Am I being selfish?

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jenlovesyu

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Some of you may not be familiar with my situation so I will try to be brief.
I am currently a 19 yr old, single and pregnant college student. The relationship me and the baby’s father had was unhealthy so of course it was only prudent to end it. For a while when we would talk (on the phone) we both would behave rather immaturely. After finally meeting at the same time with the pregnancy counselor, we received some helpful advice on how to have more mature and respectful conversations. I have done my best to do my part but he has been behaving the same. Either he gets into one of his depressive moods and says he might not stick around to be in the child’s life, or he gets really mad and tries to throw out whatever hurtful things he can. He’s done this over and over and I finally told him not to call me back until he was ready to change his behavior. This was about two weeks ago.

Today he sends me a message on facebook asking me to call him when I get the chance. He said he met with a priest and that the priest said I was being selfish by not calling the baby’s father. He also wrote that all of his friends are saying that I am acting as if I don’t want him around the child or in the child’s life since I wont call him. He says he isn’t going to act immature (his words) anymore but I can’t trust his word because the for the past year and a half all I would get from him is his word and no action.

Am I behaving selfishly by wanting to not talk to him for right now? I am trying to take care of myself as much as possible and it’s really difficult to do so when my child’s father is so emotionally unstable. Is it my fault that I get stressed out from being on the phone with him?

Your advice is very much appreciated. God bless.
-Jennifer
 
Are you sure that’s what the priest said, or is that his interpretation of what the priest said? Did he really meet with a priest?

If all of the above is how he said it is, how did the priest determine this from talking to only him?
 
I am assuming he really did meet with a priest but as far as what he or the priest actually said I am not sure. If this is the same priest that, a couple months ago, suggested we live together under a civil marriage contract then I don’t know if I would trust what he (the priest) says anyway. I respect my pastor but I have been wary of him ever since he said that. And I kind of asked myself the same question, how can the priest really know the whole situation by only talking to one of us? I really don’t know the answer to that.

But do you think it’s wrong for me to postpone talking to the baby’s father right now?
 
Here’s what I told another user in the same situation you are in:

Don’t believe the father. He is most likely trying to manipulate you, to get you to feel guilty. Distance yourself from him. Take him off your Facebook, MySpace, etc.

Than, talk with a priest. Tell him everything. Obey his advice. There are even priests on CAF that you can talk with, like Father Joe.

And in all things, pray and rely on God. Trust in Him. He will order everything for you and your child’s greater good.
 
Phone him tell him its time to grow up he will soon have a wee child to provide for
and you need to meet to have a serious talk. Get all your feelings out in the open and
he needs to do the same only then can you move forward. Why have a gobetween? talk to each other communication is the answer.People seem to love idle gossip tell him stop fueling that by telling the wrong story to pals. Goodluck.
 
Jen, your first obligation is to the health of your baby. Anything that detracts from that: mowing lawns, hauling sofas up three flights of stairs, trying to have adult conversations with unstable people who emotionally berate you and upset you… avoid it.

😉

People who pick on pregnant women and upset them are to be avoided.

We agreed months ago, didn’t we, that this boy was manipulative and probably a narcissist. Whatever version he gave of the events to the priest, if he even talked to him at all, probably left out key details of his own instability and WHY you are avoiding him.

I’ve dealt with people who do that… tell a story, get a good quote and then throw it back at you to control you. He is upsetting you because he’s using the priest’s quote (even if it is midguided but accurate) to control you.

Don’t fall for it.

You are the one undergoing the pregnancy. It is changing you. He is not pregnant. He is not changing.

Take care of your baby first. I repeat, that includes avoiding people who upset you.

