Am I just supposed to sit quietly and watch?

[LizKirb]

Do you guys ever feel like you’re the “bad guy” who always tells people what they’re doing is wrong? I mean, since I was a kid, I cannot watch somebody do something that’s wrong and not tell them. I tell my inner voice to shut up when my friends do things that I don’t like, but I find it almost impossible to keep my opinions to myself. I try to present my opinions in a sensitive manner (it’s not like I’m a total screaming bulldozer), but I’m really starting to think people are resenting me for it. And really, this isn’t really even a Catholic thing. This is kind of a “morality in general” thing. And I think it’s something that’s gone on my whole life and I’m just now realizing it. We’re in this culture of “accepting everything”, even when some of it is obviously wrong, and I just can’t accept things I see as wrong. It’s not a matter of “different views” for me, it’s a matter of “this is obviously wrong and your acceptance of such activities is wrong.”

I always seem like I’m “ruining their fun” and people make me feel like a massive party pooper. And when I do say something, they just laugh it off as “moral Elizabeth just being moral Elizabeth.” Keep in mind, most of my friends aren’t Catholic and some aren’t even Christian. It’s not that they are bad friends, but they basically disregard what I have to say because all their other friends support their immoral activities and I don’t. In these people’s groups of friends, I am completely alone in being moral. They’re under pressure from other people to have sex, drink, etc. and I’m the only one in the background saying that they shouldn’t do that. I have no chance against all those other friends.

For example, one of my friends lost her virginity tonight to some guy she barely knows and all this time, we’ve both talked about saving our virginity for someone we love and then she just gives it up. I had a moment where this all hit me and I felt like it wasn’t my place to comment on it and when I asked her, she said I had no right to comment on her choices. People are starting to not tell me things in fear that I’ll tell them that they’re wrong, and that really bothers me. But at the same time, tonight she did something really wrong and she’s a friend of mine. I honestly had to say something.

Do any of you guys have experience with this? I’m really tired of being seen as the “moral party pooper” in the group when really, outside of the scope of moral lectures, I’m a blast to be around. Granted, they still love me for who I am, but their other friends support their immoral activities while I alone am the one condemning them. Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut? Is it my place to comment on the morality of their activities? It brought me to tears tonight. I’m just tired of being seen as the “party pooper.” I’m normally a person very strong in my morality and my views, but now I just feel so broken and like I’m realizing this for the first time. I know some people aren’t gonna like me for my morality in general, but when my own friends who accept me as a whole, morality and all, don’t even want to listen to what I feel I have to say, I feel really hurt and like I may be too overbearing with my morality. What do you all think?

 

[wanabesaint]

what are we doing in situations and places that lead to this type of temptations in the first place?

Talk is talk, our actions and what we really do are the true teachers of what we are and do…

Delusion of Granduer is not what Jesus was about, but more so a true example to pickup our cross, and to hold to a true example for others to follow in every sense and action…

the final line is , lead us not into temptations, guess that means to not be in places, situations, or try those things that eventually lead us to sin…

 

[jpjd]

LizKirb, stay strong. Walking the walk is exactly what being a Christian is all about. You are doing that and your friends are not. And not only are your friends are straying off the path, they don’t like it when you point that out to them.

It may be time to gravitate toward another group of friends whose choices more closely align with yours. It’s hard enough to do the right thing, without having your own friends making you feel like there is something wrong with that.

 

[eonporter]

Short answer to you question: no.

But that doesn’t mean you are supposed to tell people what they did wrong or even judge them by that. If you get too judgmental, you will just scare people away.

What you are supposed to do as a Christian is to just set the example. Do what is wright and let people learn through your actions. Live a holy life and drag people behind you with your love and enthusiasm. That’s the wright thing to do.

About your friend who lost her virginity to a nobody, give her all your compassion in the due time. Soon enough she will realize the made a mistake, and it will hurt. Be there for her, and give her hope. She will need your faith when the time comes.

 

[SlackerCatholic]

A true friend will risk the friendship in order to try to save the friend.

