Am I crazy or trapped in time or what?

[gambino]

Ok, so hopefully that title doesn’t freak you out…read on.

I haven’t posted in a long time. But some of you probably remember my situation. I’ve been divorced for over a year now. I haven’t talked to my wife in almost a year and 1/2. I’ve made no attempt to contact her after the divorce was final. Despite my overtures before the divorce, it stayed bad and she pushed to have a no contact order in the final decree for really no good reason. It was eventually removed from the final decree but I’ve decided that its not my place to press someone who wanted out of something so bad. The ball is in her court.

As horrible as divorce has been, I’ve grown closer to God through the process. He has blessed me with grace and love to at least sustain me. I’d probably be dead with pain right now if it wasn’t for the mentorship and love of my family, friends and clergy. Every single priest I’ve talked to said I should explore an annulment b/c of the circumstances-how she disappeared, apparent affair, her issues growing up, sexuality issues, etc. But I just can’t. Instead, when I read the Bible, I see how God gave us heroic examples of faithfulness in examples like Hosea and his wife (a prostitute) and God himself stayed faithful to Israel and even called her his “adulterous bride” at one point. Something about that inspires me just a little bit to not give up because deep down, I still believe in my commitment and the permanency of the sacrament. Part of me feels that my constant prayer for her might help her return to the beautiful person I know she is deep inside and shed this horrible life she’s adopted. I also get this sinking feeling that I might really be the only one praying for her right now.

But the bottom line is I’m stuck. I don’t really like where my life is right now and I feel like I’m missing out on the best years of my life. Here I am young, smart, well educated, healthy, have a good job and dare I say even a developing faith life. I have to admit that there have even been a couple of girls interested in me and I could see myself falling for them in another time and place. Like good, holy Catholic girls too. And yet, I’ve pushed them away as nice as I could without giving the whole painful story or revealing the scarlet letter of being divorced.

Through this process, I’ve lost so much that was so important to me. I’ve lost my best friend and even my dog! My heart still aches for her though because I truly understand the reading that was at our wedding mass of how “two flesh become one”. Despite wanting to back away and explore other “opportunities”, I just can’t. I really the miss intimacy, the friendship and the love but still have this odd sense of hope when there really seems to be none. Sure, I’d love to move on, but it doesn’t feel right. My parents think I’m crazy and most of my aquantences think I’ve successfully moved on from this mess. But I haven’t, I don’t date, even rarely put myself in situations alone with a girl and do my best to stay faithful to my vow even if my partner is completely absent. I pretty much act like I’m still married, just without a ring (that unfortunately I lost last year).

I’m just saying that I’m still really confused. I’ve done plenty of counseling and it still fails to resolve this question in the deepest part of my heart. Is there really any reason for hope? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and not pursued an annulment even though they knew the validity of the marriage could easily be questioned? Am I delusional to hang on to scraps of what was once a holy marriage?

Gambino

PS- As a side note, I can’t say enough about the pain of a divorce. For anyone considering it, stop. It is sooo horrible and not what God wants. “God hates divorce.” and God hates things like divorce that hurt us. Just my 2 cents.

 

[whatevergirl]

((HUGS)) to you gambino…I remember your story. I’m sorry again, for your divorce. My sister went through a divorce, and we just had a close friend go through one, and yes, horrible…painful. Like a death, in a way. It will take time for you to grieve the loss of your marriage. You might feel sadness, then anger, than angst, then oddly…elation. It’s all part of the grief process. Could you please say a prayer for my nephew? He just found out his wife cheated on him recently, and he is heartbroken, and confused. He is not strong in his faith…on so many levels, please pray for them.

I will keep you in my prayers…nice to see you are growing in holiness, and in your faith. Glad to see your note tonight! Take care, and have a nice Easter!

 

[moon1234]

Ok, so hopefully that title doesn’t freak you out…read on.

