Am I overreacting? Husband and female coworker

[catrina2223]

Hi all,
Please help me shine some light on this situation! My husband is a kind guy who will sometimes go out of his way to help others. He is always giving a ride to friends when they need a ride to work as well. However, there is a female coworker who calls everyday for a ride. I, for some reason, am uncomfortable with this. I do not like the thought of her riding to work, alone sometimes, with my husband. I do trust him…but I don’t know this lady and her intentions. I asked him to please not pick her up anymore. He said he doesn’t want to be mean, and I understand that. I don’t want him to not help someone who needs a ride to work.

Am I over reacting and being mean? Should I insist this driving arrangement come to an end, and he just tell her i’m not comfortable with it. Or, should I just relax and dont worry about it? What would you say?

I asked him to switch the roles, and what he would say if it was mean and a man…of course, he said he wouldn’t want it…“bit it’s different!”.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Hi all,
Please help me shine some light on this situation! My husband is a kind guy who will sometimes go out of his way to help others. He is always giving a ride to friends when they need a ride to work as well. However, there is a female coworker who calls everyday for a ride. I, for some reason, am uncomfortable with this. I do not like the thought of her riding to work, alone sometimes, with my husband. I do trust him…but I don’t know this lady and her intentions. I asked him to please not pick her up anymore. He said he doesn’t want to be mean, and I understand that. I don’t want him to not help someone who needs a ride to work.

Am I over reacting and being mean? Should I insist this driving arrangement come to an end, and he just tell her i’m not comfortable with it. Or, should I just relax and dont worry about it? What would you say?

I asked him to switch the roles, and what he would say if it was mean and a man…of course, he said he wouldn’t want it…“bit it’s different!”.

Your husband answered your question for you. HE would be uncomfortable in the reverse situation, he shouldn’t expect less of a reaction from you. He needs to politely tell the other woman that she needs to find a ride with someone else.

It’s one thing for a spouse to give a ride to a coworker of the opposite sex ocassionally, but not a daily regular basis.

You have a right to be uncomfortable here. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Your husband answered your question for you. HE would be uncomfortable in the reverse situation, he shouldn’t expect less of a reaction from you. He needs to politely tell the other woman that she needs to find a ride with someone else.

It’s one thing for a spouse to give a ride to a coworker of the opposite sex ocassionally, but not a daily regular basis.

You have a right to be uncomfortable here. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Right. DH is friends with several female coworkers. From time to time, they’ve given rides to each other if a group is going to lunch, or to a worksite where parking is limited, or the occasional flat tire/car won’t start emergency. That’s it, and I’m okay with it. If one of them started requesting or expecting daily rides, especially alone with him? Major boundary violation, and definitely not okay.

 

[CopyKat]

I agree that this is a boundary violation. More importantly the fact that you are uncomfortable with it makes it appropriate that he stop. He shouldn’t be concerned about being mean. Any mature decent woman would certainly not want to make a wife feel uncomfortable!

 

[Xantippe]

Your husband answered your question for you. HE would be uncomfortable in the reverse situation, he shouldn’t expect less of a reaction from you. He needs to politely tell the other woman that she needs to find a ride with someone else.

It’s one thing for a spouse to give a ride to a coworker of the opposite sex ocassionally, but not a daily regular basis.

You have a right to be uncomfortable here. Stand up for yourself and your marriage.

Right.

One of the many problems with this is that it sets up a situation where the female coworker gets to spend more time alone talking with your husband than you do (if you have kids).

If she needs a ride everyday, she needs to make arrangements to take care of that don’t involving asking the same person for a favor every single day.

Alternately, add another member to the carpool and have your husband start collecting gas money in a businesslike manner. Whatever your local bus fare is would be about right.

 

[MJJean]

You aren’t comfortable with them riding alone. He doesn’t want to leave a coworker stranded. Could you perhaps compromise with a carpool situation where they share the drive with other people?

 

[TK421]

Normally I would say you’re overreacting, but I am put off by the fact that he admitted he would feel the same way. Really? So I suppose my view is that you’re both more insecure than what you ought to be.

