Am I overreacting? Husband and female coworker

[jaimeleglise]

I believe either the driver or the person asking for the ride could start off with the purest of motives, the best of intentions but down the road, something could go wrong. After spending so much time together one of the two could find a lot in common and maybe develop a crush of romantic feelings towards the other, even though that wasn’t the original intent.
It sounds like she has a lot of transportation options available so she should try that.

 

[Xantippe]

I believe either the driver or the person asking for the ride could start off with the purest of motives, the best of intentions but down the road, something could go wrong. After spending so much time together one of the two could find a lot in common and maybe develop a crush of romantic feelings towards the other, even though that wasn’t the original intent.
It sounds like she has a lot of transportation options available so she should try that.

Yes. How about a coworker that doesn’t have a wife and four little kids?

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Hi all,
Please help me shine some light on this situation! My husband is a kind guy who will sometimes go out of his way to help others. He is always giving a ride to friends when they need a ride to work as well. However, there is a female coworker who calls everyday for a ride. I, for some reason, am uncomfortable with this. I do not like the thought of her riding to work, alone sometimes, with my husband. I do trust him…but I don’t know this lady and her intentions. I asked him to please not pick her up anymore. He said he doesn’t want to be mean, and I understand that. I don’t want him to not help someone who needs a ride to work.

Am I over reacting and being mean? Should I insist this driving arrangement come to an end, and he just tell her i’m not comfortable with it. Or, should I just relax and dont worry about it? What would you say?

I asked him to switch the roles, and what he would say if it was mean and a man…of course, he said he wouldn’t want it…“bit it’s different!”.

I would never ride with a woman alone in my vehicle or hers, as a standard practice. There is literally nothing good that could come of it, even when both paries are well-intended. As a married man, I simply don’t feel it is appropriate for me, and have told my wife as such. When she worked, she had the same policy. Now I wouldn’t frankly have cared had she ridden with a guy to a group luncheon, but that wasn’t the point. I do it more out of respect for her.

So do I think you are overreacting? No. You are simply reacting. I would go to great lengths to ensure my wife’s happiness and holiness, short of something unhealthy or dangerous.

I frankly make it a point to never ride with anyone anywhere, mainly because I don’t like being around others one on one that much. I much prefer listening to sports talk radio by myself, and since they know I park illegally in the Executive parking spots (which they never ticket), they don’t want to take the chance of being caught, so it works out.*

*Is not an endorsement of breaking parking rules…

 

[EasterJoy]

Always being willing to help implies that other people help themselves when they can. Otherwise, what is he going to do when a co-worker with a real unforeseen transportation crisis needs him?

He needs to ask his co-worker when she is going to find a regular ride to work, instead of calling him every day as if she had an emergency. OP, tell him to make you the bad guy, if he must, but it is time to tell her that he is not her personal transit provider. He is married, his wife is not comfortable with the situation, and it is time his co-worker takes care of the transportation problem she ought to taken care of sooner rather than later. If her first line of transport is unreliable, she needs to find a different fall back, because she has overused this one.

Please point out that he is providing his co-worker with a convenient way to treat others in an inappropriate manner. He should not teach her that it is OK to treat people in this way. If he lets her keep this up, she is going to do this to other people, too, not just him, and it will be partly his doing. Don’t let her think that “nice people” are there for her to walk on. That itself isn’t a “nice” thing to do to others.

 

[on_the_hill]

I would never ride with a woman alone in my vehicle or hers, as a standard practice. There is literally nothing good that could come of it, even when both paries are well-intended. As a married man, I simply don’t feel it is appropriate for me, and have told my wife as such.

That’s a bit overly restrictive for me. For example, a few years ago I drove the mother of one of my daughter’s classmates to and from the Parents Night at school. My wife couldn’t attend because she was working. The other woman’s husband was also working, and they have only one car.

So for about 25 minutes that evening the other woman and I were driving alone in a car.

In my life there’s no threat from that.

 

[Vanny]

Always being willing to help implies that other people help themselves when they can. Otherwise, what is he going to do when a co-worker with a real unforeseen transportation crisis needs him?

He needs to ask his co-worker when she is going to find a regular ride to work, instead of calling him every day as if she had an emergency. OP, tell him to make you the bad guy, if he must, but it is time to tell her that he is not her personal transit provider. He is married, his wife is not comfortable with the situation, and it is time his co-worker takes care of the transportation problem she ought to taken care of sooner rather than later. If her first line of transport is unreliable, she needs to find a different fall back, because she has overused this one.

Please point out that he is providing his co-worker with a convenient way to treat others in an inappropriate manner. He should not teach her that it is OK to treat people in this way. If he lets her keep this up, she is going to do this to other people, too, not just him, and it will be partly his doing. Don’t let her think that “nice people” are there for her to walk on. That itself isn’t a “nice” thing to do to others.

