Am I gay? If so, what do I do about it? How do I live like this for the rest of my life?

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And also Letter 6:

MY DEAR WORMWOOD,

I am delighted to hear that your patient’s age and profession make it possible, but by no means certain, that he will be called up for military service.

We want him to be in the maximum uncertainty, so that his mind will be filled with contradictory pictures of the future, every one of which arouses hope or fear. There is nothing like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human’s mind against the Enemy. He wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.

Your patient will, of course, have picked up the notion that he must submit with patience to the Enemy’s will. What the Enemy means by this is primarily that he should accept with patience the tribulation which has actually been dealt out to him-the present anxiety and suspense. It is about this that he is to say “Thy will be done”, and for the daily task of bearing this that the daily bread will be provided.** It is your business to see that the patient never thinks of the present fear as his appointed cross but only of the things he is afraid of.

Let him regard them as his crosses: let him forget that, since they are incompatible, they cannot all happen to him, and let him try to practise fortitude and patience to them all in advance. For real resignation, at the same moment, to a dozen different and hypothetical fates, is almost impossible, and the Enemy does not greatly assist those who are trying to attain it: resignation to present and actual suffering, even where that suffering consists of fear, is far easier and is usually helped by this direct action.**

An important spiritual law is here involved. I have explained that you can weaken his prayers by diverting his attention from the Enemy Himself to his own states of mind about the Enemy. On the other hand fear becomes easier to master when the patient’s mind is diverted from the thing feared to the fear itself, considered as a present and undesirable state of his own mind; and when he regards the fear as his appointed cross he will inevitably think of it as a state of mind. One can therefore formulate the general rule; in all activities of mind which favour our cause, encourage the patient to be un-selfconscious and to concentrate on the object, but in all activities favourable to the Enemy bend his mind back on itself. Let an insult or a woman’s body so fix his attention outward that he does not reflect “I am now entering into the state called Anger-or the state called Lust”. Contrariwise let the reflection “My feelings are now growing more devout, or more charitable” so fix his attention inward that he no longer looks beyond himself to see our Enemy or his own neighbours…

Do what you will, there is going to be some benevolence, as well as some malice, in your patient’s soul. The great thing is to direct the malice to his immediate neighbours whom he meets every day and to thrust his benevolence out to the remote circumference, to people he does not know. The malice thus becomes wholly real and the benevolence largely imaginary. There is no good at all in inflaming his hatred of Germans if, at the same time, a pernicious habit of charity is growing up between him and his mother, his employer, and the man he meets in the train. Think of your man as a series of concentric circles, his will being the innermost, his intellect coming next, and finally his fantasy. You can hardly hope, at once, to exclude from all the circles everything that smells of the Enemy: but you must keep on shoving all the virtues outward till they are finally located in the circle of fantasy, and all the desirable qualities inward into the Will. It is only in so far as they reach the will and are there embodied in habits that the virtues are really fatal to us. (I don’t, of course, mean what the patient mistakes for his will, the conscious fume and fret of resolutions and clenched teeth, but the real centre, what the Enemy calls the Heart.) All sorts of virtues painted in the fantasy or approved by the intellect or even, in some measure, loved and admired, will not keep a man from our Father’s house: indeed they may make him more amusing when he gets there,

Your affectionate uncle
SCREWTAPE
 
There’s no reason you have to make a “choice” based on an attraction you felt at 8 years old. If you believe yourself to be bisexual, perhaps you can find a man you may want to make friends with and eventually date.

Your lack of lust for the repairman is a good thing if you ask me. You had a business relationship with him. Yes, you appreciated him as attractive. And that’s fine. But it’s not a test of your sexual attraction. I don’t know about you, but when I’ve bought a car or house, I’ve never fixated on the salesperson’s looks. I want to deal with someone who is competent and honest. Then again, I’m 53 years old.

I don’t think, as of yet, you have any deep-seated same-sex attraction.

How important is it for you live within the rules of the church? If it’s very important, you can be chaste or have a heterosexual marriage.

If you want to be married, you need to start exploring your positive feelings toward men. You never know what may happen. Wonderful marriages can blossom out of friendships.

As for chastity, you’ll need to consider if the religious life is for you. What you described in your post does not sound like deep-seated same-sex attraction. In any case, I’d suggest you work with a spiritual director. And obviously, the ultimate decision is up to the vocations director.

And your other choice is a chaste, single life (with lots of support).