😉
 
This guy is trying to manipulate you big time; don’t let him suck you in! IF the priest said that, he probably didn’t have all the information, and was only speakng from the baby’s father’s (mis)information. Enlisting friends to gang up on you is also a common tactic. It is not wrong for you to focus on your pregnancy or the baby’s future, it’s called responsible parenting and you are doing great at it! I would leave the possibility of future communication open, but for now, I would walk away from this unhealthy relationship and make plans for your future. :angel1:
 
jenlovesyu said:
Some of you may not be familiar with my situation so I will try to be brief.
I am currently a 19 yr old, single and pregnant college student. The relationship me and the baby’s father had was unhealthy so of course it was only prudent to end it. For a while when we would talk (on the phone) we both would behave rather immaturely. After finally meeting at the same time with the pregnancy counselor, we received some helpful advice on how to have more mature and respectful conversations. I have done my best to do my part but he has been behaving the same. Either he gets into one of his depressive moods and says he might not stick around to be in the child’s life, or he gets really mad and tries to throw out whatever hurtful things he can. He’s done this over and over and I finally told him not to call me back until he was ready to change his behavior. This was about two weeks ago.

Today he sends me a message on facebook asking me to call him when I get the chance. He said he met with a priest and that the priest said I was being selfish by not calling the baby’s father. He also wrote that all of his friends are saying that I am acting as if I don’t want him around the child or in the child’s life since I wont call him. He says he isn’t going to act immature (his words) anymore but I can’t trust his word because the for the past year and a half all I would get from him is his word and no action.

Am I behaving selfishly by wanting to not talk to him for right now? I am trying to take care of myself as much as possible and it’s really difficult to do so when my child’s father is so emotionally unstable. Is it my fault that I get stressed out from being on the phone with him?

Your advice is very much appreciated. God bless.
-Jennifer
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When he spoke with the priest, he told him his side of the story. He probably made himself seem like a good guy, and you like a terrible, selfish woman. For all you know, he never spoke with a priest at all but simply made it up.

You should do what’s best for yours and the baby’s health right now.
 
jenlovesyu said:
I am assuming he really did meet with a priest but as far as what he or the priest actually said I am not sure. If this is the same priest that, a couple months ago, suggested we live together under a civil marriage contract then I don’t know if I would trust what he (the priest) says anyway. I respect my pastor but I have been wary of him ever since he said that. And I kind of asked myself the same question, how can the priest really know the whole situation by only talking to one of us? I really don’t know the answer to that.

But do you think it’s wrong for me to postpone talking to the baby’s father right now?
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I don’t think you need to stay in conversations that are obviously not going anywhere. They will not accomplish anything.
 
jenlovesyu said:
Today he sends me a message on facebook asking me to call him when I get the chance. He said he met with a priest and that the priest said I was being selfish by not calling the baby’s father.
He also wrote that all of his friends are saying that I am acting as if I don’t want him around the child or in the child’s life since I wont call him.
/QUOTE]
So drop him a note on facebook and tell him that if he really isn’t going to be immature anymore, then why on earth is he sitting there like a big overgrown baby whining over what his priest says and what all his friends say instead of being man enough to put in writing exactly what he himself has to say about why on earth he feels that you should consider him to be some kind of suitable choice to accompany you through your pregnancy and/or be a responsible supportive loving parent to this child.

Exactly what position is he applying for? Friend? Pregnancy support person? Loving fiancee? Loving husband? Responsible supportive loving co-parent to raise this child?
You haven’t got any time nor energy to waste on being a mommy to any whining babies but your own unborn one. Pregnant women are supposed to be selfish! Their unborn children’s life and health depend entirely upon them getting their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs met and will suffer if they are not. Nobody gets a second chance to grow and birth a child a second time if it’s not done right the first time.

Exactly what skills and qualifications are you looking for in a friend? a pregnancy support person? a husband? a father to your child? Does he actually possess any of these skills and qualifications?
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THis is difficult. It sounds like you have a long history with this guy.

On the other hand, I think you are going to need to figure out a way to deal with him. He is the father, and you may have money issues, health issues… and your child, if it is at all possible, should have the opportunity to know his father. Even if he gets to know he’s a bad father. (If the father is actually dangerous to the child, that is different.) If the child doesn’t get the opportunity, you will have to explain it when he or she is older - I don’t mean that to be threatening at all, but it is something to think about. As well, if the father wants to see the child, it could be difficult to prevent it, so it might be best to make it as painless as possible.

