Am I heading for Hell?

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strawberry01

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Please help me, because I feel as if bound to end up in Hell. I try to live my life as a Christian but I seem to fail again and again, especially with things like not having sex with my boyfriend, and generally doing my duty in all areas. I can also be a very unkind person at times…I know God forgives, but I just feel so unworthy…every time I mess up, it seems less and less likely that I’ll ever manage to be a good person 😦 .

I know this sounds very self-pitying, and I am feeling particularly down today, but in general I am very fearful for the state of my soul. I feel as if I’m in a downward spiral that I can’t stop, and I habitually do things that I’m so ashamed of. I wonder if I’m suffering from depression or something, or is this just a spiritual problem? How can I get out of this black cloud? I’d appreciate any wisdom that you may have to offer because I’m getting near to despair at the moment and I hate being this way…

Sarah
 
This is exactly how the devil wants you to feel. We all have things we need to work on, but we cannot allow our flaws to lead us to despair. What usually helps me to get out of that type of mood is to find something to be greatful for, and then praise God for it. Your family, Jesus on the Cross, the Church, or something. Being greatful towards God is a wonderful thing.

Also, take little steps. Of course premarital sex is wrong, and should cease right away, but as for any character flaws, take small steps in making yourself a better person. One thing that might try starting off with is trying to be more merciful towards others. “Blessed are they who show mercy, they will be shown mercy.”

I’ll pray for you. Remain strong in Christ, and peace be with you!
 
Welcome to the forums Sarah 👋 You’re in my prayers.

Firstly - No. No-one is bound to end up in Hell - ever. God wants all people (including you) to be saved. He created you for the express purpose of having you with him in heaven. There’s nothing for you to despair about or feel hopeless about.

Think of St Paul, St Peter, St Mary Magdalene, St Augustine - all heinous sinners, all persevered in the grace of God and made it to heaven.

God is so much stronger than anything and anyone that is tempting you away from him. Ask for his help as frequently as you can. Very simply - pray pray pray. Especially the Rosary. And confess, confess, confess 🙂

I too have my struggles with sexual sins. Prayer, and regular and frequent (even weekly) confession really do help. Not talking 100% guarantees of total sinlessness, but it will help hugely in the resisting.

And next - as St Paul says, flee temptation! If its at all possible NEVER let yourself be alone with your boyfriend in a situation where sex is a possibility - no bedrooms, back seats of cars, darkened movie theatres etc. Do your utmost to avoid movies, tv, books, or anything else that arouses you. If you need to, get rid of the tv altogether.

Wear a scapular if you can obtain one, or a crucifix or religious medal - some visible reminder, that both you and your boyfriend will see, of your commitment to your faith. Don’t wear sexy clothing or underwear - nothing that will provoke lust in him or you.

It is a difficult area - Our Lady said in Fatima that more people succumb to sins of the flesh than any other type, so you’re not alone in your struggles. Do your best, ask God for his help and his mercy, trust that he is full of both.

Say an act of contrition whenever you fall (as we all do seven times a day, as Proverbs says) and make plans as to how you can recognise temptation and avoid it the next time it comes around (as it surely will).
 
Thank you so much, both of you, for the replies :). I feel more calm after reading them. I think I did know that really, I just needed reminding…sometimes I get so discouraged!

LilyM, about confession…I’d like to go more than I do but I get really embarrassed talking about such personal stuff. I’m a recent convert to Catholicism so I’m not really sure how to approach it, I’ve been twice so far and got really flustered both times! Do you have any advice on how to overcome that? Would it really be advisable to go as often as once a week?

Thanks 🙂
 
Take it from a lifelong Catholic (though not always actively, I admit), God has compassion for you, and you should have compassion for yourself. Sometimes when you’re a recent convert, you only have “the rules” in your mind. The rules are the rules, but there are rules, and then there is the application of the rules in the real world. Only God is perfect (we can quibble about the Virgin Mary, but I won’t go there). I’m not perfect, and you’re not perfect. None of us are, and if we were, the Church would be out of business. We can only strive to follow the example of Christ and the values of Catholicism as best we can.

Sometimes I’m waiting for my turn into the confessional knowing exactly what I want to say, and then once I get in there, I forget totally. I can’t even bring a list because it’s too dark to read it in there anyway. Don’t worry about it, say what you can think of. If you forget something, it doesn’t matter, you’re forgiven anyway.

Not that I’m encouraging you to sin, but don’t be too hard on yourself. I don’t know what you can do about the temptation to give in to sexual activity. It’s very hard to resist sometimes. Don’t let your inability to fully conform lead you away from the Faith.
 
strawberry01 said:
I’ve been twice so far and got really flustered both times! Do you have any advice on how to overcome that?
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Yes. Begin by telling the priest, “I am a new Catholic. I came into the Church (this date) and I’ve been to confession twice before, but I need your help to make a good Confession.” He will take it from there. Don’t worry - he cannot possibly “tell on you,” and the chances are pretty good that he won’t remember the details of your confession after the fact, anyway.

Even if he does, he’s not allowed to discuss them with anyone - not even you, unless you bring up the subject first.
Would it really be advisable to go as often as once a week?
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Go as often as you have something serious to confess.

