Am I being overly sensitive?

[jacie]

I understand your concern about not wanting to get angry or hateful. Why not skip it and go to the next step - pity. Just feel sorry for them all. They obviously are not living in accord with God’s Word, and there is little you can do for them except to pray for them and continue being a good example. But I hope you are not sitting at the doorstep like a desperate little puppy hoping for some attention from them. Get on with the good things and the good people in your life. You can still honor your parents by being there if they need you. Just don’t plan your life around it. You can’t let yourself need them anymore, at least not until they start acting in a more Christian manner. Make the emotional break - it doesn’t mean that you are not there to be a daughter someday if they need you.

And don’t keep things in like the whole Thanksgiving thing. You would be doing yourself and them a favor by letting them know that you know what they are doing. Shine the light of truth upon their secret plans to exclude you, in a calm, loving way. Just let them know that it hurts you that they have obviously chosen him over you. Don’t live lie and continue on in your relationship with them keeping that one inside - it will eat you up.

 

[VivienneJ]

I understand your concern about not wanting to get angry or hateful. Why not skip it and go to the next step - pity. Just feel sorry for them all. They obviously are not living in accord with God’s Word, and there is little you can do for them except to pray for them and continue being a good example. But I hope you are not sitting at the doorstep like a desperate little puppy hoping for some attention from them. Get on with the good things and the good people in your life. You can still honor your parents by being there if they need you. Just don’t plan your life around it. You can’t let yourself need them anymore, at least not until they start acting in a more Christian manner. Make the emotional break - it doesn’t mean that you are not there to be a daughter someday if they need you.

And don’t keep things in like the whole Thanksgiving thing. You would be doing yourself and them a favor by letting them know that you know what they are doing. Shine the light of truth upon their secret plans to exclude you, in a calm, loving way. Just let them know that it hurts you that they have obviously chosen him over you. Don’t live lie and continue on in your relationship with them keeping that one inside - it will eat you up.

Excellent advice.

 

[Eucharisted]

Lord Jesus Christ, give Gal the strength, the patience, and the courage she needs to bear her crosses, the unfailing hope and absolute trust in You, and the true joy which always comes in suffering for and with You. Amen.

 

[chevalier]

I’m trying to let go of the hurt, but being angry wont solve anything. I would just have to go to confession for dishonoring my parents.
I feel a little guilty about even talking about how hurt I am. I feel like I am being disloyal to my parents and brothers and sisters.

What I want to do is get over being hurt. The hurt might cause a wedge between me and my family and then I will be permanently ostracized by them.

You are not being disloyal if you refuse to justify their every action. Beyond the benefit of doubt which is reasonable in a given situation, you don’t owe any more and you certainly don’t owe people to explain things in ways contrary to reason just so they can keep being exemplars in your mind. Nope. You have no proof it goes beyond platonic between your husband and your sister, so you don’t assume - that’s fine. But you don’t dishonour your family by being the subject of their contempting treatment. It’s their choice and a bad one.

Excellent advice.

Yeah.

 

[jmcrae]

Okay. If I am a doormat, which was one of my former husband’s favorite words for me, how do I incorporate I Corinthians 13:4-7 into my relationship with others.

Love is patient, is kind; love does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

We are supposed to love one another as Christ has loved us. We are also supposed to love thy neighbor as thy self.

If someone you loved dearly - someone whose happiness and peace of mind was more important to you than life itself - was in your situation, what advice would you give her?

 

[Salonika]

Dear Galnextdoor

What a situation to deal with - it would strain the coping skills of most people including those at the high end of the insenstivity scale.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you take jmcrae’s comment “If someone you loved dearly - someone whose happiness and peace of mind was more important to you than life itself - was in your situation, what advice would you give her?” to heart.

Galnextdoor:

My mother said I had no right to feel hurt.

Don’t think that other people have the right to tell us how we should or not feel.

We certainly should look at how we deal with how we are feeling and how we would like to deal with it - eg it can stop us acting inappropriately or trying new ways of doing so - but we shouldn’t write off how we feel.

Think its bad enough to deal with strong emotions without having a guilt trip put on us for just feeling them.

