Am I deceived?

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Victoria_ybarra

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This is my first post onto Catholic forums. It’s usually my husband the one doing this. There has been a continuing issue with my husband and I, and I am now trying to seek answers. We are both ex Protestants. My husband is returning, and I am converting to the Catholic faith. For as long as I’ve known him, my husband has had an intense interest in studying theology, and he has over time accumulated a good amount of knowledge and details about the Catholic faith. This is one if the many things I admire about him, and he is a very good teacher.

I myself was brought to the faith through my husband. I am a stay at home mom of two boys, 5 and 5 months. As you can probably imagine, my days are filled with taking care of my children, the house, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, etc. I try to find time (and I have been getting better) to have my own private daily devotions. And almost every evening my and my husband read the catechism together and have discussions and ask questions. We also discuss spiritual things at any given point of any day. I pray with my 5 year old everyday, and try to teach him the faith. Not to mention mass every Sunday.

My husband is troubled because he believes I should be more knowledgable in theological matters than I am, and he believes this is a reason to doubt me and my spiritual motives. This typically causes him to be very upset and causes us to argue. It has even at times caused him to claim that I am lost. I have told him that I believe he is expecting too much from me, and that there is no way I can be as diligent in theological studies as he wants me to be, and fulfill all of my motherly and wifely duties. Please help me, should I be concerned over my spiritual state?
 
Welcome Victoria,

Your husband is wonderfully devout and clearly has a good mind.
We can only pray that he will also come to understand that God’s creation is made up of many different people with different talents and different functions and graces.

What comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 12. The Body of Christ is made of many parts. Perhaps we should think of your husband as part of the brain, you of the heart.

Knowledge of God can be of facts and scripture but it can also be infused.
And it is important to accept Jesus words regarding little children in Matthew 18
Matthew 18

The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

18 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”

2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

Your husband’s personality cannot but accept what he believes, but we are not all the same, and all the knowledge in the world won’t save us, love will.

Remember Matthew 25 verses 31-46. What criteria does Jesus God, Son of God, Judge of souls use as His criteria? Practical acts of kindness.

Victoria of course it is wonderful that you are deeply studying our faith with your husband, but do know that your husband is guided by faith and good intentions, but also by his natural personality.

I think you’re wonderful, doing your best to learn the faith, but knowing it’s a gift from God, manifest in loving care of those whom God entrusts to you. And it is God who sees your heart. It is God who knows your sincerity and only God has the right to judge you. It can’t be easy for you sometimes. It’s hard sometimes with those with standards that the rest of us aren’t created to handle, but instead use the grace of love and spiritual infused insight that God places in our hearts.

If we must know everything to be good Catholics, then God have mercy on all who are learning-challenged! It helps to smile a little to yourself. When you are sad and feeling misunderstood, perhaps think of yourself as a little child leaning her head against Jesus’ shoulder

Love and prayer,

Trishie
 
The Catholic faith is a relationship not a dogma. I have done some work at the MA level in theology and all theology is about is “creating meaning” from whatever theological perspective (post-modern, eco-theology, feminist theology, systemic theology even queer theology); I find it helpful but not necessary to understand and grow within the richness of our catechism.

Our faith does not come from the mind but the heart…and Pope Francis said this week to a group of women who are having a conference sponsored by the Pontificate Council of the Laity (on the role of women) is that women have a strong gift in experiential knowledge that is unique to women and I imagine this has a lot to do with giving life…an experience that I will never have nor pretend to understand.

I hope that you and your husband can work towards mutual respect of different ways of knowing…his strength is academic, your strength is experiential…go with it 🙂

And oh yeah - on being decieved - my answer to you is “no”. 🙂
Bruce Ferguson
Trickster
 
Trishie said:
Welcome Victoria,

Your husband is wonderfully devout and clearly has a good mind.
We can only pray that he will also come to understand that God’s creation is made up of many different people with different talents and different functions and graces.

What comes to mind is 1 Corinthians 12. The Body of Christ is made of many parts. Perhaps we should think of your husband as part of the brain, you of the heart.

Knowledge of God can be of facts and scripture but it can also be infused.
And it is important to accept Jesus words regarding little children in Matthew 18
Matthew 18

The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

18 At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?”

2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

Your husband’s personality cannot but accept what he believes, but we are not all the same, and all the knowledge in the world won’t save us, love will.

Remember Matthew 25 verses 31-46. What criteria does Jesus God, Son of God, Judge of souls use as His criteria? Practical acts of kindness.

