Am I overdramatic or no?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Greatmom126
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
G

Greatmom126

Guest
I have been married for almost 10 years. I have 3 kids with one on the way in 17 weeks and every year for all the holidays have been at my parents house. On those holidays, especially Christmas, it has been whatever my family wanted, going to my parents house, not having our own family time, and sitting there while my sisters may or not fight, and my dad lays on the couch and reads the paper. Every year I requested to have a holiday at my house but my controlling mother always said no, and me being the oldest and I’m the appeaser of the family and always went with it. Last year I would have protested but I was newly pregnant and didnt feel well, and ended up losing the baby 3 days after Christmas due to an ectopic.
SO this year, I have told my family, that I am spending the day at home with my kids and husband and I will meet them all at my sisters new house for dessert and visit them then. I need to have my OWN traditions with my children and husband (which since we have been married never once used his family traditions at ALL like he didnt matter) and make us a priority for once.I am getting such grief like we are being antisocial. I am the oldest of 4 girls and the only one married with children. My parents are on the way to divorce since my 55yr old father had an affair with a 25yr old. I figure this is the best time to break free and give my kids a sense of family and traditions of our own.

AM I wrong or no?

Oh and on Christmas Eve we spend the day at my grandparents house and see them ALL as well. 2 days in a row…ANd where is my inlaws? We dont see them. His parents will stop over on the way to his brother’s house, but its not a shared day with them.

Julie
 
Julie you’re not being over-dramatic. You’re doing the right thing for your family…you have every right to have a family Christmas, and join with the wider family at a separate time…and your husband’s family doesn’t deserve your family wishes to sideline their rights. I’m glad you have the courage to stand up for your own family this year. Don’t let anyone manipulate you or hassle you.
 
It’s time to start family traditions of your own. You’ve been more than dutiful. Don’t let them guilt you.

You might try something special with hubbie’s family… like make New Year’s Day brunch with them a tradition or something. They deserve time too.

But you need to put your feet up and have memories for your kids centered on your own family. You don’t need all that drama right now.
 
The inlaws are a story and a half. His parents dislike me, for no reason. They are anti social. When they see my family they are rude and dont say hello. Their daughter has no relationship with them and they tried ruining my wedding. Their other son married a woman with 2 kids 2 different fathers…abused them for years until they ran away and the grandparents sued for custody. So we have no relationship with them at all. I support my husband for seeing his parents here and there because I do not want to the the reason years later when he could say, its your fault I never talked to them. I have no use for his family at all. They hate me because I took their baby away 12yrs ago…get over it…lol
Ya im bitter…lol
 
It sounds like you have a few challenges with family!

I ask the Father in Jesus’ name to heal the hurt and natural resentment you may feel at being rejected on the one hand and presured on the other. I ask Him to help you reamin calm and focussed regardless of any family taunts about not being as fully involved with your family as usual. And that you quietly begin your family tradition in peace and confidence. I ask the peace and blessing of Jesus on you and your nuclear family, as well as all the others.

Thanks for sharing your story with us…Trishie
 
No you are not being over dramatic. I never understand why so many young families get on the road and travel back to their parents house for Christmas. But I guess it is all in what you like

Before we had children we did that. It wasn’t all that hard because we all lived in the same city. Too many years I was on duty Christmas Day so it was even more important to me stay close Christmas Eve.

When my son was born both sides wanted us at their house for Christmas, whatever we did we were gonna make somebody mad, so we settled it and stayed home. We just told everyone we were staying home, everyone was welcome just let us know how many to cook for. My folks came to be with us on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Debbie cooked and baked, and my son wasn’t yanked up and put in a car to travel somewhere on Christmas Day. When my folks left here they went to see my brother. Like I said, we all live a few minutes from each other, I’m sure that makes it easier. Our tradition is Christmas Eve supper here, sometimes we go to the Vigil and some years MidNight Mass. We enjoy having everyone here, anyone in the family is welcome, but we are a small family including the extended.

Her parents also came to see us, but her father died a few years after we married. My MIL is usually with her brother for the holidays, but she is more then welcome here.

