Am I still married in God's eyes?

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NewRomanMan

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I’m a baptized and confirmed RC who married another same in Oct 1999. We had been having some marital issues and although I wanted to work thru them, she did not and in January of 2016 our divorce was final. I have been emotionally devastated and would rather be dead than divorced. So my question is, am I still married in God’s eyes, or am I now divorced, but not free to marry again? From what I understand, I am divorced in God’s eyes but I am not allowed to remarry without an annulment, which is out of the question. Our marriage was perfectly valid. I feel like I’m trapped. I didn’t ask for this divorce and I still love me ex wife, wife, whatever she may be. I feel like God is punishing me for someone else’s sin. All I really want to know is does God still consider me her husband or not?
 
You have a civil divorce (granted by your state).

You are still married in the eyes of God and the Church.
 
Civil divorce has nothing much to do with the sacrament of marriage. The Church can dissolve (annulment) a marriage if they investigate and find that the vows weren’t valid at the time they were made. If they were valid then you will be still be deemed to be married in the eyes of the Church who God has given authority to decide such matters. I’d talk to a priest about it though.
 
Polycarp1 said:
Civil divorce has nothing much to do with the sacrament of marriage. The Church can dissolve (annulment) a marriage if they investigate and find that the vows weren’t valid at the time they were made. If they were valid then you will be still be deemed to be married in the eyes of the Church who God has given authority to decide such matters. I’d talk to a priest about it though.
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Thank you! God’s will be done. Not mine.
 
NewRomanMan said:
I’m a baptized and confirmed RC who married another same in Oct 1999. We had been having some marital issues and although I wanted to work thru them, she did not and in January of 2016 our divorce was final. I have been emotionally devastated and would rather be dead than divorced. So my question is, am I still married in God’s eyes, or am I now divorced, but not free to marry again? From what I understand, I am divorced in God’s eyes but I am not allowed to remarry without an annulment, which is out of the question. Our marriage was perfectly valid. I feel like I’m trapped. I didn’t ask for this divorce and I still love me ex wife, wife, whatever she may be. I feel like God is punishing me for someone else’s sin. All I really want to know is does God still consider me her husband or not?
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Surest way forward is to have a talk with your parish priest - by appointment might be best.

It seems to me you have two problems to tackle. The first is to be divorced and to feel “trapped”. The other is that “I feel like God is punishing me for someone else’s sin”. Tackling those problems will probably not be an one-off appointment event, rather a journey to undertake with spiritual advice.

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Polycarp1 said:
Civil divorce has nothing much to do with the sacrament of marriage. The Church can dissolve (annulment) a marriage if they investigate and find that the vows weren’t valid at the time they were made. If they were valid then you will be still be deemed to be married in the eyes of the Church who God has given authority to decide such matters. I’d talk to a priest about it though.
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For the record, annulment doesn’t “dissolve” a marriage. It is a finding that no valid marriage existed to begin with.
 
BarbTh said:
Surest way forward is to have a talk with your parish priest - by appointment might be best.

It seems to me you have two problems to tackle. The first is to be divorced and to feel “trapped”. The other is that “I feel like God is punishing me for someone else’s sin”. Tackling those problems will probably not be an one-off appointment event, rather a journey to undertake with spiritual advice.

.
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I probably wasn’t as clear as I could have been. I guess what is bothering me the most is the idea of having to spend the rest of my life alone. If I am still married, I don’t want to transgress God’s law by dating and possibly marrying someone else, but at the same time, if I’m unable to ever reconcile with my spouse, I’m terrified of the idea of spending the rest of my life alone. I’m only 45. We have two daughters together and I so desperately want to reconcile. I’ve been praying and hoping and hoping and praying but nothing seems to ever come of it. I just feel wore down, used up and spent. Like my life is over and there isn’t anything left.
 
NewRomanMan said:
I probably wasn’t as clear as I could have been. I guess what is bothering me the most is the idea of having to spend the rest of my life alone. If I am still married, I don’t want to transgress God’s law by dating and possibly marrying someone else, but at the same time, if I’m unable to ever reconcile with my spouse, I’m terrified of the idea of spending the rest of my life alone. I’m only 45. We have two daughters together and I so desperately want to reconcile. I’ve been praying and hoping and hoping and praying but nothing seems to ever come of it. I just feel wore down, used up and spent. Like my life is over and there isn’t anything left.
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I was and am very sorry to read of your situation. Again, I would strongly recommend you have a talk with a priest - a priest to whom you open up completely would have far more insight about your marriage, divorce and now situation and the accompanying emotional reactions.

Without downplaying your emotional reaction at this time, it would be quite common for someone in your situation to have tremendously negative feelings and on all fronts, so don’t feel alone. The problem with Catholic discussion sites in some instances is that those responding cannot see the whole of your situation, nor are we normally Graced by God to do so. The other problem can be is that we can receive different kinds of advice and wind up not knowing which way to go.

Do continue to pray asking God’s Help and Consolation. Certainly, I can promise you that your life is not over, it only feels that way at this point. God is with you all the way, while at the same time He expects that we do what we might be able where our problems are concerned. Priests are God’s Gift to us in our journey through life and in very many ways.

