Am I being overly sensitive?

[Galnextdoor]

After I left my husband who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my sister moved in with him. (The relationship was strictly platonic, she shopped and cooked for him.) I tried to talk to my sister because I was hurt, but she wouldn’t return my calls. My mother said I had no right to feel hurt. I prayed for my sister, and I still pray for her, but she has turned my family against me. I was not invited to Thanksgiving dinner this year, but my former husband was. My daughter says I’m being overly sensitive. My mother pretends that there isn’t going to be a family gathering this year, but my daughter heard my brother invite her father. I have another sister who has been ostracized by the family so I asked her if I could have Thanksgiving with her. (I just didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving alone.) She understood and told me to come to her house. (She is not invited to family gatherings either.)

My former husband told my family that I didn’t want to be married anymore, but he and I are still good friends.

I tried to tell my family that he and I are not good friends. I left him because he has been verbally abusive and asking me to leave him for the last 12 years. He didn’t want to be married anymore. He said he didn’t want any responsibilities. I took the car, the beds and our children. (He was not interested in the youngest and the other will be 17 in two weeks.)

I explained some of the stuff that had been going on to my family, but my sister, who has been living at the house with my former husband, has told everyone that I am a liar. I think I am going to end up being officially ostracized from the family like my other sister.

I am a quiet, soft spoken person. I usually keep my opinions to myself, no matter how much I want to say something. I don’t gossip and try not to criticize people. I go to mass three times a week, but I’m still hurt. I pray for my family. I offer my hurt feelings for the souls in purgatory. I’m trying not to be overly sensitive. I know I shouldn’t let these things bother me. I have asked God to help me forgive and forget, but I’m having trouble getting over it. I don’t want anyone to be hateful to my former husband, because it’s not his fault that he’s not capable of loving anyone. However, I still feel hurt that he is invited, and I’m not.

My former husband is vivacious and funny. He is very charismatic and draws people to him like metal to a magnet. He’s extremely talented and very nice looking.

Please forgive me for having this little pity party for myself, but I really do want to get over this. I guess I’m just too sensitive.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Any suggestions on how I can stop being so sensitive?

 

[Eucharisted]

Have you talked to a priest?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

**Honestly, I don’t think you’re being too sensitive at all. I think you are putting a lot of the blame on yourself and trying to rationalize irrational behavior (on the part of your “family”).

They are treating you like dirt. It is not being over-sensitive to have that HURT. But you have to realize that this is how they are and you can’t change them. I think spending so much time in an abusive relationship has left you beyond wounded and it is time to heal. Are you getting any counselling?

But if I were you I would work on letting go of the hurt and getting angry. You need to know it’s ok to be really fuming mad right now!!! Your husband treated you like garbage and now your family likes him more than you. That is AWFUL!!!

So, for the sake of yourself and your daughter, get some help. Get healed, and be an example to your little girl so she doesn’t go through life having people treat her like dirt and spend time blaming herself.

You are not oversensitive, you are just surrounded by not very nice people. I am really trying to censor myself here but I am outraged right now at how you are being treated and how you don’t feel entitled to your own feelings. Don’t try to wish them away…let them be a catalyst to action!**

 

[jmcrae]

Any suggestions on how I can stop being so sensitive?

Not really, no.

I think the key to it is just to realize that ultimately, we are all, all of us, alone, except for the presence of Jesus Christ in the Eucharist. Which I know doesn’t take the pain away.

One option might be to lash out at them and let them know that you are hurt by their inconsiderate behaviour. I don’t know whether that would do anything useful - you never know, though; it might get them to stop and think.

If it were me, I’d at least want them to know that I wasn’t fooled by their attempts to trick you.

 

[Galnextdoor]

I talked to a priest. The priest told me to keep doing what I’m doing. The priest also said I should keep hoping and praying that my former husband will change his mind and love me again.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I talked to a priest. The priest told me to keep doing what I’m doing. The priest also said I should keep hoping and praying that my former husband will change his mind and love me again.

See another priest. Better yet find the best Catholic counselor you can. Your husband is not going to “change his mind” because it was never a choice in the first place. If he has NPD, that is who and how he is. Please get some real help.

And don’t be a doormat to your family. I’d say good riddance and then get real close to your other sister…she knows what you’re going through!