My daughter says I’m being overly sensitive.

Sensivity comes on a scale - seems its often considered better to be on the low rather than the high. Also that someone being considered overly sensitive seems enough for some people to disregard any justifiable hurt, anger or discomfort they are experiencing.

This disregard just makes us feel worse for it takes the focus away from the situation we are reacting to to our reaction.

So in your case the issue stops being the fact you are being lied to eg about there being no Thanksgiving Gathering, to you being angry/hurt about being lied to.

Next step can be a comment that no-one else would feel that way. Sometimes we have to be careful we don’t buy into that but it can be difficult if we keep being told it.

I explained some of the stuff that had been going on to my family, but my sister, who has been living at the house with my former husband, has told everyone that I am a liar. I think I am going to end up being officially ostracized from the family like my other sister.

It’s horrible, and so unfair, when we are told we are liars when we are telling the truth. But sometimes I think it can be better for our mental health to steer as clear as we can of people who do this to us consistently. But it isn’t easy to do when we are being maligned but maybe it is healthier than continued doses of abuse.

I am a quiet, soft spoken person. I usually keep my opinions to myself, no matter how much I want to say something.

If this is an inate quality it won’t have been helped by your marriage and your family dynamics. Maybe you, like me, find it difficult to butt in (told this was rude) and also a challenge to come into a conversation without having had a chance to think out what you want to say.

But we can learn to talk up more for ourselves.

I know I shouldn’t let these things bother me. I have asked God to help me forgive and forget, but I’m having trouble getting over it.

I have trouble with forgive and forget.

Forgive yes - so a burden lifts for us and we can live in the present. Forget no - then we can end up experiencing and having to deal with the same abuse from another person and/or in another situation. This can lead to us losing our self-esteem as we beat up ourselves again for being over-sensitive. Sometimes we need to keep away from some people or only be in their presence with others who are safe, while we learn better skills to deal with them.

Please forgive me for having this little pity party for myself, but I really do want to get over this. I guess I’m just too sensitive

Nothing to forgive in my opinion.

 

[Salonika]

Dear Galnextdoor

What a situation to deal with - it would strain the coping skills of most people including those at the high end of the insenstivity scale.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you take jmcrae’s comment “If someone you loved dearly - someone whose happiness and peace of mind was more important to you than life itself - was in your situation, what advice would you give her?” to heart.

Don’t think that other people have the right to tell us how we should or not feel.

We certainly should look at how we deal with how we are feeling and how we would like to deal with it - eg it can stop us acting inappropriately or trying new ways of doing so - but we shouldn’t write off how we feel.

Think its bad enough to deal with strong emotions without having a guilt trip put on us for just feeling them.

Sensivity comes on a scale - seems its often considered better to be on the low rather than the high. Also that someone being considered overly sensitive seems enough for some people to disregard any justifiable hurt, anger or discomfort they are experiencing.

This disregard just makes us feel worse for it takes the focus away from the situation we are reacting to to our reaction.

So in your case the issue stops being the fact you are being lied to eg about there being no Thanksgiving Gathering, to you being angry/hurt about being lied to.

Next step can be a comment that no-one else would feel that way. Sometimes we have to be careful we don’t buy into that but it can be difficult if we keep being told it.

It’s horrible, and so unfair, when we are told we are liars when we are telling the truth. But sometimes I think it can be better for our mental health to steer as clear as we can of people who do this to us consistently. But it isn’t easy to do when we are being maligned but maybe it is healthier than continued doses of abuse.

If this is an inate quality it won’t have been helped by your marriage and your family dynamics. Maybe you, like me, find it difficult to butt in (told this was rude) and also a challenge to come into a conversation without having had a chance to think out what you want to say.

But we can learn to talk up more for ourselves.

I have trouble with forgive and forget.

Forgive yes - so a burden lifts for us and we can live in the present. Forget no - then we can end up experiencing and having to deal with the same abuse from another person and/or in another situation. This can lead to us losing our self-esteem as we beat up ourselves again for being over-sensitive. Sometimes we need to keep away from some people or only be in their presence with others who are safe, while we learn better skills to deal with them.