I haven’t posted in a long time. But some of you probably remember my situation. I’ve been divorced for over a year now. I haven’t talked to my wife in almost a year and 1/2. I’ve made no attempt to contact her after the divorce was final. Despite my overtures before the divorce, it stayed bad and she pushed to have a no contact order in the final decree for really no good reason. It was eventually removed from the final decree but I’ve decided that its not my place to press someone who wanted out of something so bad. The ball is in her court.

As horrible as divorce has been, I’ve grown closer to God through the process. He has blessed me with grace and love to at least sustain me. I’d probably be dead with pain right now if it wasn’t for the mentorship and love of my family, friends and clergy. Every single priest I’ve talked to said I should explore an annulment b/c of the circumstances-how she disappeared, apparent affair, her issues growing up, sexuality issues, etc. But I just can’t. Instead, when I read the Bible, I see how God gave us heroic examples of faithfulness in examples like Hosea and his wife (a prostitute) and God himself stayed faithful to Israel and even called her his “adulterous bride” at one point. Something about that inspires me just a little bit to not give up because deep down, I still believe in my commitment and the permanency of the sacrament. Part of me feels that my constant prayer for her might help her return to the beautiful person I know she is deep inside and shed this horrible life she’s adopted. I also get this sinking feeling that I might really be the only one praying for her right now.

But the bottom line is I’m stuck. I don’t really like where my life is right now and I feel like I’m missing out on the best years of my life. Here I am young, smart, well educated, healthy, have a good job and dare I say even a developing faith life. I have to admit that there have even been a couple of girls interested in me and I could see myself falling for them in another time and place. Like good, holy Catholic girls too. And yet, I’ve pushed them away as nice as I could without giving the whole painful story or revealing the scarlet letter of being divorced.

Through this process, I’ve lost so much that was so important to me. I’ve lost my best friend and even my dog! My heart still aches for her though because I truly understand the reading that was at our wedding mass of how “two flesh become one”. Despite wanting to back away and explore other “opportunities”, I just can’t. I really the miss intimacy, the friendship and the love but still have this odd sense of hope when there really seems to be none. Sure, I’d love to move on, but it doesn’t feel right. My parents think I’m crazy and most of my aquantences think I’ve successfully moved on from this mess. But I haven’t, I don’t date, even rarely put myself in situations alone with a girl and do my best to stay faithful to my vow even if my partner is completely absent. I pretty much act like I’m still married, just without a ring (that unfortunately I lost last year).

I’m just saying that I’m still really confused. I’ve done plenty of counseling and it still fails to resolve this question in the deepest part of my heart. Is there really any reason for hope? Has anyone else been in a similar situation and not pursued an annulment even though they knew the validity of the marriage could easily be questioned? Am I delusional to hang on to scraps of what was once a holy marriage?

Gambino

PS- As a side note, I can’t say enough about the pain of a divorce. For anyone considering it, stop. It is sooo horrible and not what God wants. “God hates divorce.” and God hates things like divorce that hurt us. Just my 2 cents.

Maybe meet with a few of the clergy that you spoke with in the past. Allow them to help you through this. Trust that they will help you to do the right thing. Whenever a person is under stress it helps to lean on those that you trust and allow them to help you make decisions. It is much easier for those on the outside looking in to help you through a situation that seems impossible. They may be able to see solutions that you didn’t or wouldn’t consider.

 

[The_Catechumen]

I personally know very little about divorce, having never been married myself and having been raised by reasonably stable parents. However, as a funeral director it’s as plain as day that you’re experiencing a profound grief response to the loss of your marriage. Yes, it’s very much possible to grieve over things other than death, especially when these things hold a great deal of meaning and purpose in one’s life.

There are two critical things that you should understand about grief. First of all, it’s a process – a perfectly normal process that takes time to work through. Nobody should be denied the opportunity to bring closure to loss, as it seems has happened here with the “no contact” order you mentioned. The second thing to know is that acceptance comes at the end of grief. This is to say that it has an endpoint where remembrance overcomes sadness, and hope overcomes hopelessness.

