Am I enabling my husband's irresponsibility?

[gardenswithkids]

…I used to make his lunches and breakfasts to take with him before he left. I can’t now. I can’t even open the refrigerator door without getting sick. … I’ve been too tired to mention anything to him. I only want to sleep. The nausea is beginning to wear off but I am still sick and can’t keep much down. I throw up and go back to bed. It’s so hard to be here by myself with my toddler son …

Congratulations on your pregnancy also. It sounds like your pregnancy symptoms have been difficult. I got tired in my first trimesters, but rarely had nausea as bad as what you describe. I pray you feel better soon.

…Gardens, I haven’t been complaining to him at all. When we were married I made a vow to myself never to nag him and I’ve remained true to that vow. …I have to be very specific and tell him, ‘do this, do that’ …I guess I was wondering if there was a technique to use to talk to him without him throwing it back at me. Somehow he always defends himself to the point that I wonder what my original argument was. … I try not to be accusatory but he takes it that way. …Now I’m so ill I can’t watch him closely. …

Forgive me if I jumped to the conclusion you were nagging and complaining HOWEVER, what you wrote here still leads me to conclude you may nag without even realizing it. Or at least he may perceive it as nagging and complaining if he gets defensive. Maybe he has problems left over from his youth or something else that needs to be dealt with through counseling, but even you write that he “defends himself”.

…I don’t have access to our bank account. I used to because the password was saved, but he changed the operating system on the computer and I don’t know it. He pays the bills online as a result. …I was thinking of just writing checks and mailing in the bills we receive. I don’t think he would mind this idea. …Yes, he was sloppy and forgot to pay some bills before we were married…

KCT brings up a good point. There is a HUGE difference between forgetting to tell you vs. purposefully keeping it from you. I’ll also raise the point that if you have simply been too sick to learn a new operating system on the computer, when you feel better it’s time for you learn it–that’s assuming your husband isn’t intentionally keeping you from accessing the family finances. Paying bills on-line is much easier than writing out individual checks, especially if you can barely sit upright.

I wrote what I wrote based on the assumption that your husband is in general a good man. If he’s an abussive man with a temper who hits the wall from out of nowhere and who intentionally denies you access to the bank account, then that is an entirely different matter. Whatever the case is, while counseling can get expensive, I hope you find a good counselor to help you resolve these issues. God bless your family.

 

[Guitar]

I suggested she cook his meals and stop complaining about things like how he leaves the kitchen so he doesn’t end up eating out daily when they can’t afford that.

I gotta ask … if they can’t afford bought meals every day, why is is up to her to cook/make lunch for him “so he doesn’t end up eating out daily when they can’t afford that” as if that’s the only alternative? Especially if she can’t open the fridge without running for the bathroom.

Yes, the guy’s gotta eat, but how hard is it for a grown man to make a sandwich? I’m the breadwinner here, spouse doesn’t work outside the home and he’s the cook, but I make my own sandwiches/pack my own leftovers and I’d no more expect him to fix daily lunch for me than I’d expect him to pick my clothes, tie my shoelaces or brush my hair. Mummy used to do all that but I’m a big girl now. Takes all of two minutes to pack a sandwich and wash a few bits of fruit.

The issue is obviously much bigger than sandwiches but I’m blowed if I can see why that one should be HelenMary’s problem. Maybe instead of cooking for him so he doesn’t “have” to eat out, she should buy him a really snappy cool-dude Spiderman lunchbox with a matching drink bottle.

ETA: I live with depression so if he is also a sufferer then I do empathise with the inability to get moving and keep day-to-day necessaries under control even in the face of impending disaster. I don’t mean to sound totally unsympathetic. But sooner or later you have to realise the only person who can get you out of depression is you.

 

[kage_ar]

Two resources:

.orgretrouvaille

foryourmarriage.org/

 

[marietta]

gardenswithkids writes:

“You say you see signs of depression–don’t you think working a low paying job trying to support a pregnant wife and child, then coming home to a wife who complains that he doesn’t do enough would get depressing?”

Where’s that good ol’ Natural Family Planning in all of this mess?

