Am I overreacting and worrying too much

[duskyjewel]

Okay, rick, you might have a point. I would wait until after I had discussed with him what I suggested earlier about how inappropriate this all is, how I feel threatened and uncomfortable. Then, if he still insisted on having her over, alone, inside my house, to sit on my couch and “watch movies” with her while both their spouses are not around, THEN I would tell him that if she comes over to my house, I will not return to it.

 

[rick43235]

Okay, rick, you might have a point. I would wait until after I had discussed with him what I suggested earlier about how inappropriate this all is, how I feel threatened and uncomfortable. Then, if he still insisted on having her over, alone, inside my house, to sit on my couch and “watch movies” with her while both their spouses are not around, THEN I would tell him that if she comes over to my house, I will not return to it.

If he decided to ignore a discussion such as that, then you would probably be justified in taking extreme action.

 

[rayne89]

I am furious. My husband told me that her husband isn’t coming and that she is going to be watching movies at my house w/ my husband while I am at work and I am supposed to meet her afterward. I told him that I want to meet her as I feel threatened. He said that if I meet her and don’t like her, that I could tell him and he will drop her like a hot potato. My mother, twin sisters, and my best friends are stopping by Saturday. The more, the merrier

No way Jose would this go on in my house. Are you kidding me? A female co-worker watching movies in my house with my husband when I wasn’t there? When hell freezes over. Either your husband is ridiculously naive or being a complete jerk. (Sorry but I don’t know how else to put it. ) Drop her like a hot potatoe? There should be nothing to drop, none of this should be happening in the first place. Please make an appointment for the both of you to meet with your priest, this needs to be nipped in the bud NOW.

 

[Katie1723]

You have a point. I need to find out what I am not supplying on an emotional level and then address it. Thank You for pointing that out.

What makes you think it’s YOU with the problem? He should address his issues.
Kathy

 

[whatevergirl]

Carjack–in all seriousness, there is something not right about this. I usually give people the benefit of the doubt, but the fact that she doesn’t want to meet you, or has an excuse as to why, just seems a little odd.

When you marry, you do what’s in the best interest of the marriage. The marriage becomes the focal point. Not that you can’t have social lives of your own–my dh and I do. We don’t always hang out with one another’s friends, but my dh is not hanging out with female coworkers–let alone at our home. It would show no respect for me, and my kids would probably laugh and wonder if dad’s having a mid life crisis or something. It just wouldn’t happen!

Now, my dh and I were separated at one point, as I used to be the selfish one of the marriage. I had a lot of growing up to do, some of it came from the residual effects of my childhood, some of it was just …well, I wanted my own way. What I learned through prayer, and from past and recent confessions, is that when we marry–we become one. When one is happy, the other rejoices! When one is sad (or threatened) the other wants to do everything in his/her power to make the other feel better.

Your husband might not be completely cognizant of how crucial his role as your husband is in his relationship with God, and to you. Sometimes, we still feel that we can lead this independent life, but once we marry, we must always place the other’s needs before our own.

It was very hard for me to learn this. I was a spoiled kid growing up, and I thought a husband should just pretty much do the same for me–spoil me. I had to learn how to be a good wife. Being a good wife, means following God…and putting aside our childish ways (as St Paul once said albeit differently) A couple of things to ask one’s self when married before doing anything that might seem…‘iffy:’

1) Does what I’m about to do, edify God?
2) Does what I’m about to do, edify my wife/husband/marriage?
3) Will this cause me to betray God?
4) Am I seeking God and my spouse first?

Talk to your husband and tell him that you are NOT jealous. You are NOT insecure. But, that it is inappropriate to have others of the opposite sex over when the other isn’t home–and if their spouses are not present. It’s time to put childish things away once we’re married.

Hugs to you–feel free to pm me anytime. :console:

 

[maria29]

**I do hang out with a male friend from work without my husband sometimes and my dh has no issues with it. In fact because this friend and I do stuff that my dh hates he’s actually thrilled because he doesn’t have to do it.

