Am I entitled to the details?

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Lexee15

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I don’t know what to do…I feel like I’m full of rage and wish I could just strangle my husband…anyone ever hear the song “The Thunder Rolls” by Garth Brooks…the long version :whacky: Well that’s what I wish I had the nerve to do sometimes, especially when I ask something that he doesn’t want to answer. His response is that answering the question WILL NOT HELP US :banghead: that it only makes the hurt bigger…yeah maybe…I still want to know!!! :mad: I’m still in the process of finding a therapist or counselor to help me get through this affair…in the mean time am I making things worse by talking about it, wanting details, demanding to be with him at all times, checking his phone whenever I can, etc? :confused: I certainly don’t want to make my life harder…but it’s so hard. What are his rights if any, what do I have the right to want, expect and demand from him? I have phone numbers that I want to call and find out who they belong to, should I or do I need to be stronger and if he decides to continue I will know and can then walk away?
 
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Lexee15:
I don’t know what to do…I feel like I’m full of rage and wish I could just strangle my husband…anyone ever hear the song “The Thunder Rolls” by Garth Brooks…the long version :whacky: Well that’s what I wish I had the nerve to do sometimes, especially when I ask something that he doesn’t want to answer. His response is that answering the question WILL NOT HELP US :banghead: that it only makes the hurt bigger…yeah maybe…I still want to know!!! :mad: I’m still in the process of finding a therapist or counselor to help me get through this affair…in the mean time am I making things worse by talking about it, wanting details, demanding to be with him at all times, checking his phone whenever I can, etc? :confused: I certainly don’t want to make my life harder…but it’s so hard. What are his rights if any, what do I have the right to want, expect and demand from him? I have phone numbers that I want to call and find out who they belong to, should I or do I need to be stronger and if he decides to continue I will know and can then walk away?
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I think a therapist or counselor is a good avenue for you … and your husband. Sounds like couple counseling is in good order. Perhaps you need to ask yourself what benefit there is in knowing more than you already know. You don’t need all the “details” to forgive … or to trust again. But it sounds like you need to explore the reasons why you feel you need to know more … especially if you already know it will hurt you even more than you’ve been hurt already. Think about it.
 
It will take a long time to heal and to trust again. BUT now is the time you have to struggle through, and NO he can not be trusted. His recent behavior is the cause for him being on probabtion, and yes you have a NEED to know what he is up to.

IF he ever expects to EARN your trust again then he needs to be a up front and honest about what he doing, who he sees, and where he is at.

You can not assume he is being honest with you. Suspicion can be devastating to a marriage BUT that is what infidelity causes. You have every reason to be suspicious, and until he earns your trust again by being extremeley faithful over a long period of time, he does NOT deserve the trust.

Explain to him your thinking on this, he can not expect you to suddenly trust him again. He does not deserve it. He earned your distrust by not being faithful, now he has to re-earn your trust by being monitored and giving you a play by play of his day.

He did it to himself, and IF he wants the marriage to be healed, he has to make the extra effort to repair the damage. It make take years and even then you may never really get back to the point of total trust.

Personally I don’t think such a person can be totally trusted ever again. He would have to become a near saint for a number of years to even come close to repairing the damage.

Your husband needs a miracle turnaround, his attitude towards you and your marriage has to change dramatically, not just for a day or for a few weeks but permanently. Has he joined AA, has he re-stated his committment to you only and promised to dump the other women ??? What proof do you have of that ?

As Reagan says trust but verify.
 
It’s not just you who has to get over the affair(s). Has your husband stopped the affairs ? Is he still in them ?
 