 

[jacie]

Holy Cow! How can you even think you are being OVERLY sensitive? Your family sounds like quite the overly INsensitive bunch. Is it just Thanksgiving they are excluding you from, or do you see them on any other occasions? How far away do they live?

If they have bought into your ex and your sister hook, line and sinker, and are not even interested in your side of the story, it sounds to me like you need to start planning the rest of your life without them. You obviously cannot rely on them, and you need to start establishing other relationships with people you can depend on. At leastl you have your children. Why hasn’t he been able to turn them against you?

I’m not saying I agree with your decision to divorce, but I know how difficult a relationship with a person like that can be. My brother married a woman who meets a lot of the criteria for NPD, and he’s still hanging in there after 26 years. It hasn’t been easy, but at least she has made some attempts at counseling and going on retreats, etc. Unfortunately, their oldest son has some of the same personality tendencies.

You say you are softspoken and easy going. Are you also a bit of a doormat? Have you been afraid to stand up for yourself to your family? What does your other sister think, the one they ostracized? Is she a good person for you to spend time with, or does she have her share of baggage? You need a support system - what about friends? Have you joined any organizations at your parish, gotten involved at school? Don’t sit around waiting for your family to come back to you - even if they do, they have shown they can’t be relied on. You need to make an emotional break and build some better, more stable relationships.

And PS, newsflash- your sister and your ex are not living together platonically. Remove the blindfold, as much as you want to believe that. Sorry to be so blunt, but you sound like a sweet person who probably gets taken advantage of.

 

[Galnextdoor]

**

But if I were you I would work on letting go of the hurt and getting angry. You need to know it’s ok to be really fuming mad right now!!! **

I’m trying to let go of the hurt, but being angry wont solve anything. I would just have to go to confession for dishonoring my parents.
I feel a little guilty about even talking about how hurt I am. I feel like I am being disloyal to my parents and brothers and sisters.

What I want to do is get over being hurt. The hurt might cause a wedge between me and my family and then I will be permanently ostracized by them.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m trying to let go of the hurt, but being angry wont solve anything. I would just have to go to confession for dishonoring my parents.
I feel a little guilty about even talking about how hurt I am. I feel like I am being disloyal to my parents and brothers and sisters.

What I want to do is get over being hurt. The hurt might cause a wedge between me and my family and then I will be permanently ostracized by them.

Do whatever you think is best - it’s your life, after all.

But if it were me, I wouldn’t even want to spend time with people who hurt me like that. I just wouldn’t - I’d move on and hang out with someone else, instead. I don’t think I’d be particularly worried about being “ostracized” by people who sneak around behind my back to not invite me for Thanksgiving. What are you going to miss out on - being insulted to your face?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I’m trying to let go of the hurt, but being angry wont solve anything.

No but being angry…RIGHTEOUS anger is ok… can be a catalyst to change. And the change could most definitely solve things.

I would just have to go to confession for dishonoring my parents.
**
Sorry, but you don’t have to go to confession for a feeling. It is how that feeling makes you act that could either bring you closer to holiness or send you running to confession. Feelings are morally neutral. And anger is not evil.**

Now, could someone please explain the “honor your father and mother” commandment? I am afraid I won’t do it justice, but I KNOW it is not meant to keep adult children as doormats to their parents. Even minor children do not have to obey their parents/honor them if they are immoral.

I feel a little guilty about even talking about how hurt I am. I feel like I am being disloyal to my parents and brothers and sisters.
**
And that my dear is why you need counselling. You have it all backwards. THEY are being disloyal to YOU. The sooner you see that the sooner you can become the strong woman and mother God made you to be.**

What I want to do is get over being hurt. The hurt might cause a wedge between me and my family and then I will be permanently ostracized by them.

The hurt is not causing a wedge, their disgusting behavior is. THEY are causing this, not YOU. I know I can say this for hours upon hours and it won’t even register, but I beg you to get some good Catholic couselling because this is not right. You don’t need to feel this way. You need to get back your God given dignity and start acting like you have value and worth because you are you, not because someone likes or includes you in things.

