Am I out of line?

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moosey

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Hi,

I am a long time user but needed to be discreet in order to post this because I don’t want friends or family to know about my situation.

I had a hunch something was wrong and went through my spouses emails and facebook and discovered that my significant other was seeing another person, but I did not know how far it really went. I confronted the person and they admitted a relationship but nothing happened except for going to the bar. The next day they admitted that they kissed. I forgave my spouse and we decided to work on our marriage through counseling. I also demanded all passwords for email/facebook accounts.

My problem is that I am having a hard time with trust right now. I find myself constantly looking at phone records to see if anything is still going on right now. My priest said to stop beating myself over this because it is only natural for someone to do in my situation. Bridges need to be rebuild, and its going to take time.

My other already suspects that I am looking at records and has changed passwords and deleted text messages, and I don’t want to cause a fight and then be wrong about this new number. There is also a new number that is supposedly for a coworker, but it does not match the number on the employee list and all messages have been deleted.

Advice please. Guys? Ladies?

Sorry this is so scatter brained…
 
So sorry to hear of these troubles. I have no personal experience with confronting a spouse in this kind of situation, but I would think that couples counseling would be an effective way of opening the lines of communication.

Praying for your situation,
  • curl
 
Anything like this takes time. You’ve been hurt. Badly. It’s natural you’re going to be unsure for a long while.

The problem is, while you can forgive, it is harder to forget.

Marriage and relationships are based on trust. What you have to decide is whether your trust has been truly broken to the point where you can now never trust him again, or if it’s a phase that will pass as you both settle down again. If you can’t trust him at all, or again, then it’s going to be a miserable time. And if that’s the case, there’s only two options, to try and heal together, or to decide you won’t be able to trust again and move on…because you can’t have a relationship without trust.

Either way, it’s still so soon after (or at least it seems so by your post) and no rash decisions should be made one way or another while pain is so fresh.

It seems to me you only really have two options. One is to be honest and share your latest fears and ask him upfront about your new suspicions, or try and gradually wean yourself away from this new habit of checking up on him and hope that everything will be addressed in your counselling.

One thing I would suggest is that you haven’t actually forgiven him yet. If you forgive someone, you have to really forgive them, meaning you don’t keep treating him like a cheat by constantly checking up on him or thinking the worst. If you forgive him, that should mean that you give him that space again. However, that will take time…and that’s okay. Nothing is instant, not when you’re in pain.
 
IMHO you are now hurt…but be careful. You won’t build or regain trust as long as you keep searching for mistrust . You may just fester the wounds beyond any healing.

Didn’t your mommy tell you ’ Don’t pick at it’? 😛

Praying for you and your loved one:)
 
I agree with Michael. You need time to sort this out, but also be honest with him. If you need to, suggest therapy…or a serious talk between you two. Don’t be afraid to say what you think, or even admit you have checked up on him. He must understand that your trust was broken and you need to rebuild it.

Also, talk to someone. Seriously, a friend or your Priest again…you need to talk to someone about your fears and get it out. A forum is a good sounding board, but lacks the human connection that a talk with someone can have.

I wish you all the best.
 
moosey,

my heart feels for you. you’re in pain and hurting. move down the counseling path steadily and sincerely.

it will take time for the wounds to heal and regain trust. You have to work with your spouse and cannot keep checking up on them. That will actually push them away.

I had 2 close married friends in a similar situation. They ended up making it work only after hubby stopped the constant monitoring. I strongly suggest you spend time in front of the Blessed Sacrament (if you are not already) and pray the Rosary each day to give you the strength and Grace to get through this ordeal.

Place yourself in the hands of Jesus and our Blessed Mother and they will help you to mend and get through this. As things become better pray even more.

You will make it through but you cannot do it by yourself. This prayer is for you and your spouse.

MEMORARE,
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left unaided. Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen
 
i suspect this is going to add fule to the fire:

while i have often observed that an inocent wounded spouse can make himself/ herself cukoo over their newly-acquired role as private detective,

i’ve been triply dumbfounded by the offending spouse getting exhasperated over innocent spouse’s mistrust. the offending spouse should bend over backwards and then do handstands in order to ‘prove’ s/he is above reproach. the offending spouse should be willing to spend MORE than a few weeks or months in intense effort to regain trust.

sorry, but if your spouse is tired of 'spaining to you after a few weeks outside of bar-hopping and kissy face, AND is deleting emails and palying phone number puzzles, then your spouse just aint sorry enough in my book.