I completely agree with this.
And I was going to add: Someone who doesn’t have regular transportation, either via bus or their own driver’s license shouldn’t be working 30 minutes away from a job. Sorry.
I know on job applications I have been asked if I have access to transportation to and from the potential job. It’s a valid question.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

That’s a bit overly restrictive for me. For example, a few years ago I drove the mother of one of my daughter’s classmates to and from the Parents Night at school. My wife couldn’t attend because she was working. The other woman’s husband was also working, and they have only one car.

So for about 25 minutes that evening the other woman and I were driving alone in a car.

In my life there’s no threat from that.

Perhaps, and I was thinking only in a work context, not school, though I haven’t encountered the need to ferry anyone anywhere outside of work. Still, there is less harm in being more restrictive than less, so long as both spouses are on board. It is up to the couple in any case.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Perhaps, and I was thinking only in a work context, not school, though I haven’t encountered the need to ferry anyone anywhere outside of work. Still, there is less harm in being more restrictive than less, so long as both spouses are on board. It is up to the couple in any case.

In a work setting I will not be alone in the same room with a woman. When it comes to sexual harassment all it takes is an accusation and you can have your career ruined and your ability to support your family taken away. As a man you have to remember that if a woman says you’re guilty then you are guilty It isn’t worth the risk, IMHO.

My job does require that I travel overnight with female colleagues so I will have to break that rule from time to time, but I still do everything in my power to minimize the amount of time I spend alone with them. I don’t go out for a drink after work or do the tourist sites like I do with my male colleagues.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s a bit overly restrictive for me. For example, a few years ago I drove the mother of one of my daughter’s classmates to and from the Parents Night at school. My wife couldn’t attend because she was working. The other woman’s husband was also working, and they have only one car.

So for about 25 minutes that evening the other woman and I were driving alone in a car.

In my life there’s no threat from that.

Are you calling her to see if she (alone) needs a ride? Is she regularly calling to see if you, whom she knows will be alone, can transport her?

It isn’t as if men and women cannot ever carpool, but I’d say that if one of them has a spouse who even thinks he or she smells something wrong, it is prudent to honor that. The spouses are sometimes the first to sense something is up, and not the last.

 

[EasterJoy]

In a work setting I will not be alone in the same room with a woman. When it comes to sexual harassment all it takes is an accusation and you can have your career ruined and your ability to support your family taken away. As a man you have to remember that if a woman says you’re guilty then you are guilty It isn’t worth the risk, IMHO.

My job does require that I travel overnight with female colleagues so I will have to break that rule from time to time, but I still do everything in my power to minimize the amount of time I spend alone with them. I don’t go out for a drink after work or do the tourist sites like I do with my male colleagues.

I would particularly warn others to avoid any entanglement with someone who uses others for his or her own convenience. Wow, do a lot of people who are big trouble–I mean, cut off their noses to spite their faces trouble–fit that description! When someone needs a lot of help, enlist a lot of help. Do not be their sole “rescuer.” That is a huge mistake. You will find that if they are worthy of the help, you’ll usually be able to find at least someone willing to pitch in. You will also be inviting the feedback of people who may confirm that this person you are helping does not seem to be exactly what he or she purports to be. You’ll compare notes…for instance, you may find that the person turns down offers of help from others in order to get all his or her help from you. This is how you turn up red flags: that is, by not imagining you ought to be the “nicest” person who does all the helping or rescuing yourself. Our Lord sent his own out two by two for a reason. Charity wants to operate in numbers, not as a solo act.

 

[Durnford]

You are quite within your rights to be upset and put your foot down
My wife would not allow this and neither should you
Nothing abnormal about being a watchful and jealous spouse.

 

[on_the_hill]

Are you calling her to see if she (alone) needs a ride? Is she regularly calling to see if you, .

No way.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

You are quite within your rights to be upset and put your foot down
My wife would not allow this and neither should you
Nothing abnormal about being a watchful and jealous spouse.

Neither my wife and I are jealous, I simply do what I do out of courtesy to her, as she did for me. She never asked me to, nor I her. To each his or her own.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I told him if he doesnt want to be the bad guy, he can tell her that i’m not comfortable with it, politely. He is a good guy, and I know he likes to help…but I don’t know her and her motives may not be pure, and Satan can do anything in a moment of weakness.

Woah! No way! :nope: Your man can learn to stand up for your marriage and feelings without you being the fall guy! And this indeed creates a problem where if he ever gives her a ride again it turns into something she KNOWS his wife would not like. It basically MAKES it an inappropriate interaction! He can simply say, I cannot give you a ride anymore. Anything beyond that is unnecessary for a coworker to know. Not to alarm you any more than you are right now. But there is something that feels very very wrong about this. That he even balks at all at you being uncomfortable is a red flag. “yes honey, you are right and I know it makes you uncomfortable, I would be uncomfortable too. It won’t happen again” Are the only words that should have been spoken at all by him.