 

[MamaZona]

After I left my husband who had Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my sister moved in with him. (The relationship was strictly platonic, she shopped and cooked for him.) I tried to talk to my sister because I was hurt, but she wouldn’t return my calls. My mother said I had no right to feel hurt. I prayed for my sister, and I still pray for her, but she has turned my family against me. I was not invited to Thanksgiving dinner this year, but my former husband was. My daughter says I’m being overly sensitive. My mother pretends that there isn’t going to be a family gathering this year, but my daughter heard my brother invite her father. I have another sister who has been ostracized by the family so I asked her if I could have Thanksgiving with her. (I just didn’t want to spend Thanksgiving alone.) She understood and told me to come to her house. (She is not invited to family gatherings either.)

My former husband told my family that I didn’t want to be married anymore, but he and I are still good friends.

I tried to tell my family that he and I are not good friends. I left him because he has been verbally abusive and asking me to leave him for the last 12 years. He didn’t want to be married anymore. He said he didn’t want any responsibilities. I took the car, the beds and our children. (He was not interested in the youngest and the other will be 17 in two weeks.)

I explained some of the stuff that had been going on to my family, but my sister, who has been living at the house with my former husband, has told everyone that I am a liar. I think I am going to end up being officially ostracized from the family like my other sister.

I am a quiet, soft spoken person. I usually keep my opinions to myself, no matter how much I want to say something. I don’t gossip and try not to criticize people. I go to mass three times a week, but I’m still hurt. I pray for my family. I offer my hurt feelings for the souls in purgatory. I’m trying not to be overly sensitive. I know I shouldn’t let these things bother me. I have asked God to help me forgive and forget, but I’m having trouble getting over it. I don’t want anyone to be hateful to my former husband, because it’s not his fault that he’s not capable of loving anyone. However, I still feel hurt that he is invited, and I’m not.

My former husband is vivacious and funny. He is very charismatic and draws people to him like metal to a magnet. He’s extremely talented and very nice looking.

Please forgive me for having this little pity party for myself, but I really do want to get over this. I guess I’m just too sensitive.

Nope, you’re not being sensitive. None of my “family of origin” will be meeting up over the holiday and I haven’t seen my dad in ten years. So, I sympathize with your sense of loss.

Try not to let it get you down, as much as possible, though. I probably won’t see my extended family on Christmas, either.

To “make up for it” I’ve thrown 100% of my efforts into stuff for my church and volunteering. There are people out there who need your time and will appreciate it. As for the others pray for them and see it as their loss, because it is

 

[IrishAm]

No, you are not being overly sensitive.

Sounds to me that, for possibly the first time, you are claiming your rights and dignity as a child of God – and there are people in your life who are not accustomed to that. Let them get used to it.

Go to the sister who supports you – and enjoy her company as Mary and Elizabeth enjoyed one another when the pregnant Virgin went to support the aging mother-to-be. Laugh and share and love the fellowship that each of you offers one another.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Buy a bullhorn and shout it out on the front lawn at Thanksgiving

“This guy treated me like hell – and here he sits in MY family’s house on Thanksgiving. Just thought you ought to know – enjoy your turkey!”

Why would this work and not have you institutionalized? Because they don’t expect it.

Well OK I am living in silly movie script land and you wont do it.

But are you being overly sensitive or ridiculous? No you aren’t.

You SHOULD be furious, and you should have put your foot down about your sis being there AT ALL. It’s inappropriate no matter what. Period. But that’s in the past.

Don’t you take this nonsense lying down though. FIGHT HIM and his manipulations.

Quit being quiet and SPEAK UP.

 

[VivienneJ]

Galnextdoor, yet again I read a post of yours and feel you are walking in shoes I once wore.

I can only echo that you are not being oversensitive, you have got a very raw deal from a large chunk of your family who should be supporting you.

It took me years to get up from my door mat position and believe that “I am who I am supposed to be” and stop trying to please those who would never be pleased by my actions.

It hurts to be left out of a family celebration like Thanksgiving, but, wise woman, you have arranged to join your sensible sister. Build your relationship with her and have a lovely Thanksgiving with her.

A priest once advised me about getting rid of this sort of angry, hurt feeling. Write a letter to your family telling them exactly how you feel, how their actions have hurt you, spare no one’s feelings, let it all out … then burn the letter. As the words go up in flames you will feel cleansed.