HOWEVER I can’t imagine saying that my dh wouldn’t be allowed to meet him or that my friend wouldn’t want to meet my dh. That would be a huge red flag for me too. Also its wierd that they’re waiting for you not to be home. I also make it a point never to hang out with friends on nites that I am scheduled off so I can spend time with dh and ds.

I think that every couple is different as far as what types of friendships are comfortable for their spouse to have. My DH knew going into our relationship and marriage that I’ll always have male friends because for some reason I seem to be able to make better friends with them. Since he knew that and knew that my friendships with men wasn’t about forming an affair and that they were JUST friendships we’ve never had a problem. **

 

[monicatholic]

it took me a while to type in, carjack, as i was having trouble scraping my jaw off the ground.

how is it that you don’t already KNOW-- that’s in ***KNOW from the marrow of your bones to the tips of your eyelashes ***that your husband is wrong?

how is it that you need permission to make this STOP, or darn near die trying?

what part ***really ***seems to you that you’re overreacting or worrying too much?? all that self doubt is paralyzing you. do you mean for that to happen? is that the default position for you?

if not, do something now.

this may sound harsh, but carjack, honey, it’s not half as harsh as husband-in-love when the object of his affections is Mrs.Cute And Slender.

others have suggested reading the affair threads. please do. then multiply the nausea and humiliation and rejection you feel by a hundred because that’s what it’s gonna feel like if the author of the affair thread is you. multiply it by a thousand if you let these happy saturday afternoons boy-girl movie fests continue in your house.

“you’re lucky to have her, buddy.” them are fightin’ words, carjack. this*** is ***a hill you want to die on.

 

[Cari]

Does your husband have other female friends?

I ask, because some people are just more comfortable around members of the opposite sex, and not for sexual reasons.

Also, if this is a pattern- having female friends- that was established before you dated, got engaged, and married, then there are no surprises- you knew who you were marrying. If it was an issue for you, then it should have been covered before the vows were taken.

ALL THAT SAID-
if your DH didn’t have female friends over for movies while you were gone before you were married, why on earth would he start now? Why on earth would he think that establishing such a time intensive relationship with another woman would be ok?

I can’t help but put myself in your place. And I would be very, very angry, hurt, suspicious, and threatened.

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

Ok,

Why does this woman even have his cell number for any reason?

If he thinks you and she will be such great friends why doesn’t she seem to think so (avoiding you)?

Why is her husband ok with this…or does he really know that you won’t be there?

If he won’t cancel the movie day, I’d cancel work and be sitting pretty when she knocks at the door. Seriously.

I think it might be a good idea to see if you can change your work schedule to be home when he is…he seems to need the company…

 

[nfpworks]

Whoa!!! This is not good for marriage!

I remember hearing once - something about Billy Graham. It was said that there would never be a scandal with him and a woman other than his wife. This would never happen because throughout his marriage and his career, he has never been in a room ALONE with a woman other than his wife.

I have told this story to my husband more than once. . . not that he has done something to violate it… . but it’s a good thing to talk about.

 

[thomfra]

I think you should tell him you are not comfortable with this.

I certainly wouldn’t be. You are not overreacting. Wife comes first, friends later.

 

[Carjack1]

I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said that she will not come over on Saturday because I b**ch so much. He also said that since he can’t have friends that he will drop her and he thought that I was better than that. Then she sent a text saying “sorry, I thought you were my husband when I sent love ya. so sorry.” I was furious because my husband should of told me that she sent love ya. He said “are you kidding? you would fly off the handle.” I said that I want to meet her. what is the problem with that. He then “punished” me by not cooking dinner because he said he diidn’t want to talk about her. I am sorry but I am not happy with “yes” “no” answers when I am trying to have a conversation. His yes/no responses were telling me that he just wanted me to shut up. He also want to tell her in person about cancelling for saturday when I insisted he text her. I think his attitude shows he doesn’t give a hoot about me or maybe I am overanalyzing everything. I don’t want to push him away

 

[thomfra]