So, is there any way you could make an arragement that could be workable? What about having a neutral person there when you meet, or using email only? It might be useful to talk to a councelor who deals with this stuff.
 
A few moments after reading his message I began to think that perhaps he is manipulating me. If he didn’t mention seeing a priest I would have ignored it all together but I needed some reassurance. I don’t want to disrespect a priest. But that’s probably why he mentioned that in the very first sentence 🤷
So drop him a note on facebook and tell him that if he really isn’t going to be immature anymore, then why on earth is he sitting there like a big overgrown baby whining over what his priest says and what all his friends say instead of being man enough to put in writing exactly what he himself has to say about why on earth he feels that you should consider him to be some kind of suitable choice to accompany you through your pregnancy and/or be a responsible supportive loving parent to this child.
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Exactly what position is he applying for? Friend? Pregnancy support person? Loving fiancee? Loving husband? Responsible supportive loving co-parent to raise this child?
You haven’t got any time nor energy to waste on being a mommy to any whining babies but your own unborn one. Pregnant women are supposed to be selfish! Their unborn children’s life and health depend entirely upon them getting their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs met and will suffer if they are not. Nobody gets a second chance to grow and birth a child a second time if it’s not done right the first time.
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Exactly what skills and qualifications are you looking for in a friend? a pregnancy support person? a husband? a father to your child? Does he actually possess any of these skills and qualifications?
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We are supposed to be working on a co-parenting plan together for the child. I have no interest in him romantically at this point. I want my child to learn how to respect himself as well as others, to understand and live real love. To have a healthy emotional and spiritual upbringing. To stand up for what he believes in and to live up to his full potential.
Most of all, to understand that God always comes first. For it is only God who knows how to perfectly, safely and lovingly govern a life.

As much as I want the baby’s father to, I don’t suspect he will be able to acheive any of that unless he keeps going to a therapist and puts the advice he receives into action.
THis is difficult. It sounds like you have a long history with this guy.
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On the other hand, I think you are going to need to figure out a way to deal with him. He is the father, and you may have money issues, health issues… and your child, if it is at all possible, should have the opportunity to know his father. Even if he gets to know he’s a bad father. (If the father is actually dangerous to the child, that is different.) If the child doesn’t get the opportunity, you will have to explain it when he or she is older - I don’t mean that to be threatening at all, but it is something to think about. As well, if the father wants to see the child, it could be difficult to prevent it, so it might be best to make it as painless as possible.
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So, is there any way you could make an arragement that could be workable? What about having a neutral person there when you meet, or using email only? It might be useful to talk to a councelor who deals with this stuff.
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I understand what you are saying. I don’t actually want to cut the baby’s father out of my child’s life. I am hoping that he does what needs to be done for the sake of the baby but I have no control over what he does (or doesn’t do). I have mentioned to him that I want his visits to be supervised at first because I am worried that he may be emotionally abusive to the child. I need to see how he behaves with our son. His mom was emotionally abusive to him and he has expressed some of those behaviors to me throughout our relationship so I am quite cautious at this point. So far he doesn’t like that idea but I will have the legal right to arrange that. Unless of course he tries to battle me in court. I don’t think he would but who knows.

We are supposed to be seeing a pregnancy counselor, however we have only met with her at the same time twice. At the second meeting, the counselor told him that he needs to “stop playing the victim” and he took offense to that so he decided not to go anymore. I am still seeing this counselor alone for support. Her and I are hoping that the baby’s father will change his mind and start going with me again but we will have to wait and see. I think I will respond to him only to tell him when the next appointment is at and say that I am not able to speak on the phone right now. I don’t want to risk getting stressed again. I’m too excited about my son and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me.
 