The average person in any work environment is going to have a lot of exposure to the opposite sex. I guess my logic is: if your husband is going to cheat on you, he is either going to do it or he won’t. If being alone with another woman for 15 minutes is a near occasion for sin, the human family was doomed from the beginning. If he does cheat on you, he certainly isn’t going to be up front about it. He’ll be secretive, and nothing about your story indicates that he is being secretive.

Then again, I suppose I am in the minority here: there’s 2000+ years of rules of conduct which I am going against here, along with the opinions of many, many saints throughout the earlier centuries. Once upon a time, in the good old days of light and virtue and goodness, when the lands were ruled by kings that cut off tongues and bishops were in bed with concubines, it wasn’t even acceptable to speak to an unmarried woman in private, let alone commute in a car with her. Or likewise, if an unmarried woman spoke to a man in private, she was judged to be a rebellious daughter or a licentious harlot. She could be lashed for it. The fact, for example, that Jesus willingly spoke to a divorced woman in private in the Gospels would have been alarming to his 1st century readers, and to many readers for centuries to come.

This is a prudential matter. Since your husband went ahead and admitted he wouldn’t like it either, he ought to put his money where his mouth is and follow the golden rule. I think his hypocrisy is more concerning than the rest of the situation.

 

[TriciaF]

I think I’d be upset too.
He doesn’t want to be mean to her, but it’s okay to be mean to you.
He knows you feel unhappy and uncomfortable, and he should choose his wife’s feelings, not a woman who takes advantage of his good nature.

It would be uncomfortable for him to challenge her to find own her way in…what are her options?
However I’d feel insecure also. You might trust him but one doesn’t necessarily trust the other person.

I used to accept a ride to Mass whenever a fellow daily Mass driver stopped to pick me up. That seemed especially innocent.
Then one day he mentioned vulnerability of feeling towards me. He was married, so am I.
That was that. I never accepted a ride again.

God grant your husband has the courage and ingenuity to change the arrangement. Marriage isn’t easy, and there’s no need to make things harder.

 

[GreyWings]

I agree with some of the other posts. Asking your husband for a ride once in a blue moon in one thing - everyday, though? NO.

Boundaries need to be set. Your husband is not her chauffeur.

So, yes, your feelings are valid. Don’t make it about jealousy - make it about boundaries. He needs to set them. If she needs help that bad, you and your husband can buy her a public transportation bus pass and the both of you sign it in a card as a charitable act. Kindness can be expressed though a charitable bus pass or, at the very least, helping her find bus lines, and then cutting it off.

 

[catrina2223]

Right.

One of the many problems with this is that it sets up a situation where the female coworker gets to spend more time alone talking with your husband than you do (if you have kids).

If she needs a ride everyday, she needs to make arrangements to take care of that don’t involving asking the same person for a favor every single day.

Alternately, add another member to the carpool and have your husband start collecting gas money in a businesslike manner. Whatever your local bus fare is would be about right.

Yes! That is one of the things that got to me as well. We have 4 kids right now, 8yo and under, and we pretty much never have time alone…or until late at night. Going to the workplace takes about 30mins one way. So that’s 30mins of quiet talking time!
Thank you for the other idea as well!

 

[kptrs]

Yes! That is one of the things that got to me as well. We have 4 kids right now, 8yo and under, and we pretty much never have time alone…or until late at night. Going to the workplace takes about 30mins one way. So that’s 30mins of quiet talking time!
Thank you for the other idea as well!

Yikes, that’s not good.

What bothers me the most, though, is that he is more concerned with not “being mean” to her than he is with his wife’s feelings. If someone has to be offended (and yes, even if he declines her requests politely and offers an alternative, she may still be offended), it should be the other woman, not his wife.

 

[Crusaderbear]

Hubs should ask for gas money…sounds more like freeloading than flirting…

 

[Sunbreak]

I would feel uncomfortable too unless the woman was disabled or close to retirement. I would wonder why she needs a ride every day. Certainly she took the job with some sort of idea on how she would get to work on her own.

 

[catrina2223]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and the ideas as well!