Nothing to forgive in my opinion.

 

[Salonika]

Dear Galnextdoor

What a situation to deal with - it would strain the coping skills of most people including those at the high end of the insensitivity scale.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you take jmcrae’s comment “If someone you loved dearly - someone whose happiness and peace of mind was more important to you than life itself - was in your situation, what advice would you give her?” to heart.

Galnextdoor:

My mother said I had no right to feel hurt.

Don’t think that other people have the right to tell us how we should or not feel.

We certainly should look at how we are feeling and how we would like to deal with it - eg it can stop us acting inappropriately or trying new ways of doing so - but we shouldn’t write off how we feel.

Think it’s bad enough to deal with strong emotions without having a guilt trip put on us for just feeling them.

My daughter says I’m being overly sensitive.

Sensivity comes on a scale - seems its often considered better to be on the low rather than the high. Also that someone being considered overly sensitive seems enough for some people to disregard any justifiable hurt, anger or discomfort they are experiencing.

This disregard just makes us feel worse for it takes the focus away from the situation we are reacting to to our reaction.

So in your case the issue stops being the fact you are being lied to eg about there being no Thanksgiving Gathering, to you being angry/hurt about being lied to.

Next step can be a comment that no-one else would feel that way. Sometimes we have to be careful we don’t buy into that but it can be difficult if we keep being told it.

but my sister, who has been living at the house with my former husband, has told everyone that I am a liar.

It’s horrible, and so unfair, when we are told we are liars when we are telling the truth. But sometimes I think it can be better for our mental health to steer as clear as we can of people who do this to us consistently. But it isn’t easy to do when we are being maligned but maybe it is healthier than continued doses of abuse.

I am a quiet, soft spoken person. I usually keep my opinions to myself, no matter how much I want to say something.

If this is an inate quality it won’t have been helped by your marriage and your family dynamics. Maybe you, like me, find it difficult to butt in (told this was rude) and also a challenge to come into a conversation without having had a chance to think out what you want to say.

But we can learn to talk up more for ourselves.

I know I shouldn’t let these things bother me. I have asked God to help me forgive and forget, but I’m having trouble getting over it. .

I have trouble with forgive and forget.

Forgive yes - so a burden lifts for us and we can live in the present. Forget no - then we can end up experiencing and having to deal with the same abuse from another person and/or in another situation. This can lead to us losing our self-esteem as we beat up ourselves again for being over-sensitive. Sometimes we need to keep away from some people or only be in their presence with others who are safe, while we learn better skills to deal with them.

Please forgive me for having this little pity party for myself, but I really do want to get over this. I guess I’m just too sensitive.

Nothing to forgive in my opinion.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Thanks all of you for your advice and suggestions. KCmommy you are too funny! I laughed out loud about the bullhorn suggestion.
Feanaro’swife, Chevalier, Solonika …all you guys who have posted, thanks so much. you have given me a lot to think about. More than anything else, I want to please God. I thought that pleasing my parents would please God. I know that love requires sacrifice and enduring hardships, I’m just not sure where or if God would want me to draw a line. It can be painful to be around my family at times, but walking away would be like a divorce.

I left my husband because he was verbally abusive, but I also left him so he would be happy. He is very happy. He says he really enjoys not having any responsibilities.

I guess I am just confused about how to please God and keep myself from being hurt at the same time.

 

[vocatio]

Sometimes family can be your worst enemy. I feel your pain. My parents were divorced and determined to make us believe them over the EX spouse. I’d refrain from referring to him as your former husband unless a declaration of nullity is issued. Assuming you still love him just keep praying for him. Also pray for your family to open their eyes to reality. Forgiveness is very difficult but necessary for salvation. Avoid negative talk about him from this point on. Do not allow your children to say negative things about him. And do not allow others to say negative things about him. Also, do you best to not say anything negative about him. This is a very difficult thing that I struggle with about my own pareents that have passed into eternity. Having been written out of a will, watched my mother force my younger brother’s girlfriend into an abortion, seen my older brother commit suicide, my dad threaten to kill everyone around him including my wife, drink himself to death, and much more…trust me. I feel your pain. That is why I married the woman I married. Her family staunchly rejects divorce. Therefore they have a propencity to at least try to make it work…get through the difficult times and celebrate the joyful times. It’s work…maybe a work of mercy.