A mature man would come speak to you in person - or at MINIMUM call you on the phone. A mature man does not post you a message on twitter or facebook or myspace (what I call mytwitface).

A mature man also treats you like a lady, with respect.

Time to let this boy do some growing up.
 
jenlovesyu said:
We are supposed to be working on a co-parenting plan together for the child.
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Whose idea is it to co-parent a child with someone who isn’t legally one’s spouse nor ex-spouse and with whom one does not have a functional relationship? Is this some sort of mandated court order? If it is some sort of mandated court order, why does this oversized baby adult get away with deciding he is just no longer going to bother to show up for counseling appointments whenever a counselor says something this oversized fussy baby doesn’t happen to like? This oversized baby adult behavior isn’t evidence of anyone even remotely fit to co-parent a dog, let alone a child!

You need significant communications with him kept in writing: signed, dated, hard copy paper writing, so that you have records of everything. He is going to promise to show up for counseling? You need that in writing. He promises what else to you? Tell him to put it in writing and sign it. He is capable of signing his name, yes? You need to keep records of exactly what was court ordered or offered, and how many of those promises were kept and how many of those promises were not kept. You need signed and dated statements from the counselor confirming when and where he never bothered to show up for counseling appointments or keep other such appointments and promises. You don’t need wistful words about maybe he’ll change, you need documentation of what’s going on. “In writing” doesn’t mean e-mail. “In writing” means that you require that everything he promises and agrees to be written out in hard copy, signed, sealed, and delivered. Keep records of everything and keep them in a safe deposit box.

It’s not about wanting or not wanting to cut the father out of your child’s life, it’s about guaranteeing that a child’s father isn’t ever allowed to behave irresponsibly with his son without losing his parental rights to that son. It’s about documenting what has been said and done and agreed to and keeping records of all of it. Raising a child is serious business. Child custody is serious business. Accusing or being accused of being a neglectful or unstable or unfit parent is serious business.
Co-parenting a child is a serious business and you need to keep serious business records. You might never need them in a court of law, but then again you never know in a case of co-parenting when you will be required to provide evidence for why you are asking for court-ordered revocation of what he feels is his right to destroy his son’s life and yours.

It is not within your ability to force an overgrown baby adult to grow up. It is within your ability to demand accountability and responsibility of this overgrown baby adult and if you don’t get it, have any legal right he may have to destroy his son’s life and yours revoked by a court of law.
 
jenlovesyu said:
A few moments after reading his message I began to think that perhaps he is manipulating me. If he didn’t mention seeing a priest I would have ignored it all together but I needed some reassurance. I don’t want to disrespect a priest. But that’s probably why he mentioned that in the very first sentence 🤷

We are supposed to be working on a co-parenting plan together for the child. I have no interest in him romantically at this point. I want my child to learn how to respect himself as well as others, to understand and live real love. To have a healthy emotional and spiritual upbringing. To stand up for what he believes in and to live up to his full potential.
Most of all, to understand that God always comes first. For it is only God who knows how to perfectly, safely and lovingly govern a life.

As much as I want the baby’s father to, I don’t suspect he will be able to acheive any of that unless he keeps going to a therapist and puts the advice he receives into action.

I understand what you are saying. I don’t actually want to cut the baby’s father out of my child’s life. I am hoping that he does what needs to be done for the sake of the baby but I have no control over what he does (or doesn’t do). I have mentioned to him that I want his visits to be supervised at first because I am worried that he may be emotionally abusive to the child. I need to see how he behaves with our son. His mom was emotionally abusive to him and he has expressed some of those behaviors to me throughout our relationship so I am quite cautious at this point. So far he doesn’t like that idea but I will have the legal right to arrange that. Unless of course he tries to battle me in court. I don’t think he would but who knows.