I’m sure my son will follow the same path when he has a family. At which time my wife and I will travel to wherever they will be, hopefully that won’t be far, instead of them loading all the gifts and kids in the car and coming here, when it would so much easier for me and Debbie to just jump in the car and go.
 
Julie, stay home with your kids and husband. If your mom is really unhinged, don’t even go for dessert. pray for the protection of peace in your home.

Have a Blessed and Peaceful Christmas.
 
We had tried to go home for Christmas every time we could because, as a military family, we didn’t see our families often. On one of our last postings, one only 5 hours from my dad, DS1, on setting foot in the new MQ spotted the fireplace and exclaimed “Wow, a fireplace for Christmas, I can see us now sitting around a crackling fire!”

As Christmas drew near he asked “Can we be home for Christmas?”
to which I replied “Yes, we’re going home.”

“No, that’s YOUR home. I want to be in MY home for Christmas.”

I realized then that we had never really taken their wishes into consideration when we made our Christmas plans and had just taken it for granted that they were happy to go to their grandparents’ at Christmas.

In order not to hurt Dad (who at that time was in his 80s and a widower) and just refuse to go home, DH offered to work on Christmas Day. Instead of a full shift they used to split the shift so that each controller worked only 4 hours. We went to Midnight Mass, did the gift opening afterwards and then DH went to work at lunchtime and returned home for Christmas dinner. We went home for New Year’s Day. That way the kids got their home Christmas and Dad got to see his only daughter & his grandchildren during the season.

All this to say, “Do what’s right for your husband and children. Stay home.”
 
Greatmom126 said:
…
…So this year, I have told my family, that I am spending the day at home with my kids and husband and I will meet them all at my sisters new house for dessert and visit them then. …

…I figure this is the best time to break free and give my kids a sense of family and traditions of our own.

AM I wrong or no?
Click to expand...
You are correct in your decision.

I have two married daughters, one with two kids.

Generally a wedding includes the stating the principle of two leaving their parents and becoming one. They then become an independent family!

My relationship with my daughters changed when they married - I have not “lost” them, they just have a new home to care for.

I spent four weeks at my eldest daughter’s home in the US and ensured that any decisions they made were their’s and not mine - I am not the head of their houshold, but a guest!

I loved being a guest and am so proud of my daughter, her husband and grandchildren.

You and your husband deserve your own traditions and those who visit you, must respect them as I respect my married daughters’ independence.
 
This is the first year that we will get to stay home for Christmas, other than the year our daughter was born on Christmas Eve:) We have always gone to my husband’s grandparents
1 1/2 hours away. We have worked hard at starting our own traditions, but feel our kids are so blessed to have great-grandparents, that we wanted to see them. We moved getting together with my parents to the day after Christmas, so the kids wouldn’t be tired and we wouldn’t have to race home on Christmas day. My husband’s aunt and uncle are going to host Christmas from now on and they are having it the weekend before! So we will see his mom’s family this Sunday, his dad’s family on Christmas Eve and go to Mass Christmas Eve, they are having an early Mass for the RE families who don’t want to take little kids to Midnight Mass or 9:00am Christmas day, and then we get to stay home on Christmas Day:extrahappy: :extrahappy: :extrahappy:
 
not at all.
that’s how we were until I think the 4th or 5th kid came along and I couldn’t take it anymore
every. single. holiday. was with the in-laws or at their direction. seriously. mother’s day, 4th of July, easter, ALL holidays.
finally I took back christmas. all of christmas. christmas eve and christmas day. JUST christmas. they still get every other holiday or sorta holiday.
it’s been divine ever since.
we don’t have to be on the road
my kids can actually play with santa toys in their pjs that morning
I make a huge christmas dinner
the inlaws are more than welcome to join us
but christmas is at our house and there’s no negotiation about it
it was just insane to travel with the kids, then deal with the loading the car and such when the grandparents could easily just come over here. esp as dh is an only child
**I highly recommend it.👍 **
 
I am in a similar situation- my husband’s and my families live within 20 min. of each other, my sister and I are married to brothers who own a business together. We see way too much of eachother and at the holidays it becomes overwhelming with all the family issues that I won’t go into here.

