Am I obligated to convalidate my young marriage?

[lillies09]

Thank you for taking the time to read this question. I am truly struggling with anxiety and depression about this and really need some advice.

I was baptised Catholic as a baby and made my First Holy Communion. I chose not to make my Confirmation in middle school and fell away from the faith. I was married to a man with the same background as mine at age 18 by a Church of Christ pastor. We have been married 2 years and have not made much progress in our marriage, or even our relationship for that matter. I have been attending Mass again since Good Friday and have learned that my marriage is not recognized by the Catholic Church. My husband and I lack closeness and I feel I am in an empty marriage. We are still very young and not at all financially able to have children, and I wouldn’t want to have children now anyway given the state of our marriage, as we both have divorced parents and have experienced the hardship of growing up in an unhealthy family. What are my obligations to my husband, the Church, and most importantly to God? Is there a good reason to try to “work it out” again? If we truly feel we made an immature decision to marry (at least in a legal sense), are we sinful to divorce and apply for an annulment?

Thank you for your time.

 

[puzzleannie]

welcome home

you are obligated to do everything you can to return to right relationship with God and his Church and eliminate all in your manner of living that is sinful. for many of us who make life decisions without the guidance of the Church that often means rectifying a marriage situation. YOu need to see a priest about your personal situation. No the Church will generally not be in a hurry to convalidate a rocky marriage. You need pastoral care, including confession, but beyond confession. See your priest today. he can provide or refer you for the help you need.

 

[smichhertz]

Hi lillies09,

Welcome to CAF! I’m sorry you are dealing with such a troubling situation.

The above poster gave you good advice, you should seek the counsel of a priest. It isn’t necessarily a sin to divorce and seek annulment, but a priest will be able to better determine whether or not you should.

I will be sure to pray for you.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Your decision will be a tough one. You really need to seek pastoral care from your priest or deacon that can meet with you both in person. If you choose to stay together than you will need to convalidate once your marriage is more stable. At this point you should not be receiving Eucharist unless you choose to live as Brother and Sister. I am so sorry this has made coming back to the Church difficult - but remember those things worth most gratifying are often the things that take the most work.

 

[Warrior1979]

The other posters have given good advice.

FWIW, I’ve been through an annulment and convalidation. The one thing I would advise anyone that plans to get married (which includes convalidation) in a Catholic Church is absolutely do not do it unless you are absolutely certain that the person you are marrying is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

If we truly feel we made an immature decision to marry (at least in a legal sense), are we sinful to divorce and apply for an annulment?

In the eyes of the Church, you are not considered married, so there is nothing to divorce from their perspective. It is a requirement, though, to handle the civil matters if you were to marry someone else. That matter of the annulment will vary depending on what country you live in.

 

[lillies09]

Thank you all for your kind replies. It is so nice to finally be able to let this out. I don’t know if I am ready to talk to anyone in person though… I just don’t know if I can. I do so badly want to resolve this… This is all I think about lately. I just don’t know if I can open up to a priest or deacon even though I know it would probably be helpful.

The thought of having to confess all of this and have it resolved is terrifying, but the thought of living in this empty marriage any longer hurts even worse.

Thank you for listening.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Please speak to your priest - but ultimately even he cannot tell you what to do. The decision will have to lie with you.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Hi lillies09 . . . it’s wonderful that you are seeking light and understanding re marriage from the Catholic perspective . . . as two baptized Catholics . . . *as a couple *. . . you have missed out on . . .so very much . . . in your marriage . . . in regard to the blessing and the sweetness of God’s holy loving presence and His blessed help in your young non-sacramental marriage . . . the blessed holy Sacrament of Marriage within our Holy Mother Church . . . opens up infinite holy and loving doors of day to day communion . . . peace . . . love . . . and joy . . . between a man and his wife as a couple . . . each with the other . . . which truly . . . cannot . . . be found in all its fullness outside the blessed Sacrament of a valid Catholic marriage . . . which lively marital communion can deepen . . . moment by moment . . . day by day . . . over a couple’s years of living and working together on their marriage . . . through both good times and times of hardship . . . in Christ it can become a wonderfully alive . . . thriving . . . loving . . . generous growing relationship . . .