I am so sorry for the incredible pain you are in now. I was hit with a similiar situation about a year ago and am still working thru it. There are some practical things I’ve learned about affairs and trying to make a marriage work after the discovery of one. First, your husband has to be totally up front with you. Difficult to believe him though due to his lying about the affair but he has to be willing to answer your questions. If the affair never happened he wouldn’t have to give details would he? Too bad if he’s uncomfortable. Having said that, it wouldn’t be good for you to know intimate details about the sexual relationship he had because you would most likely obsess about it. (there is already enough stuff to obsess about, isn’t there). You do have the right to know who, when, where and how long the affair went on. I believe you also have the right to know how he would contact her because re-establishing trust is of utmost importance and if you are checking the phone bills there are questions that need answers. All contact with the affair partner needs to end or you will never heal. If that means he needs to find another job or move that is what needs to be done if he is serious about staying in your marriage.

There are websites that have helped me. Two of them are marriage builders and dear peggy.com. There are others if you do a search. I also happened to like the advice Dr. Phil has on his website concerning adultery. I actually printed out his advice and gave it to my husband to read because I wasn’t talking to him at the time. My husband said later that that advice really helped him a lot. Definately see a marriage counselor. Pastoral Solutions Institute is totally Catholic (exceptionalmarriages.com) They can counsel you by phone.

Personally, adoration was of unimaginable importance to me and still is. No one can understand your pain and the injustice of what has happened to you except the Lord. He gave me such strength and the will to continue when I wanted to give up. I have a love of the sorrowful mysteries now that I never had before. Just go to be with him and ask him to help you. Sometimes I would go and , just entering the chapel , I would start to cry. The comfort the Lord can give you is like no other.

I hope some of this can be of help to you. You and your marriage are in my prayers. God Bless.
 
Have you considered showing your husband a copy of the email that you sent?

He’s the one who has closed himself off, you do not have to do the same. Let him know that you want to check/call his phone numbers and why.

Sometimes, I think, men do not realize how much this hurts. They feel the problem is their own, and that by not being open they are “helping” you deal with it. Try to not show anger and resentfulness (although probably justified), but show the hurt he has caused and how the trust you had with him has been shattered.

You cannot what he has done, or his stubborness about being open with you, but you can be open with him, explain your feelings, and seek counseling. Right now, you need to focus on healing yourself.

Good luck,
Maggie
 
Why on earth would you want them? The fact that it happened in the first place speaks volumes on the importance your husband places on your marriage.
~ Kathy ~
 
I agree that he certainly didn’t put much importance on the marriage and that he went outside to solve our problems instead of looking inside :tsktsk: . He’s just made what problems we had before 100x worse. I am trying to be open about what, when and why I feel the way I do, till now he’s been doing as I ask and answers questions though I’m not sure he’s being truthful. In order to keep my self sane I keep telling myself that in the end if he is lying he’ll be worse off than me. He also knows that if I find out about another infidelty it is over…that he will be making the choice that he wants the marraige to end. I don’t want to keep wondering…it’s so exhausting and takes so much energy, I decided to try to make things work if he was willing to do it also and take the necessary steps to heal, now I, for my own sake, am trying to keep my mind from wandering off…I refuse to give him that much control over me and my thoughts again! :nope: I want to do God’s will and because of that I believe He and the Blessed Mother are giving me the strength I need to get through this whether we stay together or not…I will be a better, much stronger person because of it, the Lord knows what he’s doing I just pray that I can understand what he wants from me so that I may do it. I also know that all your prayers and the prayers of my family have kept me here to make the best of an awful situation…thank you. 😉
 
Know that no matter how deep you dig, how many numbers you dial, how many pockets you rifle through, how many trips you follow him on - you will not find the answers you think are there. It’s a cat chasing her tail.

Details support the actions. It doesn’t account for them. It doesn’t explain them. It doesn’t resolve them.

What you are really seeking are the answers to why this happened and that will only come through therapy. You say you are in the process of finding someone. Please be patient until then. Acting on your own in this direction, in your anger and rage, will sink you deeper into the hole you’re in, making therapy harder when you do get started.

You can’t trust your husband right now, but you can trust in the Lord to give you patience, peace, courage right now as you find the proper therapist.

My prayers are with you.
 
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