I think HelenMary should make her husband a chart for the month: when to cut the grass, when it’s acceptable to get online, when to go to the counselor - just like moms do for their 10-year-old kids. Then she ought to post it on the wall in the kitchen. It might be a good idea if they could go to counseling separately as well as jointly. That way the truth might get told a lot faster.

This guy can probably multitask! I’ll bet he can make his own food and clean up at the same time! How hard can that be?

And for a real mind-blower, maybe he ought to be looking for a position in his field that will support him, a wife, and two children. And pay for counseling.

Watch that violence, HelenMary. Now it’s the wall, soon it may be you or one of your kids.

marietta

 

[whatevergirl]

We have been married for two years. I became pregnant about 3 months after our marriage and we have a wonderful baby son. I am now pregnant with our second child. Since it is the early stages I am very nauseous and have been sick for four weeks now. I do not work outside the home.

My husband works for a small software company and makes a very small salary. I love him very much but he spends money like we will always have it. He’s running up the credit cards and eating out almost every day. I ask him to do things around the house (like put the baby proofing on the cabinets and drawers that I can’t do in my present condition) and he just doesn’t do it. He hasn’t mowed the lawn in three weeks. I found out he hasn’t been paying the bills on time and we are having to pay not only interest but also penalties and late fees.

I don’t ask him to do the chores around the house, like the laundry and cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen. It doesn’t do any good. He tells me he needs specifics but, even after I make detailed lists, he just ignores it all. He cooks wonderful meals but he leaves the dirty pans and utensils and dishes for me to clean. There are a myriad of other things but I think you get the main idea.

We have fought about this before but I want to remain patient and calm for the children’s sake. I’ve told him he has to set a good example for them but he just agrees with me and sits at his computer and chats with his friends half the night. Then he is so tired he loses his temper with the baby and scares me. He doesn’t abuse him, but he truly doesn’t know his own strength.

What am I doing wrong? How can I make him understand that he is not being a good husband and father without hurting his feelings? Sometimes, he hits the wall with his fist if he’s angry. Sometimes he gets depressed and tells me he’s just a no good bum. I’ve talked to a priest but maybe I should look for a counselor? I want our relationship to grow and be healthy but it certainly doesn’t feel that way right now. I’m scared we’ll get into such debt, we’ll never get out especially considering we couldn’t afford insurance for me so we’ll have to pay for the doctor, hospital, and lab ourselves when the new baby comes.

The anxiety is making me feel more ill. Can anyone suggest something low cost? I’ve been praying to St Joseph but he must have other more urgent cases. Any suggestions are welcome. Thank you so much.

hi helen–i’m sorry you’re going through a tough time with your husband…In reading through everything, I just wondered to myself if your husband grew up in a household where everything was done for him? I grew up in a household where someone always picked up after me, and when I married, I really had a tough time learning how to be mindful of others. (and I’m a woman, lol) I still have bouts of messiness, but I just can’t help but wonder if his mom/dad allowed him to just make messes, and always cleaned up after him? The same with the anger bouts…not that I’m excusing his behavior, but it might explain a lot, and he doesn’t sound abusive. I mean, he could be, but I think there are other things at play here, not just that he is abusive, end of story.

I think there is also more than just someone who refuses to make himself a sandwich–if he grew up like me, he believes someone else will do it for him. It takes time, but if you both seek counseling, and really try to help one another work on these things, he’ll become an improved husband. I hope so anyways!

Good luck to you both.

 

[Annika]

I don’t think being raised a certain way is an excuse for not being able to make a sandwich for yourself. My DH was raised with his mommy doing absolutely EVERYTHING for him, but never expected it from me. He’s somehow managed to learn how to do dishes, wash, and make sandwiches all on his very own, and enjoys it. This makes his mother resentful of me, but that’s another story.

I love doing as much as I can around the house for DH and taking care of him. I do a lot of things for him because I love him, and because he doesn’t expect that I do it. I have severe health problems and some days I cannot even get out of bed. On those days he cheerfully brings me food, makes his own, works all day, finds something for dinner, cleans up after it, and when I tell him I feel guilty, he asks why.

For better and worse applies to BOTH of you. In sickness and in health applies to BOTH of you. That’s what marriage is.