As a new Catholic and adult convert, this could easily be as often as once a week, since it takes a long time to break old habits.
 
Tell your boyfriend how you feel. If you guys are old enough to engage tell him you want to stop having sex until you are married. You will feel better about yourself especially talking it out with your boyfriend. Secondly, I suggest you pick up some books on how to make a good confession. They will instruct you on how to confess your sins and how to more thoroughly examine your conscious. Hang in there and try not to be so hard on yourself!
 
There are some things that one can do to help the problem of always falling into sexual sins. There are usually behaviors or things and circumstances that set the scene or failure. Things like cuddling, long deep kissing, being alone together with no one else close by, etc. Some were mentioned above as well. When you allow these circumstances to prevail you set yourself up for the fall.

I once had a drinking problem. I knew if I had enough drinks for my nose to feel numb, I would almost invariably say to heck with it and get drunk. I had to learn to stop after two or three drinks and that solved the problem.

I also once thought that I could be perfect through my own power, but learned that I had to depend on Jesus for help as I could not do it by myself. Even after 70 years of life, I have not become perfect, but I try as best I can and throw myself on God’s mercy for the rest.

Don’t give up. Try changing those circumstances that lead you to fall. Keep at it and things will change.
 
It might be helpful to examine your life and your realtionship with your boyfriend. If he is demanding/suggesting sex then you should leave him. I know it seems hard, but to openly persist in sin is to tell God you do not love him.
 
Good thread here as I have recently fallen into an old habit – these responses help. I’m new too so I can’t offer too much advice but I can say two things:
  1. As far as feeling embarrassed in confession – don’t – the priests have heard it all before. You don’t need to go into a lot of details, just start with what the sin was and if more info is needed it will be asked. You might also think about confessing at a church different from the one you attend - mainly for you cause it will alleviate the possibility of your getting into self-questioning or paranoia about whether your priest recognizes your voice or whatever – it takes it out of the equation. Hope you get what I mean.
  2. With regards to your relationship: honesty is the best policy. Years before I met my current wife I started to feel my conversion coming on and while I did not respond to it as quickly as I should have, it was not until after I was serious with my now wife that I began to speak openly about it – even though I was a little afraid that I might not be accepted for it. What happened? I went through RCIA (finally!!) and my now wife joined me! We are both now officially catholics. I often notice people in my life have some similarity with me that draws us together in an “unseen” way – who knows, maybe your boyfriend has some of the same yearnings deep down and you bringing it out in the open might be just the thing he needs as well to act on some of the better instincts that are easily trampled asunder in the heat of peer pressure and lust.
Also, as far as your thoughts about depression, this is also concerning. There is nothing wrong with having a one on one with your priest about that too – they are there to listen. There are also therapists who do that for a living, though it can be expensive, especially if insurance doesn’t cover, but most policies cover at least a few sessions–there is even a site with listings of catholic therapists.
 
strawberry01 said:
Please help me, because I feel as if bound to end up in Hell. I try to live my life as a Christian but I seem to fail again and again, especially with things like not having sex with my boyfriend, and generally doing my duty in all areas. I can also be a very unkind person at times…I know God forgives, but I just feel so unworthy…every time I mess up, it seems less and less likely that I’ll ever manage to be a good person 😦 .

I know this sounds very self-pitying, and I am feeling particularly down today, but in general I am very fearful for the state of my soul. I feel as if I’m in a downward spiral that I can’t stop, and I habitually do things that I’m so ashamed of. I wonder if I’m suffering from depression or something, or is this just a spiritual problem? How can I get out of this black cloud? I’d appreciate any wisdom that you may have to offer because I’m getting near to despair at the moment and I hate being this way…

Sarah
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Thank God that He has given you a sound conscience. He is showing you what in your life is bad and what needs changing.

Too many people go through life not noticing that their behaviour will lead them to Hell if they continue without repentence.

It isn’t easy. Life isn’t easy. But with the grace of God you will succeed. I have been a Catholic all my life and I still find confession difficult at the best of times. For a long time I wouldn’t go to my own parish for confession because I did not want to confess to someone I knew.

My advice now however is, wherever you go to Confession, go there regularly because the better the priest knows you, the better he can help you.

God bless

Elizabeth
 
I often notice people in my life have some similarity with me that draws us together in an “unseen” way – who knows, maybe your boyfriend has some of the same yearnings deep down and you bringing it out in the open might be just the thing he needs as well to act on some of the better instincts that are easily trampled asunder in the heat of peer pressure and lust.
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I think this is true of my boyfriend and I, when we met he was not a Christian but through talking about it with me and reading some books, he has become a Christian too 🙂 . He’s not a Catholic but he is looking into the Catholic Church so that is promising at least.

We have a agreed to try to wait until we get married which because we are students can’t be for another few years. He’s supportive of that, but in practise we are finding it difficult…although I think we are improving overall.

As for confession…it’s still scary, but this friday afternoon my student chaplaincy has a special “confession afternoon” to prepare students for Christmas and the holidays…so I am plucking up the courage to go to that!

Thanks again for all the encouraging posts…I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to make more use of confession, maybe that will help me in my struggles.

