Am I not meant for marriage?

[ImmaCatholic]

OP,

I am a few years younger than you, but I think I know what you’re experiencing.

First, you keep saying that you think you are not attractive but I bet that this is not the case. Remember, you are your own worst critic, and I have seen very very beautiful people feel insecure about their looks at times as well. We always look at ourselves more harshly than at others, so please do not think that you are unattractive because as I said, you are probably not

Second, you feel very exhausted and sick a lot. So do I, and so do many people. At 21, I am assuming that you are still a student. So am I, and I work most of the week. I feel tired and nap all the time, wayy more than any of my siblings or parents. You’re young and you’re probably under stress, which can make you tired.

You mention that you would not be a good mother because children listen to others but not you. When I volunteer, they don’t listen to me either! in fact they believe that I am the party in the room since I look very very young for my age, and they know that I am not strict. They’re probably a lot more intidimated by the other women that tell them “no” simply because they see them as more serious, hence why they listen to them.

Point is, these issues you mention are not so bad and are not as uncommon as you would think! Sometimes I question whether or not I will ever be married, but I know to focus on other things (like myself!) and if the right man comes along he is welcome to be apart of my life.

God bless you therose01. You seem like a very genuine, intelligent, and honest person, and I feel very optimistic for your future, so pleaseee do not worry so much.

 

[therose01]

Thanks everyone for your advice and help, it means a lot to have this support.

It’s true that nuns/sisters need to be in good health too. So perhaps I’m not suited for that either… I’ve been praying to God for so long, to please show me a sign and guide me to my vocation. There is one in Italy that was interested and wanted me to go there but they have not answered now and not sure how that would go with my studies.

Some of my friends also say that the reason so many men has rejected me is that God is protecting me because he knows I’m not ready for marriage at all (no confidence, can’t study well, not attractive etc). But somehow I feel that they are just sugarcoating the situation. Do you really have to be 100 procent ready to marry just to talk to someone and date? Many have relationships for years before they marry - surely you can develop during this time? I added several guys from Facebook and they all rejected. One that I had seen in my school, two from my Church (one of them had a Concert and I thought he was looking at me a few times). So the fact that all these guys saw my photo and just thought ‘ew, no’ is so devastating to my self-esteem.

I am attracted to men, yes. The thought of intimicy sometimes does scare me a bit but other than that I am attracted to them.

Sorry if I come off as negative. I just don’t have any positive traits aside from being kind to people. Others say I’m too quiet and such. When I went to a nightclub with my friend a few times in Spain, the guys were only ever interested in my friends and never ever in me. Again, a proof I’m not so beautiful. One woman did come up to me in a supermarket and tell me I was pretty but that was just out of pity. Beauty is not everything and our inner beauty is the most important, but this doesn’t seem to be the way people see things.

As for being a sister, the thought brings me some sort of peace. I wouldn’t have to worry about people finding me unattractive. I could live far from wordly things and focus on being holy. The best part - i could help others. Offer support and love to those in need, the homeless, the depressed, the women who has escaped violence etc. I will be contacting my priests regarding this issue and see what they say. I tried messaging the nuns in my Church but they never replied.

Anyway. I know it probably comes off as ‘‘oh well I can’t get married so let’s become a nun’’ but thats not the case. Sure, initially my plan wasn’t to become a nun. I always thought that in this age I’d be outgoing, have lots of friends. Instead I almost have social anxiety because I am so used to being called too quiet and embarressed over how I look, have never had a boyfriend. But from all of this, the idea of being a nun was born. However I am conflicted because it does seem like being called to be a nun is being able to say no to suitors and still want to be a sister. So I have to put myself in the scenario, if I was to meet an amazing guy now, would I still want to be a sister? If I was to be selfish, one side of me would want to be married yet another side of me would want to be a sister. If I was to be unselfish, I would not be married. Why? Because the man deserves so much more. What do I as a tired nauseated, dumb-ish supershy woman have to offer to a great guy? Nothing. Not even beauty in my case. So isn’t those reasons alone a sign that marriage is just not for me and that I, if not called to be a sister, is just called to live a single Life?

I will keep praying about this. Thank you for the advice, again. May God bless you.

 

[Sarcelle]

Thanks everyone for your advice and help, it means a lot to have this support.

It’s true that nuns/sisters need to be in good health too. So perhaps I’m not suited for that either… I’ve been praying to God for so long, to please show me a sign and guide me to my vocation. There is one in Italy that was interested and wanted me to go there but they have not answered now and not sure how that would go with my studies.

Some of my friends also say that the reason so many men has rejected me is that God is protecting me because he knows I’m not ready for marriage at all (no confidence, can’t study well, not attractive etc). But somehow I feel that they are just sugarcoating the situation. Do you really have to be 100 procent ready to marry just to talk to someone and date? Many have relationships for years before they marry - surely you can develop during this time? I added several guys from Facebook and they all rejected. One that I had seen in my school, two from my Church (one of them had a Concert and I thought he was looking at me a few times). So the fact that all these guys saw my photo and just thought ‘ew, no’ is so devastating to my self-esteem.