Get the bank account password immediately, and start using it.

 

[Psalm62]

I will be praying for you and your family, especially the baby you’re going to have.

I have been in your situation (pregnant and in an abusive relationship). I had to leave to save my life when my son was five months old. I thought he was going to kill me. My son is now fourteen.

It concerns me greatly that you do not have access to your online banking passwords. This is telling me that your living with a control freak. Money equals power to a lot of people. I’m sure he has good qualities, but be very careful especially when it comes to your health and your toddler’s well being. Please remember that children pick up on this kind of stress/conflict.

I think going to a counselor will help you a lot and remember that HIS behavior is not your fault. He needs to get a handle on his depression, anger, self esteem, etc and staying on the computer all night is not helping him or your family. God bless you.

 

[Magicsilence]

My husband is a good and loving man. He is extremely intelligent and gifted. He reads to our son and gives him his bath and puts him to bed at night. I am so grateful for the things he does do. I should’ve made that clear. I thank him often for his help too. He tells me daily that he loves me. I guess I feel guilty for harboring these thoughts, but I’m afraid to broach any of this with him because of his temper.

Afraid of his temper?

Many of the posts on this site have taught me that an abuser is not abusive all of the time. They are ‘good’, and ‘loving’ and tell their family they ‘love’ them, but then they start hitting things, and the family doesn’t say anything because its just ‘the way dad is’.

And soon the family starts doing things so they don’t ‘annoy dad’, because otherwise he’ll hit them, or get angry.

I also don’t think a husband should be spending half the night online chatting with friends

 

[leonie]

You know, in moments of frustration, I’ve started a thread or two about my dh.

And, people responding have read all sort of terrible things into him just because of a rough spot. Based on a paragraph on a forum, people jump to all sort of conclusions.

I don’t think these threads are helpful. Probably, the op should just sit down and talk to her dh or call her pastor and ask him for advice.

God bless.

 

[Annika]

I think a grown man who loses his temper with and doesn’t “know his own strength” with a one year old baby brings the conclusion jumping on himself.

 

[whatevergirl]

You know, in moments of frustration, I’ve started a thread or two about my dh.

And, people responding have read all sort of terrible things into him just because of a rough spot. Based on a paragraph on a forum, people jump to all sort of conclusions.

I don’t think these threads are helpful. Probably, the op should just sit down and talk to her dh or call her pastor and ask him for advice.

God bless.

I as just thinking along these lines…There are also two side of every story, too…it’s hard to fill in the gaps with a few paragraphs on an internet forum. Going with what has been said, people can only give advice as best as what they are reading into the situation. I agree with your advice.

 

[LJN21]

OP said

• her husband scares her;
• hits the wall in anger;
• doesn’t abuse the baby but doesn’t know his own strength;
• is the only one with access to the bank account because he changed the password.

I’m sorry, but all that screams ‘abuse’ to me. You don’t have to have bruises to be abused. Definitely time for counselling and for him to take some anger management classes.

I agree with this. With my first I was on the couch sick for 9 months, everything made me sick. A husband has to get over himself and take care of his wife and future child.

If you can’t sit down and talk to him, write him a letter. If he will not go to counseling, give you the bank info and learn to control his temper, I think you should leave until he does agree to the above. (Do you have any family near by?) You need help with this pregnancy and your son, you don’t need another baby to take care of.

 

[dominicsavio]

im sure that others on here have probably recommended several books already…but there is a book called “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman that is pretty good. Sometimes getting a spouse to do something we would like them to do (helping out more…getting certain things done around the house) is a problem that can be solved by learning to express our love for them in the way they best respond. the book helps with that.

like others have mentioned…counseling could be very beneficial. as a male that has struggled a lot with credit card debt, i will say that sometimes it can seem overwhelming to do “the right things” even if i have wanted to. he may have the desire to do those things for you, but maybe he feels that he can’t. i think good, honest conversations (if they can be done calmly) and counseling could definitely help.