 

[PhiloMed]

Woah! No way! :nope: Your man can learn to stand up for your marriage and feelings without you being the fall guy! And this indeed creates a problem where if he ever gives her a ride again it turns into something she KNOWS his wife would not like. It basically MAKES it an inappropriate interaction! He can simply say, I cannot give you a ride anymore. Anything beyond that is unnecessary for a coworker to know. Not to alarm you any more than you are right now. But there is something that feels very very wrong about this. That he even balks at all at you being uncomfortable is a red flag. “yes honey, you are right and I know it makes you uncomfortable, I would be uncomfortable too. It won’t happen again” Are the only words that should have been spoken at all by him.

I agree with HD on this.

Also, you should absolutely not be one he can “blame” in this. That is ridiculous. He is a grown man and can speak for himself. That excuse is perfectly fine when it comes to kids and ways to evade peer pressure “Yeah, sorry I can’t smoke. My lame parents would totally freak out!” For an adult? Not so much.

 

[lax16]

Hi all,
Please help me shine some light on this situation! My husband is a kind guy who will sometimes go out of his way to help others. He is always giving a ride to friends when they need a ride to work as well. However, there is a female coworker who calls everyday for a ride. I, for some reason, am uncomfortable with this. I do not like the thought of her riding to work, alone sometimes, with my husband. I do trust him…but I don’t know this lady and her intentions. I asked him to please not pick her up anymore. He said he doesn’t want to be mean, and I understand that. I don’t want him to not help someone who needs a ride to work.

Am I over reacting and being mean? Should I insist this driving arrangement come to an end, and he just tell her i’m not comfortable with it. Or, should I just relax and dont worry about it? What would you say?

I asked him to switch the roles, and what he would say if it was mean and a man…of course, he said he wouldn’t want it…“bit it’s different!”.

I would agree that this situation needs to stop. Your husband probably would object to a male coworker calling you everyday for a ride.

We bought our home in California from a couple that was going through a bitter divorce. He started carpooling with a woman that lived a few streets up and they ended up having an affair and ultimately getting married to her.

I was told the wife was blindsided. They had a young daughter and they were devastated. The neighbors were shocked. They were a nice family that used to garden together.

Obviously the other woman didn’t care about any of that. No need to be that nice.

 

[dedo]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and the ideas as well!

I would love to reply to each comment, but my phone is small and lots of typos make it take to long to write!!

We have agreed that this will have to stop or not be an everyday thing. There are hundreds of people who work this shift at the company, and she can spread out her options enough that she wouldn’t need a lift everyday.

I told him if he doesnt want to be the bad guy, he can tell her that i’m not comfortable with it, politely. He is a good guy, and I know he likes to help…but I don’t know her and her motives may not be pure, and Satan can do anything in a moment of weakness.

Thanks for all the insights. It’s nice hearing what others would say, and knowing it’s not just me!

I am glad you are working it out. It is prudent to be careful what kind of situations you put yourself into. What starts as something completely innocent, does not always end that way.

Unfortunately, different sexes work best in groups, where other people are around.

 

[dedo]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and the ideas as well!

I would love to reply to each comment, but my phone is small and lots of typos make it take to long to write!!

We have agreed that this will have to stop or not be an everyday thing. There are hundreds of people who work this shift at the company, and she can spread out her options enough that she wouldn’t need a lift everyday.

I told him if he doesnt want to be the bad guy, he can tell her that i’m not comfortable with it, politely. He is a good guy, and I know he likes to help…but I don’t know her and her motives may not be pure, and Satan can do anything in a moment of weakness.

Thanks for all the insights. It’s nice hearing what others would say, and knowing it’s not just me!

I am glad you are working it out. If they were a part of a car pool where other people were always around, that would be different. Unfortunately, even if something begins as something completely innocent, it does not always end that way. And even if it stays innocent, that may not be the perception among other people, especially significant others. So the effect can be almost as bad – even if nothing was ever going on.

Unfortunately, opposite sexes almost always are better off working together in groups. When two individuals collaborate on something, they should be of the same sex in the world we live in, or else they are going to have a rough time of it, one way or another.

In a group, opposite sexes can even do contact sports, and no one seems to care. Apart from a group, a cup of coffee can draw fire. That is just the way it is. Learning to carefully consider a situation before putting yourself into it, is a sign of wisdom, and it is something I admire. Many people don’t do this, and they pay a high price for it.

You are right to be concerned.

Good luck.