Am I justified to feel this neglected?

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cliore22

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I am having a day where I am at the end of my rope. Married with one child. 16 years of marriage. We’ve been through therapy several times…etc. Both Catholic.

We are going through financial problems… we moved last year across the country for my new job - I carry the financial weight in the family. Well, I was recently informed that I may be cut in the spring. I have started interviewing for any job I can find and also trying to develop other skills by taking classes on the weekends to improve my marketing abilities. I have traveled out of town for either an interview or a class 6 times in the last 2 months. My husband stays home with our 8 year old. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m gone…will just ask me to email him my itinerary. I feel like nothing but a paycheck to him…right now. Our child cries when I leave on the weekend …because Mommy is going away again. But, my husband just tells him I have to do it…so I can help us get a nice new house. Nice, right?

Well, this morning I was near tears because I had a scheduled meeting with my boss about the status of my job. My husband wished me luck but that was about it. On the way to work my car stalled in rush hour traffic and my husband didn’t respond to calls or texts. I handled it and got a tow/ride to work etc…and he eventually texted an hour later “oh no…are you okay? hope so”.

He never wished me luck about the job meeting and didn’t check to see how it went …until about 5 hours after the meeting. I purposely didn’t text him because I wanted to see if he would even care enough to ask.

I’m feeling like our marriage is dead. this issue about lacking concern for me …is nothing new. We talked about it in therapy…and I’ve brought it up over an over again. He IS better at helping out with our son…and other little things. But, on major issues like jobs/finanical security…I feel like I carry all the weight.

What do I do??
 
I don’t know what to say…it just sounds so strange! I would think that it might be stress, but you say it is always like that. Do you guys have communication problems in other areas? As silly as it sounds, does he feel neglected in some way and is childishly taking it out on you like this? Is it just his natural personality to not be thoughtful? Is the relationship that he has with you similar to how he was raised?

Please don’t give up on your marriage! I know you have been to therapy before, but maybe you can try a new counselor? Maybe someone affiliated with the Church?
 
I think this is just how he is… We have been over it before and I have to realize you can’t teach someone compassion. He’s stepped it up… But today is a good example that he just can’t “get it”. I don’t think more therapy will help. However we talked to a priest and that didn’t help either. He just suggested we have more sex! Bizarre. His theory is the physical side of the relationship may be something that could draw us closer. But after today the last thing I want is to have sex! I’m not thrilled… Even though I haven’t told him.
 
cliore22 said:
I am having a day where I am at the end of my rope. Married with one child. 16 years of marriage. We’ve been through therapy several times…etc. Both Catholic.

We are going through financial problems… we moved last year across the country for my new job - I carry the financial weight in the family. Well, I was recently informed that I may be cut in the spring. I have started interviewing for any job I can find and also trying to develop other skills by taking classes on the weekends to improve my marketing abilities. I have traveled out of town for either an interview or a class 6 times in the last 2 months. My husband stays home with our 8 year old. He doesn’t seem to care that I’m gone…will just ask me to email him my itinerary. I feel like nothing but a paycheck to him…right now. Our child cries when I leave on the weekend …because Mommy is going away again. But, my husband just tells him I have to do it…so I can help us get a nice new house. Nice, right?

Well, this morning I was near tears because I had a scheduled meeting with my boss about the status of my job. My husband wished me luck but that was about it. On the way to work my car stalled in rush hour traffic and my husband didn’t respond to calls or texts. I handled it and got a tow/ride to work etc…and he eventually texted an hour later “oh no…are you okay? hope so”.

He never wished me luck about the job meeting and didn’t check to see how it went …until about 5 hours after the meeting. I purposely didn’t text him because I wanted to see if he would even care enough to ask.

I’m feeling like our marriage is dead. this issue about lacking concern for me …is nothing new. We talked about it in therapy…and I’ve brought it up over an over again. He IS better at helping out with our son…and other little things. But, on major issues like jobs/finanical security…I feel like I carry all the weight.

What do I do??
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Does your husband work?
 
I’m not seeing that he’s doing anything majorly wrong, at least as you’ve described the situation. He may be a bit distant, but you sound really needy. Could you offload the emotional side of this problem to a girlfriend, at least for the moment?

I think that you need to have a family meeting with your husband with regard to your imminent job loss.
  1. You need to make a plan for living on your expected reduced income. Can you reduce housing and transportation costs? Extracurriculars for the kid? Cook at home more economically? Have a look at your insurance plans, phone plan, internet plan, etc. Bear in mind that COBRA is very expensive.
  2. You need to start or enlarge an emergency fund, because this is an emergency.
  3. You need to make a plan together to regain the income you expect to lose. Do you want him to go back to work? What are the tradeoffs? You would need to figure out backup care arrangements for your child. (I have a 10-year-old who has missed 6 consecutive days of school due to illness this year.)
I think a regular weekly status meeting would be a good idea, up until the situation stabilizes. Keep it friendly and businesslike. You are trying to solve a fixable problem, not have it out with him over why he isn’t meeting your emotional needs. Start fixing your financial problems, then work on your marriage problems when you’re feeling less financially stressed.
 
I’m sure there’s a lot more going on. I definitely think he could be showing more caring toward you but are you telling him what you need from him? Maybe he feels the strain as well but doesn’t know how to handle it or talk about it.
I hope you can talk soon.
 
Cliore, I am sorry to hear of your plight. It sounds like your spouse is just a jerk! Harsh words, but that is the reality of it sometimes and I’m a 59 year old male saying that. Any reason why he isn’t gainfully employed? Please don’t say it’s to watch your son while you work.