 

[HelenMary]

hi helen–i’m sorry you’re going through a tough time with your husband…In reading through everything, I just wondered to myself if your husband grew up in a household where everything was done for him? I grew up in a household where someone always picked up after me, and when I married, I really had a tough time learning how to be mindful of others. (and I’m a woman, lol) I still have bouts of messiness, but I just can’t help but wonder if his mom/dad allowed him to just make messes, and always cleaned up after him? The same with the anger bouts…not that I’m excusing his behavior, but it might explain a lot, and he doesn’t sound abusive. I mean, he could be, but I think there are other things at play here, not just that he is abusive, end of story.

I think there is also more than just someone who refuses to make himself a sandwich–if he grew up like me, he believes someone else will do it for him. It takes time, but if you both seek counseling, and really try to help one another work on these things, he’ll become an improved husband. I hope so anyways!

Good luck to you both.

You may have something there, whatevergirl. I noticed that his mom does all the cleaning in their house and she has eight able-bodied kids (although not all of them live at home any more)! I only know of one, a teenager, with a specific chore and he’s supposed to load the dishwasher. That’s it. I’ll try to keep this in mind.

I appreciate all the responses. I think I was hoping to vent a bit and receive some advice and support. I couldn’t think of anyone I know to tell all of this to without it sounding like I hate my husband. That, of course, is not so. He has his moments of immaturity and so do I. As a matter of fact, being pregnant has made me VERY immature in some of my reactions. I’ve been trying very hard not to overreact to anything that happens and to let a lot of stuff slide for now. Getting upset might only endanger the baby.

Thank you for pointing out so much to me about my own behavior as well as his. Hopefully, I can take this information to heart and it will help us both. I do want to emphasize that he has NEVER hurt either me or our son. I don’t think he will. I promise to help him get this anger thing worked out before it could come to that. I will look for the book you mention, dominicsavio. Thank you for the tip. It always helps to hear from people who have “been there, done that.”

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi again, Helen;

Yeah, old habits can be hard to break, especially when you have had others do things for you. After I became a mom, I became much more selfless, and that’s really at the crux of it all. When parents raise kids to not pick up after themselves, and teach them how to help out around the home, community, etc…they grow up most likely, becoming self centered adults. I was one. Marriage and motherhood helped me change–REAL quick. lol But, still to this day, I don’t ‘mind’ a messy room, or bathroom…drives my husband insane. He is more of a neat ‘freak,’ and I just ‘don’t care’ as much, but I have learned to overcome those tendencies, for the sake of a harmonious marriage.

Now, your husband’s anger could be his lashing out that you are basically requesting a change from him. I remember when my husband and I had battles about my self-centeredness early on in our marriage–that I would storm out of the house, and take off in my car. (your husband hits walls) Hitting walls is a way to get you to back off–similiarly what I tried to do when I ran out of the house and drove off. (so glad I am not that person anymore!!!) I do think that he needs some counseling for that, because if you are truly becoming afraid over it, that’s not good, not healthy…and it’s better to get it stopped now, before it becomes worse. But, I have a feeling that his anger triggers when you ask him to make a change in an area he isn’t comfortable changing, or frankly, doesn’t know how. So, counseling is a must if he is lashing out in ways that frighten you. I didn’t frighten my husband, lol. I just annoyed him back in the early days of our marriage–he might have even questioned why we got married back then. Truth be told, I think your husband never learned appropriate boundaries so now that you are asking him to basically put some in place, he is angry over it. In order for him to be a good husband, he needs to change this though–and for his own relationship with the Lord, too.

It can be done though–might take some time.

Through prayers, faith, reading the Bible, and just growing up through being a wife and mom…I learned to become more focused on others’ needs and not my own. Don’t give up on your husband…keep praying for him. But, he has to want to make this change, and see that it’s necessary for the good of his family. I hope things work out soon for you all!

 

[samovila]

You may have something there, whatevergirl. I noticed that his mom does all the cleaning in their house and she has eight able-bodied kids (although not all of them live at home any more)! I only know of one, a teenager, with a specific chore and he’s supposed to load the dishwasher. That’s it. I’ll try to keep this in mind."

The first time my husband’s mother came to visit I realized something. She followed him around the house and picked up every dish he put down, every napkin he dropped, every dirty sock he discarded on the floor, and every food package he left on the counter. If she did this when she was visiting, I can only imagine what it must have been like when he lived with her.