Everyone goes through grief in their own way. You need to understand and confront the obstacles that have come in your path. Let me ask you a few questions; you don’t have to answer them to me or this thread, though I believe it will be beneficial to ask these to yourself in an honest manner.

*Do you see hope in this situation? If so, why?
*If the answer to why is plainly irrational or simply unknown, then could you characterize it as false hope?
*If you do see a true glimmer of hope in the situation, then what would it take for you to build upon it into something useful and positive, rather than wait for it to build upon itself?
*What is more important to you: your future or your past?
*If your past, then what can you do to honor your previous commitments in a manner that will ease your hardships in the present and project an improved self into the future?
*If your future, then what can you do now to ensure your well-being and happiness in the time to come?
*How much emotional strain are you experiencing now compared to a year ago when the divorce process was taking place?
*If more or the same, then please close this thread and seek professional advice. (this is not a question.)
*If less, then what can you do to let go of the remainder of the strain in order to lead a better life?
*Are you active physically? Do you play sports and/or exercise regularly, or have you developed an intimate relationship with your couch?
*Have you been experiencing depression lasting more than two consecutive months?
*If so, then close this thread and seek professional advice. (this is not a question either.)
*Otherwise, then are you aware that short bouts of depression lasting a few days or weeks are a normal physiological reaction to high stress situations, which works itself out in the overwhelming majority of people?

I know some of these questions are leading. I also think you know what you can do in order to let go of the last vestiges of this traumatic experience and be better off for it. Whatever comes, know that angels and saints pray for you, and that the Lord is with you in all your endeavors.

Best of luck to you.

 

[monicatholic]

gambino,
it’s possible that you are the only person alive who is praying for your ex-wife by name, recalling her face, remembering her personality, hoping for healing and conversion.

surely, there are many people, from custodians to cloisters who are praying for her generally, but you may be the only one who does personally, specifically.

i believe that some of the people in my life with whom i’ve had the worst experiences (and terrible experiences like yours) are people for whom God would have me pray the rest of my life. Mother Theresa said, “God puts people in our lives so we can do something for them.” sometimes, especially with people who do not want my love, prayer is the only and best something i can do for them.

i’m obligated to them in prayer, but not obligated to them in every-day living.

please consider embarking on the annulment process. take it slow. approach it with the intent that it will be discovery for you, that it will be an avenue of grace and healing for you.

you are in an unhappy and excruciating place. take what’s good and holy-- your trust in God, your prayer commitment to her, your family and friends’ love-- and move forward with God. embark upon the annulment process, not with an eye toward making something end, but with an eye toward making something new.

stay close to people who love you and who will listen and accept your feelings. mostly stay close to the Lord, who loves you beyond imagining.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Gambino, I also know what you are going through. Divorce is worse than death. God let people die, but He abhors divorce. When you are divorced, you can’t say “It was God’s will. They are in a better place.” I call it the widowhood of the damned. It leaves scars worse than death because people can’t help if they die, but they sure can help if they reject everything you had to offer them.

I suggest you pursue a decree of nullity. You need to have your attempt at marriage investigated to see if there really was any marriage. Or whether you are hanging on to a fantasy. You cannot believe the healing and personal discovery that goes with the in-depth annulment process. It may clarify things for you.

Yes, as far as you know, you still are married right now. You have no business dating. You are doing right. And you are too wounded right now to even think of dating anyone else. It would not be fair to a good devout woman for you to get involved right now. This time isn’t going to waste though. You are concentrating on the most important relationship in your life, the relationship with your Creator.

Monica is right. You have to pray for her. You may be the only one. But that doesn’t mean you owe her anything more than prayers. You also owe yourself something. You owe yourself the truth. Go find it. Call your priest. Start the paperwork. Normal healthy solid marriages don’t just “end” like that. Like well-built architecturally sound buildings just don’t collapse in on themselves for no reason.