 

[jhblack]

Looking from an objective point, I believe anger is an appropriate emotion here. Correct me if I am wrong, but did not Jesus get angry as well? Prayer for your family and your husband is very good, and I would recommend you continue to do it. On the other hand, I agree with the other person who said you need to be a proper example for your daughter. It does not seem like you are the type of person who would make a rash decision to leave, so if you truly feel this is right, let your children know why. Man and woman were created to be equal partners and through redemption from Our Lord and Savior it seems that is the role we must all play again. If you feel there is no way for the two of you to participate in your roles in marriage, I would say you are called to the single life or you may be eligible for an anulment. Given the circumstances of your husband’s disorder, the anulment may be the appropriate route. I do warn, however, that re-marriage is often very, very hard on children so be careful.

God bless. you are in my prayers.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Okay. If I am a doormat, which was one of my former husband’s favorite words for me, how do I incorporate I Corinthians 13:4-7 into my relationship with others.

Love is patient, is kind; love does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

We are supposed to love one another as Christ has loved us. We are also supposed to love thy neighbor as thy self.

How does this fit into my relationship with my family and my former husband?

P.S. Even if I could afford a Catholic counselor, the closest one is 65 miles away.

P.P.S. I try never to say anything critical about the children’s father to my daughter and son. I think they are entitled to love their father without having to worry about divided loyalties. (It’s true that he does some really bad things, but I don’t think they need to know that.)

 

[VivienneJ]

Okay. If I am a doormat, which was one of my former husband’s favorite words for me, how do I incorporate I Corinthians 13:4-7 into my relationship with others.

Love is patient, is kind; love does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

We are supposed to love one another as Christ has loved us. We are also supposed to love thy neighbor as thy self.

How does this fit into my relationship with my family and my former husband?

P.S. Even if I could afford a Catholic counselor, the closest one is 65 miles away.

P.P.S. I try never to say anything critical about the children’s father to my daughter and son. I think they are entitled to love their father without having to worry about divided loyalties. (It’s true that he does some really bad things, but I don’t think they need to know that.)

Galnextdoor, you’re doing well with your kids, allowing them to love their dad without your criticisms influencing them.

I spent years doing everything I could to please my parents so that they would love me unconditionally, until I realised they would never be able to do that and that the problem lay with them, not me. Rather like the way yours have chosen your husband’s warped reality over your tough times.

Now, “love one another as Christ has loved us” - would He ban you from family Thanksgiving?

And “love our neighbour as ourselves”. A priest said to me that you must love yourself before you can love your neighbour as yourself. Well, if a friend of yours was in your exact situation, would you say “Oh, don’t be hurt and angry, you’re being too sensitive” I somehow doubt it, you’d be filled with righteous indignation at her family’s behaviour.

Allow yourself to feel hurt. Bond with your similarly ostracised sister and let her counsel you - she understands the family dynamics better than any of us here. Love your family, but that does not mean let them kick you around till you feel so battered and bruised. Remember you are God’s precious child and He knows just how worthwhile you are, trust Him and build yourself up as you would a friend in the same situation.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

And “love our neighbour as ourselves”. A priest said to me that you must love yourself before you can love your neighbour as yourself. Well, if a friend of yours was in your exact situation, would you say “Oh, don’t be hurt and angry, you’re being too sensitive” I somehow doubt it, you’d be filled with righteous indignation at her family’s behaviour.

**Yes!!! That is what I was trying to get at!

What advice would you give a person you love? Imagine your daughter or a dear friend… I often find that is the easiest way to reality, especially with no Catholic counselors nearby. And there is a tele-counselling service I have seen recommended here. I will post it later, unless someone does it first. I would use it myself…**

 

[IrishAm]

Okay. If I am a doormat, which was one of my former husband’s favorite words for me, how do I incorporate I Corinthians 13:4-7 into my relationship with others.

Love is patient, is kind; love does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

We are supposed to love one another as Christ has loved us. We are also supposed to love thy neighbor as thy self.

How does this fit into my relationship with my family and my former husband?

Well, for one thing, you could consider getting away from picking and choosing single Bible verses and using them as a standard. I could easily quote back to you where Jesus sent out his disciples and told them, when the entered a home, to send out their peace to the home and if that peace did not come back to them to leave the home, shake the dust from their feet, and never look back.

Sounds to me that, right now, your family and former husband are not meeting you in peace.

Gospel love, Christian love, also extends to yourself. You can love people in the holy sense and still protect yourself from them at the same time.