Victoria of course it is wonderful that you are deeply studying our faith with your husband, but do know that your husband is guided by faith and good intentions, but also by his natural personality.

I think you’re wonderful, doing your best to learn the faith, but knowing it’s a gift from God, manifest in loving care of those whom God entrusts to you. And it is God who sees your heart. It is God who knows your sincerity and only God has the right to judge you. It can’t be easy for you sometimes. It’s hard sometimes with those with standards that the rest of us aren’t created to handle, but instead use the grace of love and spiritual infused insight that God places in our hearts.

If we must know everything to be good Catholics, then God have mercy on all who are learning-challenged! It helps to smile a little to yourself. When you are sad and feeling misunderstood, perhaps think of yourself as a little child leaning her head against Jesus’ shoulder

Love and prayer,

Trishie
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Bravo! Amazing answer!
 
You sound like a wonderful wife and mother. Realize that everyone has a different spirituality. (It sounds like you already do.) Some people need to know everything. Some need to feel everything. Some have lots of devotions, some have almost none. It’s all okay.

Perhaps try this. Pray to St Therese the Little Flower. Look into her spirituality. See if anything stands out to you in her “Little Way”, I’m thinking it will. Try this link littleflower.org/abouttherese/learn/stThereseLittle.asp Maybe if you feel drawn that way, and if the time ever seems right, you can share it with your husband. If the situation continues, and you feel you need more suggestions, maybe talking to a priest together might help.

God Bless your family!
 
Of course your husband should not be judging you or trying to make you into his star pupil. Please refuse to argue with him. Everyone has their own spiritual journey. Maybe you to can talk to your pastor if this is a continuing issue.
 
I think Trishie has just about said it all. See 1 Corinthians 12.

You wrote:
Victoria_ybarra said:
… I have told him that I believe he is expecting too much from me, and that there is no way I can be as diligent in theological studies as he wants me to be, and fulfill all of my motherly and wifely duties…
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I think you are exactly right about that. You are not deceived.

I pray for harmony and much love in your marriage, and for blessings upon your family.
 
Wow, you’re more devoted than I am, and I’m a cradle Catholic.
 
Victoria_ybarra said:
This is my first post onto Catholic forums. It’s usually my husband the one doing this. There has been a continuing issue with my husband and I, and I am now trying to seek answers. We are both ex Protestants. My husband is returning, and I am converting to the Catholic faith. For as long as I’ve known him, my husband has had an intense interest in studying theology, and he has over time accumulated a good amount of knowledge and details about the Catholic faith. This is one if the many things I admire about him, and he is a very good teacher.

I myself was brought to the faith through my husband. I am a stay at home mom of two boys, 5 and 5 months. As you can probably imagine, my days are filled with taking care of my children, the house, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, etc. I try to find time (and I have been getting better) to have my own private daily devotions. And almost every evening my and my husband read the catechism together and have discussions and ask questions. We also discuss spiritual things at any given point of any day. I pray with my 5 year old everyday, and try to teach him the faith. Not to mention mass every Sunday.

My husband is troubled because he believes I should be more knowledgable in theological matters than I am, and he believes this is a reason to doubt me and my spiritual motives. This typically causes him to be very upset and causes us to argue. It has even at times caused him to claim that I am lost. I have told him that I believe he is expecting too much from me, and that there is no way I can be as diligent in theological studies as he wants me to be, and fulfill all of my motherly and wifely duties. Please help me, should I be concerned over my spiritual state?
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Claiming that someone is “lost” (i.e., not truly born again) is one of the nastier habits of evangelical Protestants. I don’t think Catholicism allows for it. The Catholic equivalent would be “not in a state of grace,” and that’s not a judgment one human being can make about another. If your husband sees you committing some serious sin (or vice versa, of course), he’d be right to point this out to you lovingly (or you to him). But saying that someone doesn’t have a right relationship with God because they aren’t well-versed in theology? Sorry for the insult to your husband, but that’s just abominable.

Edwin
 
Victoria_ybarra said:
This is my first post onto Catholic forums. It’s usually my husband the one doing this. There has been a continuing issue with my husband and I, and I am now trying to seek answers. We are both ex Protestants. My husband is returning, and I am converting to the Catholic faith. For as long as I’ve known him, my husband has had an intense interest in studying theology, and he has over time accumulated a good amount of knowledge and details about the Catholic faith. This is one if the many things I admire about him, and he is a very good teacher.

