Am I, really, being unreasonable?

[dulcissima]

Lexee, the first time I read your post I couldn’t understand why you would feel this way and did think maybe it was a little bit hypocritical. I was just thinking though about how your situation is different than mine even though we are both single moms. How long has it been that you’ve been on your own with your son? I am trying to remember, but I think it is a couple of years. I have 4 kids and am trying to imagine what it might be like if I had just one and had all of this one on one time with him. You probably have developed an unusually close bond with him, and I guess it is possible that you might view someone else’s children as outsiders, even if that wasn’t your intention. In my situation with 4, I’m just used to having lots of kids around and a couple of more would totally fit in. I remember the huge adjustment of going from being the mom of 1 to the mom of 2. It was a lot more than twice the work, but oddly having #3 and #4 didn’t seem to increase the workload all that much in comparison to how noticeable the difference was after the 1st. I’m guessing going from 1 to 3 or 4 all at once would be a huge, huge adjustment.

When you add to that that you are in your early 30’s and still want to have at least one more baby, well having another baby (or the 3 or so more babies that you could conceivably have with the number of fertile years that you have left) might seem way too overwhelming. So, those existing kids would maybe also be competing with your desire to have more children in a way.

So, just saying, I think I understand now, and it really is a lot deeper than those are your “rules”. I don’t think you are being selfish or hypocritical. I think you are listening to the Holy Spirit on this one, maybe…

 

[FanChan]

While my situation’s a bit different (I’m only 20 ), I set that same standard for myself, that I’d steer clear of any guys with kids. That was mostly because I was having trouble finding Catholic guys, and to find a non-Catholic with kids usually meant divorce or a lack of moral judgement…

However, I stumbled upon a wonderful young Catholic man with a daughter from a failed engagement. Not only is this man probably the most conservative man I’ve ever met who wasn’t already spoken for but he’s a wonderful and compassionate father. Since he already has a daughter, he’s more than eager to get right into parenting after marriage, which is something I’d been striking out on in the past (most guys my age want to wait an indetermined amount of time before starting a family, and I don’t )

All I can say is that while it’s good to set standards for yourself to protect your own feelings and the well-being of your children, don’t rule them out without first getting to know them. If a guy with kids happens to be just what you were expecting him to be, let him go and move on. Just don’t be too quick to cut and run.

 

[Lexee15]

Lexee, the first time I read your post I couldn’t understand why you would feel this way and did think maybe it was a little bit hypocritical. I was just thinking though about how your situation is different than mine even though we are both single moms. How long has it been that you’ve been on your own with your son? I am trying to remember, but I think it is a couple of years. I have 4 kids and am trying to imagine what it might be like if I had just one and had all of this one on one time with him. You probably have developed an unusually close bond with him, and I guess it is possible that you might view someone else’s children as outsiders, even if that wasn’t your intention. In my situation with 4, I’m just used to having lots of kids around and a couple of more would totally fit in. I remember the huge adjustment of going from being the mom of 1 to the mom of 2. It was a lot more than twice the work, but oddly having #3 and #4 didn’t seem to increase the workload all that much in comparison to how noticeable the difference was after the 1st. I’m guessing going from 1 to 3 or 4 all at once would be a huge, huge adjustment.

When you add to that that you are in your early 30’s and still want to have at least one more baby, well having another baby (or the 3 or so more babies that you could conceivably have with the number of fertile years that you have left) might seem way too overwhelming. So, those existing kids would maybe also be competing with your desire to have more children in a way.

So, just saying, I think I understand now, and it really is a lot deeper than those are your “rules”. I don’t think you are being selfish or hypocritical. I think you are listening to the Holy Spirit on this one, maybe…

Hi dulcissima…I think you got it:thumbsup:!!! You’ve probably explained it better than I could have, and I’m glad you understand what I meant.

Now, I’m wonder what the heck I’m thinking…in talking to some of my girlfriends they got me all turned around:hypno:. They didn’t think I was being unreasonable…they thought I was being TOTALLY unrealistic!!! What ???

Apparently…those men do NOT exist:crying: :crying:. Please, someone tell me that they do…please. This is my most recent cause for worry when it comes to moving on.

 

[dulcissima]

Hi dulcissima…I think you got it:thumbsup:!!! You’ve probably explained it better than I could have, and I’m glad you understand what I meant.

Now, I’m wonder what the heck I’m thinking…in talking to some of my girlfriends they got me all turned around:hypno:. They didn’t think I was being unreasonable…they thought I was being TOTALLY unrealistic!!! What ???

Apparently…those men do NOT exist:crying: :crying:. Please, someone tell me that they do…please. This is my most recent cause for worry when it comes to moving on.

They do exist, Lexee. My stepfather is proof. 27 years ago he married my mom…his first marriage…he had no kids…and she had two. Yes, it was a steep learning curve for him, especially since he was 8 years younger than my mom (and only 13 years older than me!) But all these years later, they are still happily married, and even after they had a baby together, my sister Erin, he has always treated all 3 of us equally as daughters. My stepfather has been a wonderful grandfather to my kids and has totally been here for me and for my family while I have gone through this divorce.

So, you know what Jesus tells us…And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened…I think I believe him.

 

[Lexee15]

While my situation’s a bit different (I’m only 20 ), I set that same standard for myself, that I’d steer clear of any guys with kids. That was mostly because I was having trouble finding Catholic guys, and to find a non-Catholic with kids usually meant divorce or a lack of moral judgement…

However, I stumbled upon a wonderful young Catholic man with a daughter from a failed engagement. Not only is this man probably the most conservative man I’ve ever met who wasn’t already spoken for but he’s a wonderful and compassionate father. Since he already has a daughter, he’s more than eager to get right into parenting after marriage, which is something I’d been striking out on in the past (most guys my age want to wait an indetermined amount of time before starting a family, and I don’t )

All I can say is that while it’s good to set standards for yourself to protect your own feelings and the well-being of your children, don’t rule them out without first getting to know them. If a guy with kids happens to be just what you were expecting him to be, let him go and move on. Just don’t be too quick to cut and run.

I’m very happy for you FanChan!!! I’m glad you found someone like that, and you are right to a certain extent.

I don’t want to completely close myself off, I think whoever God wants to bring into my life I would be open to getting to know and I think that’s the key…getting to know the person.

 

[Lexee15]

They do exist, Lexee. My stepfather is proof. 27 years ago he married my mom…his first marriage…he had no kids…and she had two. Yes, it was a steep learning curve for him, especially since he was 8 years younger than my mom (and only 13 years older than me!) But all these years later, they are still happily married, and even after they had a baby together, my sister Erin, he has always treated all 3 of us equally as daughters. My stepfather has been a wonderful grandfather to my kids and has totally been here for me and for my family while I have gone through this divorce.

So, you know what Jesus tells us…And I tell you, ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened…I think I believe him.

Oh dulcissima, that is a beautiful story :hug3:!!! You certainly have put me at ease…thank you for sharing that, I really appreciate it:thumbsup:!!! And I believe Him too:extrahappy: !!!