Am I my mother's keeper?

[TarkanAttila]

My mother is a diabetic and an alcoholic. She has a bad habit of drinking at night - which tends to cause a low blood sugar that she cannot get out of. This can lead to diabetic coma, ketoacidosis, and death. She knows this. She’s not stupid. She’s had diabetes for 40+ years. She just does not act responsibly.

I just moved out two weeks ago. My sister moved out with her boyfriend (another problem for another time) about a year ago. My sister insists on keeping an eye on our mother precisely because we both know she has bad habits. I keep telling sis - and myself - mom is responsible for her own health, and death, if she drinks the night before. Sis is constantly scared that Mom will die. I don’t blame her.

We came over today - and I type this from my mother’s very computer - because she was not responding to our calls.

But are we our mother’s keeper?

 

[OraLabora]

My mother is a diabetic and an alcoholic. She has a bad habit of drinking at night - which tends to cause a low blood sugar that she cannot get out of. This can lead to diabetic coma, ketoacidosis, and death. She knows this. She’s not stupid. She’s had diabetes for 40+ years. She just does not act responsibly.

I just moved out two weeks ago. My sister moved out with her boyfriend (another problem for another time) about a year ago. My sister insists on keeping an eye on our mother precisely because we both know she has bad habits. I keep telling sis - and myself - mom is responsible for her own health, and death, if she drinks the night before. Sis is constantly scared that Mom will die. I don’t blame her.

But are we our mother’s keeper?

Yes, you are.

But not her enabler. I suggest counselling and Al-Anon to help discern the difference and be able to provide meaningful help without feeding her alcoholism.

I know it’s a thankless task but it will be rewarded greatly in heaven.

 

[LSK]

My mother is a diabetic and an alcoholic. She has a bad habit of drinking at night - which tends to cause a low blood sugar that she cannot get out of. This can lead to diabetic coma, ketoacidosis, and death. She knows this. She’s not stupid. She’s had diabetes for 40+ years. She just does not act responsibly.

I just moved out two weeks ago. My sister moved out with her boyfriend (another problem for another time) about a year ago. My sister insists on keeping an eye on our mother precisely because we both know she has bad habits. I keep telling sis - and myself - mom is responsible for her own health, and death, if she drinks the night before. Sis is constantly scared that Mom will die. I don’t blame her.

We came over today - and I type this from my mother’s very computer - because she was not responding to our calls.

But are we our mother’s keeper?

I am an alcoholic too (sober date 5.4.1992). I understand your mother. She is not being irresponsible, she is in the throes of a horrible disease that is killing her; however, you cannot make yourself responsible for keeping her sober.

I would have a quiet and honest talk with her and your sister, together. I would say, “I love you very much, Mom, and I only want what is best for you. I also know that you want only what is best for Sissy and me and you would never in a million years do anything to intentionally hurt us. You have diabetes. You are an alcoholic. I get that you do not want to be either of these, but you are and because you are there are certain behaviors you should adopt in order for you to have a full and healthy life. I cannot make you do any of them. I have a great deal of respect for you and believe you have a right to live your life anyway you wish, as long as the way you are living does not negatively impact me. Therefore, in order for me to demonstrate to you how much I respect and love you, I am not going to take any responsibility for your behavior UNLESS you are asking me for help to stay sober and treat your diabetes in the appropriate manner. Anything else you do, I cannot support or be responsible for and I know you would never in a million years expect that of me.”

now listen…you have to be prepared for something…you have got to be prepared for the fact that your mother will never get sober and you may find her dead. Not every alcoholic CAN get and stay sober…it is a horrible disease and kills most of us. Last week I buried a wonderful woman who struggled for over 20 years to get and stay sober. The longest she was able to put together in terms of sobriety was 18 months. The last phone calls she made was one to each of her daughters. They did not take the call because she was drunk and abusive. After three days of not hearing from her or being able to rouse her on the phones they went to her house and she was dead.

Be prepared. Pray and ask St Monica and St Max Kolbe for help.

 

[RPRPsych]

Yes, you are.

But not her enabler. I suggest counselling and Al-Anon to help discern the difference and be able to provide meaningful help without feeding her alcoholism.

I know it’s a thankless task but it will be rewarded greatly in heaven.

Very well said.

Though, if these avenues fail, prayer is always our most powerful weapon. Praying for you and your mother.

 

[As_for_my_House]

About being your mother’s keeper…

“Am I my brother"s keeper?” This means, in your case is that you are responsible to your mom to help her when she is *willing to be helped *like offering to get her to AA *if *she wants to go.You have already done this. You are also obligated not to do anything that would lead her into more sin and slavery, for example purchasing alcohol for your mom or helping her find keys to the car when she is drunk. You are responsible to call 911 if she overdoses or has a diabetic episode on alcohol, then let people who are trained and emotionally detached from the situation deal with your mother when this happens.

You are not responsible to be hyper-vigilant to an adult who is determined to destroy her health and well being. She was free will (her enslavement to alcohol was her choice) and you can not be responsible where you do not have control. You do not have control over the bad choices of another adult. You have the right and obligation to protect yourself from being pulled into the pain, suffering and drama of watching a loved one destroy herself.

Please take good care of yourself. God bless you.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I just moved out two weeks ago. My sister moved out with her boyfriend (another problem for another time) about a year ago. My sister insists on keeping an eye on our mother precisely because we both know she has bad habits. I keep telling sis - and myself - mom is responsible for her own health, and death, if she drinks the night before. Sis is constantly scared that Mom will die. I don’t blame her.

You are right, your mom does have her own choices to make you are not responsible for.

As well, your sister has the right to make her choices, which sis is responsible for. Which means, if your sis wants to keep an eye on mom, let her, but don’t get sucked into the game. Make your choices and live by them

 

[TarkanAttila]

I feel better about what I am doing, and have been decisive, assertive about my decision.

I think my message has gotten through. At least to my mother. She is taking OK care of herself, it seems to me. Thank you for the advice. Your prayers are always appreciated as families navigate changing relationships.