Whatever is going on, you’re not ready to make a decision. Being a chaste person with same-sex attraction won’t change your relationship with the church. But being openly gay WILL change your relationship with the church. (Some actively gay people live a double life.)

I say the following as a matter of fact. Some priests approve of homosexuality. Some bless same-sex couples. But all of this must be done in secret, lest the bishop find out. A same-sex couple is not receiving the official approval of the church in these instances.

All of these issues must be weighed and prayed about.

I would suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in same-sex attraction. Whether to select a secular counselor or a Catholic is up to you.

The most important thing to remember is none of these questions needs to decided today.

I pray you find calm clarity. And may the Holy Spirit lead you to the right place for you to be.
 
There’s no reason you have to make a “choice” based on an attraction you felt at 8 years old. If you believe yourself to be bisexual, perhaps you can find a man you may want to make friends with and eventually date.

Your lack of lust for the repairman is a good thing if you ask me. You had a business relationship with him. Yes, you appreciated him as attractive. And that’s fine. But it’s not a test of your sexual attraction. I don’t know about you, but when I’ve bought a car or house, I’ve never fixated on the salesperson’s looks. I want to deal with someone who is competent and honest. Then again, I’m 53 years old…
Yes, lack of lust is a good thing. It is better to marry than to be on fire, St. Paul would have said, but those who are not on fire at all are spared many trials (referring to the 7th chapter of 1 Corinthians). If you have been spared burning passions, freeing you to devote yourself to God alone, go with that! 👍
 
There’s no reason you have to make a “choice” based on an attraction you felt at 8 years old. If you believe yourself to be bisexual, perhaps you can find a man you may want to make friends with and eventually date.

Your lack of lust for the repairman is a good thing if you ask me. You had a business relationship with him. Yes, you appreciated him as attractive. And that’s fine. But it’s not a test of your sexual attraction. I don’t know about you, but when I’ve bought a car or house, I’ve never fixated on the salesperson’s looks. I want to deal with someone who is competent and honest. Then again, I’m 53 years old.

I don’t think, as of yet, you have any deep-seated same-sex attraction.

How important is it for you live within the rules of the church? If it’s very important, you can be chaste or have a heterosexual marriage.

If you want to be married, you need to start exploring your positive feelings toward men. You never know what may happen. Wonderful marriages can blossom out of friendships.

As for chastity, you’ll need to consider if the religious life is for you. What you described in your post does not sound like deep-seated same-sex attraction. In any case, I’d suggest you work with a spiritual director. And obviously, the ultimate decision is up to the vocations director.

And your other choice is a chaste, single life (with lots of support).

Whatever is going on, you’re not ready to make a decision. Being a chaste person with same-sex attraction won’t change your relationship with the church. But being openly gay WILL change your relationship with the church. (Some actively gay people live a double life.)

I say the following as a matter of fact. Some priests approve of homosexuality. Some bless same-sex couples. But all of this must be done in secret, lest the bishop find out. A same-sex couple is not receiving the official approval of the church in these instances.

All of these issues must be weighed and prayed about.

I would suggest talking to a therapist who specializes in same-sex attraction. Whether to select a secular counselor or a Catholic is up to you.

The most important thing to remember is none of these questions needs to decided today.

I pray you find calm clarity. And may the Holy Spirit lead you to the right place for you to be.
When I mentioned being teased many years ago I was explaining why I feel shame, not the sole reason for believing my sexuality may be something other than hetero. I remember having disordered attractions towards women for almost two decades now. It was not a one time thing when I was eight years old. The worst time for me was when I was a preteen and hormones were going nutters and so, in my head, my relationships with female friends became a little…confused… That was hard. But as I’ve already said I don’t and won’t act on these feelings because I know actions would be very immoral.

Yes, there are lots of people who live double lives and lots of priests who do certain things behind their bishops’ backs, but I would rather die than deliberately offend my God, and may God help me to remain firm in that.

As far as choosing chastity, I already do choose this. All Catholics are called to be chaste. If God wants me to embrace life long celibacy then that’s perfectly fine with me, I’d actually prefer to live totally for him for the rest of my days. I just have a hard time imagining myself just staying a bachelorette for the rest of my life. I desire commitment, whether it be to a religious community or as a consecrated virgin or something else.