What you can do at this time to take a step forward is to open up to a priest - very often it is a priest spiritual director who becomes the channel of God’s Consolation and resolution of our problems, no matter how dire they might seem to be.

A priest we consult for advice does function as a spiritual director whether in the short term or the longer term. He is Graced by God by virtue of his vocation to Holy Orders to be a shepherd for God’s People including for the one who might feel ‘lost’ in any way at all.

God bless and I will keep you in my own prayer.
PS Annulment is indeed not a divorce, it declares that there was no valid and Sacramental marriage in the first place. We are not good judges in our own situations sometimes, whereas a priest will ask all the necessary questions until our overall situation becomes clear to him. That is not to state that you would qualify for an annulment. I have no idea, but a priest would be able to discern the full situation - and that means the potential dispositions of both you and your husband at the time of marriage.
A priest would also be able to accompany you on your journey forward from the point where you now find yourself just now - whether or not it should involve an application for annulment. Some applications are granted, others are not.

I don’t think that you are looking for an annulment, what you are seeking if it all possible is reconciliation with your spouse. That too is a matter to discuss with a priest.
 
NewRomanMan said:
I’m a baptized and confirmed RC who married another same in Oct 1999. We had been having some marital issues and although I wanted to work thru them, she did not and in January of 2016 our divorce was final. I have been emotionally devastated and would rather be dead than divorced. So my question is, am I still married in God’s eyes, or am I now divorced, but not free to marry again? From what I understand, I am divorced in God’s eyes but I am not allowed to remarry without an annulment, which is out of the question. Our marriage was perfectly valid. I feel like I’m trapped. I didn’t ask for this divorce and I still love me ex wife, wife, whatever she may be. I feel like God is punishing me for someone else’s sin. All I really want to know is does God still consider me her husband or not?
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Please make an appointment, ASAP, with a wise and holy priest to discuss your marriage situation; he will be in the best place to advise you. Annulments are granted on a case by case basis, to think getting one for yourself is out of the question is not necessarily true and you cannot know for sure until you file the paperwork and ask for one.
 
Why do you say annullment is out of the question?

Are you in a support group?
 
NewRomanMan said:
I’m a baptized and confirmed RC who married another same in Oct 1999. We had been having some marital issues and although I wanted to work thru them, she did not and in January of 2016 our divorce was final. I have been emotionally devastated and would rather be dead than divorced. So my question is, am I still married in God’s eyes, or am I now divorced, but not free to marry again? From what I understand, I am divorced in God’s eyes but I am not allowed to remarry without an annulment, which is out of the question. Our marriage was perfectly valid. I feel like I’m trapped. I didn’t ask for this divorce and I still love me ex wife, wife, whatever she may be. I feel like God is punishing me for someone else’s sin. All I really want to know is does God still consider me her husband or not?
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Familaris Consortio of St. Pope John Paul II (1981)
w2.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/en/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_19811122_familiaris-consortio.html

d) Separated or Divorced Persons Who Have Not Remarried
  1. Various reasons can unfortunately lead to the often irreparable breakdown of valid marriages. These include mutual lack of understanding and the inability to enter into interpersonal relationships. Obviously, separation must be considered as a last resort, after all other reasonable attempts at reconciliation have proved vain.
Loneliness and other difficulties are often the lot of separated spouses, especially when they are the innocent parties. The ecclesial community must support such people more than ever. It must give them much respect, solidarity, understanding and practical help, so that they can preserve their fidelity even in their difficult situation; and it must help them to cultivate the need to forgive which is inherent in Christian love, and to be ready perhaps to return to their former married life.

The situation is similar for people who have undergone divorce, but, being well aware that the valid marriage bond is indissoluble, refrain from becoming involved in a new union and devote themselves solely to carrying out their family duties and the responsibilities of Christian life. In such cases their example of fidelity and Christian consistency takes on particular value as a witness before the world and the Church. Here it is even more necessary for the Church to offer continual love and assistance, without there being any obstacle to admission to the sacraments.
 
It’s noble that you wish to reconcile, and if you wish to pray for her to want the same, here is some advice a good priest once gave me (for any intention where a spouse is resistant). First, make sure that you try to stay in a state of grace – i.e., go to confession if it’s been a while. Then:
  1. Have Masses said (contact any parish to ask how to have a Mass intention; a small donation for each Mass is customary). Just say it’s for a special intention; God knows that you are asking for her conversion on this matter.
  2. Ask your guardian angel to talk to her guardian angel to help change her heart.
  3. Fast – this is the most active thing you can do! Maybe on a couple of days each week skip two meals and just have one simple meal. Give up other things as you are able, all with the intention to God to touch her heart for a possible reconciliation if it be His will.
 
Thank you all so very much for your encouraging words and your advice. It’s very much appreciated.
 
Yes, you are still married in the eyes of the Church. All marriages are presumed to be valid until investigated by a Tribunal.

As others have recommended please meet with your priest and discuss this with him.

Another thing that might be helpful is attending a Catholic’s Divorce Survival Program. Many parishes offer this 12 week program that brings divorced Catholics together to share their stories and to learn more about the emotions and struggles common to all people who go through a divorce. I attended this program and found it very helpful after my divorce. Also, there is no timeline of when one should attend. I went three months after my divorce while others waited a year, 5 years or longer to go.

I will pray for you.
 
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