Am I the only happpily working mom here (and is this how working dads normally feel)?

[Jennifer_J]

Actually, no… . My husband himself often feels he has some ‘typically feminine’ attributes… as in noticing mess and taking care of it without a word… or sometimes nagging about it… washing the dishes as soon as they begin to pile up… not being professionally ambitious and not caring about degrees obtained or money earned… wishing to be at home all the time and wishing his spouse would take care of all outside stuff, including paying bills… shy…

Are those typically feminine attributes? Hmmm, I don’t think so. AND I find that list a trifle…insulting, to be honest. Again, talk with your confessor for a more detailed example of what he means by feminine. Maybe he just wants you to embrace the fact that you are a woman!

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Actually, no… . My husband himself often feels he has some ‘typically feminine’ attributes… as in noticing mess and taking care of it without a word… or sometimes nagging about it… washing the dishes as soon as they begin to pile up… not being professionally ambitious and not caring about degrees obtained or money earned… wishing to be at home all the time and wishing his spouse would take care of all outside stuff, including paying bills… shy…

He is very manly, BTW. Dark and broad-shouldered and strong and all that. He just has some characteristics that are typically feminine.

We’re both happy, but I often wonder if we’re swapping roles in our marriage. If we are, I know that this is right for us, but in order to know more about my identity, I need to know if this whole gender-based providing/nurturing thing is real or just a fiction. Or something.

**I think this is where you are running into problems… what is your definition of masculine and feminine? The things you describe are personality traits. Either gender can be motivated/laid-back, clean/messy, likes to do things requiring order (like paying bills etc)/wishing someone else would handle those things…

how does GOD define masculine and feminine? I doubt it is in terms of personality traits though since he created us… it must be something deeper…something more a part of every** man and every woman…don’t get confused by society’s definitions (those change all of the time!).

 

[Litcrit]

Are those typically feminine attributes? Hmmm, I don’t think so. AND** I find that list a trifle…insulting, to be honest.** Again, talk with your confessor for a more detailed example of what he means by feminine. Maybe he just wants you to embrace the fact that you are a woman!

Thank you, that’s so refreshing! I’ll ask him again, I promise

 

[Jennifer_J]

The Catechism

scborromeo.org/ccc/p1s2c1p6.htm#355
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a6.htm#2331
esp, this might be helpful:
<<2333 Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept his sexual identity. Physical, moral, and spiritual difference and complementarity are oriented toward the goods of marriage and the flourishing of family life. The harmony of the couple and of society depends in part on the way in which the complementarity, needs, and mutual support between the sexes are lived out. >>

 

[Litcrit]

**I think this is where you are running into problems… what is your definition of masculine and feminine? The things you describe are personality traits. Either gender can be motivated/laid-back, clean/messy, likes to do things requiring order (like paying bills etc)/wishing someone else would handle those things…

how does GOD define masculine and feminine? I doubt it is in terms of personality traits though since he created us… it must be something deeper…something more a part of every** man and every woman…don’t get confused by society’s definitions (those change all of the time!).

Again, you’re right, thank you. This is how I feel too, but there are so many people all around who seem to think I’m ‘masculine’ and he’s ‘feminine’ and I was beginning to find my identity in that, while simultaneously feeling a bit guilty for being ‘transgendered’ or something or whatever…

 

[Litcrit]

The Catechism

scborromeo.org/ccc/p1s2c1p6.htm#355
scborromeo.org/ccc/p3s2c2a6.htm#2331
esp, this might be helpful:
<<2333 Everyone, man and woman, should acknowledge and accept his sexual identity. Physical, moral, and spiritual difference and complementarity are oriented toward the goods of marriage and the flourishing of family life. The harmony of the couple and of society depends in part on the way in which the complementarity, needs, and mutual support between the sexes are lived out. >>

Thank you! I think we have

the complementarity, needs, and mutual support between the sexes

wonderfully worked out!

 

[gardenswithkids]

…I guess I either need to know I’m a ‘good enough’ woman or that I’m the ‘man’ of the family. Either of the two would help me towards finding my identity.

Oh Litcrit! You don’t need to worry that you are not a “good enough” woman. You are who you are, and if you have XX chromosomes, you are a woman.

I bet if you took a “temperament” personality profile, you’d show strong tendency towards "choleric’. That temperament is more commonly found in men, but women have it too. People often marry temperaments that complement their own. Since you are happy working and your husband is happy staying home with your child, your parenting styles complement each other well. Don’t worry if your roles don’t fall into what “typical.” I just got a new book called “The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse”, http://www.amazon.com/Temperament-G...=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1225577577&sr=8-1 You might like it. It is a follow up to a book by the same authors, “The Temperament God Gave You.” but it goes into greater detail on how different temperaments often act in marriage.