If she believed marriage was till death do you part, she’d still be with you working on it. That’s a good starting point for a decree of nullity. Did she REALLY believe marriage was exclusive and perpetual? If one or both of those was lacking when you got married, you did not have a full consent of the will. You did not have a marriage.

 

[mozier]

I will vouch for what has been said above, about praying for someone whom, much to your surprise, you still find love in your heart. You pray specifically for them even though they have hurt you terribly. I have an ex-girlfriend like that, and believe me I have every reason in the world to hate her. Yet I just cannot do that, for as God has forgiven me, so must I forgive her. It is like Joseph in the Old Testament — things happened to you, but they happened for a reason and you eventually find yourself in a much better place that you never would have gotten to unless you had experienced the pain this person put you through.

So please, don’t go for an annulment for the time being. This has not been played out just yet. What will you do if your wife comes crawling back to you in sincere repentence? If she does, then it will be because you prayed for her. If not, then in time the Holy Spirit will guide you on what to do, whether to go on with or without an annulment. Just continue on the path you are on, for it is right to do so. God bless you, Gambino.

 

[IrishAm]

I went through the annulment process for only one reason – to know my status in the eyes of the church. I felt comfortable after my divorce living my life as if I were a married woman, but also knew that God may (or may not) have other plans for me and I had to know if I were free to pursue a relationship should one appear.

The unexpected consequences of the process was how very healing it was for me. In the end (the process took three years), the Tribunal decided that there had never been a sacramental marriage. But, had they found there was, that would have been okay, too . . .

 

[Island_Oak]

It sounds like your heart’s been broken. I’ll say a prayer for you that it starts healing. Be patient. . .I’ve heard it can take a long time. . .

 

[Tietjen]

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and not pursued an annulment even though they knew the validity of the marriage could easily be questioned? Am I delusional to hang on to scraps of what was once a holy marriage?

Gambino

PS- As a side note, I can’t say enough about the pain of a divorce. For anyone considering it, stop. It is sooo horrible and not what God wants. “God hates divorce.” and God hates things like divorce that hurt us. Just my 2 cents.

I’ve been living in a similar situation now for several years. My wife and I are divorced, but unlike your situation, we remained friends and stayed in contact. The whole time, in the back of my mind I was hoping and praying for reconciliation. I’d get my hopes up time and again only to have them dashed on the curbside. Finally, I told my wife, I’ll be here when and if you are ever ready to work on fixing our marriage. She hasn’t contacted me since. After the divorce I did fill out the paperwork for a petition of nullity. I prayed over it and told myself, “if this is the way it is supposed to be God, then your will be done.” I had decided then and there to leave it to God and accept whatever the Church decided as far as the annulment went. A short time after I submitted the paperwork, I received my answer… there is no grounds to believe that the marriage is invalid. So, I remain married to a wife who has walked away from me, and the Church in order to “find herself” and pursue the “pleasures” of being single; this, after 20 years of marriage. I still wear my wedding band. I continue to be faithful and wait patiently for a miracle. Like you, most people believe that I have moved on. They’re wrong. What God has joined, no man can put asunder. Even men wearing black robes and banging gavels from a bench.

 

[Ailina]

Hi Gambino,

You are not crazy. You are still grieving. It takes time, and you can’t speed up the process. My marriage ended a few years ago, I have been divorced for a year, but the pain is still there, only not every day like before. Some days are actually pain-free now. It is the days when I see and talk to my former spouse that the pain floods back. Although I don’t wish him dead, I can see how divorce can sometimes seem worse than if he had just died.

This wasn’t where I thought my life would be, but like you, I had a spouse who didn’t understand what a marriage was about. So I did apply for an annulment. Not because I want to date (I don’t…I have three kids who are at the perfect age to hate any potential step-parent), but because I want to know if the Tribunal sees something that I didn’t. I don’t want to live in this in-between state of “Am I still married even though my spouse abandoned me?” I need to know an answer one way or the other. It sometimes feels like I’m in purgatory. But not always, especially when I remember how bad my marriage was at the end. That was hell, figuratively speaking!