I would love to reply to each comment, but my phone is small and lots of typos make it take to long to write!!

We have agreed that this will have to stop or not be an everyday thing. There are hundreds of people who work this shift at the company, and she can spread out her options enough that she wouldn’t need a lift everyday.

I told him if he doesnt want to be the bad guy, he can tell her that i’m not comfortable with it, politely. He is a good guy, and I know he likes to help…but I don’t know her and her motives may not be pure, and Satan can do anything in a moment of weakness.

Thanks for all the insights. It’s nice hearing what others would say, and knowing it’s not just me!

 

[mommy_k]

I had a similar problem but different…when I was a sahm, some mom’s took advantage and consistantly asked for rides for their kids to sports and home.

Every day-45 minutes driving kids around – and no matter what I said-it was just one more time-- and times I had to remove gear to fit them. Then I stopped removing the gear–(once I had a bag of mulch in the back for a month.)

Problem solved-no room-no hurt feelings- and they found another way.

Seriously. No debates. She is taking advantage of hubby’s kindness-so help him out.

His problem may be he does not know how to say no and is afraid to offend.

 

[catrina2223]

Hubs should ask for gas money…sounds more like freeloading than flirting…

Lol

He should…but he doesn’t…from anyone. He goes to the gas station with them in the car and asks for 3$ gas, so they get the hint!

 

[catrina2223]

I had a similar problem but different…when I was a sahm, some mom’s took advantage and consistantly asked for rides for their kids to sports and home.

Every day-45 minutes driving kids around – and no matter what I said-it was just one more time-- and times I had to remove gear to fit them. Then I stopped removing the gear–(once I had a bag of mulch in the back for a month.)

Problem solved-no room-no hurt feelings- and they found another way.

Seriously. No debates. She is taking advantage of hubby’s kindness-so help him out.

His problem may be he does not know how to say no and is afraid to offend.

He doesn’t know how to say no is right. He doesn’t even know how to cut conversations short if he has to!
And about the gear…we are jammed pack with car seats and they are always shifted around when he gets home! Then I have to rebuckle them all in! Just for it to happen again the next day!

 

[z_0101]

Has your husband considered that there can be allegations of hostile workplace or sexual harassment raised by this woman or someone that has an “ax to grind” with him at work. This is especially true if there is a promotional position available or if your husband has any (and I do mean any) potential supervisory role in relation to this woman.

In the USA she doesn’t have to file the suit/complaint. A third party can file the complaint - even if the quote- “injured” party doesn’t feel that there is anything happening. He will most likely lose his job in such a case and the very lest his career at that company will be over. There are all sorts of case-law that you can search for on the internet that will show this happens frequently.

IMHO: Either he stops, or there is a third person in the carpool at all times with her. For his protection as well as her’s and yours!

 

[Xantippe]

He doesn’t know how to say no is right. He doesn’t even know how to cut conversations short if he has to!
And about the gear…we are jammed pack with car seats and they are always shifted around when he gets home! Then I have to rebuckle them all in! Just for it to happen again the next day!

That alone would drive me nuts.

 

[on_the_hill]

Well.

I almost fall into this situation myself. The person with whom I work most closely is a woman. She’s married. We both have three children that are the same ages. We’re the same age. Our kids participate in similar sports. We have similar backgrounds. In other words, we have a lot in common. It’s not an exaggeration to say that there are many days when I spend more time with her than I do my wife.

Generally, I tell my wife pretty much everything interesting that happens at work, and generally this includes conversation about “E” and her family. There are lots of times that I feel uncomfortable talking about work with my wife because I don’t have much to say that doesn’t involve “E.”

So while I don’t have much to offer other than that I’m almost in the situation your husband is in–I think you ought to trust him but realize that the woman might very well be taking advantage of him for reasons that have nothing to do with romance or attraction.

A neighbor started spending too much time with a young divorcee with two children. She lives next door to him. He wasn’t working at the time, so he was constantly being called over to help her with whatever needed to be done around the house. And eventually, it raised red flags with his wife. Very likely for good reason. She put the brakes on it. I think she simply told him (if not her, too) that it was going to stop. Period.