I myself was brought to the faith through my husband. I am a stay at home mom of two boys, 5 and 5 months. As you can probably imagine, my days are filled with taking care of my children, the house, cooking, laundry, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, etc. I try to find time (and I have been getting better) to have my own private daily devotions. And almost every evening my and my husband read the catechism together and have discussions and ask questions. We also discuss spiritual things at any given point of any day. I pray with my 5 year old everyday, and try to teach him the faith. Not to mention mass every Sunday.

My husband is troubled because he believes I should be more knowledgable in theological matters than I am, and he believes this is a reason to doubt me and my spiritual motives. This typically causes him to be very upset and causes us to argue. It has even at times caused him to claim that I am lost. I have told him that I believe he is expecting too much from me, and that there is no way I can be as diligent in theological studies as he wants me to be, and fulfill all of my motherly and wifely duties. Please help me, should I be concerned over my spiritual state?
Click to expand...
First of all, remember this, and pray that your husband learns this: Not all saints were scholars. In fact, those saints considered theological scholars (the so-called “doctors of the church”) are actually a very small portion of saints. Many saints are known more for their simplicity than for their theology. St. Monica, the mother of St. Augustine, is known primarily for crying herself to sleep nightly in prayer for her son’s conversion. The Blessed Virgin Mary was not educated much at all (except in how to follow God’s commands), and was only about 14 years old at the time of the annunciation. St. Isidore was a peasant farmer. There are many more examples. The most important thing is to follow Jesus with all of your heart. In fact, you do not need to be able to understand all of the why of Church teaching - just accept that the Church is divinely guided and accept the teachings of the Church as the teachings of Christ. Oh, and remember - part of your husband’s deal, and one we men struggle with, is the fact that we men can get a bit, how should I say it, thick-headed in our own zeal for Truth and knowledge, and can get annoyed when other people don’t get it (especially in our own families). We can sometimes expect others in our families to know what we do just because they live with us.
 
St Joseph of Cupertino was a poor scholar despite his efforts, and Saint John Vianney the patron of parish priests, the Cure of Ars, had great difficulty in studying for the priesthood. Blessed Louis Martin couldn’t keep up with the studies for priesthood, but instead became the husband of Zelie Martin, also beatified, and became the father of a Saint and Doctor of the Church, Saint Therese of Lisieux…

They loved, and served others, according to their vocations as married person or priest.
Wonderful to know our faith, better still to live it,

1 Corinthians 13

13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Be kind to yourself because God loves you, and be kind to your husband because he is trying so very hard, though there are things that even with all his study he does not know or he fails to understand. Our brains are not all ‘wired’ the same. One might think that you need to discuss the issue of his sincere but mistaken attitude to you with a trusted third person, perhaps your priest, to help provide the balance, but depending upon your husband’s mind and personality that might not work either, so you need to be secure within yourself in God’s love for you, knowing that He is pleased with you, because the best you can manage, [note, ''manage"] you are living your vocation as a child of God, a mother, a wife.

Thanks for the kind comments Skyhighblue34 and Beryllos
 
I’d explain to your husband that you are his WIFE not his RCIA club project. Your relationship with God is ultimately between you and God. If your husband is half as christian as he thinks YOU should be, he might consider working really hard at becoming less interested in judging you and finding you lacking and more interested in analyzing his own soul. Perhaps with his vast theological knowledge, he could discover what is ill inside himself that makes him feel a need to criticize and judge you–something Jesus spoke of quite negatively–and in attempting to find you somehow lacking. 🤷
 
No, you’re not deceived at all. you just have different time constraints than your hubby and he needs to understand that.

I can suggest a good resource that will allow you to have a good understanding of the faith and equip you to be able to essentially explain most of the questions that anyone might pose to you.

Ask you hubby to get you the shop.catholic.com/media/catalog/product/cache/1/small_image/135x/9df78eab33525d08d6e5fb8d27136e95/b/e/beginapol_bundle.jpg Beginning Apologetics Super Set
Code: 
                                       Special Price:                                      $54.95
It is a series of very good but convenient booklets that will fill in a lot of blanks.

I have them all and they have been an invaluable resource and were very easy to read and understand. I simply studied mine with a highlighter in hand and a pen close by to make any notes I wanted in the margins or in the back. :).

The nice thing is that you can take it all at your own pace, which means you’ll absorb and retain a lot more. 👍
 
Your husband needs to chill out about the issue. People don’t do everything at the same pace.
 
Sounds like you are doing the work of the Lord to me! Your family, and the raising of your children in faith is your ministry now! Pray for your husband’s understanding, stay strong in your faith, and God bless you!
 
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