Am I serving my neighbor or harming myself?

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Hi there, I am a highly sensitive person (HSP) and a traditional catholic, and still learning about this character strength, both to avoid getting overwhelmed all the time, but also to best serve my community. Unfortunately though, I have noticed that it comes with some problematic aspects as well, some of which I noticed yesterday at a mass gathering. So, after mass, my parish tend to share a nice meal together. That’s the time we get to do some bonding so to speak. Being highly sensitive, one thing I tend to do in social gatherings is observe my surrounding well. I pick up what sort of way people like to be treated and spoken to, what kind of influence they want to have on others to feel better about themselves, and what type of topics they favor most. Then, I subconsciously mirror that, and give them the social experience they desire. And I do this to everybody there, simultaneously, and add my own wit, humor and optimism to it, thus creating a more united and light hearted group. People tend to leave the mass feeling energized, uplifted and like they had a genuinely swell time, having me there. As much as I consider this an empathic strength, quite advantageous when being a woman and all, it comes at a cost. Not only do I not pick up on what is taking place in my surrounding, like losing appetite for food or forget my meal or not paying attention to the great wine I’m drinking, but I seem to be depleted after such an event. And what’s worse, throughout the event, I seem to degrade and demean myself for the sake of other people’s entertainment and thus put myself in positions that people can take advantage of, either to use against me or humiliate me with. I feel inferior, like I have a greater duty to certain excessive openness and honesty towards others that others don’t have towards me, such as controversial stories about how I was traumatized or used to rock a sinful hairdo. And I notice people know more about me than I know about them. Am I giving up my self-respect and integrity this way? What is happening to me, am I the mascot of the community, the bridge who is supposed to lay herself down and be walked upon? Where is the line drawn according to catholic morality, between what makes a person self-less and serving/loving their neighbor, and what makes them a doormat? Or is there nothing wrong being a doormat?
 
mimmizozo said:
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You are created in the image and likeness of God. You gotta love it.

Catechism of the Catholic Church
1700 The dignity of the human person is rooted in his creation in the image and likeness of God …

1930 Respect for the human person entails respect for the rights that flow from his dignity as a creature. These rights are prior to society and must be recognized by it. …
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I don’t quite understand how I should apply that to my situation. Are you saying that I am harming my dignity by behaving this way? Or that in behaving this way, I am in the image and likness of God and thus, nobody is harming my dignity and therefore not disrespecting me?
 
Are you more of an introvert?

I’m going to guess that the answer is yes.

For introverts, feeling depleted and exhausted after social events is normal.

In making small talk, it comes a little easier to extroverts who are able to add their own opinions to the conversation without getting too personally intimate. It’s harder for introverts to draw the line.

Feel free to not attend the meal part if it’s causing you stress. Whatever people in your parish say, it’s not required for church membership. Extroverts go on and on about parish community, but If you don’t feel like that kind of involvement is offering you spiritual support, but spiritual stress, know that you still belong to the true church either way.

Maybe you could seek out one or two friends and spend the meal with them? No need to be concentrating on everyone’s emotions and conversation topics. Seems like keeping track of ALL the folks at once is trouble for you.

You can offer as many of your personal stories as you feel comfortable. What is proper and dignified for one person might be too much for another. But look after yourself, while remaining involved!
 
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mimmizozo said:
I don’t quite understand how I should apply that to my situation. Are you saying that I am harming my dignity by behaving this way? Or that in behaving this way, I am in the image and likness of God and thus, nobody is harming my dignity and therefore not disrespecting me?
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None of that. You have dignity because you are created in the image and likeness of God, and therefore you can feel good about yourself in that, regardless of other opinions. If others disrespect you it does not change the fact that you are created in the image and likeness of God.
 
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Recognizing that YOU are also created in the Image of God and thus are deserving of love and respect is important. If this behavior yours demeans yourself and harms you while making everybody else feel good then I’d say to fix it, since you also need to be respected.
 
It’s not that i’m an introvert as much as it is that I in being so highly sensitive, my sensory nerves register everything in their surroundings, which overstimulates me and in turn overwhelms/depleats me easily.
 
Turning down the only parish gathering when it would not only disappoint people but require them to give me a drive away from there sooner, is hard to do i feel
 
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SunSeeker said:
Maybe you could seek out one or two friends and spend the meal with them? No need to be concentrating on everyone’s emotions and conversation topics. Seems like keeping track of ALL the folks at once is trouble for you.
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That’s a very good tip, thanks, I’ll try and do that.
 
