Am I being too sensitive?

[severus68]

I’m not sure if this is the right forum to post this in.

Anyways, my girlfriend of about eight months is an actress. Last year she shot a film where she was involved in an explicit sex scene. I knew there was intimate touching and kissing to be done, but what I did not know that the sex scene she’d be doing would require her to be topless. I thought it would be a pan away type of thing once the groping and kissing starts.

My feelings about this are mixed. Part of me is upset and disappointed - we have not seen each other naked and the fact that she allowed another guy to be that intimate with her, let alone see her chest in that manner just breaks my heart. I’m her boyfriend and never “got that far” with her (I know, I’m a loser). I feel like a fool; a small mouse. Here’s a guy she she barely even knew getting to kiss her and take her bra off for sake of art and story telling. And here am I … She did say the scene was pivotal to the story and was artfully done. That does little to ease the hurt and disappointment. I’m not sure if I’m even going to see the movie, but I want to in order to support her. The other part of me tells me to take it like a man and apply the “it’s art” reasoning and the “if you don’t like it look away.” Of course knowing that others want to see her naked is also disturbing (IMDb is one bizarre place). They’re practically rejoicing.

I know that I am not in a place to tell her what scripts and what scenes to do and not do, since she is in charge of her career, and that in the future there’s a good chance that she might accept a role where she’s doing another explicit scene (that’s pivotal and tastefully done) that it’s something I must get over.

I’m just feeling a bit lost right now. I know I must respect her decisions as an actress.

I need to drink some Jack on the Rocks.

ou do not mention whether you love her. I think "Cat’ has given you the best advice. Do you want to save this relationship? Either way, you should talk to her about how you feel

 

[Midwest88]

It looks like you two are taking it “slow” when it comes to intimacy - at least holding the act of going native for each other. What I find odd is that she’s more than willing to perform this explicit sex scene because the script calls for it, for whatever reason(s), while you, her beau, needs to wait for anything of such nature.

Small budget movies take anywhere between a month to two months to shoot. Within that duration she’s going native in front of the director, DP and fellow on screen lover and you’ve been dating for nearly a year (and no goodies for you). That’s messed up. Sometimes I don’t “get” the entertainment world.

No offense to any actors on CAF or anyone who’s in the show biz but didn’t Katharine Hepburn say acting is the perfect profession for idiots, or something along those lines?

 

[bobballen_18]

I don’t think you’re being too sensitive. I mean, obviously I am not trying to say I have never enjoyed a movie with an explicit scene in it, so I’m just as guilty as many others, but I have always wondered why there has to be explicit scenes in movies. I think modern movies are weird, although sometimes enjoyable, and they almost always involve 2 characters meeting and then having sex within a few days (or less, even). I mean, come on, is that necessary? It just shows the moral decline that our nation is experiencing. I am convinced that it is not necessary to show explicit sex scenes. If a movie must include a sexual experience, I don’t know why they can’t just make it implicit. At the very least, explicit sex scenes are a near occasion of sin.

That’s my two cents.

 

[Anglewannabe]

She is portraying a CHARACTER who is “doing the same things you and her do in the bedroom.”

There is a huge difference. Keep it straight. .

If she was simply portraying a character that was doing these things, they would leave most of it up to the imagination and as another poster suggested, just hang a bra on a chair.

His GF is letting people touch her in a sexual manner and that is cheating on the BF.

What happened to the days when a couple kissed, they would open a big umbrella so no one could see

An example would be Shakespeare’s “Macbeth.” This story features one of the most evil characters of all time, Lady MacBeth, who exhorts her weak husband to join her in her sins.

Would you say that this story should not be told and is not art because the characters commit sins that are scandalous?

.

There is nothing wrong with telling the story but again, the details of the sin should not be shown.

There are a lot of movies where a kid is being abused, that NEVER show a kid being hit. They show a belt going up in the air, we hear the swat and the kid cry but NEVER do we see a kid being hit. They don’t act that out they leave it to the imagination.

 

[ethereality]

No don’t worry, you are not being sensitive in the slightest.

What that woman has done is evil, it is utterly demonic, sinful, and adultery.
as well as someone with no morals.

If I were in your position… I would end the relationship with her.
Better off having a faithful wife, than someone who struggles to behave with a complete stranger, well mate I know what I would do in your situation.