Honestly, this sounds exhausting. You need to make some friends that are more compatible. Some friends enter our lives for a reason, some for a season, and very few for a lifetime.

 

[mayxanh]

Short answer to you question: no.

But that doesn’t mean you are supposed to tell people what they did wrong or even judge them by that. If you get too judgmental, you will just scare people away.

What you are supposed to do as a Christian is to just set the example. Do what is wright and let people learn through your actions. Live a holy life and drag people behind you with your love and enthusiasm. That’s the wright thing to do.

About your friend who lost her virginity to a nobody, give her all your compassion in the due time. Soon enough she will realize the made a mistake, and it will hurt. Be there for her, and give her hope. She will need your faith when the time comes.

 

[mayxanh]

LizKirb, stay strong. Walking the walk is exactly what being a Christian is all about. You are doing that and your friends are not. And not only are your friends are straying off the path, they don’t like it when you point that out to them.

It may be time to gravitate toward another group of friends whose choices more closely align with yours. It’s hard enough to do the right thing, without having your own friends making you feel like there is something wrong with that.

Yes, being Christian today means bravely accept to be counter cultural. This is the cross for us to bear.

 

[ChurchSoldier]

Wow. I think what others have said sums up what I would. You are running into the great Christian dichotomy of being in the world but not of the world. It is actually similar to Christ. EVERYONE he was around was more sinful than him, yet except for those in public power we do not see him going out of his way to condemn them. He existed in the midst of sin, yet modeled love. Being loving yet non-critical is a difficult balance. As others have stated, it might be that you find a new group of people to hang out with.

In the same way we need to remember, in Christs eyes, even the best of us are more sinful than the worst of what you see. In other words, we need to look at the “worst offenders” and realize we are as great sinners as are they in God’s eyes. If we want God to have mercy upon us, we should practice mercy to them. They know your thoughts by your actions. You don’t need to say one word to them because your actions, or inaction really, of not participating in the same types of things they do lets them know you don’t approve of it. If they ask your opinion you can give it as gracefully as possible, but if they’re not asking…

Good luck.

 

[Allegra]

In the case of your friend, you probably really upset her because she probably already regrets what she did. Maybe you could try a different approach. Let her know that you are her friend and you are there for her, even if she makes a mistake. She probably already feels “dirty” and “cheap” so she doesn’t need you to confirm those feelings. Instead, talk to her from a positive point of view. Tell her that she is a wonderful girl and she deserves better that what she is giving herself. Tell her you wish her real love and hapiness. Tell her that she isn’t broken now and she can still continue to live chastely until God brings her the kind of man she deserves. You can do the same when talking to your friends about their other sins. Instead of telling them how wrong they are, go at it from the angle that God wants more for them and they are worth it.

 

[Slowride]

Ask yourself this question, “Am I leading out of love or self-righteousness?” I continually have to ask myself this question.

It is good that you see error, but not every occasion is an opportune moment to give correction. First build a trusting relationship with the one you see in sin to a point in which they ‘trust’ your love for them. You will have much better results.

God bless,
Bob

 

[Slowride]

In the case of your friend, you probably really upset her because she probably already regrets what she did. Maybe you could try a different approach. Let her know that you are her friend and you are there for her, even if she makes a mistake. She probably already feels “dirty” and “cheap” so she doesn’t need you to confirm those feelings. Instead, talk to her from a positive point of view. Tell her that she is a wonderful girl and she deserves better that what she is giving herself. Tell her you wish her real love and hapiness. Tell her that she isn’t broken now and she can still continue to live chastely until God brings her the kind of man she deserves. You can do the same when talking to your friends about their other sins. Instead of telling them how wrong they are, go at it from the angle that God wants more for them and they are worth it.

Nice!