Protect your children from this. Don’t allow this to ruin their lives. Take it from someone that dealt with this from the receiving end.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Love is patient, is kind; love does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Aww, sweetie, believe it or not, this verse CAN apply to you. You may not believe it right now but time is on your side.

NPDs are charmers. When they want to be. But they can’t maintain it for long.

So you be patient. This will take a few years for it to blow up in their faces. And it will. Sounds like hubby and sis have had a secret thing for each other, and by teaming up with her, he gets to sock you in the nose and make you feel inadequate and strip you of your family and lose a husband all in one fell swoop. What a masterful NPD little game! And your sister must have a competition thing with you for all your life and now she’s going to prove she can keep the man you couldn’t. But what she doesn’t know, is he’s not worth keeping. She’ll find out the hard way. When she starts to walk in your shoes as the new wears off and the old shines through. That will be your opportunity to be kind to her when she starts having that beaten look in her eye because all he does is tell her how horrible she is.

Patience and kindness… if he was any good husband, he’d still be with you. Real sisters hate your ex for you when they leave. This one hasn’t read the sister’s manual. Team up with the other one and be supportive. Get to know her. Be her family. Now you can see how she feels. It’s your opportunity to expand your world. And it will now that NPD is pestering your sister.

Your mom will hate him eventually. When he turns on your sister.

Just wait.

This Thanksgiving might be the only fun one. I wager by next year it may be a little bit awkward for all of them.

It’s your chance to bear all things and endure all things. Pray for them all to see the truth. And act on it.

The Truth is a Person and it doesn’t stay buried forever. You keep your side of the street clean. They all have the seeds of their own destruction in them.

Pray for them. But don’t expect anything of them. Time will do that to them. It’s not up to you.

Christ was also betrayed by those closest to Him.

Just be glad you’re not being told how awful you are. So avoid those negative people. Without you there, they’ll turn on each other soon enough. The secret is, you have to be gone. Or they unite against you.

Keep up the good work. It gets better!

 

[Galnextdoor]

Sometimes family can be your worst enemy. I feel your pain. My parents were divorced and determined to make us believe them over the EX spouse. I’d refrain from referring to him as your former husband unless a declaration of nullity is issued. Assuming you still love him just keep praying for him. Also pray for your family to open their eyes to reality. Forgiveness is very difficult but necessary for salvation. Avoid negative talk about him from this point on. Do not allow your children to say negative things about him. And do not allow others to say negative things about him. Also, do you best to not say anything negative about him.

Protect your children from this. Don’t allow this to ruin their lives. Take it from someone that dealt with this from the receiving end.

Hi,
I’m sorry that you suffered so unjustly from your parents actions. I think you missed parts of my posts. I never say anything bad about the children’s father to the children. I have never gone into great detail with my family about the things he has said and done to me. I’ve given them only enough information so they understand that I had to leave him. I have not broadcast his problems all over town. I would not want to contribute to his self-destruction in any way.

The only thing I have said to my daughter is that her father doesn’t love me anymore and he has lost his way. I told her that I can’t live with the way he acts towards me and bashes my religious beliefs. She already knew about his anti-religious problems. A few days after I left, he took down every religious item in the house. Other than that I haven’t said anything else about her father.
My son is autistic and has some physical disabilities. He never asks about his father, and I never say anything.

I think my children are entitled to love their father freely and have no feelings of guilt about it. I think that my unwillingness to constantly talk about some of the horrendous things he has done, has caused some people to believe that they never happened. Especially since my sister thinks he’s a great guy and says that I lie.
The relationship between my sister and the children’s father is platonic. I’ve never said or implied otherwise. I think that it is really my fault that I was not invited to Thanksgiving. If I had been more detailed and vocal about what he has done to me, I might have generated some understanding from two of my brothers. I don’t want to divide loyalties, so basically it’s my fault that I was not invited to Thanksgiving.