I’d love to pray the rosary too as one of you suggested, but being new to this and not having had a lot of formal instruction, I have no idea how to :o .
 
Dear friend,

I’m glad to hear you feel better and especially that you decided to go to confession soon. That is very important, I even suggest you read Scott Hahn’s book (he’s also a convert) Lord Have Mercy. In it he says: “When I am weekly, I am strong”. Weekly confession is highly recommended by many saints, eg. St.Josemaria Escriva. He went twice a week himself - and he was a saint!
Anyway make a firm resolution not to sin again and follow the advice you got here already about avoiding occasions of sin like being in a room alone with your boyfriend etc.
Another point is that your weakness is exactly what makes you unique in God’s eyes, and it is what makes him show mercy uniquely to you. If you were to deny your weakness, you would deny God’s mercy, so accept yourself in your weakness because God does. But even though God loves you just like you are, he loves you too much to leave you like that - through his grace he wants to make you more and more perfect - a saint! So courage, and remember, a saint is not someone who never falls but someone who faithfully gets up every time after each fall! Just like Jesus did on the Way of the Cross…he fell…and he rose.
God bless
E
 
People are always talking about “making a good confession”, whatever that is. Look, confession is not a test you have to pass. I mean, when they teach you these things in RCIA, they teach them the same as they taught you in high school to always write an outline before starting out on whatever it is you had to write. Teaching is teaching, real life is real life.

Don’t worry about it. Just go in and confess as best you can, and then leave with joy in your heart that you have been forgiven in God’s infinite mercy and compassion for you. The Priest, as the intermediary, guarantees that this is so according to the Faith, no matter what his qualities or failings as a Priest, and no matter how “good” your confession was, as long as it was sincere (and according to the catechism, even a confession how of fear of going to hell is valid).
 
Sarah - however you feel, try not to fall into despair. That would be giving up on yourself and God never gives up on you, regardless of what you do. If He continues to love and believe in you, wouldn’t it be kind of an insult to Him to disagree? His real concern is not that you make mistakes, but that you always strive for goodness and always express your sorrow at offending him through confession. We are all at different places in our journey, but that is not the important thing. The important thing is that we keep moving in your journey, regardless of where we are. One thing that I always remember is that God is our perfect most loving parent. When you are feeling down on yourself, and not worth much, imagine if you had a precious child and after making a mistake he came to you crying that he didn’t deserve your love anymore. What would you do? Kick him out of your house? No, of course not, you would pull him close and hug him! You would want to be closer to him than ever. Now, realize that God is infinitely more loving and forgiving than even that. Yes, detest your failings - that is good. However, don’t give up and detest yourself. Run to your Father crying out to him, rest yourself in his arms, and let Him forgive and help you. He is closer to you now than you will ever know.

LT
 
strawberry01 said:
As for confession…it’s still scary, but this friday afternoon my student chaplaincy has a special “confession afternoon” to prepare students for Christmas and the holidays…so I am plucking up the courage to go to that!
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The Sacrament of Reconciliation is a real gift. If you go frequently, the embarassment will diminish and will be overwhelmed by a sense of peace and joy with the knowledge that you are forgiven and can start again fresh. One of the devil’s greatest victories is to keep Catholics away from the grace and forgiveness in the Sacrament.

Also, I’d encourage you to try to get to daily Mass as often as you can. It’s spiritual food that will give you peace like nothing else can.

God Bless
 
strawberry01 said:
Please help me, because I feel as if bound to end up in Hell. I try to live my life as a Christian but I seem to fail again and again, especially with things like not having sex with my boyfriend, and generally doing my duty in all areas. I can also be a very unkind person at times…I know God forgives, but I just feel so unworthy…every time I mess up, it seems less and less likely that I’ll ever manage to be a good person 😦 .

I know this sounds very self-pitying, and I am feeling particularly down today, but in general I am very fearful for the state of my soul. I feel as if I’m in a downward spiral that I can’t stop, and I habitually do things that I’m so ashamed of. I wonder if I’m suffering from depression or something, or is this just a spiritual problem? How can I get out of this black cloud? I’d appreciate any wisdom that you may have to offer because I’m getting near to despair at the moment and I hate being this way…

Sarah
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Is your boyfriend a Catholic or dedicated to any particular religious denomination? If the pre-marital sex is REALLY bothering you, you need to tell him it is. If you can’t talk to him about it, then it must not be that big of a deal then to you. Your conscience is telling you to change what you’re doing. Now it’s up to you to try. 😉
Good luck! I know it’s easier said than done.
 
Just a comment on a prior post by STARLING about making a “good” confession. Yes, its important. A “good” confession is one where you’ve thoroughly examined your conscious. The books help. Why “guess” when you have all the answers in front of you! I don’t remember anyone saying to make a mountain out of a mole hill in reference to this post. Confession is an integral part of speaking to Christ. Telling him how you feel, want to feel and desire to feel is very important and wording it to the priest(Christ) is also important. If the assistance is available why not use it!!! The books will also tell you not to despair but to trust in Gods everlasting MERCY!!! GO ahead and purchase one. Its ok.
 
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