Your first step in resolving your healthy concerns re the validity of your marriage . . . is simply to make an appointment with a priest . . . to begin sorting out your individual marriage situation . . . just call the church office and tell the secretary you want to make an appointment to discuss the possible convalidation of your marriage with the priest . . . it’s as easy and simple as that . . .

In the Catholic Church the holy state of matrimony is carefully regulated and protected by Canon Law. . . out of Godly love for both the good of the husband and of the wife & children . . . I gathered together a little research data for you . . . which might help you prepare for your appointment and chat with the priest . . .

To address your first concern re neither of you having been confirmed . . . below is the portion of Canon Law addressing this concern . . .

****. . . :coffeeread: . . . ****
**THE CODE OF CANON LAW **

**CHAPTER I: PASTORAL CARE AND THE PREREQUISITES FOR THE CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE **

**Canon 1065.**1 Catholics who have not yet received the sacrament of confirmation are to receive it before being admitted to marriage, if this can be done without grave inconvenience.

:compcoff: Link: catholicdoors.com/misc/marriage/canonlaw.htm

To address the convalidation issue . . . below is another portion of **Canon Law **and following it is a quote from one of the CAF apologists . . . which might provide further light . . .

****. . . :coffeeread: . . . ****
**THE CODE OF CANON LAW **

**CHAPTER V: THE FORM OF THE CELEBRATION OF MARRIAGE **

**Canon 1108.**1 Only those marriages are valid which are contracted in the presence of the local Ordinary or parish priest or of the priest or deacon delegated by either of them, who, in the presence of two witnesses, assists, in accordance however with the rules set out in the following canons, and without prejudice to the exceptions mentioned in cann. 144, 1112.1, 1116 and 1127.2-3.

:compcoff: Link: catholicdoors.com/misc/marriage/canonlaw.htm

. . . :coffeeread: . . . **
Convalidation** (or validation) is the technical term used in **Canon Law **to describe what most people refer to as having a marriage blessed in the Church. …

In the scenario you describe, the Catholic couple’s marriage may be invalid due to a violation of canonical form. Code of Canon Law (CIC) states,

“Only those marriages are valid which are contracted before the local ordinary, pastor, or a priest or deacon delegated by either of them…” (CIC 1108)

; and “Marriages are to be celebrated in a parish where either of the contracting parties has a domicile, quasidomicile, or month long residence or, if it concerns transients, in the parish where they actually reside. With the permission of the proper ordinary or proper pastor, marriages can be celebrated elsewhere” (CIC 1115).

Note: Canon 1117 makes this further clarification:

“The form established above must be observed if at least one of the parties contracting marriage was baptized in the Catholic Church

or received into it and has not defected from it by a formal act…”

If the marriage is invalid then the couple may be living in a state of fornication. Before receiving the Eucharist they should either have their marriage convalidated or resort to living as brother and sister.

- CAF Apologist Jim Blackburn​

:compcoff: **Link: ** forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=14882&highlight=convalidation+of+marriage

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Sweet Spirit of our Holy God+​

 

[Muze]

Thank you for taking the time to read this question. I am truly struggling with anxiety and depression about this and really need some advice.

I was baptised Catholic as a baby and made my First Holy Communion. I chose not to make my Confirmation in middle school and fell away from the faith. I was married to a man with the same background as mine at age 18 by a Church of Christ pastor. We have been married 2 years and have not made much progress in our marriage, or even our relationship for that matter. I have been attending Mass again since Good Friday and have learned that my marriage is not recognized by the Catholic Church. My husband and I lack closeness and I feel I am in an empty marriage. We are still very young and not at all financially able to have children, and I wouldn’t want to have children now anyway given the state of our marriage, as we both have divorced parents and have experienced the hardship of growing up in an unhealthy family. What are my obligations to my husband, the Church, and most importantly to God? Is there a good reason to try to “work it out” again? If we truly feel we made an immature decision to marry (at least in a legal sense), are we sinful to divorce and apply for an annulment?

