Am I justified to feel this neglected?

[mafh]

Is your husband good with money? If so, then maybe you could suggest that the family finances be his responsibility. You could let him take the job of organizing and planning the household finances in light of the upcoming job loss while you focus on finding a new job. Let making ends meet be his responsibility, while finding a new job is your responsibility. That way, you won’t feel like everything is on your shoulders. You could think about it like your household is a little company – you are in charge of New Business and your husband is in charge of Accounting.

 

[Mikeydell]

He has returned to individual therapy but I’m not allowed to discuss it with him. He does make me coffee in the am now and leave me love notes … But it just seems fake and contrived. I have said thank you every time and praised him but I have nicely tpld him that the big picture is far more important (job loss/support) than making coffee.

He also has encouraged me to go to lunch or drinks with high profile business men who have hit on me… Saying that I need to network better. When I told him I don’t think these guys are just wanting “network” he rolls his eyes and tells me I’m crazy.

As a man I have a problem reading this. No husband, fiance, lover, boyfriend, etc. should ever allow their lady to feel like this, especially when she’s expressed that she’s uncomfortable with the thought of having to become an object of sexual desire to advance her career. I am sure this woman knows what she is talking about here as she works in the real world. Again, this guy sounds like an immature JERK. If he were my brother in law I would take him out to the ‘tool shed’ and put the ‘fear of the Lord’ in him.

Much Peace!

Mike

 

[underacloud]

He has returned to individual therapy but I’m not allowed to discuss it with him. He does make me coffee in the am now and leave me love notes … But it just seems fake and contrived. I have said thank you every time and praised him but I have nicely tpld him that the big picture is far more important (job loss/support) than making coffee.

So he is in therapay. He is clearly making an effort to explore his emotional issues. He is making concrete efforts to communicate with you, do nice things for you, etc.

Perhaps instead of berating him for not seeing the bigger picture (you may have put it “nicely” but this is how it comes across) you could try to accept his progress and be thankful for the effort he is making.

To be blunt, perhaps you are the one who is missing the “bigger picture” at the moment? There are far worse things that can and will happen to you than losing a job! Perhaps losing this job is the best thing that could happen for your family right now and you’d all be happier.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

Here’s a different perspective.

I make 90% of the money, wife only works when she “feels like it”. It’s OK. We make enough money. As long as she’s willing to live within our means.

But she expects a lot of the emotional connection that you are asking your husband for, without providing any of the kind of connection I need.

So, like you said, the priest says have more sex, but you don’t feel emotionally close enough to want to pursue that. In my case, the therapist and my wife think I need to “check in” with her more, but she’s so demanding and cold to me most of the time (and mean to the kids) that the last thing I want to do is strike up an intimate conversation.

The point I’m making, I guess, is make sure you’re giving him the emotional connection you want to get from him. Because, in my case, the problem with my wife is that she makes it almost impossible for me to give her want she wants.

It’s not just about communicating needs. It’s about giving the love you want to get in return.

Just 2c. I wish I could figure it out for myself, much less for you guys!

Good luck!

 

[Mikeydell]

It would be nice if we could hear/read the husbands side of things here!

Remember: there are 3 sides to every story - her’s, his and the truth!

Much Peace!

Mike

 

[Chantal25]

You are going to have to hang in there. Think if you were a single mom, it would be so so much harder. If you child is safe with your husband, this is bonus.

I can understand your pain, but you tell yourself that you are doing this mainly for your child. Keep your focus on your child. Please pray, prayer truly make such a huge difference.

I pray for you!

 

[Robertanthony]

Isn’t it good that he trusts you? Maybe he honestly believes that you can handle yourself and that he has faith in you?

“He rolls his eyes and tells her she’s crazy”. That’s a sign of trust to you? Metaphorically, I’m pinching myself.

 

[Serap]

“He rolls his eyes and tells her she’s crazy”. That’s a sign of trust to you? Metaphorically, I’m pinching myself.

it depends how it was said.

 

[Evania]

It obviously was taken as disrespectful by the person it was directed toward. I choose to give the OP the benefit of the doubt…

 

[Serap]

It obviously was taken as disrespectful by the person it was directed toward. I choose to give the OP the benefit of the doubt…

and do am I. however, instead of bashing her husband, sometimes a different more positive perspective is needed to balance this thread

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I think that Serap has made some points worth considering.

It sounds like your dh does make efforts. When you’ve discussed this with him in the past, how does he respond? Does he say that he doesn’t really care about you? Or does he say that he cares but just doesn’t like to express himself as much as you want? Is it possible that the things you are describing as insufficient are what he considers to be difficult attempts to give you the attention you want?

My initial reaction to the original post is to think that maybe the expectations for what dh cares about are too high. My dh cares about me, but he doesn’t care about some of the details of my life as much as I would like him to. I have to accept that this is a function of different personalities (and maybe male-female differences, generalizations though they are). I do expect him to show me a certain amount of attentiveness, but I don’t take it personally that he is doing it out of duty and not out of actual interest. He also isn’t one to ask “how did it go” every time I come home from an important event. Again, I don’t take it personally, because it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me - it just means he doesn’t get excited about “how it went.” His personality, flaw or not, is not a reflection on his love for me.

I don’t know if this is the case with the OP, but it does sound like maybe you have to be ok with him caring about you, but not caring about all of the details. Some people are just big picture people. When the car breaks down, they think, “so you’re ok? Good. That’s all that is important to me.” Now that doesn’t excuse saying things that are hurtful - not caring is not an invitation to callousness, and if you know that a person is upset, then out of love for them, you should give them the attentiveness that they need. But keep in mind that this is hard work for a person who is not emotionally intuitive, and for a person who doesn’t feel emotions the same way you do. I don’t know if your dh is like that or not, but mine is. So I have to appreciate his efforts at appearing to care about my details, because I know that he is doing it out of love for me.

 

[VivienneJ]

I thought this am would be better but my husband forgot to put our son’s lunch in his backpack and called me on my way to work to say I needed to go give him his lunch. I was late for work 2 days in a row and he just said he couldn’t turn around…

So… I did it. Don’t want our son to suffer.

Reacting to this as an Early Years Teacher: your 8 year old should be taking responsibility for putting his own lunch in his backpack.

Hang in there! This is a tough year and your husband is a good husband from what I can see. Some men are just not good communicators or good at showing emotion. He is probably also worried and does’t want to pester you about such negative circumstances.

I honestly think your husband isn’t such a bad guy. He’s definitely not perfect and could use some better communication skills, but he sounds like a good husband.

Life can be such a letdown sometimes. Hang in there! I will pray for you guys.

I have to agree, he sounds, from these descriptions like a pretty average man. A lot of what is so important to women just does not feature on their radar, best is to accept that. Voice things that you wish could change, but bear in mind they may not.

Someone mentioned that having the wife as the major wage-earner could be a part of the problem; there could be truth in that.

Some years back a friend of ours was out of work, his wife had a stable job and they were able to live on just her salary. However, we all noticed the situation eventually affected his behaviour after a while.

 

[silentfactor80]

He does work full time but he makes a quarter of my salary. I’ve asked him to consider taking on freelance work or searching for more pay. He says he is what he is…and that’s it.

I just have to carry the load… I suppose. Why would I sound needy… By asking for him to care?

Men have done it for ages honey. Those guys never complained. Then feminism told us there is a better way. That has worked out quiet well…now women are 1 legislative act away from registering for the Selective Service. Pray for the best! That is all anyone can do.