Sometimes people stay in loveless relationships because they feel comfortable. Maybe if you told him you wanted a legal separation/divorce he would take notice? If not, then he might not want to be married any more. In the last 6 months I’ve heard about several other women going through what you are.

Much Peace!

Mike 🙂
 
He does work full time but he makes a quarter of my salary. I’ve asked him to consider taking on freelance work or searching for more pay. He says he is what he is…and that’s it.

I just have to carry the load… I suppose. Why would I sound needy… By asking for him to care?
 
“I definitely think he could be showing more caring toward you but are you telling him what you need from him?”

Right. Don’t expect him to read your mind and don’t expect he’s going to be able to respond instantly to every phone call or text. Give him credit for the stuff that he does, rather than just giving demerits for the stuff he doesn’t do.
 
Yes I have explicitly told him to that I need more support and the feeling that I have a teammate. I have given him specific examples.

Last weekend I flew out of town for a job interview. He didn’t even drive my to the airport. I had to pay for parking. He said he was too busy with our son’s soccer game (which was 2 hours before) to drive me.
 
“He does work full time but he makes a quarter of my salary. I’ve asked him to consider taking on freelance work or searching for more pay. He says he is what he is…and that’s it.”

And so you’ll have to live on the income the two of you are able to bring home. Get him to sit down with you and figure out how to do that. And do it every week, and/or as problems arise.

By the way, I believe you’ve posted here previously about your marriage problems under a couple of different names.

“I just have to carry the load… I suppose. Why would I sound needy… By asking for him to care?”

Your emotional response seems disproportionate to the problems you mentioned in the original post here. But if you are the person who was posting previously, I realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
 
Xantippe said:
“He does work full time but he makes a quarter of my salary. I’ve asked him to consider taking on freelance work or searching for more pay. He says he is what he is…and that’s it.”

And so you’ll have to live on the income the two of you are able to bring home. Get him to sit down with you and figure out how to do that. And do it every week, and/or as problems arise.

**By the way, I believe you’ve posted here previously about your marriage problems under a couple of different names. **
“I just have to carry the load… I suppose. Why would I sound needy… By asking for him to care?”

Your emotional response seems disproportionate to the problems you mentioned in the original post here. But if you are the person who was posting previously, I realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
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I was under the same impression.

Myself I’d like a big 2-story house with a garage with a big backyard with inground swimming pool and mature trees in an affluent neighbourhood. But then I look at our paychecks and realize it’s not happening, ever. I’d like to take cruises in the Caribbean, spend a week in Hotel Atlantis in Nassau, go to the best restaurants, go to Staniel Cay or Fowl Cay (small islands in the Bahamas), it’s not happening, either. Living within one’s means can be a drag but at least it rids us of financial worries and stress, which eat away at us.
 
Xantippe said:
“He does work full time but he makes a quarter of my salary. I’ve asked him to consider taking on freelance work or searching for more pay. He says he is what he is…and that’s it.”

And so you’ll have to live on the income the two of you are able to bring home. Get him to sit down with you and figure out how to do that. And do it every week, and/or as problems arise.

By the way, I believe you’ve posted here previously about your marriage problems under a couple of different names.

“I just have to carry the load… I suppose. Why would I sound needy… By asking for him to care?”

Your emotional response seems disproportionate to the problems you mentioned in the original post here. But if you are the person who was posting previously, I realize that this is just the tip of the iceberg.
Click to expand...
I think the OP posted to get some support, and maybe a little compassion.
 
Listen, your son doesn’t need a nice house, he needs to see his
mom happy and to do fun stuff with her. He needs to be able to talk to her about things thtat matter to him, things that hurt him etc. I know you’re not in an easy situation, but try to make the most of what you can do. Your husband won’t likely change overnight, if he’s like my father, he won’t change substantially. Do you have good friends thta can give you the emotional support and love you’re not getting from your husband? You have to find a way to have your needs met, and realizing that they’re not gonna be met by either your son or your husband. Sure, your kid can bring a lot of joy and he can be a great source of happiness, but he can’t provide the security and love you need. Do you have good friends or relatives that care about you, do you get solace and support from your relationship with God?
 
I don’t think you sound “needy”. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel valued, respected and loved. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I’ll certainly keep you and your family in my prayers.
 
Evania said:
I don’t think you sound “needy”. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel valued, respected and loved. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I’ll certainly keep you and your family in my prayers.
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I agree wholeheartedly with you, Evania.
 
To answer your question… I don’t have close family. They aren’t very supportive. And I live away from all family. And it’s hard to make close friends in a new town when you are always working…, which is what I am doing.

Thank you for the support I’ve received here…
 
I also think there is nothing ‘needy’ about you. You sound like a normal human being that wants to be loved, appreciated, and feel like someone genuinely cares about you. I completely understand that, and your feelings are certainly valid. IMO, your husband sounds apathetic and somewhat lazy. I don’t think either is unfixable, but neither is easy to fix. I wish I had some concrete suggestions for you, because it stinks for you to feel this way, which is going to breed resentment and make things worse. Really, probably the only actual solution is better communication and that might just need some professional assistance. Things don’t necessarily seem to make sense or add up though, so I really wonder what deeper issues there might be.
 
Praying for you!
Did he seem more involved/compassionate early in your marriage? Or is this just his personality?
Is your husband willing/able to work some to help relieve some of the financial burden? Is that something you want him to do?
Do you get to do fun things with your husband sometimes? Maybe he feels like it’s all work and no play? What things did you do together when you first got married? Do you still find time to do them?
Could your 8 year old go with you to work, when you have to work on the weekend? (Perhaps if there are less people around, things not as high-stress/fast-paced so you could have some time together and still be able to accomplish whatever work you need to do?)
Hoping that you feel less stressed/burdened/neglected and more loved!
 
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