I’m tempted to second this advice. My knee-jerk reaction is that she doesn’t deserve you, in the sense that it seems your morals are above hers. I think she may need you as a friend, but I think it’s cause to seriously consider whether you should marry this woman: It could be a problematic marriage where you perceive the mind of the Church, and wish to live a holy life, whereas she is more worldly and you wind up butting heads.

I’ve already seen threads here, for example, regarding NFP: The woman feels taking her temperature every morning is too much trouble; the woman insists the man wear a condom (so that his sexual gift is wantonly thrown in the trash, I might add); the woman goes on an intrauterine device and boldly declares her never having children again to friends shortly after Mass, etc. The woman doing all these things without any guilty conscience – and if the husband complains, he’s the one with the problem.

“It’s art” applies to artwork – paintings that glorify God. Sexual activity outside of marriage is not justifiable; I think this point is plainly made in the Catechism. She needs to go to confession, and you should reconsider if God’s calling you to marry her.

 

[Cat]

If she was simply portraying a character that was doing these things, they would leave most of it up to the imagination and as another poster suggested, just hang a bra on a chair.

His GF is letting people touch her in a sexual manner and that is cheating on the BF.

What happened to the days when a couple kissed, they would open a big umbrella so no one could see

There is nothing wrong with telling the story but again, the details of the sin should not be shown.

There are a lot of movies where a kid is being abused, that NEVER show a kid being hit. They show a belt going up in the air, we hear the swat and the kid cry but NEVER do we see a kid being hit. They don’t act that out they leave it to the imagination.

Actually, there are movies that show sin in all its disgusting and gory detail, including abuse against children. I’m guessing that you, like me, don’t go to those kinds of movies. Eugh.

The actress was not being touched in a sexual way. It was acting. Just like a murder scene in a movie is not a real murder, with real pain and fear, a sex scene is the same way. It’s not real sex. It’s just acting. It was not “cheating” on her boyfriend. It’s not cheating when a woman goes to a doctor and undergoes a procedure or exam in which her genitals are touched, and it’s not cheating when a woman does a sexually-suggestive scene in a movie or play.

There is a possibility that the scene was not shot as graphically as the OP thinks. Many times, sex scenes in non-porn movies are done with a lot of “covering” of the body, and we don’t see those covers because of good editing.

I agree with you about sex and violence scenes in movies. I think that such scenes are more effective when the details are left to the imagination of the viewer.

But that’s up to the director. In this case, the director chose, for some reason, to make the scene graphic. We don’t know if this was a good or bad decision.

In that business, the rule is, “NEVER make an enemy.” The entertainment business is all about connections. WHO you know and who knows you is much more important than what you know and what your experience is. If you tick someone off, you will lose that entire stream of contacts, and that means you’ll lose work in that corner of the universe, and that means you might spend a lot of time waiting tables. And it has a way of snowballing–if you tick off the wrong person, you may end up blacklisted and unable to get work.

In the business, if you meet up with someone that you dislike working with, the solution is to not work with that person again.

So IMO, the girlfriend will have to decide if the director of the movie was a good director or not. Again, since we don’t know anything about the movie, it’s impossible for us to make a judgement, although as I said, I tend to prefer to see sex/violence scenes done suggestively rather than graphically.

But the girlfriend knows the stuff we don’t know, and she should be able to make a professional judgement as to whether the director knows his/her stuff, or whether the director is a crackpot.

If the girlfriend decides that the director isn’t very good, she will then have to make the decision whether she wants to work with him/her again, or whether she will always be “busy with another job, but thanks anyway!” when she has the opportunity to work for that director again.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

If she was simply portraying a character that was doing these things, they would leave most of it up to the imagination and as another poster suggested, just hang a bra on a chair.

His GF is letting people touch her in a sexual manner and that is cheating on the BF.

What happened to the days when a couple kissed, they would open a big umbrella so no one could see

There is nothing wrong with telling the story but again, the details of the sin should not be shown.

There are a lot of movies where a kid is being abused, that NEVER show a kid being hit. They show a belt going up in the air, we hear the swat and the kid cry but NEVER do we see a kid being hit. They don’t act that out they leave it to the imagination.

I don’t think the OP is being too sensitive either.

Jim Caviezel doesn’t do love scenes for respect of his wife. I saw the miniseries, “The Prisoner” a few years ago. There was a suggested scene between Jim’s character and another woman, but it was shot in such a way that it was mostly silhouette.