 

[ephesians4]

In the case of your friend, you probably really upset her because she probably already regrets what she did. Maybe you could try a different approach. Let her know that you are her friend and you are there for her, even if she makes a mistake. She probably already feels “dirty” and “cheap” so she doesn’t need you to confirm those feelings. Instead, talk to her from a positive point of view. Tell her that she is a wonderful girl and she deserves better that what she is giving herself. Tell her you wish her real love and happiness. Tell her that she isn’t broken now and she can still continue to live chastely until God brings her the kind of man she deserves. You can do the same when talking to your friends about their other sins. Instead of telling them how wrong they are, go at it from the angle that God wants more for them and they are worth it.

This is a wonderful post.

I would follow this advice^ - this seems like the kind of attitude that brings people closer our Lord.

 

[rafarose]

Do you guys ever feel like you’re the “bad guy” who always tells people what they’re doing is wrong? I mean, since I was a kid, I cannot watch somebody do something that’s wrong and not tell them. I tell my inner voice to shut up when my friends do things that I don’t like, but I find it almost impossible to keep my opinions to myself. I try to present my opinions in a sensitive manner (it’s not like I’m a total screaming bulldozer), but I’m really starting to think people are resenting me for it. And really, this isn’t really even a Catholic thing. This is kind of a “morality in general” thing. And I think it’s something that’s gone on my whole life and I’m just now realizing it. We’re in this culture of “accepting everything”, even when some of it is obviously wrong, and I just can’t accept things I see as wrong. It’s not a matter of “different views” for me, it’s a matter of “this is obviously wrong and your acceptance of such activities is wrong.”

I always seem like I’m “ruining their fun” and people make me feel like a massive party pooper. And when I do say something, they just laugh it off as “moral Elizabeth just being moral Elizabeth.” Keep in mind, most of my friends aren’t Catholic and some aren’t even Christian. It’s not that they are bad friends, but they basically disregard what I have to say because all their other friends support their immoral activities and I don’t. In these people’s groups of friends, I am completely alone in being moral. They’re under pressure from other people to have sex, drink, etc. and I’m the only one in the background saying that they shouldn’t do that. I have no chance against all those other friends.

For example, one of my friends lost her virginity tonight to some guy she barely knows and all this time, we’ve both talked about saving our virginity for someone we love and then she just gives it up. I had a moment where this all hit me and I felt like it wasn’t my place to comment on it and when I asked her, she said I had no right to comment on her choices. People are starting to not tell me things in fear that I’ll tell them that they’re wrong, and that really bothers me. But at the same time, tonight she did something really wrong and she’s a friend of mine. I honestly had to say something.

Do any of you guys have experience with this? I’m really tired of being seen as the “moral party pooper” in the group when really, outside of the scope of moral lectures, I’m a blast to be around. Granted, they still love me for who I am, but their other friends support their immoral activities while I alone am the one condemning them. Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut? Is it my place to comment on the morality of their activities? It brought me to tears tonight. I’m just tired of being seen as the “party pooper.” I’m normally a person very strong in my morality and my views, but now I just feel so broken and like I’m realizing this for the first time. I know some people aren’t gonna like me for my morality in general, but when my own friends who accept me as a whole, morality and all, don’t even want to listen to what I feel I have to say, I feel really hurt and like I may be too overbearing with my morality. What do you all think?

I know what you mean. On a side note: You are being a wonderful, loyal and truthful friend. Your friends are just not appreciating what you are saying NOW. I faced a similar scenario as yours where my closest friend lost her virginity after I had told her that it was not the right thing to do. In the same week, she regretted it and told me she should not have done it.

You are bringing about the voice that had been silenced in their hearts. While there is certainly nothing wrong with that, I think the approach you are taking might not be the right one. No person enjoys hearing others tell them they are wrong and sinful. People generally become really offended. And because they feel offended, they feel the need to perform that act solely to “show” you that you had been mistaken.

As the above posts have suggested, “setting the example” is a good starter. But from your post, I see that you have been the example!
And it is also the way you communicate your behavior. First thing you should consider doing: finding the appropriate mechanisms in communicating with your friends. Listen to what they have to say, be patient and do not point fingers in a friendly way.