The only one I told most of the details to was my mother, and she told me it was hard to believe because he is such a wonderful guy.

I knew when I married him that my family would love him, especially my mother. He is very talented on the stage. He sings, he acts, he dances and has worked at a publishing company as a book illustrator. He is sort of a local celebrity. God has special plans for me that do not include the children’s father. I just need to toughen up.

 

[VivienneJ]

I think that it is really my fault that I was not invited to Thanksgiving. If I had been more detailed and vocal about what he has done to me, I might have generated some understanding from two of my brothers. I don’t want to divide loyalties, so basically it’s my fault that I was not invited to Thanksgiving.

I would disagree that it is your fault you were not invited to Thanksgiving. It may be your fault that out of a desire to protect your husband from your family’s judgement you did not let your family know just how bad things were for you…but it was still their decision not to invite you to Thanksgiving, so that’s their fault, if there must be blame allocated. Don’t load yourself up with anymore guilt than you already carry.

God has special plans for me that do not include the children’s father. I just need to toughen up.

Great awareness that God has special plans. When you ‘toughen up’ remember you just need to ensure that you do not put yourself in a position where your family can hurt you so badly. You must already be pretty tough to have come through what you already have.

Hope you and your sister have a great Thanksgiving and build some super and special memories while you’re at it.

 

[marietta]

The only way I know how to “get over” this kind of profound pain is to inventory it on paper. I’d make columns: 1) What person, place or thing I’m resentful at or about; 2) What is the cause of the resentment; 3) What area(s) of my life this situation is affecting (self-esteem, pocketbook, ambition, personal relationships, including sex life); What part did I play in this situation. This is critical and cannot be left out of the equation. I would ask myself, “Where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened?” I would try to disregard the other person entirely and focus on my part. Where am I to blame? This is my inventory, not the other person’s. As my faults became evident, I would list them. Time to admit my wrongs honestly and set matters straight, because to conclude that others are wrong and go no further is to deny the more significant information at hand. Whom did I hurt? Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion or bitterness? Inventory every incident and become willing to make amends.

We can’t make anyone “act right”. People who are manipulative like this should be regarded as sick. We can grow, with the help of God and with honesty, openmindedness and willingness. And remember that you are protected. Sometimes people have to leave behind those who are masquerading as “family” so that we can live sane and centered lives, without the drama and bull. That’s not a sacrifice. It’s reaching toward the light.

marietta

 

[RB2]

…

Sounds all too familar.

If you are part of a non/dys/functional family that was rife with backward thinking and drama?
If it seems the ‘Bad Actors’ get all the consideration and empathy. You know the people who do the bad things! If its all about you having to turn the other cheek while the ‘Bad Actors’ get no reprimand or family pressure for having done bad? If there are situations/dramas where your dignity is completely compromised? In yours I can see that it is!

One day I left out the backdoor, so to speak, after the straw that broke the camels back and havent looked back. No bad words, just gone, no forwarding address, phone#. Adios Family, I’m away from the hating/anger and continual drama. I pray for them however so God will spare them from the pains of Hell! As neither of them is a practicing Catholic.

Better for me now that I dont have to interject, plead
and fight for common sense , consideration and simple justice in the family. This is not for everyone.

 

[udoc89]

Dear Galnextdoor:

I am glad you have one sister who knows what you are going through. If your family has a history of ostricizing its members, you are possibly well rid of them. I know that’s not much help, but they seem to be far more emotionally off-balance than you–especially the sister who has moved in with your ex. I suspect that when he is done using and abusing her, she will be seeking you out again.

I will pray for you and your children. You are stronger than you know.

 

[Eliza10]

… More than anything else, I want to please God…

Then you will find true happiness!

…I thought that pleasing my parents would please God. .

Except that some people you can’t please. Some don’t want to be pleased. Some think that the whole world is divided up between only two kinds of people: people who hurt and people who get hurt - and they sure don’t want to be foolish like you and be in the latter group!

Its a twisted worldview, and if its their worldview you can’t change it. God doesn’t expect you to.