Long story short- I admire you for sticking up for your own family. Your children are only getting older- time flies! You need time to develop your own traditions. When you marry you become one with your husband and God and unfortunately sometimes that means sacrificing time with your extended family.

Pray about it- pray the Serenity Prayer and Have a Merry Christmas!
 
There’s nothing overdramatic about making your own holiday traditions. 🙂 DH and I spent Thanksgiving with just the two of us and it was a wonderfully relaxing holiday. Now I’ll probably be hosting Christmas dinner for the extended family, but DH and I are going to have a quiet Christmas eve together–I think the holidays are best when you make an effort to be social but you also don’t loose your own special family time in the process. 🙂
 
I posted a similar concern titled “Exposing Children to Bad Family for Christmas,” and I actually did have several people tell me to go ahead and expose my kids. But after several days of deliberation between my husband and me, we decided that we are not exposing our kids and we are spending Christmas day in our own home this year! My big concern was that I was expressing a spirit of “unforgiveness” toward those family members that I saw as a problem. I am finally realizing that I do forgive those people in the family that have caused so much pain, but that does not mean that I am going to stop putting my children first just to make these extended family members feel better.

Another idea I’ve been tossing around is “Where in the Bible does it say we must gather with family on December 25th or we are mortal sinners?” Don’t we call it the Christmas season? So we are going to see EVERYONE within 24 hours of Dec. 25th and if they don’t like that they are being “overdramatic.”

It makes me want to say a special prayer for all of us young mom’s who are just trying to do the right thing this Christmas season.
 
I think that as much as possible small children should be in their own home on Christmas morning.

Now that doesn’t mean that you should *never *travel to visit extended family or go on a vacation for Christmas. And if extended family lives nearby you can certainly visit them later in the day.

But I think that the best thing for young families is if most years children go to sleep in their own beds and spend the morning at home with parents, siblings, and any extended family that is visiting. Children love to have the opportunity to actually play with their gifts (and if possible show them off to the neighbor children.)

…oh, and of course the nuclear family should go to Mass together at some point, whether that means Christmas Eve, midnight, or Christmas morning.
 
susananne said:
I am in a similar situation- my husband’s and my families live within 20 min. of each other, my sister and I are married to brothers who own a business together. We see way too much of eachother and at the holidays it becomes overwhelming with all the family issues that I won’t go into here.
Click to expand...
Same thing with us. Going ‘home’ for Christmas meant the following scenario:
  • My Mom & Dad took our kids to the Family Mass on Christmas Eve while we went to a DH family friend’s for an Open House.
  • We came back home to tuck the kids into bed and kiss them goodnight.
  • DH & I went to Midnight Mass.
  • We all gathered at my parents’ home after Midnight Mass to open presents and then either took the kids to my cousin’s 2 doors over for the party or we went and my Dad stayed home with the kids
  • We dropped into bed around 3:30 a.m. and got up around 7:30 with the kids to get them ready to go to DH’s parents’ for more presents and Christmas dinner.
  • We returned to my parents’ home around 4 p.m. for another Christmas dinner.
  • We were catatonic for the rest of the evening.
Christmas was much saner when we stayed home.
 
No, not dramatic at all. I think your mom’s controlling behavior is due to her ‘losing’ her marriage, losing your dad to another woman. Look at it from that vantage point, and it will help you to view the situation a bit differently.

But, I agree with others here…start your own traditions. Have a merry Christmas, and congrats on your pregnancy!🙂
 
Greatmom, I like your attitude. No games, no pretensions, no whining- Just this is the way things are for our family. 👍 Enjoy a blessed, and hopefully quiet, Christmas.
 
This note is to no one in particular and I realize that everyone has their own particular situations, especially, the OP. It seems that since you see your family on Christmas eve, then twice might be overboard. Anywho:

I am 34, and the youngest by 10 years. I have 4 older siblings who are all married with kids, and I am single. Traditional Christmas mornings stopped when I was 8 years old. Everyone kind of “moved on” with their own families.

