friend Ammy. Ammy is a nice lady but is unmarred and she is not a Catholic or a christion. Just a nice lady of (28??) who my wife went to HS with and has been friends for a long time. Althow I just came back from my six day of work I said ok. Like I say we are poor I have no gift to give my wife so I can at lest wach the kids while she gos and has fun.

Now she left a 6pm (??) to meet with Ammy too go see morrtercross races. She got home after 300am. My day normaly starts at 200am. So I was up. Althow I was not worred for her safety I was upset. My wife loves to sleep in whin she can and hates to get up. So I thought it kinda dumb for her to do this to herself. So I did not greet my wife witha smile or ask did you have fun whin she got back. 😦 I was more "like a woman " as my wife would say and gave her a cold sholder whin she got in.

Now my wife tells me she called and lift a missage. That she and some friends of Ammys went out after the racetrack. The friends are more Ammy’s. Mostly ladyes with their boyfriends/husbands < not shure > . Thay went out to a small bar which my wife says is more like a pub. You know not a hot pickup point. More older folks ect. Ammy wishing my wife well, got her drunk. ( My wifes words). so she would dance and have fun. If she was late it was because she and Ammy had to sober up.

Now my wife thinks I have no right to be upset. I told her that I think that what she did was inappropriate for a married person to do. To go to a bar :confused: To got dunk at that bar as a wife of three… :tsktsk: .

So am I beeing a killjoy for being upset with my wife? :confused:
  1. Would I have a problem with my wife going to a pub to celebrate her birthday…a girls night out? No.
  2. Would I have a problem with my wife stumbling in drunk…then the next day not taking any responsibility and saying that her friend got her drunk? Yes. She’s pointing fingers. It puts her at great risk…ie being taken advantage of, etc.
  3. If she called and left a message…the message should have been there.
  4. You were up…getting ready for work…she came in drunk…slept in…so, if the kids needed anything in the middle of the night…she would have been inebriated?
Conclusion: I could be wrong…but I sense distrust within this relationship…something must have happened in the past to cause this. Karl is right…counseling would be good.
 
“The friends are more Ammy’s. Mostly ladyes with their boyfriends/husbands < not shure > .”

Also…if this was the case…why didn’t your wife tell you ahead of time…so you could find a babysitter for your kids…and then you two could have attended as a couple? At least for part of the night?
 
why does your wife have to ask your permission to go out with her friends? why don’t you both have regular time to get away from the house and kids, and why aren’t you both maintaining friendships of your own, as well as couple and family friends? has she ever given you a reason not to trust her? have you ever given her reason not to trust you? when you are home taking care of the kids, you are not babysitting, you are parenting. why should you resent it? yes, you should both have the courtesey to make plans consulting each other, but if you don’t both make time for yourselves, your friends and your own interests you are going to be in trouble down the road. going to have a meal in a place that serves alcohol is not by itself wrong for a married person, and having a couple of drinks is okay if you are not driving. what did she mean by “having fun?” as long as it did not involve dancing or flirting with other men, what is the problem? how do you have fun when you are out with the guys?
 
I am a 32yo mother of six with seven on the way and I rarely do anything by myself. But if I do, I certainly would not behave in such an irresponsible way. I have no problem asking my husband’s permission to go out because I agreed to honor and **obey **when we married. He asks my permission before he goes out too. Most often, my husband is simply concerned for my safety and I don’t resent him for that. I am a small, pregnant, woman and let’s face it, we don’t live in the safest world.

Anyway, my primary point is this: I think that your wife’s behavior was immature and irresponsible. She’s not single any more so she shouldn’t behave as though she were. I don’t see any problem with her going out with her friend, but was very inconsiderate of her to come home so late, especially after being at a bar. That is no place for a married woman to be without her spouse! Wouldn’t she have been angry if you had done the same?
 
My husband doesn’t mind when I go for Girls Night Out. He wouldn’t be jazzed if I came home at 3am, but it just sounds like she was being a little “wild” for her 30th birthday. If this were our relationship, we wouldn’t be making a big deal out of it. But I would be expected to give a good explanation for the late hour. As long as there were no men involved, and it sounds like this NEVER happens otherwise, then I think you should just let it go.
 
Would she have been upset if the shoe were on the other foot? I’m sure she knows what being married is all about.
 
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Shellac:
So am I beeing a killjoy for being upset with my wife? :confused:
Rule #1: If you get upset, you get upset. Those are your feelings, and you really should not put them in a sock and hope they go away. Let her reproach you for how you handled them, let her insist that your feelings are yours to deal with, but don’t let her tell you how you’re supposed to feel.

It was her choice to get drunk, so no blaming her friend. You have every right to have a problem with that. I think all but the most laid-back spouses would have blown a gasket in some manner, under the same circumstances.

The silent treatment was something you can apologize for with qualification (if true), as in: I know I should have said something, I did want you to have a good time, but I was still very upset about how late you were and how much you had had to drink. I didn’t want to say something I would regret later. (If you were just punishing her, though, Mr. Passive-Aggressive, cop to it!)

IMHO, she was irresponsible with your feelings. That she thinks she has some “right” to do that is a bit strange to me. I’m thinking she ought to express regret, if not contrition, as in “I’m sorry, if I knew it was going to upset you, I wouldn’t have done it.” After all, this is a disagreement about what reasonable boundaries are. Short of abuse, abandonment, or the like, this is for the two of you to decide.
 
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