If you did manage to get into a conversation with your friend, ask thought-provoking questions! Jesus talked in parables to communicate more efficiently with his audience. Find your niche, and a more effective way in getting your friends to understand you. You could advice them and be their counsellor.
Other than that, if you feel uncomfortable with hanging out with your friends, just limit that!

God bless you

 

[dshix]

Do you guys ever feel like you’re the “bad guy” who always tells people what they’re doing is wrong? I mean, since I was a kid, I cannot watch somebody do something that’s wrong and not tell them. I tell my inner voice to shut up when my friends do things that I don’t like, but I find it almost impossible to keep my opinions to myself. I try to present my opinions in a sensitive manner (it’s not like I’m a total screaming bulldozer), but I’m really starting to think people are resenting me for it. And really, this isn’t really even a Catholic thing. This is kind of a “morality in general” thing. And I think it’s something that’s gone on my whole life and I’m just now realizing it. We’re in this culture of “accepting everything”, even when some of it is obviously wrong, and I just can’t accept things I see as wrong. It’s not a matter of “different views” for me, it’s a matter of “this is obviously wrong and your acceptance of such activities is wrong.”

I always seem like I’m “ruining their fun” and people make me feel like a massive party pooper. And when I do say something, they just laugh it off as “moral Elizabeth just being moral Elizabeth.” Keep in mind, most of my friends aren’t Catholic and some aren’t even Christian. It’s not that they are bad friends, but they basically disregard what I have to say because all their other friends support their immoral activities and I don’t. In these people’s groups of friends, I am completely alone in being moral. They’re under pressure from other people to have sex, drink, etc. and I’m the only one in the background saying that they shouldn’t do that. I have no chance against all those other friends.

For example, one of my friends lost her virginity tonight to some guy she barely knows and all this time, we’ve both talked about saving our virginity for someone we love and then she just gives it up. I had a moment where this all hit me and I felt like it wasn’t my place to comment on it and when I asked her, she said I had no right to comment on her choices. People are starting to not tell me things in fear that I’ll tell them that they’re wrong, and that really bothers me. But at the same time, tonight she did something really wrong and she’s a friend of mine. I honestly had to say something.

Do any of you guys have experience with this? I’m really tired of being seen as the “moral party pooper” in the group when really, outside of the scope of moral lectures, I’m a blast to be around. Granted, they still love me for who I am, but their other friends support their immoral activities while I alone am the one condemning them. Am I supposed to keep my mouth shut? Is it my place to comment on the morality of their activities? It brought me to tears tonight. I’m just tired of being seen as the “party pooper.” I’m normally a person very strong in my morality and my views, but now I just feel so broken and like I’m realizing this for the first time. I know some people aren’t gonna like me for my morality in general, but when my own friends who accept me as a whole, morality and all, don’t even want to listen to what I feel I have to say, I feel really hurt and like I may be too overbearing with my morality. What do you all think?

I feel your pain. I have often been in positions of discomfort due to seeing people doing bad things.

There is an important principle here which I wish to clarify. (If someone else has said this already, sorry, I didn’t have time to read the thread.)

You are observing the first spiritual work of mercy, admonishing the sinner. This spiritual work requires that we admonish, or correct, people around us who are sinning out of ignorance, laxity, or other similar causes. However, there is a rule to the rule. You are only obligated to correct those over whom you are likely to have a positive effect on, and in a case where it is likely that you will be able to cause them to change their way of acting. Indeed, you should only do it with people who you know will receive your correction properly; it may do harm if the received improperly.

There are two factors which enable you to appropriately correct another person: authority and influence. If you have authority over a person (teacher to a student, or boss to an employee, parent to child) then you have a right and duty to correct and direct that person when they do wrong. If you have influence over a person, you are capable of speaking to them privately to try and convince them that their action is not a good thing, and you are able to wield your influence to try and help them.

If you have influence AND authority, you are able to both influence them as a friend, and command them as a leader, to change a bad part of their lives.