We still get together during holidays, well, most of us, most of the time. My brother misses the most, I don’t know why. There have been 2 thanksgivings where the whole family decided that they would all go to in-laws and not have our immediate family get together. I went to Denny’s by myself. By the way, they all live in the same town, and I do not see them very often in the meantime. They have their own “family” time all the time.

My bro missed thanksgiving dinner this year, he is missing Christmas, and in Easter, my sister and her family are missing. There is a huge gap in my heart every time one of them/families are not there. I can’t explain it.

This is MY ONLY family I have. I can’t explain how painful it is to wake up to an empty house on Christmas morning. (Now that I am a music director at church, I exhaust myself by playing 4 masses over Christmas, and then I go to the family gathering…tired). I am so tired of hearing people complain about 3 families to go to when I’m lucky to even have one…and its not even complete.

My parents are in their later 70’s and won’t be around forever. Yes, it might be exhausting being around family and traveling to the different locations, but maybe its not about you. Maybe be grateful that your family wants to see you and that you are loved. It’s only a few days a year, and you can spend your own “family” time before and after. The security of having family in the house and revisiting just “being” with each other can be very healing and theraputic.

This to me is one of the saddest parts of modernized holidays. Where spending time with extended family becomes a chore. Perhaps if we had quiet and peaceful normal days in our home, that it was more of a regular practice (void of tv, constant activities, noise, video games, etc) that a rambunctious, loud, and large family gathering would be more of a treat than a chore.

Again, this is to no one in particular, but maybe somebody can take away a little more appreciation for their families.
 
agapewolf said:
This note is to no one in particular and I realize that everyone has their own particular situations, especially, the OP. It seems that since you see your family on Christmas eve, then twice might be overboard. Anywho:

I am 34, and the youngest by 10 years. I have 4 older siblings who are all married with kids, and I am single. Traditional Christmas mornings stopped when I was 8 years old. Everyone kind of “moved on” with their own families.

We still get together during holidays, well, most of us, most of the time. My brother misses the most, I don’t know why. There have been 2 thanksgivings where the whole family decided that they would all go to in-laws and not have our immediate family get together. I went to Denny’s by myself. By the way, they all live in the same town, and I do not see them very often in the meantime. They have their own “family” time all the time.

My bro missed thanksgiving dinner this year, he is missing Christmas, and in Easter, my sister and her family are missing. There is a huge gap in my heart every time one of them/families are not there. I can’t explain it.

This is MY ONLY family I have. I can’t explain how painful it is to wake up to an empty house on Christmas morning. (Now that I am a music director at church, I exhaust myself by playing 4 masses over Christmas, and then I go to the family gathering…tired). I am so tired of hearing people complain about 3 families to go to when I’m lucky to even have one…and its not even complete.

My parents are in their later 70’s and won’t be around forever. Yes, it might be exhausting being around family and traveling to the different locations, but maybe its not about you. Maybe be grateful that your family wants to see you and that you are loved. It’s only a few days a year, and you can spend your own “family” time before and after. The security of having family in the house and revisiting just “being” with each other can be very healing and theraputic.

This to me is one of the saddest parts of modernized holidays. Where spending time with extended family becomes a chore. Perhaps if we had quiet and peaceful normal days in our home, that it was more of a regular practice (void of tv, constant activities, noise, video games, etc) that a rambunctious, loud, and large family gathering would be more of a treat than a chore.

Again, this is to no one in particular, but maybe somebody can take away a little more appreciation for their families.
Click to expand...
I don’t disagree. I think that every case is individual. I know that someday, when my kids are grown, if we all live in the same town, I’m hopeful they will choose to see their mom and dad for the holidays. But, I think it’s in the expectations that extended family can have on their kids, without a care to what the kids have planned. I haven’t had a mom and dad in my life for nearly 3 decades. I would love to see them for Christmas, and so your post hit me stronger than maybe someone else, who sees their parents daily, weekly, or yearly, even. I agree that our culture has gotten away from spending time with extended family…it is sad.

I think that the OP’s case seems a bit different in that, her mom seems to be demanding, and making her feel guilty for her choice. I don’t get the sense that the OP chooses to not see her mom or anything–she has done so for years. I don’t see why her mom couldn’t so see her for the holidays. She does make the offer to her mom.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top