Thank you for your time.

Read 1 Corinthians 7.

If women are obligatged to stay with non-believers who do not wish to leave, then certainly women who are married to believers are obligated to stay, as well.

 

[adrift]

Read 1 Corinthians 7.

If women are obligatged to stay with non-believers who do not wish to leave, then certainly women who are married to believers are obligated to stay, as well.

This is true only if there is a valid marriage which under the circumstances seems unlikely. As others haves said, please see a priest asap.

 

[Jesus_123]

+Below is an excellent list for preparing for the convalidation of a marriage . . .

****. . . :coffeeread: . . . ****
SEVEN STEPS TO THE
CONVALIDATION OF YOUR MARRIAGE

Being married in the eyes of the Church involves more than just paperwork. The
government sees marriage as a legal contract that can be easily broken. In contrast, the
Church views marriage as a sacrament instituted by God, a permanent covenant between
husband and wife.

Catholics who want their marriage recognized as this permanent and sacramental
covenant should begin the convalidation process by making an appointment with their
parish priest. …

1. First, all Catholic spouses must produce new copies of their certificates of
   baptism. These can be obtained by requesting a copy of the baptismal record from the
   parish where the person was baptized, indicating the name of the individual (as well as
   the names of the parents), date of birth and approximate baptismal date. …
2. It may be necessary to seek an annulment …
3. This next step is a difficult one. Couples who approach the Church for
   convalidation are requested to abstain from sexual union until after the official
   convalidation ceremony. Until a marriage is deemed sacramentally valid, Catholics who
   marry outside the Church are considered to be living in a sinful condition and the
   Church wishes to shield her members from further sin. The couple may remain together
   but should refrain from conjugal acts, relying on their faith to strengthen their resolve in
   this discipline. Why does the Church insist on such stringency? Paul states in the latter
   part of Ephesians 5, “The two shall become one flesh. This is a profound mystery, but I
   am talking about Christ and the Church.” Paul reiterates this truth in I Corinthians
   6:16b-17: “The two will become one flesh. And he who unites himself to the Lord is
   one with Him in spirit.” From these passages of scripture, it is clear that God intended
   Christian marriage to mirror the relationship of faithful love which believers share with
   Christ. According to the Church, then, marriage is much more than just mutual consent.
   It is a grace-filled union that parallels the kinship of love between God and His people,
   but only within the confines of a truly sacramental marriage.
4. Canon law also requires some kind of preparation for entering the sacrament of
   marriage. …

This can rangefrom attending a short convalidation workshop and/or a pre-marriage day or
private counseling sessions. This is in addition to completing all the necessary paperwork such as marriage investigation, inquiry form, or premarital documents.

1. The next step is to attend the sacrament of reconciliation to confess and repent.
   Many Catholics who married outside the Church may be hesitant because of their long
   absence from this sacrament. … A sympathetic priest will be able to assist the penitents
   in confessing to God what is in their hearts. Absolved and forgiven, they leave the
   confessional with lighter spirits and a clean conscience.
2. Next, determine the date, time and most suitable type of Convalidation service.
   Most couples opt for a simple ceremony where they renew their consent to the marriage,
   reaffirming their continued love and commitment before God and the Church. To many,
   it feels like a renewal of wedding promises. Many couples select the date of their
   previous wedding ceremony for convenience sake and as a reminder that this is the start
   of their sacramental union in the eyes of the Church. Often their children take part in the
   celebration, making it especially memorable.