You have to honor them. The best that you can in your circumstances. If they are sick and need a ride to the hospital, you will be there. Perhaps the only way you can honor them is to send them holiday and birthday cards, and stop in for very brief visits (if its possible to avoid abuse then).

Because if spending time with them in social situations just provides them the opportunity to be sinfully abusive to you, then you can consider yourself to be supplying them with the occasion to sin. You would be doing them a favor by keeping yourself at a distance that minimizes thier chances to get more rooted in sin.

Also, leaving the moment they treat you with disrespect may be the only way you can help them out of sin. You’d at least be allowing them natural consequences of their actions: when you mistreat people, they don’t want to be around you.

I guess you probably already have seen yourself that you chose a selfish Narcissistic man because as a child you had no choice but to accept such behavior.

I want to share also that it sounds to me that mysogyny might be a generational sin in your family. I don’t know a lot about this, but I heard a lecture on it by healing ministers once, and I’ll share what I know here and you can search more on this topic if it sounds like you. I suggest a good Christian counselor, one involved in spirtual healing of abuse.

It runs in families, I believe I have heard more than once that a demon, in this case a demon of mysogyny, takes up residence in a family and stays with it generation after generation, because it finds a welcome home there. Both sexes in the family practice putting the women down. Mothers favor their sons, and their daughter’s husbands, and they distain their daughters.

Your sister favoring your ex-husband who hurt you and distaining you is consistent wtith mysogyny in families. Your family embracing it is like they are exaulting her for upholding this “family value”.

That the mysogynist behavior of your sister gets family approval (which is outrageously crazy to any outsider) is consistent with having the demon of generational sin in your family. Your sister’s actions also wins her the [perverted] respect of being in the “group of people-who-hurt”, rather than the disrespected place of everybody else (like you and your other sister) who are so foolish to be in the “only” other “group” there is - the “people-who-*get-*hurt group”.

I am not shairing this as a professional (I am not) or as person who has special spiritual insight. I am just sharing my thoughts from what I have learned for you to consider. If it resonates with you then you can discuss it with someone more knowlegable about such matters.

… I know that love requires sacrifice and enduring hardships, I’m just not sure where or if God would want me to draw a line. It can be painful to be around my family at times, but walking away would be like a divorce…

Walking away from giving them opportunities to sin is doing them a favor.

You have probably read about codependancy: people who are this way need to make boundaries. Do you think thats you?

… I left my husband because he was verbally abusive, but I also left him so he would be happy. He is very happy. He says he really enjoys not having any responsibilities…

Wow. Oh well. The reason most people sin is because they enjoy it. And that is the philosphy of the world - if you are happy, then that’s all that matters. Pretty prevalent these days in our Narcissistic society.

… I guess I am just confused about how to please God and keep myself from being hurt at the same time.

Do you know that song, “Just as I am, Lord, Just as I am…”? Thats how you come to God, that’s what pleases Him - your coming to Him jsut as you are. He loves you just as you are, sinful and sorrowful, just as you are. He loves you. He wants you to run to him when you are sad and when you are mad. Just as you are.

All your feelings are okay. I think of words loved by St. Theresa: “All is gift”. Your anger or sorrow is a gift. Its natural and normal to be angry at your parents. Its natural and normal to be sad, and grieve as you find your family is not and may never be close to the family you know they could be if they only wanted. In fact if you did not grieve a realization and reality so grievious, I think you would mess yourself up inside, don’t you? Go to Jesus with your anger and your sad. Its the safest place to be with that. Say, “Here I am, Lord, just as I am.” He will soothe you, and be so happy to! When your child is hurt, do you want him to go to his room and get over it, or stuff his feelings inside of himself before he faces you? No, you want him to come to you so you can comfort Him.

I suggest you ignore their leaving you out of Thanksgiving, and act like its of no consequence to you. Because frankly they mostly likely will feed off your hurt - and disparage you more. Spare them that ungodly behavior by not letting them know how you feel. Your feelings of hurt at being left out are precious, so share those precious feelings with only with those who have love and charity for you.

And your precious feelings of hurt are a gift ti be offered to Our Lord for the salvation of sinners.