Am I being unreasonable?

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Love_is_Patient

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Last night, my fiance tells me he’s found a room to rent - in an apartment with one guy and two girls. He thinks it would be great, because everyone’s friendly and around the same age, it’s not too expensive and it’s a very short drive to where he’s just landed his dream job.

Me, I’m a lot less than enthused about the idea of him living there. And I think he’s a little annoyed that I’m against it. He sees it as no different than living in a coed dorm.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to live with only guys? To think it’s wrong to live with women who are not family?

I ask this because I know I’m frustrated right now and I don’t want to take it out on him. (Long story short, because he had a shot at the dream job, I moved three states away from home and family to try to find a job near him. I can’t find anything in my field and will probably have to take a stop-gap job and commute an hour and a half each way to make ends meet. So when he argues for this apartment because it means a ten minute commute, as opposed to a 20 minute :rolleyes:, I get a little annoyed.)

Thanks for listening to my vent.

❤️ Love is Patient
 
*Not unreasonable. This may sound old fashioned, but I don’t think anyone should ever move for another person, unless the two are married. (and hold separate residences, so someone has to move) But, in the dating/engaged phase…nope. You probably should not have moved three states away for this man. And reason being is because resentment often sets in when plans don’t turn out as planned. You are expecting things now…and rightfully so. You did make a big sacrifice for him without being married to him:o…Even if you didn’t move to be close to him…it would be wrong for him to live with girls …he’s engaged to you. He needs to act like a man about to be married, I think. :o Hope that doesn’t sound rude, not my intent. *
 
no…its not unreasonable…you guys are engaged…him living with other women is somewhat ‘scandalous’…in my POV…

flip it on him…

how would he feel, if you were living with another man? exactly…
 
*I had an old Italian aunt…my dad would take me to spend time with her when I was little. She told it like it is…she said to me…(and I was only 8 lol) "Don’t ever let a man make a fool out of you.’’ (heavy Italian accent added) They didn’t mince words back then.

I don’t think that your fiance’s intentions are bad, but he should put your interests first, not give you a hard time and insist on this. Again, he needs to start behaving like a guy about to be married. *
 
no not being unreasonable. When my husband of 20 years and I got engaged he was living with a room mate (male) who had different girls over all the time and all hrs of the night. He lived there til he was able to get an apt for us as our wedding approached. I totally trusted my husband but did not like the fact that other girls were always around. The devil never sleeps. Let him know you don’t think it’s right and it’s disrespectful to you and your feelings.
 
whatevergirl said:
*Not unreasonable. This may sound old fashioned, but I don’t think anyone should ever move for another person, unless the two are married. (and hold separate residences, so someone has to move) But, in the dating/engaged phase…nope. You probably should not have moved three states away for this man. And reason being is because resentment often sets in when plans don’t turn out as planned. You are expecting things now…and rightfully so. You did make a big sacrifice for him without being married to him:o…Even if you didn’t move to be close to him…it would be wrong for him to live with girls …he’s engaged to you. He needs to act like a man about to be married, I think. :o Hope that doesn’t sound rude, not my intent. *
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No, I don’t think it sounds rude. 😉

I guess I felt like moving was the responsible thing to do. Why find a job in X state when in less than a year, I’ll be living in Y state with him? I don’t think starting our lives together, with me being unemployed, is a good idea.

That’s just how I think, though. I see your point too. 🙂

And thank you for confirming that I’m not being unreasonable. That makes me feel better.

❤️ Love is Patient
 
Love_is_Patient said:
Last night, my fiance tells me he’s found a room to rent - in an apartment with one guy and two girls. He thinks it would be great, because everyone’s friendly and around the same age, it’s not too expensive and it’s a very short drive to where he’s just landed his dream job.

Me, I’m a lot less than enthused about the idea of him living there. And I think he’s a little annoyed that I’m against it. He sees it as no different than living in a coed dorm.

Am I being unreasonable to want him to live with only guys? To think it’s wrong to live with women who are not family?

I ask this because I know I’m frustrated right now and I don’t want to take it out on him. (Long story short, because he had a shot at the dream job, I moved three states away from home and family to try to find a job near him. I can’t find anything in my field and will probably have to take a stop-gap job and commute an hour and a half each way to make ends meet. So when he argues for this apartment because it means a ten minute commute, as opposed to a 20 minute :rolleyes:, I get a little annoyed.)

Thanks for listening to my vent.

❤️ Love is Patient
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You are not unreasonable at all. he should respect you and respect himslef enough not to put himslef into this situation.
 
I think maybe you are being unreasonable and - perhaps - this is misplaced anger at the entire move/job situation. Look deeply within and evaluate your motives before you bring this to a heated discussion.

If they are really only room-mates, and there are 2 guys and 2 girls and it is just a shared house, I think it may not be ideal, but I don’t know that it is bad.