 

[Guitar]

Litcrit, I’m not a mother but as you probably know from other threads I have many of the don’t-fit-the-mould issues you do.

FW and Jen J and gardens have said it above very well in other words, but my tuppence worth is that neither your confessor nor my mother nor anyone else that seems to have “issues” with what constitutes being “feminine” gets to define what that means for you or me in the context of our personalities and our circumstances.

Your call, no one else’s.

 

[Guitar]

Are those typically feminine attributes? Hmmm, I don’t think so. AND I find that list a trifle…insulting, to be honest.

Agree!

My H is the one who gets manic about dishes and washing piling up and while it is important to him to work hard and be a useful member of society, he has no professional ambitions whatsoever. He’s 100% OK with running the house. The only time he gets a bit upset is when people think that he has loads of time on his hands and just slouches around the place because he’s “not working”. But then SAH women have been insulted by that attitude for centuries, no doubt.

 

[Island_Oak]

… So, does this make me more ‘manly’ and ‘fatherly’ and less ‘womanly’ and ‘motherly’ or not? Are there other women like me?

Absolutely not!! This is not a manly vs. womanly issue. I think you are a very fortunate person~you have found satisfaction and balance in your life with a partner who understands and supports you. What a gift!!Think how many folks waste their time away wishing they were somewhere else. Congrats and enjoy (and for heaven’s sake stop worrying about what you’re “supposed” to feel and recognize just how blessed you are!)

 

[3GirlsRUs]

I work outside the home. My husband works an opposite shift than I do. I work your typical 8-5 M-F job. My DH works evenings into the nights and on the weekends with his two days off in the middle of the week. We have never needed Daycare for our children and I think that has made all the difference for us. My babies are cared for by their father whenever I go back to work (around 8 weeks post-partum), and they develop a very special bond with him. I feel so fortunate that my children have both of us to care for them.

And I enjoy working, also. I think I would enjoy staying at home, too, if we could swing it, but not the same way. It would just be different! Either way, I just love being a MOM!

 

[_Jenn]

Not sure what to tell you on the feeling feminine v. masculine issue, but as far as the working part -

I work. I went back to work when my son was almost 2. Only part-time, no way was I going back full time. It made me a better wife, a better mom, a better woman in general. Working is a part of who I’ve been since I was a kid.

I had people tell me I was abandoning my son (those people are no longer part of our lives). I had people ask me for advice, because they wanted to do it but were afraid to, people praise me for it, because they saw the change in me, you name it, I heard it. LOL

In the end, it comes down to only a few peoples opinions. Yours being the most important.

Look at how you are/were as both a mom who sah, and a mom who works - which mom is the better mom? Which mom feels more “right” to you?

Ask your dh. Does he see changes (positive or negative)? Listen to what he has to say, and discuss.

And look at your child. Any problems, issues, etc. that you can SOLELY attribute to you going back to work?

And while you are going through this checklist, pray. Pray for God to guide you and lead you to the decision that is best for you and your family. And once you know the answer, just move forward. Don’t look back, don’t give your critics (the ones outside your home who don’t know what they’re talking about because they aren’t in your shoes) the time of day about it, don’t react to the judgements, etc.

The whole “mommy wars” thing is absurd and ridiculous, IMO. It needs to be dropped faster than a hot potato. We’re not created out of some cookie cutter mold; God made us all unique for a reason. What works for some, doesn’t work for all.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Not sure what to tell you on the feeling feminine v. masculine issue, but as far as the working part -

I work. I went back to work when my son was almost 2. Only part-time, no way was I going back full time. It made me a better wife, a better mom, a better woman in general. Working is a part of who I’ve been since I was a kid.

I had people tell me I was abandoning my son (those people are no longer part of our lives). I had people ask me for advice, because they wanted to do it but were afraid to, people praise me for it, because they saw the change in me, you name it, I heard it. LOL

In the end, it comes down to only a few peoples opinions. Yours being the most important.

Look at how you are/were as both a mom who sah, and a mom who works - which mom is the better mom? Which mom feels more “right” to you?

Ask your dh. Does he see changes (positive or negative)? Listen to what he has to say, and discuss.

And look at your child. Any problems, issues, etc. that you can SOLELY attribute to you going back to work?

And while you are going through this checklist, pray. