Am I in the wrong or is she?

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TomS333

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There’s a girl who I used to have feelings for. Let’s call her Ruth. She’s an altar girl at her church.

Ruth and I were really good friends for ages before and for a while after I asked her out. She started flirting with me in September 2016. I confessed my feelings for her in December of 2016 and she said No. She and I stayed friends until the end of November 2017.

It was October 2017 when Ruth suddenly decided she felt uncomfortable around me “because I had feelings for her” even though she knew I was in a relationship and no longer had an interest in her. I was warned not to talk to her. Then the very next day, she was perfectly happy to speak to me again and started to chat with me online too(1). The following week my gf broke up with me, and Ruth decided that I fancied her again and accused me of harassing her the week before when I was only responding to her messages (2/3).
Then we began speaking again throughout most of November until she insulted me and I took offence. I told her that she’d upset me but she then walked out of the classroom and reported me to Student Support at our college.
They assumed that I had spoken to her “because I fancied her” too, so they didn’t actually listen when I tried to tell them that Ruth upset me, and they certainly didn’t listen when I said I was over Ruth. The Student Support Officer told me never to contact Ruth in any way ever again (4). I contravened that instruction by sending Ruth an email trying to apologise in case I had done anything, trying to explain that I was over her and that she had upset me (5). The Student Support Officer gave me a lecture on “It’s okay to have feelings for people but…”, proving that they didn’t listen to a word I said. Her Dad phoned the college and threatened that he would phone the police if I ever harassed his daughter again.

I very much feel like I’m being punished for being the victim. I haven’t spoken to Ruth since the last of these incidents but she keeps giving me dirty looks whenever I walk into the room (6). I hate her and now I want to hurt her (7), I don’t think I will hurt her, it’s just a desire to see her punished. I just can’t forgive her.
I heard her bitching about me earlier today to one of her friends, and it just made me so angry. I managed to walk away and cool off though.

(1) Does this nullify her “don’t speak to me rule”?
(2) Did I actually do something wrong?
(3) Is this a normal thing for a girl to do?
(4) Is this fair?
(5) I realise I perhaps shouldn’t have but was I justified in sending this email?
(6) How is she justified?
(7) Is this justified?
(8) (a) Was I in the wrong at all?
(8) (b) Was she in the wrong at all?
(9) How can I sort it out if I can’t talk to her and the person who is supposed to help won’t listen to me?
 
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Run, don’t walk the other way. Cut off all contact with her and move on. It doesn’t’ really matter at this point. Just learn from this. When she started acting weirdly in 2016, you should have disconnected form her.
If she continues to harass you, report it. Otherwise forget about it.
 
Dear Tom,

You say “I hate her and now I want to hurt her (7), I don’t think I will hurt her, it’s just a desire to see her punished. I just can’t forgive her.” Do you understand where this is coming from?

Let me ask you a question: Are you able to stop these thoughts of hate, can you offer your frustration to God and move on with your life? Thinking about this as a matter of justice is wrong. If the answers to the above questions are “no”, I invite you to go to confession and look for psychological support.
 
Whatever the case is, do NOT let this woman back into your life.

I say this because some people say that as long as the woman wants back, then the man should welcome her.

Absolutely not. Both parties have to agree. I think she has made her position clear.
 
This is a painful situation. Unfortunately, “Ruth” is proving to be quite a “crazy person”. I would recommend you follow her advice and the advice of the Student “Support” Officer and avoid her from now on.

I know it hurts to be the victim of unjust shunning, and to have everyone believe you are in the wrong. Sometimes these injustices can’t be avoided, because our culture is so slanted towards giving women the benefit of the doubt because of the myths about “oppressive patriarchy”.

Take the opportunity to offer up this suffering as a just punishment for the sins of your past. In humility, ask God for healing.

I would also recommend discussing your experience with a priest, and asking for counsel on how to emotionally handle this matter.
 
Ruth sounds like a mentalist tbh, you don’t need friends or romantic involvement with someone who thinks this is an appropriate way to treat someone. Better off just giving her a wide berth imo 👍
 
It seemed fine to me in 2016. She flirted with me, I assumed she liked me. I asked her out, apparently she didn’t. But as I said, we stayed as “just friends” after that.
And I did try to forget about it. But when I heard her talking about me behind my back today, it triggered everything again.
 
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Dear Luca,

No, I don’t understand where these thoughts are coming from.
I had been able to shut out the thoughts of hate, but they’ve been sparked again and now they feel stronger and are bearing down on me.
Thank you, I will consider confession and support.
 
Next time, when you get friend-zone, cut off all contact.