It took a year or so after we were married for us to get into a comfortable place as far as chores at home are concerned. Even now we have to evaluate our chores and duties whenever something changes (like I’m in my first trimester with a new baby). So what we did was sit down together, make a list of all the chores in the home (cooking, cleaning each room, paying bills, laundry for each person, mowing lawn, etc.) Then we dealt them out in an equitable way. Since we both work full time, we divided them equally, but since you work at home, you might want to take more of the chores. We decided that we would each spend 20 minutes per day doing our daily chores before dinner time and then 2 hours on the weekend doing weekly chores (preferably working at the same time to build a “team effort” feeling). That way there is no, “he didn’t do the dishes” “But I expected her to do it!” Everyone knows their job. If we can’t get it done once in a while it’s one thing, but if it’s a regular thing we just start to re-evaluate the chore responsibilities and the timing.
Hope this helps at least with the cleaning and responsibility issues. If your husband’s current chore is paying the bills and he isn’t very good at it, maybe you want to offer to take that off of his hands and instead ask him to take one of your regular chores that he would be great with. What I found when we made the list of chores, we each had our preferences, my DH loves to do his laundry and clean the bathroom, while I don’t mind the dishes and I love to cook.

 

[whatevergirl]

The first time my husband’s mother came to visit I realized something. She followed him around the house and picked up every dish he put down, every napkin he dropped, every dirty sock he discarded on the floor, and every food package he left on the counter. If she did this when she was visiting, I can only imagine what it must have been like when he lived with her.

It took a year or so after we were married for us to get into a comfortable place as far as chores at home are concerned. Even now we have to evaluate our chores and duties whenever something changes (like I’m in my first trimester with a new baby). So what we did was sit down together, make a list of all the chores in the home (cooking, cleaning each room, paying bills, laundry for each person, mowing lawn, etc.) Then we dealt them out in an equitable way. Since we both work full time, we divided them equally, but since you work at home, you might want to take more of the chores. We decided that we would each spend 20 minutes per day doing our daily chores before dinner time and then 2 hours on the weekend doing weekly chores (preferably working at the same time to build a “team effort” feeling). That way there is no, “he didn’t do the dishes” “But I expected her to do it!” Everyone knows their job. If we can’t get it done once in a while it’s one thing, but if it’s a regular thing we just start to re-evaluate the chore responsibilities and the timing.
Hope this helps at least with the cleaning and responsibility issues. If your husband’s current chore is paying the bills and he isn’t very good at it, maybe you want to offer to take that off of his hands and instead ask him to take one of your regular chores that he would be great with. What I found when we made the list of chores, we each had our preferences, my DH loves to do his laundry and clean the bathroom, while I don’t mind the dishes and I love to cook.

Good post–

I think that you make excellent recommendations…

While we are adults now that we are married, early on in many marriages, the habits you had as a teen, most likely will carry over into your marriage. So, if you married someone who was highly mothered and babied…you might find yourself mothering and babying your husband, yourself. (or fathering in my husband’s case)

 

[samovila]

I just thought of one more thing… Now this might not work if you’re in a tight budget, but pretty early on DH kept avoiding mowing the lawn. I didn’t want to be a nag so I said, if you don’t mow the lawn by the end of this week, I’m going to have to hire someone to do it. When he hadn’t mowed the lawn, I carried out that offer. At the time I was reading “For better forever…” By Popcak and I distinctly remember him writing something like: you can’t force your spouse to do something, you either have to do it yourself or find someone else to do it. Since then we’ve had the same guy mowing the lawn for 2 summers now. It’s not terribly expensive for us and it’s worth it to have some peace.

 

[Teakafrog]

www.retrouvaille.org
Sounds like you have some major communication issues, this will help. It helped us, through some of the same types of problems. Good luck, I’ll be praying for you.

 

[Tasha]

I know this is an old thread and I’m hoping the OP subscribed. In my humblest opinion her husband’s behavior is passive aggressive. Very, very hard to deal with passive aggressive behavior. Check out the book “Living with the Passive Aggressive Male” by Scott Wetzler and see if it rings any bells. It just might. Hope you are doing OK. God bless.