This means that you do not need to and SHOULD NOT try to correct people at parties who you do not know. You have no influence, no authority, and you will get nowhere, but rather will likely do only harm.

So, this means you will often be around people who are doing bad things. You may make small suggestions what these things are wrong, when the right moment comes, but you should not go around like the morality police calling anyone and everyone out on anything. That is why you are considered a party pooper.

Furthermore, I suggest that you find better company. If you are having so much trouble with friends at parties doing all kinds of horrible things, separate yourself. There is no use attempting to change them when it is only you against the world; it is likely that the world will prevail on you first.

I hope this was helpful.

 

[LizKirb]

Thanks for the responses!

I just wanted to clear some things up. I really am sensitive to other people’s feelings and present what I think in a gentle manner with my friends. When my friend did what she did, I told her that I was not mad at her, but that I was more shocked and disappointed. I told her that she’s a great girl and that I will always be there for her. I did exactly what you guys said before I even wrote the post. I don’t preach hellfire and brimstone and I always let my friends know that I love them when they do something wrong. I’m always there to pick them up when they go down, and they seem to know that, which is good. I’m usually one of the first people they run to when they mess up big time. They’re not perfect and neither am I. If they’re already feeling bad about themselves, I’m not gonna rub it in.

I have two groups of friends. These are not people I necessarily want to dump. I have a huge group of Catholic friends from college who support me and are just wonderful people, but I also have these friends from before I went to college over a year ago. These were my high school friends, and they’ve never done anything to hurt me personally. They don’t even know what they do when they just brush me off. They’ve listened to me cry, supported me during a weight loss surgery, and been there when I needed someone. They don’t make that many immoral decisions, but when they do, I’m the one who always points it out. For instance, one of my friends left the Church after admitting his homosexuality. He is in a relationship (probably sexual) with a guy right now and parties a bit too hard for his own good. But he’s one hell of a good friend. I can’t just dump people because they’re “more sinful” than I and make my life a little more difficult. I figure that maybe I can help them by example and that maybe one day, even if they’re not Catholic, they’ll learn to “imitate” my good example.

And it’s not like I preach morality and go around having sex on the side or anything. I’ve always been a very straight and narrow girl. I would never tell somebody that something is wrong if I participate in it myself except, you know, if it’s one of those sins everybody does on occasion. I try to set the example by my actions, and hopefully I do, but sometimes a little verbal support helps. This is where I run into the problem.

I don’t put MYSELF in sinful situations. My friends do it on their own and they are back at home away from my college. I don’t literally go up to strangers at parties and correct them. The only time I’ve ever done that is when I saw a guy trying to take an obviously drunk and vulnerable girl upstairs for “fun.” I knew that wasn’t going to end well, so I did intervene there. By “party pooper”, I mean that I ruin their sinful fun (having sex, drinking, watching porn etc.), not actually going to parties and ruining their fun.

And thank you for telling me I am a good friend. I really pride myself on that. I’m a lot of bad things, but I don’t think I’m a bad friend. There was actually a case a few years ago where one of my best friends was getting the noodles (apparently cr-p is a bad word on this site) beat out of her by her boyfriend and being raped after he got her drunk. She ended up getting pregnant, but had a miscarriage. Her boyfriend finally succeeded in isolating her from me, her other friends, and her family and she, being the “battered woman”, stood up for her boyfriend. I mean, this guy hated me after I called him and told him that if he ever laid a hand on my friend, I was going to call the police on him. Of course he swore he didn’t. I HAUNTED this guy for the sake of my friend, even though she yelled at me for condemning him. I told her that she needed to ditch him and that she deserved better, but he fed it into her brain that I was just trying to “destroy their love.” Eventually, she stopped talking to me. About a year and a half later I get a message from her saying that she was so sorry and that my advice was right the whole time. She said that my advice was the advice that got her to finally get away from her boyfriend. It was so rewarding. After all I went through to keep her safe and all the rebuttal I got from her, I finally knew that I had done the right thing, even though it cost us our friendship for a while.