We are supposed to be seeing a pregnancy counselor, however we have only met with her at the same time twice. At the second meeting, the counselor told him that he needs to “stop playing the victim” and he took offense to that so he decided not to go anymore. I am still seeing this counselor alone for support. Her and I are hoping that the baby’s father will change his mind and start going with me again but we will have to wait and see. I think I will respond to him only to tell him when the next appointment is at and say that I am not able to speak on the phone right now. I don’t want to risk getting stressed again. I’m too excited about my son and I don’t want anyone to take that away from me.
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You are a pretty wise young lady! Congrats on the new baby! God bless… About your relationship with your baby’s father, seriously just ignore him and communicate only about appts and health of baby…Anything and everything else is not important…

Keep going to the counselor and please take care of yourself. I kept letting everyone around me stress me during all my pgs I almost lost my first child and I was very ill with my 3rd child…So believe me don’t gamble with your health during pg…Good luck!
 
former Catholic, it was my idea to come up with a co-parenting plan :o.

There are no court orders or legal contracts involved. I could totally keep the baby’s father out of the child’s life if I wanted to. However, I feel like maybe that isn’t the best way to go about it.

I may need to speak with a legal advisor but I know for certain that this is how in goes down in AZ:

IF he doesn’t sign the birth certificate (as the baby’s father), then he will have absolutely no right to the child unless he goes to a court to prove paternity (DNA testing, etc).

If he DOES sign the certificate, I will still have full physical custody of the child. However I will be required by law to allow him visitation and access to things like the child’s medical records and so on. And of course he will be obligated to pay child support.

I just thought I was doing the noble thing ya know? Allowing the father to be a part of the child’s life. Letting the child have both his parents. But time is running out and so far I haven’t seen much of a change in his (the father’s) behavior. At this point I am not sure what is the right course of action. I don’t want my child be affected negatively by this situation. I have an older sister who’s been through a similar situation and I think her oldest daughter has been traumatized by it all. I can’t let my son suffer.
 
I can’t give you any advice that you haven’t already received from previous posters. Your son is your priority in this situation, and you seem very level-headed and mature, more than capable of taking care of this little soul that is being trusted into your care. The baby’s father sounds like more of a liability than an asset to his son at this point in time. So no, I do not think you are being selfish at all.
All the best to you, motherhood is a splendid journey and I am sure you will do a wonderful job. God bless you and your little miracle!
 
**
former Catholic, it was my idea to come up with a co-parenting plan .**
Code: 
       Co-parenting is what people do when either:  a) they share an entirely self-sufficient household as an adult married couple with a stable committed healthy relationship,  or b) once shared an entirely self-sufficient household as an adult married couple with a stable committed healthy relationship, and although their household crumbled because of personal differences, they are still so totally committed to their children that they are fully committed to struggle through the enormous difficulty of co-parenting their children in spite of their personal differences.  No one else in their right mind does co-parenting with anyone else. No one. No one gives anyone else the right to screw up their child's life.
I may need to speak with a legal advisor
You absolutely positively need to speak with a legal advisor. NOW. We’re talking about your health and sanity and your child’s health and sanity and the rest of your life here that is all at stake.
**
IF he doesn’t sign the birth certificate (as the baby’s father), then he will have absolutely no right to the child unless he goes to a court to prove paternity (DNA testing, etc).
If he DOES sign the certificate, I will still have full physical custody of the child. However I will be required by law to allow him visitation and access to things like the child’s medical records and so on. And of course he will be obligated to pay child support. **