She’s a psycho but you’re acting foolish by not recognizing it and staying as far away from her as you can.

Don’t ever acknowledge her again. Not even to respond to her. If she apologizes, walk right past her like you never even saw her. Save any and all communication you have had with her, and any communication she sends you in the future. Consider getting a restraining order against her.

Stay safe, buddy.
 
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She seemed fine for the first few months. She still seemed fine when I asked her out, it was only later on that she attacked me.
But as I have said and tried very very hard to point out to everyone: I don’t like her any more. I have moved on. So I’ve no desire for a friendship with her let alone a romantic relationship.
 
Thanks ChunkMonk.
I noticed she’s a psycho but only with me.

The Student Support Officer implied that I maybe need to see a counsellor for the way I behave toward Ruth.
 
TomS333 said:
(1) Does this nullify her “don’t speak to me rule”?

(2) Did I actually do something wrong?

(3) Is this a normal thing for a girl to do?

(4) Is this fair?

(5) I realise I perhaps shouldn’t have but was I justified in sending this email?

(6) How is she justified?

(7) Is this justified?

(8) (a) Was I in the wrong at all?

(8) (b) Was she in the wrong at all?

(9) How can I sort it out if I can’t talk to her and the person who is supposed to help won’t listen to me?
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  1. No. She reached out to you, not the other way around. You probably should not have responded.
  2. Asking her out while you were in a relationship and failing to cease communication with her at her request.
  3. No.
  4. No.
  5. No.
  6. She (and the student support officer) asked you not to contact her and you did.
  7. See above.
8a. See above.

8b. Yes, she should have not contacted you after telling you to not contact her.
  1. It’s already sorted. Don’t contact her again.
Also, if this is upsetting you this much it’s possible that you are not completely over her. Just something to think about during your daily prayers.
 
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TomS333 said:
The Student Support Officer implied that I maybe need to see a counsellor for the way I behave toward Ruth.
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I would be ready to lawyer up. In fact, you should probably speak to a lawyer very soon. Not trying to scare you, but I see another accusation coming. Probably an assault accusation. Don’t talk to anyone without a lawyer again.

Do. Not. Have. Any. Any. Any. Contact with her or her friends.
 
For (2), I asked her out, she said no. I moved on to a different girl. I didn’t ask her out while I was still in a relationship. (Sorry if that was unclear.)

For (1), Why would she reach out to me if she still didn’t want me to contact her?
Surely, if I say “don’t speak to me” then I send you a message expecting a reply, you should reply and that should overrule my initial “don’t speak to me”??
 
Most of our friends are mutual. That’s the problem with being in the same classes.
 
I think this is a situation where we are only getting a very one-sided and biased portrayal of what is actually happening, which means any opinions we can offer are not going to be especially helpful.

@TomS333 instead of focusing on who is right or wrong, justified or not, I am going to suggest you focus on the steps you can take in this situation. I agree with your Student Support Officer that maybe some counselling is in order; it will help you better understand interpersonal relationships and give you better skills to navigate the complexities that can arise. It can also give you the skills needed to move forward in the same social circles in a way that is healthy and productive.
 
Yes, that was unclear. Yet you still responded after she told you not to speak to her. I understand how you would think that her reaching out would nullify her request, but the right thing to do would have been to not respond.

You’re going to be fine. Just follow your student counselor’s rule and cease contact even if she attempts to make contact. You don’t need to avoid your mutual friends. If they ask just tell them you are respecting her wishes to leave her alone.
 
They’re not your friends anymore. They are threats. Consider changing classes. Consider filing a complaint with your college and definitely talk to a lawyer about getting a restraining order.

Word of advice. Don’t ever apologize for something you didn’t do. Ever again. Now it looks like you were harassing her because you apologized.
 
It’s certainly a tough position. You may have also contributed something you don’t see. Either way you are clearly obsessed with this situation and maybe this is giving off a vibe you don’t intend. But whatever the situation, let this be. You maybe the perceived victim but victimizing the situation and wishing her to suffer some consequence will do you no good. Put it behind you, find some other outlet for your thoughts, spend more time with friends, or whatever to keep this from being front and center in you brain. You are only prolonging the eventual closure of this situation.
ChunkMonk said:
They’re not your friends anymore. They are threats. Consider changing classes. Consider filing a complaint with your college and definitely talk to a lawyer about getting a restraining order.

Word of advice. Don’t ever apologize for something you didn’t do. Ever again. Now it looks like you were harassing her because you apologized.
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You’re just escalating the situation. Apologizing and owning your part of the situation is not weakness, this is a mistake many men make. It also shows a lack of self-refection.
 
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