There is a masterpiece of Italian Cinema, called, “Le notti di Cabiria” Cabiria, played by Giulietta Masina is a prostitute. The film portrays the life of a prostitute, yet there is not one shot of Giulietta Masina in an explicit love scene, or topless.

 

[AuditVocemMeam]

It looks like you two are taking it “slow” when it comes to intimacy - at least holding the act of going native for each other. What I find odd is that she’s more than willing to perform this explicit sex scene because the script calls for it, for whatever reason(s), while you, her beau, needs to wait for anything of such nature.

Small budget movies take anywhere between a month to two months to shoot. Within that duration she’s going native in front of the director, DP and fellow on screen lover and you’ve been dating for nearly a year (and no goodies for you). That’s messed up. Sometimes I don’t “get” the entertainment world.

I am not saying this is the case, but I hope the implication here isn’t “if she does it for them, it’s messed up that she won’t do it for you”. Thank God that hasn’t happened - a mortal sin averted.

For what it’s worth, I would not consider being in a relationship with someone who got naked on camera. That is absolutely intolerable and to say it crosses a line is a massive understatement.

 

[Lasting_faith]

Do we have the right to judge?

 

[quiet52]

Do we have the right to judge?

OP, you’re not being “too” sensitive. And you should be “sensitive” to the mismatch of values between you and your girlfriend. Your feelings of unease are important signals pointing to a something you deeply hold as true – that your girlfriend does not value her chastity. Would this important virtue not be important to you as a married man? Would you not want your spouse to value and live this virtue? How can you trust how she might “justify” away even more explit sexual scenes in the future? Would you want your future children to view their mother in this or any similar so-called form of “art”? Could you watch this movie and truly celebrate the holiness of the woman you love while watching it? Do you believe Jesus would watch the movie?

As has been said, a movie’s story can be told without the explicit sex scenes. The producers want as large a profit as possible, and they know that sex sells better than most story lines. Any actor who participates in an explicit sex scene is cooperating in evil. They are justifying selling their bodies and ignoring God’s call to chastity and self-respect. Just as prostitutes, models for porn magazines, pole dancers and strip teasers sell their bodies. It is easy for your gf to remain blind to her sin by justifying it as “art.”

I think you need to be frank with your girlfriend. You have a right to want to live according to values which we as Christians are to cherish. You cannot control what she does, and if her values don’t correspond with yours, then it’s best that you thank her for the good that the two of you have shared, but allow the relationship to become history. Don’t just rely on “wishful thinking” that she will change her values once you two marry.

I encouarge you to discuss this with issue strongly-orthodox priest who will help you to love God above anyone and anything. That is what husbands and wives deserve from each other the most.

 

[Lasting_faith]

I do not say it is right, but we don’t live in a perfect world. I agree a movie can very easy be made without a sex scene and many are. But the movie makers do not make the movie only to us Catholics. No matter what we do, we must understand that we live in a world where other people may not do what we want them to.

She is not “possessed” by the Devil, she is an actress who maybe could think a bit further when accepting a role, but not everyone is Grace Kelly. Everyone need to start somewhere. (I am not defending her, I am merely pointing out some facts.) Her chastity is not in the line of fire. If she love the OP she will keep it as clean as possible. I understand that you don’t understand it the way I do. If it would be a pure (pure?) porn movie I would say it is wrong. (And yes, I know what The RCC say about a matter like this.) I also understand the agony of her boyfriend, but this is the real world we live in. If they trust each other there is no need for panic. Let us say it would be my girlfriend, I would not like it, but if I could trust her I would also give her the opportunity to maybe be a star one day. We can’t walk around and cover our eyes all the time, we must accept and keep our faith strong.

This will propably be the last nail to my coffin but one of my favorite singers dress sexy, but I like her voice, and it is nice to look at a beutiful thing created by God. Here is the big difference between you “good Catholics” and a sinner like me, I accept the facts, keep my faith strong and have a lot less to worry about. Christ know I am far from perfect, and I maybe never will be, but do you remember the story about the 99 lambs and the lost one? I have nothing but a high respect for you who don’t need to confess once a month, I think it is good we have people like you, but you are safe and have nothing to worry about. I look at a good looking woman, I don’t cover my eyes if I see a nude person in a movie, I don’t watch porn, but because they keep on makin it someone must. I cuss once in a while, I smoke, so I suppose I am the “average sinner” but as said: “if you feel stupid remember that you are in good company”. All of us can not be perfect, and I would be scared to death if I would be perfect because then I would not need Jesus anymore and who would I talk to then? I must look pretty scary in your eyes, and I reckon you would not trust me to date your daughters, well, I am 53 so maybe that would be an issue to, but I live in a real world, fighting tempations with mere faith, and I win most of the times so I must do something right.