Q: what’s an adudlterous spouse’s number two tool (a close second after good lying skills)?

A: convincing the innocent spouse s/he’s ‘crazy’ for distrusting.
 
I strongly agree with the above poster. While I think you should be careful not to see things that aren’t really there, I do believe that a husband shouldn’t be covering tracks if he’s supposedly in the clear. Marriage should be very open. If I was married, I would absolutely let my wife look through my messages and email, and I would expect the same from her.

Electronic communication has made such things easy to do without leaving tracks. Tell your husband that you feel shutout, or that you are having a hard time overcoming suspicion of him, and ask/tell him to be open about his activities.

I am NOT married, so I don’t know how well that would work, but you shouldn’t be hurting yourself with this sort of stress if possible.
 
If you hadn’t confronted them, would they have proceeded with the relationship behind your back? or had they ended it when you discovered it??
 
I agree that trust needs to be earned back. Deleting emails and changing passwords is not a good way to earn trust, in my opinion. Someone without anything to hide doesn’t need to do that. Maybe in time you could get to the point of not having to constantly check up on your spouse, but that only comes with your spouse earning that trust. And the longer you feel your spouse is hiding something, the longer it takes to develop trust. If ever.

Is your spouse willing to go to counseling?
 
monicatholic said:
i suspect this is going to add fule to the fire:

while i have often observed that an inocent wounded spouse can make himself/ herself cukoo over their newly-acquired role as private detective,

i’ve been triply dumbfounded by the offending spouse getting exhasperated over innocent spouse’s mistrust. the offending spouse should bend over backwards and then do handstands in order to ‘prove’ s/he is above reproach. the offending spouse should be willing to spend MORE than a few weeks or months in intense effort to regain trust.

sorry, but if your spouse is tired of 'spaining to you after a few weeks outside of bar-hopping and kissy face, AND is deleting emails and palying phone number puzzles, then your spouse just aint sorry enough in my book.

Q: what’s an adudlterous spouse’s number two tool (a close second after good lying skills)?

A: convincing the innocent spouse s/he’s ‘crazy’ for distrusting.
Click to expand...
Ditto this.
 
monicatholic said:
i suspect this is going to add fule to the fire:

while i have often observed that an inocent wounded spouse can make himself/ herself cukoo over their newly-acquired role as private detective,

i’ve been triply dumbfounded by the offending spouse getting exhasperated over innocent spouse’s mistrust. the offending spouse should bend over backwards and then do handstands in order to ‘prove’ s/he is above reproach. the offending spouse should be willing to spend MORE than a few weeks or months in intense effort to regain trust.

sorry, but if your spouse is tired of 'spaining to you after a few weeks outside of bar-hopping and kissy face, AND is deleting emails and palying phone number puzzles, then your spouse just aint sorry enough in my book.

Q: what’s an adudlterous spouse’s number two tool (a close second after good lying skills)?

A: convincing the innocent spouse s/he’s ‘crazy’ for distrusting.
Click to expand...
You’re so right.

Also, there is often the “How long are you going to punish me for my mistake???” from the offending spouse.

The offender really needs to understand they HE is the one that destroyed the trust and therefore HE needs to be totally transparent for as long as it takes.

He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. If he doesn’t like that, he can’t blame the victim. That’s just totally ridiculous.
 
monicatholic said:
i suspect this is going to add fule to the fire:

while i have often observed that an inocent wounded spouse can make himself/ herself cukoo over their newly-acquired role as private detective,

i’ve been triply dumbfounded by the offending spouse getting exhasperated over innocent spouse’s mistrust. the offending spouse should bend over backwards and then do handstands in order to ‘prove’ s/he is above reproach. the offending spouse should be willing to spend MORE than a few weeks or months in intense effort to regain trust.

sorry, but if your spouse is tired of 'spaining to you after a few weeks outside of bar-hopping and kissy face, AND is deleting emails and palying phone number puzzles, then your spouse just aint sorry enough in my book.

