I
InDoubt
Guest
I have been married for three years, both my husband and I practicant Catholics, with a 2 year old little girl and I am pregnant with another baby girl right now. This pregnancy is a very high risk pregnancy so I have been staying home in rest and will remain that way until the baby is born.
While staying at home, I called my husband one day to work and aked if I could go through a very large pile of old papers he had from before we were married and choose to throw out all the things that were not useful anymore and he agreed. I did so, and amongst those things I found a book binded in many layers of paper, about overcoming homosexuality. My heart sank, but instead of making a drama out of this and endangering the good relationship whe have had up to now, I decided to read the book and see what it had to offer. Many of the descriptions set on the book about the personality of a man with homosexual tendencies fit my husband like a glove, but I decided to accept that he is not perfect, that even though he never told me any of this before we married, he has been a good husband and father up to now. I mentalised myself into thinking that he knows the dangers of taking the Holy Communion if you are in mortal sin and therefore, that this must be a thing of the past. I even doubted the book being his but it is very likely that it is.
To my surprise, a few days ago I was going through my computer’s browsing hystory and found someone has been seeing facebook profile pictures of men in tiny swimsuits; only my husband and I use this computer whichi is my personal computer actually, but since I didn’t see him doing it and sometimes pictures appear as advertisement, I decided to disregard my paranoic mind once more. This happened one Sunday morning before mass and he took the Holy Communion that day so I thought, it was deffinitely in my mind.
But yesterday I caught him redhanded, though he doesn’t know it yet. I was in the bathroom ready to take a shower and he was “watching” our little one. I forgot something and opened the door suddenly and got a clear glimpse of what he was seeing in my computer screen before he collapsed it in a scared click, once again it was men. I acted out as if I had seen nothing and headed back to the shower. But then a thousand thoughts crossed my mind in a second. I am afraid that if I confront him, he will certainly lie to me and hide any further evidence I might find on this; I later checked he deleted the browsing history. This time he did not take Communion during Mass. It makes me wonder, if this is what he sees in my computer, what does he see in his? I have very little access to it.
I am afraid for my personal safety and that of our children if he were engaging in homosexual relationships, but I am also afraid of overreacting and damaging our marital life as it is now. I cannot approach a counselor at the time being because I cannot leave my house without the help of any other person at the time being (cannot drive, cannot climb down the stairs more than once daily and cannot sit for more than two hours in a row) and I would have to explain my reasons to reach counseling without telling my reasons for it. I have not told anyone else about this because I think it is unfair to reach the counsel of persons who are attached to me and cannot take a neutral and “both ways” approach to this delicate subject (my parents, his parents, our mutual and my own friends).
I beg for your counsel and your prayers for help
While staying at home, I called my husband one day to work and aked if I could go through a very large pile of old papers he had from before we were married and choose to throw out all the things that were not useful anymore and he agreed. I did so, and amongst those things I found a book binded in many layers of paper, about overcoming homosexuality. My heart sank, but instead of making a drama out of this and endangering the good relationship whe have had up to now, I decided to read the book and see what it had to offer. Many of the descriptions set on the book about the personality of a man with homosexual tendencies fit my husband like a glove, but I decided to accept that he is not perfect, that even though he never told me any of this before we married, he has been a good husband and father up to now. I mentalised myself into thinking that he knows the dangers of taking the Holy Communion if you are in mortal sin and therefore, that this must be a thing of the past. I even doubted the book being his but it is very likely that it is.
To my surprise, a few days ago I was going through my computer’s browsing hystory and found someone has been seeing facebook profile pictures of men in tiny swimsuits; only my husband and I use this computer whichi is my personal computer actually, but since I didn’t see him doing it and sometimes pictures appear as advertisement, I decided to disregard my paranoic mind once more. This happened one Sunday morning before mass and he took the Holy Communion that day so I thought, it was deffinitely in my mind.
But yesterday I caught him redhanded, though he doesn’t know it yet. I was in the bathroom ready to take a shower and he was “watching” our little one. I forgot something and opened the door suddenly and got a clear glimpse of what he was seeing in my computer screen before he collapsed it in a scared click, once again it was men. I acted out as if I had seen nothing and headed back to the shower. But then a thousand thoughts crossed my mind in a second. I am afraid that if I confront him, he will certainly lie to me and hide any further evidence I might find on this; I later checked he deleted the browsing history. This time he did not take Communion during Mass. It makes me wonder, if this is what he sees in my computer, what does he see in his? I have very little access to it.
I am afraid for my personal safety and that of our children if he were engaging in homosexual relationships, but I am also afraid of overreacting and damaging our marital life as it is now. I cannot approach a counselor at the time being because I cannot leave my house without the help of any other person at the time being (cannot drive, cannot climb down the stairs more than once daily and cannot sit for more than two hours in a row) and I would have to explain my reasons to reach counseling without telling my reasons for it. I have not told anyone else about this because I think it is unfair to reach the counsel of persons who are attached to me and cannot take a neutral and “both ways” approach to this delicate subject (my parents, his parents, our mutual and my own friends).
I beg for your counsel and your prayers for help