Do you believe your fiance has romantic interest in anyone else? Do you fear he will fall to temptation? If so, perhaps you should re-evaluate your engagement and determine if he is the right one and if he is ready for marriage.
 
1ke said:
No, this is not unreasonable.
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Thanks.
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dwatcar1:
no not being unreasonable. When my husband of 20 years and I got engaged he was living with a room mate (male) who had different girls over all the time and all hrs of the night. He lived there til he was able to get an apt for us as our wedding approached. I totally trusted my husband but did not like the fact that other girls were always around. The devil never sleeps. Let him know you don’t think it’s right and it’s disrespectful to you and your feelings.
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I think you hit the nail - I trust him completely, but I do feel a little he is being disrespectful and needs to (like whatevergirl said) step up and act like a man about to get married.

❤️ Love is Patient
 
ChosenAndCalled said:
I think maybe you are being unreasonable and - perhaps - this is misplaced anger at the entire move/job situation. Look deeply within and evaluate your motives before you bring this to a heated discussion.

If they are really only room-mates, and there are 2 guys and 2 girls and it is just a shared house, I think it may not be ideal, but I don’t know that it is bad.

Do you believe your fiance has romantic interest in anyone else? Do you fear he will fall to temptation? If so, perhaps you should re-evaluate your engagement and determine if he is the right one and if he is ready for marriage.
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No, I trust him completely. That’s not the issue.
 
*It’s not about trust. It’s about a man acting like he is about to be married.

If your gut is screaming to you, that this is a bad idea…then follow that ‘sense.’ These are just my opinions, I pray things work out, and he doesn’t choose this. If he choose this knowing it bothers you, that might be a red flag that I wouldn’t ignore if I were you. Hope he sees that it’s not a wise thing to do, on his own. :o*
 
Love_is_Patient said:
Thanks.

I think you hit the nail - I trust him completely, but I do feel a little he is being disrespectful and needs to (like whatevergirl said) step up and act like a man about to get married.

❤️ Love is Patient
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Yes. Chivalry is not dead, tell him. Men 60 or so years ago would never have suggested this. :knight2:

Don’t ever sweep gut feelings that scream out to you, under the carpet. For anyone. This isn’t something minor…you’re soon to be married, his decisions affect you and him, together. I really hope you don’t have to go to the mattresses over this…Remember…chivalry is not dead! Pass it on. 😃
 
I disagree with most posters. My fiance had a platonic female roommate before he moved to be closer to me. It saved him a lot of money, and I think the feminine presence helped keep the house clean 😃 She was an immigrant, and her family was thrilled there was a “man around” for safety.

I know the pervasive attitude is “he needs to act like a man preparing for marriage”, but perhaps he wants to save some money (the more roommates, the cheaper) and be around folks he already knows he likes. I don’t think that is asking too much, really.

Has this come up in your pre-cana counseling yet? It seems like that would be a good opportunity to air it all out.
 
I think it’s insignifigant wheather his room mates are girls or guys, the most important question is are they well behaved?
 
Your fiance should not be living with any females outside of marriage unless they are his sisters.
 
I think you’re having issues with the fact that you made such a huge sacrifice for him.

Out of curiosity, what is this dream job he got that was worth ruining your prospects at having a good job and having you give up being near your family and friends?

Did he push you into moving, or did you want to? Do you resent him for moving and is this “living with female roommates” thing just an easier place to take your resentment out on him?

Is he concerned about your work situation? Does he feel at all bad that you now cant find work in your field? Is he being sympathetic about it? Does he appreciate the huge sacrifice you made for him?

I don’t know how many people would be willing to do what you did. I don’t think I would have ever moved to give up everything the way you did.
 
flyingfish said:
I think you’re having issues with the fact that you made such a huge sacrifice for him.
Out of curiosity, what is this dream job he got that was worth ruining your prospects at having a good job and having you give up being near your family and friends?
I don’t know how many people would be willing to do what you did. I don’t think I would have ever moved to give up everything the way you did.
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which is all the more reason he should be considering her feelings in the matter, and not brushing it off with, ‘oh its just like a COED dorm’…the first reason being that your his fiance…the second being that your already making sacrifices, that maybe some wouldnt make on his behalf…he, surely, could make some sacrifice too?? out of respect for his future wife?? i mean, these are strangers…they should mean nothing to him? it shouldnt even be a hard decision to make…its not like your asking him to never speak to his sister again or something…
 
*I agree Charlotte… and the whole moving three states away thing, I didn’t mean to imply that ok you did this, now he owes you. No…not at all. (I just wanted to clarify that) But, it still should be magnified in your fiance’s mind the great lengths you have gone for him…and this is a small request compared to that. Again, if he discards your feelings, and moves in with this bunch…it would be a red flag to me. If he does that, I can’t help but wonder if he feels you’re stuck, since you moved so far for him, and you won’t grumble about it. You should have consulted us in another thread, about moving! 😃 Kidding.

I hope things work out!*
 
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