Q: what’s an adudlterous spouse’s number two tool (a close second after good lying skills)?

A: convincing the innocent spouse s/he’s ‘crazy’ for distrusting.
Click to expand...
This is good advice. I also recommend individual counseling for you, so that you can get some perspective.
 
I agree with monicatholic and the others.

Your husband’s accounts should be an open book. FB, texting, voicemail, the LOT! He destroyed the trust and restoring that trust takes a looooonng time. Telling you your timeline is too long is not an option.

My radar would be up if he changed his account passwords. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
 
moosey said:
Hi,

I am a long time user but needed to be discreet in order to post this because I don’t want friends or family to know about my situation.

I had a hunch something was wrong and went through my spouses emails and facebook and discovered that my significant other was seeing another person, but I did not know how far it really went. I confronted the person and they admitted a relationship but nothing happened except for going to the bar. The next day they admitted that they kissed. I forgave my spouse and we decided to work on our marriage through counseling. I also demanded all passwords for email/facebook accounts.

My problem is that I am having a hard time with trust right now. I find myself constantly looking at phone records to see if anything is still going on right now. My priest said to stop beating myself over this because it is only natural for someone to do in my situation. Bridges need to be rebuild, and its going to take time.

My other already suspects that I am looking at records and has changed passwords and deleted text messages, and I don’t want to cause a fight and then be wrong about this new number. There is also a new number that is supposedly for a coworker, but it does not match the number on the employee list and all messages have been deleted.

Advice please. Guys? Ladies?

Sorry this is so scatter brained…
Click to expand...
Even though I am young (25) I have some experience with lies and deceit. I believe that you deserve to know every bit of the truth of that relationship. Your spouse being the one who violated your trust, should start rebuilding your trust. First by telling you everything. It will hurt you but you can’t move on without all your questions and concerns being answered. I believe in forgiveness but I believe that there is a process for us humans to forgive. And it starts with knowing everything.

Your spouse has to accept that he/she hurt you and that it will take more work to rebuild it all. And he/she should guard your heart from painful reminders or anything that could cause you anxiety.

I am very sorry this has happened. I will pray for you.
 
moosey said:
Hi,

I am a long time user but needed to be discreet in order to post this because I don’t want friends or family to know about my situation.

I had a hunch something was wrong and went through my spouses emails and facebook and discovered that my significant other was seeing another person, but I did not know how far it really went. I confronted the person and they admitted a relationship but nothing happened except for going to the bar. The next day they admitted that they kissed. I forgave my spouse and we decided to work on our marriage through counseling. I also demanded all passwords for email/facebook accounts.

My problem is that I am having a hard time with trust right now. I find myself constantly looking at phone records to see if anything is still going on right now. My priest said to stop beating myself over this because it is only natural for someone to do in my situation. Bridges need to be rebuild, and its going to take time.

My other already suspects that I am looking at records and has changed passwords and deleted text messages, and I don’t want to cause a fight and then be wrong about this new number. There is also a new number that is supposedly for a coworker, but it does not match the number on the employee list and all messages have been deleted.

Advice please. Guys? Ladies?

Sorry this is so scatter brained…
Click to expand...
As others here have said, he needs to be completely transparent and open about his computer and cell phone accounts. If he continues to hide things, it means he has something to hide.
 
Dear moosey,

You might want to take a look at this group, since they deal with issues of spousal trust and infidelity:
forums.catholic-questions.org/group.php?groupid=380

This is the description:

"Women Suffering Because of Unchastity (Group created by bmaj)

If you are a woman whose husband, boyfriend, or someone you care about has viewed inappropriate, unchaste materials or continues to view them and you are trying to cope with the hurt you’re feeling, please join us for support and suggestions to help you.
(Women only please. Content is viewable by members only.)"

Praying for all who are affected by damaged relationships,
  • curl
 
Thank you for all the advice; it does help hearing outside voices from people who do not know me.