As for finding a therapist. Great suggestion, however I live in a very liberal country that does not have very many Catholic therapists that are faithful to the teachings of the Church. I’ve already looked. Many Catholics where I live would be appalled that I would not embrace my sexuality and try to help move the Church into the modern era by encouraging her to embrace gay marriage and all that comes with it. So I do not feel comfortable talking about anything on this thread except with a handful of priests who are like God’s warriors around here. They’re so holy! And so faithful! Maybe there are some good therapists around here and I’ve just never heard of them. God is a good therapist though. He’s brought me this far. 🙂
 
…. Maybe there are some good therapists around here and I’ve just never heard of them. God is a good therapist though. He’s brought me this far. 🙂
One of the ways God helps us is through people. May God guide you and grant you peace.
 
OK. I apologize that my terminology was annoying or unclear.

When I was describing inappropriate behavior, I said: “I say the following as a matter of fact.” I’m not saying it should or shouldn’t happen. I’m sorry I was unclear. I was simply saying, it happens.

I used the term “chastity” because that is the term the Catechism uses.

*2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection. *

I’m sorry if I caused any confusion.

I’m also sorry I misunderstood your description of early friendships with girls. Children can be so cruel. Taunting about sexuality is common.

I was called a “morphadite” when I was in junior high school. I had no idea what my classmates meant. I just knew it was dirty and insulting. When I figured out they were calling me a “hermaphrodite,” I thought they were stupid.

As for therapists, don’t give up your quest.

I found this link “catholictherapists.com.” Maybe you can find something that would serve your area.

Also, you might call your diocesan office and see whether someone can recommend therapists who are faithful to the teachings of the church.

Remember, when you look for a therapist, you have the right to interview him/her. Don’t waste your time on someone who will not help you advance in your goals.

This is a long reach, but maybe you could call the local Opus Dei office. You can find how to contact them at opusdei.org. The men and women of Opus Dei are faithful to church teachings and they are all over the world. They might be able to direct you to the right kind of counselor. They have many roles for celibate men and women. Some even live in community.

(P.S. I have no direct experience in Opus Dei.)

In any case, don’t give up. The Holy Spirit, your greatest guide and friend, is with you.

I pray for you to find your way. And I pray you find this post more helpful.
 
Yes, lack of lust is a good thing. It is better to marry than to be on fire, St. Paul would have said, but those who are not on fire at all are spared many trials (referring to the 7th chapter of 1 Corinthians). If you have been spared burning passions, freeing you to devote yourself to God alone, go with that! 👍
👍👍
 
OK. I apologize that my terminology was annoying or unclear.

When I was describing inappropriate behavior, I said: “I say the following as a matter of fact.” I’m not saying it should or shouldn’t happen. I’m sorry I was unclear. I was simply saying, it happens.

I used the term “chastity” because that is the term the Catechism uses.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

I’m sorry if I caused any confusion.

I’m also sorry I misunderstood your description of early friendships with girls. Children can be so cruel. Taunting about sexuality is common.

I was called a “morphadite” when I was in junior high school. I had no idea what my classmates meant. I just knew it was dirty and insulting. When I figured out they were calling me a “hermaphrodite,” I thought they were stupid.

As for therapists, don’t give up your quest.

I found this link “catholictherapists.com.” Maybe you can find something that would serve your area.

Also, you might call your diocesan office and see whether someone can recommend therapists who are faithful to the teachings of the church.

Remember, when you look for a therapist, you have the right to interview him/her. Don’t waste your time on someone who will not help you advance in your goals.

This is a long reach, but maybe you could call the local Opus Dei office. You can find how to contact them at opusdei.org. The men and women of Opus Dei are faithful to church teachings and they are all over the world. They might be able to direct you to the right kind of counselor. They have many roles for celibate men and women. Some even live in community.

(P.S. I have no direct experience in Opus Dei.)

In any case, don’t give up. The Holy Spirit, your greatest guide and friend, is with you.

I pray for you to find your way. And I pray you find this post more helpful.
All of your posts have been helpful and I’m thankful for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Perhaps I’m being a little too defensive. I’d never heard of a morphadite until I read your pos.! Yes, kids can be so mean! I had given up my search for a therapist, but perhaps I will try some more. Thanks for your encouragement.
 
All of your posts have been helpful and I’m thankful for your (name removed by moderator)ut. Perhaps I’m being a little too defensive. I’d never heard of a morphadite until I read your pos.! Yes, kids can be so mean! I had given up my search for a therapist, but perhaps I will try some more. Thanks for your encouragement.
I don’t blame you for feeling defensive. It’s such a tough issue to discuss. I applaud your courage.
 
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