I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said that she will not come over on Saturday because I b**ch so much. He also said that since he can’t have friends that he will drop her and he thought that I was better than that. Then she sent a text saying “sorry, I thought you were my husband when I sent love ya. so sorry.” I was furious because my husband should of told me that she sent love ya. He said “are you kidding? you would fly off the handle.” I said that I want to meet her. what is the problem with that. He then “punished” me by not cooking dinner because he said he diidn’t want to talk about her. I am sorry but I am not happy with “yes” “no” answers when I am trying to have a conversation. His yes/no responses were telling me that he just wanted me to shut up. He also want to tell her in person about cancelling for saturday when I insisted he text her. I think his attitude shows he doesn’t give a hoot about me or maybe I am overanalyzing everything. I don’t want to push him away

Just tell him to grow up and be a man. And don’t accept that he has a right to be angry just because you don’t want him hanging around other women. This is just the way it is in married life.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I spoke with my husband yesterday and he said that she will not come over on Saturday because I b**ch so much. He also said that since he can’t have friends that he will drop her and he thought that I was better than that. Then she sent a text saying “sorry, I thought you were my husband when I sent love ya. so sorry.” I was furious because my husband should of told me that she sent love ya. He said “are you kidding? you would fly off the handle.” I said that I want to meet her. what is the problem with that. He then “punished” me by not cooking dinner because he said he diidn’t want to talk about her. I am sorry but I am not happy with “yes” “no” answers when I am trying to have a conversation. His yes/no responses were telling me that he just wanted me to shut up. He also want to tell her in person about cancelling for saturday when I insisted he text her. I think his attitude shows he doesn’t give a hoot about me or maybe I am overanalyzing everything. I don’t want to push him away

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, Carjack. :hug1:

Ok, first off that woman sent that message to your husband…not to her husband intentionally. Come on, give me a break. I don’t believe that she sent it to him on accident for one second.

Second, your husband is trying to blame his behavior on your insecurities and he’s treating you like garbage right now. You’re his wife and your needs and desires come over any other woman’s. You have no problem with him having friends. You have a problem with him having an affair…which is what this is looking like. I don’t care how innocent a friendship starts off, if your spouse has reasonable problems with any friendship, you should break it off for them.

And, honey, I know you’re afraid to drive your husband away, but you want him to stay because he loves and respects you. You don’t want to avoid the issue and have it become the elephant in the room.

I’d suggest you two get marriage counseling…the sooner the better. I think your marriage may be in more trouble than you think. This is about way more than watching a movie.

 

[whatevergirl]

I agree with kevinsgirl.

I think you should try to seek counseling. I don’t know why your husband is doing this, really. It’s a head scratcher. You are both newly weds I know you have mentioned, so one would think he would be so focused more than ever on his marriage, and pleasing you.

I wonder how his dad treated his mom…do you know any of that background? If his dad didn’t care much for his mom’s opinion, and she went along with things she didn’t like to keep peace–then he might have grown up learning this behavior. I also marvel at this woman. She is obviously not altogether happy at home, but really, it’s not your problem or your husband’s. It’s slowly becoming your husband’s business.

I would sincerely tell your husband that you are not insecure, but that this is not what YOU envisioned your marriage to be. Tell him your dreams of the marriage, and how you want the marriage to be the best it can be. Then, please seek counseling.

I am so sorry this is happening. May God heal things between you two.

 

[Carjack1]

I agree with kevinsgirl.

I think you should try to seek counseling. I don’t know why your husband is doing this, really. It’s a head scratcher. You are both newly weds I know you have mentioned, so one would think he would be so focused more than ever on his marriage, and pleasing you.

I wonder how his dad treated his mom…do you know any of that background?You can tell that his dad is the dominant one(Which is the opposite of my household, my mother was a dominant feminist) However his dad would NEVER be this (for a lack of a better word) ignorant about that. His father is a guy’s guy. A mechanic who drags race is with the guys more than his wife. His mom likes the space because her husband is overbearing. I know of one incident that at a christmas party some lady sat on his father’s lap and my MIL went nuts(in a good way) I don’t think my FIL pulled any of that stuff again. If his dad didn’t care much for his mom’s opinion, and she went along with things she didn’t like to keep peace–then he might have grown up learning this behavior. I also marvel at this woman. She is obviously not altogether happy at home, but really, it’s not your problem or your husband’s. It’s slowly becoming your husband’s business.