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SunSeeker said:
What is proper and dignified for one person might be too much for another.
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I didn’t know that it was a relative thing. When others hold back, I have felt I need to hold back also. I obviously share these things in order to put people into deeper thoughts and be more intuitive and reflecting on important matters they perhaps dismiss. But sometimes in speaking my mind, it can certainly be too much for newcomers or those who are more private, and in making them uncomfortable, I guess it’s no longer charitable? I will try and look after myself and remain involved as you said.
 
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Thanks for clearing that up Vico, and that was very comforting to hear!
 
But i thought in catholicism, we are taught that we are unworthy of love and respect, that we do not have a right to it or earn it, but rather it is a gift. At mass, there have been parishioners who have said cruel and smug things or played emotional games with me hoping to stir up a reaction, and i’ve been told by others that they also have had similar problems with these individuals, but that we as catholics have to forgive and forget, and pray for those who persecute us, and rather make an effort to respond to evil with good. I have even recieved insults, humiliations and provoking comments by our good priest himself, and so have others at the parish, and if we get insulted, he would commonly advise us to practice humility.
 
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Not really, I’ve been this way all my life, and my whole life has been stressful. I just found ways throughout life to cope, but most cases coping had to happen while enduring, such as forced social family events, school stress etc. I recall a student asking me in school why I was always so fast and on the edge when speaking? Neither her nor I were aware that I was just always overstimulated, not only because of the high expectations and standards that my life had, but also having grown up in a middle eastern large family of controlling, critical and inconsiderate parents
 
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Yes, it is a gift from our Merciful Lord, but human life has dignity, since we are created in the Likeness of God. Being charitable to our neighbors doesn’t mean we have to turn into a show monkey (not saying that’s what’s happening to you, but an extreme example).
Remember that God loves you, He literally died for you, and we are His children. Having self esteem isn’t bad, and demeaning yourself for no reason isn’t good.
 
mimmizozo said:
Thanks for clearing that up Vico, and that was very comforting to hear!
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You are welcome. Also I can add that sensory processing sensitivity is not a disorder and may be an advantage in some ways. (See works of research psychologist Elaine Aron.)
 
Ahhh Sorry. I hadn’t thought about drives. Of course it’s hard to ask people you depend upon to skip events for you. I retract that advice.
 
Oh over-sensitivity will certainly have a similar effect. Just remember to look after yourself.

It’s definitely a relative thing, what’s appropriate to share with others. Or there’s an element of relativity. Its about an attitude of respecting your dignity. Its like idolizing something other than God. Only you can know when your heart has crossed a line. Its more of an interior thought pattern.
 
mimmizozo said:
But i thought in catholicism, we are taught that we are unworthy of love and respect,
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No, that is not Church teaching. The Church encourages us to have a reasonable amount of self-respect because we are God’s creations and God doesn’t make junk.
We are expected to be charitable towards others, but that doesn’t mean we need to let others just walk all over us like a doormat.

I think you really need to discuss with your priest about this.

I also agree with Cruciferi that discussing with your therapist is likely a good idea. I am concerned because instead of treating a parish get-together as just a normal social gathering where people get together and have a litlte “fellowship time”, you seem to be seeing it as a big drama where your presence and your activities are somehow central to the event. But outside of our families and close friends, none of us are all that important to other people.

You aren’t there to entertain the other attendees or give them what they want socially; you’re not some kind of hostess being paid to keep the other guests happy; and you seem to be encountering an awful lot of drama in minor social interactions with others. I have doubts that your priest is insulting, humiliating or provoking you, and based on the rest of your posts it seems like you may be misunderstanding or mis-perceiving normal comments made by others as some sort of a big emotional game or attack, and this may be what causes your stress.

Please talk to your therapist or counselor. You might also ask for their advice on whether these types of events are healthy for you to attend, and if so, what might be healthy behavior/ interactions for you while at the event.
 
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I have been to therapy, they have assessed me, doctors, psychologists and sociologists in relation to another large issue i had in life, and they couldn’t find any fault in me and in fact agreed with the claims i made about other people, because i had evidence for what i said they said and did to me, and they looked at the evidence and agreed. It’s actually insulting that you are assuming i’m mentally ill, because a parish has put me on a piedestal and insisted i show up because “I make a big contribution to the mass gatherings” and other sorts of comments making me feel bad for avoiding such gatherings. And I’m pretty sure the priest does taunt on purpose sometimes to test my virtue and vice, and that he thinks he is doing mine and other souls a service. I came from a family who gaslighted me and wanted me to believe i was insane and making things up, when in actuality, judged by lay people and professionals alike, it turned out they were the insane ones. So please, i understand why you’d say what you said, but don’t add to that drama as well.
 
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