Am I being unreasonable?

[MJJean]

Now I’m even more sad and confused. It’s like the more I try to explain, the worse it seems and that’s a hard thing to face. What if he just screwed up out of fear and I go and leave and it could have been something worthwhile? I just don’t know what to do. Seems like no matter what I do someone gets hurts. I get hurt either way.

People who are emotionally involved have great capacity for self deception. They rationalize and make excuses because seeing the reality of their situation is painful. When you came here and started putting things in black and white it became harder to deceive yourself. You’ve had a glimmer of the reality of your situation.

If it’s too personal you are free to not answer, but please at least think about it. Are you having sex with this man? Sex releases chemicals and hormones that cause us to feel intensely for our partners. Some of the same hormones released are the ones women release when caring for infants to increase bonding. If you’re having sex with him you aren’t thinking clearly. You’re basically drunk on hormones and it’s clouding your judgement. If you are having sex with him, try abstaining for a couple of months and reexamine your position with a more clear head.

No matter what you do, someone will get hurt is right. The question is how badly and for how long. If you marry this man with his established pattern of behavior he is going to hurt you over and over.Added to that is all of the difficulty associated with getting the kids straightened out and the strife that will cause between you and him, you and the kids, and you and the mother(s) that are still involved to some degree. It will make for a very difficult marriage and the kids will be watching it all.

Frankly, if the kids are unruly and undisciplined and their fathers life is a mess he shouldn’t be in a relationship with anybody. He should be devoting all his time and energies to getting his life and his kids straightened out before he even considers dating, much less marrying.

 

[EasterJoy]

OP, you might ask him, when talking about your intention to get some counselling in order to know your own mind, whether he has sat down with a counsellor to sort out his own past. As you are finding, a listener can sometimes find “plot problems” in the stories you tell yourself. They can challenge you to question your interpretation of what happened.

Again: the military analyzes missions to death after the fact, especially missions that don’t achieve their goal. They look at “near misses.” Neither of you wants to crash again. Do your homework, be ready to open your minds to learn something, and if you decide on a mission together, go into it with more than just courage. Courage is required, but courage alone isn’t enough. It is as true in love as in war, and as true in farming as in soldiering.