My ‘other’ said that they were hoping I found out because they felt trapped in that situation. They also said that it would have stopped before it progressed to sex.
 
moosey, This is so hard and I am so sorry you are going through it. I, too, have a user name which I use just for this issue.

My husband’s affair ended over 2 years ago and it was the most painful thing I have ever been through. I appreciate the hurt you are feeling. I know what it is like to not be able to write, “husband” or especially “DH”. You are on the worst roller coaster imaginable, but God will get you through it.

Trust. This one is hard. Everyone says that you can’t be married to someone you don’t trust. Or that you need to trust him to rebuild. Everyone is wrong. In this case, you need safety. Your husband needs to do everything in his power to make you feel safe. If you need access to all of his accounts, he needs to give them to you. If you need him to check in with you from a land line so that you know he is where he says he is, he needs to do that for you. This is not a permanent situation so don’t worry about being hyper-vigilant right now. You will get past it. And you will get past it a lot faster than you would if he drags his feet on this.

Along with that, do not trust what they are telling you at this time. You should not be talking to her at all. She can offer you nothing. She is not your friend, obviously, and her motivations are not going to be to save your marriage. While it would be best for the two of you if he tells the whole story quickly, it is more likely than not that he hasn’t done so.

Transparency. Your husband needs to be totally transparent with you. He has been keeping secrets with the other woman. There are windows open between them while there are walls between you two. This needs to be reversed. There should be no windows betwen the two of them and any secret he keeps with her will only keep you from healing and learning to trust.

Recommendations. The book, “More than Friends,” by Shirley Glass is a good one. She is considered one of the experts on affair recovery. I strongly recommend www.affairrecovery.com. This is a Christian group which deals solely in marital infidelity. They have an excellent class for the couple (911marriageonline.com/) and one for the hurt spouse (harboringhope.com/).

You can PM me if you want. I will pray for you and your family.
 
moosey said:
Hi,

I am a long time user but needed to be discreet in order to post this because I don’t want friends or family to know about my situation.

I had a hunch something was wrong and went through my spouses emails and facebook and discovered that my significant other was seeing another person, but I did not know how far it really went. I confronted the person and they admitted a relationship but nothing happened except for going to the bar. The next day they admitted that they kissed. I forgave my spouse and we decided to work on our marriage through counseling. I also demanded all passwords for email/facebook accounts.

My problem is that I am having a hard time with trust right now. I find myself constantly looking at phone records to see if anything is still going on right now. My priest said to stop beating myself over this because it is only natural for someone to do in my situation. Bridges need to be rebuild, and its going to take time.

My other already suspects that I am looking at records and has changed passwords and deleted text messages, and I don’t want to cause a fight and then be wrong about this new number. There is also a new number that is supposedly for a coworker, but it does not match the number on the employee list and all messages have been deleted.

Advice please. Guys? Ladies?

Sorry this is so scatter brained…
Click to expand...
You are in a very difficult situation. But it is not hopeless.

I don’t think that trying to get back to life “as it was” is going to be a solid option. You both must decide to move ahead together, assuming you both have the desire and capacity.

As for you, you may not be able to trust your “old” husband, because what evidence do you have that he wouldn’t do it again, albeit more carefully? And you probably shouldn’t, not without some demonstration from him that he wishes to become totally transparent and open to you, and start a “new” beginning.

Which leads me to my second point, that he will have to decide that his actions were very destructive, and that he needs to pursue a new direction with you. Until now, he has chosen a life that contains a significant element of deceipt, playing in the shadows as it were. He may have felt a perverse sense of “freedom” by having a life larger than the one you know about, and he is going to have to want to tackle this very powerful demon. This is going to be huge for him, a real life-changer.

Which leads me to my third point, that if both you and he are willing to do this (not a small “if”), at some point later down the line, after a lot of healing, you may need to step a bit out of your own comfort zone as well. The status quo turned out to be a bit of an illusion. It may be time for you to reflect on the actions chosen by your husband. He is the one who is supposed to be closer and more trustworthy to you than anyone, but he is also the one you are supposed to know better than anyone. There is no blame here for you, honestly, but there may be some opportunity for both of you, as hard as it is to see right now in this mess that he has made.

I will remember you in my rosary tonight.
 
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