I would sincerely tell your husband that you are not insecure, but that this is not what YOU envisioned your marriage to be. I bascially said that I love him and I want to remove any possibly dangerous situations. Tell him your dreams of the marriage, and how you want the marriage to be the best it can be. Then, please seek counseling.

I am so sorry this is happening. May God heal things between you two.

 

[Carjack1]

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, Carjack. :hug1:

Ok, first off that woman sent that message to your husband…not to her husband intentionally. Come on, give me a break.I am not buying it either I don’t believe that she sent it to him on accident for one second.

Second, your husband is trying to blame his behavior on your insecurities and he’s treating you like garbage right now. You’re his wife and your needs and desires come over any other woman’s. You have no problem with him having friends. You have a problem with him having an affair…which is what this is looking like. I don’t care how innocent a friendship starts off, if your spouse has reasonable problems with any friendship, you should break it off for them.

And, honey, I know you’re afraid to drive your husband away, but you want him to stay because he loves and respects you. You don’t want to avoid the issue and have it become the elephant in the room.

I’d suggest you two get marriage counseling…the sooner the better. I think your marriage may be in more trouble than you think. This is about way more than watching a movie.

 

[whatevergirl]

Pray the rosary when you can every day for your marriage to remain holy and sacred…and for God to place a veil of protection over you and your husband…to guard you from temptation of flesh, mind and soul. I pray this daily.

My husband has had female friends…I never thought much of it. Why? They weren’t text messaging him, and stopping over to just hang out with him. These were friends from high school days…after a few years of marriage, they drifted apart…largely, because my husband wasn’t interested in hanging out with old female friends from high school. It wasn’t anything I said or asked him to do to stop the relationships–his married life just came first.

Your husband is having perhaps a hazy time in adjusting what was once his independent life, to married life. Doesn’t mean that friendships stop. This woman doesn’t want to be his friend, though. I can say that objectively. If she wanted to be friends, she would want to be friends with you both. There are many MANY married women and men who will flirt with temptation in their marriages. It’s important to know that, for both of you. I have been married for 17 years…and there have been a few occasions where coworkers of mine have flirted with me (not where I am but in a prior job) and also clients. Knowing I was married. I was very naive…thinking that married people would never cross that line, but they do–every single day.

It’s important for your husband to not be naive about that, too. He might tell himself…‘she is married…I’m married…what’s the big deal?’ The big deal is that she is showing signs of wanting to be more than a friend. I think that what concerns me more than this woman flirting with your husband, is your husband’s insistence on having her over…the MINUTE you said this whole thing made you feel badly…he should have ended it and shouldn’t have pressed it. Should never have mentioned it again. That is why I think he and you could use some counseling…because it could be as simple as hearing from another man or couple, that this situation has danger written all over it.

My only other concern, is that he will continue this, and you won’t know about it. I don’t want to alarm you, but the sooner you can get into counseling, the better. Please don’t push this under the rug…and neither should he. He has a wonderful wife…he married you…and he needs to show you the love and respect you deserve. Christ loved the Church …and put Her first. As spouses, we are to love one another the way Christ loved the Church. Christ focused on his love for the Church–this is what we are called to do as spouses.

Praying for you–keep the faith!

 

[iamrefreshed]

Get you and your husband in front of your priest ASAP!!

 

[monicatholic]

if your husband is quitting his saturday boy-girl movie fest because you’re a b***h, then he’s very disordered. he oughta not have made these plans in the first place.

I think his attitude shows he doesn’t give a hoot about me or maybe I am overanalyzing everything. I don’t want to push him away

carjack, you married a jerk. how is it that you don’t already **KNOW **this?

please seek personal counseling. this is much bigger than a dangerous flirtation. this is bigger, even, than a crooked marriage. this is about a woman whos’ willing to ignore every smart/ true thing she’s telling herself.