Occasionally it happens that one spouse does not wish to participate in a convalidation
ceremony, considering in his or her own mind that the marriage is already valid because
the two have publicly exchanged their mutual consent previously. In such cases, the
Church can recognize the marriage on paper in what is known as sanatio in radice,
which means “healing in the root.” The necessary documents are assembled and the
diocesan bishop proclaims in writing that the union is indeed valid. …

1. Finally, celebrate! The convalidation may take place at the main altar during
   mass or in a shorter ceremony afterwards. The priest or deacon who presides uses the
   Rite of Marriage to lead the couple in taking the original vows and renewing them in the
   context of a Catholic ceremony, thus making it a valid marriage in the eyes of the
   Church. Even in the shorter form, it is still a true wedding ceremony, including the
   readings of scripture and an appropriate homily. Depending on what the couple desires,
   they can exchange rings or have the original rings blessed as they wear them. …

Convalidation fulfills the need to get closer to the Church and to God and to build a
strong foundation for the family.

:compcoff: Link: sorrowspetawawa.com/documents/Seven%20Steps%20to%20Convalidation.pdf

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank you Holy Mother Church+​

 

[lillies09]

Really appreciate each and every one of you and your prayers and support.

You all have been very helpful and given me some comfort, as I have been feeling so alone for the past couple of years.

I’ve been having trouble praying about this, or at all, recently. It’s like I try to speak but I have no words. Almost like I don’t know where to begin. I know I need to cling to Jesus before anyone else especially during this rough time… but it’s getting to the point that each day I just feel farther and farther away.

Your prayers are greatly appreciated. I truly need them.

 

[puzzleannie]

I’ve been having trouble praying about this, or at all, recently. It’s like I try to speak but I have no words. Almost like I don’t know where to begin. I know I need to cling to Jesus before anyone else especially during this rough time… .

your instincts are correct. When we can’t pray the Holy Spirit takes over and it is He who is motivating you now. that is why the sacramental convalidation of a marriage is so powerful, it brings the couple and the family into the embrace of Jesus and the flood of his grace. It is he who “invented” marriage and he who will show you what it should be and can be.

 

[Jesus_123]

+I learned and memorized the beloved below Psalm of faith and constant encouragement as a very young child lillies09. . . and it’s been such a sweet blessing and refreshment of soul throughout life . . . it prayerfully keeps God’s caring love . . . and our relationship with Him . . . so sweetly present and real as we walk with our dear Lord . . . day by day . . . and seek out His grace, love and guidance for peaceful healthy daily lives . . . may our good Lord also bless you today and in all the days ahead with its comfort and truth . . . as you seek His guidance and gracious help resolving the difficulties your facing right now . . .

**The
23rd Psalm **

The
**Lord **
is my
shepherd;
I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in
green pastures:
**he **leadeth me beside the
still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
he leadeth me
in the paths of righteousness
for his name’s sake.

Yea,
though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil:
for **thou **art with me;
thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou
preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies:
**thou **
anointest my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.

Surely
goodness and mercy

shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell
in the house of the
**Lord **
for ever.
+

The Hail Mary
Hail Mary . . . full of grace . . . the Lord is with thee . . . blessed art thou among women . . . and blessed is the* Fruit **of thy womb . . . Jesus . . . Holy Mary . . . Mother of God . . .pray for us sinners . . . now . . . and at the hour of our death . . . Amen . . . *

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . dear Holy Loving Shepherd of our Souls+
. . . draw even deeper into Thy Sacred Heart+
. . . this Thy beloved child and her dear husband+
. . . and may we be so very careful to give Thee+
. . . all the praise and all the glory+
​

 

[lillies09]

What beautiful and sweet prayers, Jesus_123 Your devotion to the Lord is inspiring. You are full of life through Him… I long to be that way.

I treasure these prayers and your kindness to me.

 

[Muze]

This is true only if there is a valid marriage which under the circumstances seems unlikely. As others haves said, please see a priest asap.

IF they said “I do”, they have a valid marriage. Period.

 

[joanofarc2008]

IF they said “I do”, they have a valid marriage. Period.

You missed it - the OP is Catholic that was married outside of the Catholic Church without dispensation so no at this point their marriage is not valid due to lack of form most likely. This is why the OP really needs to do some soul searching with the priest - because to do a convalidation knowing the relationship is rocky would be like an engaged couple with a rocky relationship getting married regardless hoping the Sacrament would make things better.