I am attracted to men, yes. The thought of intimicy sometimes does scare me a bit but other than that I am attracted to them.

Sorry if I come off as negative. I just don’t have any positive traits aside from being kind to people. Others say I’m too quiet and such. When I went to a nightclub with my friend a few times in Spain, the guys were only ever interested in my friends and never ever in me. Again, a proof I’m not so beautiful. One woman did come up to me in a supermarket and tell me I was pretty but that was just out of pity. Beauty is not everything and our inner beauty is the most important, but this doesn’t seem to be the way people see things.

As for being a sister, the thought brings me some sort of peace. I wouldn’t have to worry about people finding me unattractive. I could live far from wordly things and focus on being holy. The best part - i could help others. Offer support and love to those in need, the homeless, the depressed, the women who has escaped violence etc. I will be contacting my priests regarding this issue and see what they say. I tried messaging the nuns in my Church but they never replied.

Anyway. I know it probably comes off as ‘‘oh well I can’t get married so let’s become a nun’’ but thats not the case. Sure, initially my plan wasn’t to become a nun. I always thought that in this age I’d be outgoing, have lots of friends. Instead I almost have social anxiety because I am so used to being called too quiet and embarressed over how I look, have never had a boyfriend. But from all of this, the idea of being a nun was born. However I am conflicted because it does seem like being called to be a nun is being able to say no to suitors and still want to be a sister. So I have to put myself in the scenario, if I was to meet an amazing guy now, would I still want to be a sister? If I was to be selfish, one side of me would want to be married yet another side of me would want to be a sister. If I was to be unselfish, I would not be married. Why? Because the man deserves so much more. What do I as a tired nauseated, dumb-ish supershy woman have to offer to a great guy? Nothing. Not even beauty in my case. So isn’t those reasons alone a sign that marriage is just not for me and that I, if not called to be a sister, is just called to live a single Life?

I will keep praying about this. Thank you for the advice, again. May God bless you.

Do you have any interests or hobbies?

You can start with that. Develop hobbies and or interests and then join groups that share in that hobby.

You can interact based on common interest. As an introvert, I get my energy from ideas and nothing energizes me more than discussing ideas with others who share my interests.

Even better, this is not like dating where you feel like you are being judged constantly on how physically attractive you are. There is nothing of that sort here. It’s just like minded people getting together.

You can try looking for good old fashioned friendship first. This may help build up your social confidence.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I never dreamed or fantasized about marriage being a little girl - all I wanted to do was become a doctor and have a dog and live with friends. Being 21, I have not had a boyfriend, spoken to a guy online whom I never met but that was it. I’ve been thinking about becoming a nun for a while but my mind is very conflicted.

People always say why are you so quiet. I’m not cool/hot/witty or anything like that. As I mentioned, never had a boyfriend. I have gotten rejected by many guys when I tried for example adding them on Facebook. My health is not good, although I don’t have a diagnosed disease I am often really tired (have gone to the doctors endless times with no results), nausea on and off, bowel pain… I would not make a good wife, because i doubt many men want a wife that’s either tired or has nausea, is boring, unattractive. I’ve tried wearing a lot of makeup, wearing trendier clothes but that gives me even less attention from men.

I wouldn’t be a good mother either. In my freetime I volunteer for a Church and sometimes there are children’s groups there. I like the kids and they like me when we are playing and such, but I cannot make them listen to me at all. Other women can come and say ‘‘no, sit there’’ and they listen but when I do, they don’t care… Not only that but childbirth will be a huge challenge for me because of some troubles I have, so the only option for me would be a C-section.

Anyway, all of the above leads me to think I’m not meant for marriage and that maybe being a nun is for me. I have contacted some monasteries and one is really interested. Being a nun would be great in so many ways. I could focus on God, helping people who are lonely etc.

But I’m so scared. Scared to maybe wake up in 20 years and think that I made a mistake. One part of me thinks I’m meant to be a sister, another thinks that maybe I want a husband. One side of me yearns for the love and care of a man, romance, a man’s attention etc. But because of all the reasons listed above, I don’t think I’m suitable for that. Can someone please offer any advice. I truly do not know what to do.

You need spiritual direction, not advice on the internet.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You need spiritual direction, not advice on the internet.

I agree.
With respect to the dating and marriage thing, people have made some good statements about gaining self-confidence and developing your hobbies and interests.

But with respect to entering a religious order, you should be speaking with a spiritual advisor who can help you discern if you truly have a vocation. Internet posters can’t properly help you with that and it has nothing to do with whether you date or have confidence or social skills.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I agree.
With respect to the dating and marriage thing, people have made some good statements about gaining self-confidence and developing your hobbies and interests.

But with respect to entering a religious order, you should be speaking with a spiritual advisor who can help you discern if you truly have a vocation. Internet posters can’t properly help you with that and it has nothing to do with whether you date or have confidence or social skills.

And I wouldn’t ask for advice on these Forums under any practical circumstances. Ever.