And no, I am not being sarcastic. I really admire good people like you. So sorry if I have offended someone. That was not my intention.

 

[freiabereinsam]

I understand exactly how you feel. I, too, would be very upset if I were in a setting like yours. I think that what she is doing is unacceptable, and I don’t accept it as “art”. It’s basically cheating. And if it is part of her career, then she is engaging in sin for a living.

You have to choose whether to keep this going or not, but don’t allow yourself to be browbeaten into acceptance. Do talk to her about how you feel. Does she share your religious beliefs? If so, how can she engage in sins like these and just brush it all off? Why should participation in the entertainment industry require such behavior? Honestly, though, I simply think that the two of you aren’t compatible. You’re more of a private person than she is; you don’t expose yourself so easily. I don’t think you have to change yourself or accept what she’s doing (in fact, I think you shouldn’t). But I do think that this relationship is going to end.

 

[freiabereinsam]

The actress is NOT “doing the same things you and her do in your own bedroom.” She is portraying a CHARACTER who is “doing the same things you and her do in the bedroom.”

There is a huge difference. Keep it straight.

I don’t know what the movie/script was about. I realize it might be a tawdry, meaningless story that contributes nothing to the good of mankind and is little more than graphic porn.

But there are many stories throughout history in which the characters have committed grave and horrible sins, and yet the story has made a positive impact on the world.

An example would be Shakespeare’s “Macbeth.” This story features one of the most evil characters of all time, Lady MacBeth, who exhorts her weak husband to join her in her sins.

Would you say that this story should not be told and is not art because the characters commit sins that are scandalous?

Another example is the canon of stories about Sherlock Holmes (Doyle). The villain Moriarity is a monster. Is an actor who portrays this character doing something wrong? Should a woman reject as a husband an actor who is willing to portray Moriarity?

A more modern example of such a story is Mitchell’s Gone With The Wind. Both the novel and the movie present Scarlett O’Hara, a scheming, selfish woman who is willing to do almost anything to get what she wants. Was Vivian Leigh an evil person because she portrayed this character on the screen?

There are many stories in which women get caught up in sexual sin, and not all of these stories are trash. MANY women here on CAF have no doubt committed sexual sin, and have repented and gone on to live saintly lives. Hearing the stories of these women can be very uplifting to others who are struggling with sins in their own lives.

I think we need to be careful when we make the claim that various works are not “art.” We don’t even know the movie that the OP’s girlfriend was in, and what the story was, and what the motivations of the character are.

But there is a huge difference between the OP’s woman and all of your examples! The OP’s girlfriend, in portraying sexual sin, committed a sexual sin herself (“doing the same things you and her do in your own bedroom” is always sinful, regardless of the motives). That’s quite different from the characters you have listed; no one commits robbery by portraying a robber. Here, the OP’s woman did indeed “(do) the same things you and her do in your own bedroom”. It doesn’t matter what her motive was.

 

[bsf]

I have been misquoted. This is what I posted. My comment was both truncated and inherently altered.

Do you want to be married to someone who accepts money for doing with others some of the same things you and her do in your own bedroom as husband and wife?

…………………………

Do we have the right to judge?

Actions: yes. People: no.

Go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (Matt. 18:15-17)

Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment. (John 7:24)

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. (Matt. 7:1-5)

 

[Peter_Plato]

Do we have the right to judge?

How do you make any determinations about what is right or wrong, practical or not, without making judgements?

Any time you make a decision to do something or not to do something you are making a judgement of some kind. Being a moral human being involves judgements or you would not know what the right thing to do is.

We not only have the right to judge we have the obligation to judge, in the sense of making judgements about what is right and good, wrong and evil.

What we don’t have is the right to condemn, to pass sentence, as in we don’t have the right to make determinations about what others deserve for their behaviour. That is what Jesus meant by not making “judgements.” Not passing judgement as in what a judge does when s/he determines the final outcome or “judgement” or penalty the person deserves for what they have done. That is not ours to determine and what Jesus meant when he said “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.” (Luke 6:37)