Am I morally obligated to support this marriage?

[Beryllos]

I think Beryllos is right, be supportive and maybe you’ll be able to mend fences with him. Give them the opportunity for a fresh start. If you and your other cousin do attend it could be a significant gesture that they would appreciate.

Thank you pewvivace and beryllos for your advice.

Seems to me that the possibilities of a fresh start have been repeatedly given and squandered. Fool me once, shame in you; fool me twice, shame on me. Giving him more opportunities for a fresh start seems like madness by now, as he’s had numerous times to straighten up his act.

I’d like to like him, really.

I was not saying you should patch things up with him. I don’t think that is possible, unless a miracle happens. What I am thinking is that it would be good to maintain or strengthen ties with her, so that if she later realizes the marriage is hopeless, if she decides to leave him, or if she needs someone to run to, you could be there for her, at least as an advisor and maybe a helper or defender.

 

[Petaro]

I can now understand a bit more of your confusion. I still would not see my way clear going as the groom sees you as a threat to his overbearing control of your cousin and it would seem as if you are condoning what will eventually be a disaster or something you read about in the newspapers after someone dies.
In saying that, you cannot discard your cousin to whom you owe loyalty given her previous support. So I would ignore his ban on contact and either continue ringing or seeing he personally to offer support. I would consider developing a plan based on the expected emergency of the future where she will need somewhere to go for her own protection. Despite her addiction, she should listen to a contingency plan you could support her with. Good luck, but stay away from the wedding.

 

[yellowbird]

I can now understand a bit more of your confusion. I still would not see my way clear going as the groom sees you as a threat to his overbearing control of your cousin and it would seem as if you are condoning what will eventually be a disaster or something you read about in the newspapers after someone dies.
In saying that, you cannot discard your cousin to whom you owe loyalty given her previous support. **So I would ignore his ban on contact and either continue ringing or seeing he personally to offer support. I would consider developing a plan based on the expected emergency of the future where she will need somewhere to go for her own protection. **Despite her addiction, she should listen to a contingency plan you could support her with. Good luck, but stay away from the wedding.

I agree with this - and this is also the reason I would go. The groom knows the cousins don’t like him - I think all of you should show up like an army so he sees he has zero power to separate her from her family who love her. I can only imagine the weird mind games the groom would play on her if everyone stayed away from the wedding - they don’t love you - I am the only person you’ve got… etc. etc.

Go - don’t let anyone come between family. She needs you, and so does your Godchild.

Lord have mercy. What a sad situation.

 

[3DOCTORS]

OP, you aren’t obligated to support this “marriage” anymore than you’re obligated to support the local dogfighting ring. Please try to disentangle your feelings of personal responsibility. I speak from experience of seeing a cousin I was so close to in childhood take the same path. It did make distance between us, though at a family gathering one time she admitted she’d chosen an a---- and I listened and I don’t know if she would know that I feel so bad for how her marriage must be. There’s a “codependent” streak in her family, the making excuses for the bad behaviors or disapproving but providing material support (like your family allowing the man to live under their roof) - contradiction between beliefs and actions. It’s not hard to understand - the parents may be just as afraid of this guy.

Be praying for her and maybe willing to shelter her and the child or help her - but this is a deeply rooted problem. Even if she leaves him, she may go back repeatedly. The relationship began too young and now is the template for what she thinks relationships are. It’s very sad.

Have a Mass said for her. I weigh in on the side of not attending the wedding both because of the non-validity but also because if it were me, I’d feel like a hypocrite smiling at someone like this man when I’d really like to read him the riot act.

 

[EasterJoy]

Quick question, theoretically if this were a sacramental marriage and binding in the Eyes of God, would your advice be any different?

It’s not relevant in my case, but it is interesting to explore.

Theoretically is right, because it is hard to believe an abusive relationship such as you describe is ever going to be the stuff from which a valid marriage could be made. I’m no expert, but to a layperson it sounds as if you are describing testimony for a decree of nullity.

Would I go if her husband were merely someone I didn’t like personally, but with whom I think she could be contracting a sacramental marriage? Yes, I probably would. I would advise her that her husband deserves someone else in the wedding party, were she to ask, but if they invited me, I’d come to their church wedding and pray for their welfare. The reason I would not go to the wedding you are describing is that in all good conscience I’d have to conclude it was not valid and possibly a mortal danger to the bride. I don’t have all of your information, however. If in doubt, I’d ask my pastor about it, since I trust his prudence totally.