Yes, if he signs the birth certificate you will be required by law to allow visitation and access of this man.
This man:
with whom you had a relationship you described as UNHEALTHY
with whom you say you had an IMMATURE UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIP
with whom you had NO CLEARLY DEFINED NOR LEGAL RELATIONSHIP
with whom you had NO LEGAL COMMITMENTS NOR OBLIGATIONS WHATSOEVER
who has NO SKILLS WHEN IT COMES TO HAVING MATURE AND RESPECTFUL CONVERSATIONS
who REFUSES TO FOLLOW ANY ADVICE ON HOW TO HAVE A MATURE AND RESPECTFUL CONVERSATION
who DOESN’T SHOW UP FOR COUNSELING APPOINTMENTS UNLESS HE FEELS LIKE IT
who DOESN’T FEEL LIKE SHOWING UP FOR AGREED-TO COUNSELING APPOINTMENTS IF THE COUNSELOR SAYS SOMETHING HE DOESN’T HAPPEN TO LIKE
who GETS INTO DEPRESSIVE MOODS AND SAYS HE MIGHT NOT STICK AROUND TO BE IN THE CHILD’S LIFE
who GETS REALLY MAD AND TRIES TO THROW OUT WHATEVER HURTFUL THINGS HE CAN
whose IDEA OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION IS A NOTE ON FACEBOOK
who DEMONSTRATES THE JR. HIGH BEHAVIOR OF FOCUSING ON WHAT HIS FRIENDS SAY AND THINK RATHER THAN EFFECTIVELY SPEAKING AND THINKING CLEARLY FOR HIMSELF AND KEEPING HIS WORD
who SAYS HE ISN’T GOING TO ACT IMMATURELY WHILE ACTING IMMATURELY
who ATTEMPTS TO CONTROL AND MANIPULATE YOU
whose WORD YOU DO NOT TRUST
whom you admit that YOU HAVE NO HOPES FOR BEING ABLE TO PROVIDE A HEALTHY UPBRINGING FOR YOUR CHILD UNLESS HE COMMITS TO THERAPY
whose BEHAVIOR YOU FEEL YOU CANNOT LIMIT NOR CONTROL WHATSOEVER
whom YOU DO NOT INHERENTLY TRUST TO BE WITH YOUR CHILD
who DOES NOT LIKE THE IDEA OF SUPERVISED VISITS WITH YOUR CHILD
who HAS DEMONSTRATED EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
who CONTINUES TO DEMONSTRATE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
and whom YOU HAVE NOT SEEN DEMONSTRATE ANY CHANGE IN HIS BEHAVIOR…

Yes, you will be required by law to allow continual visitation and access of THIS man to your house and your life and your precious vulnerable impressionable child for the rest of your life and your child’s life…
even if you make a life for yourself and go on and build a legitimate happy family with someone else, this man would have free reign to destroy it all with his right to visitation and access, bought and paid for by child support you may or may not see any more of than you would see his face at a counseling session, all because you let him sign his name on that dotted line.

Somehow you consider it “noble” to make this man “a part of your child’s life” because he fulfilled the requirements of a sperm donor?
Being qualified as a sperm donor in no way qualifies a man to be a father and a parent and raise a child.

**I have an older sister who’s been through a similar situation and I think her oldest daughter has been traumatized by it all. **
God has given you the writing on the wall. For your son’s sake and your own please read it.
 
This guy has a lot of the hallmarks of a narcissistic personality.

It can go either one of two ways. Either any parenting at all will be boring and too much obligation and he will disappear.

or

He will use the father/son “relationship” to control you and keep you in his life for a minimum amount of money each month (if he has a job. If he loses his jobs and can’t keep one for long, it will be impossible to collect child support, but his failure to pay will not stop your obligation to let him see your child.)

You do need to see a lawyer now and discuss the history with the counselor. She could be a big help to you as far as the courts limiting the father’s time with the child. It’s something you need to plan now. His behavior to the counselor and at the sessions and what she sees is usable in court to keep this toxic man from ruining an innocent child.
 
I totally agree with ‘formerCatholic’ (btw, fC: please reconsider :))!!
If this guy is that much of a jerk, don’t let him near your baby. If he really wants to be a part of his life, he can show it by going through the courts to get paternity determined. My guess is that he won’t bother. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think it’s time you cut your losses, and resigned yourself to single motherhood. If your Dad is around, or you have uncles, cousins, nephews, etc., they can be your son’s role models. Also, if you are friends with a trusted priest or youth minister, they could be very helpful in the ‘big brother’ department.
 
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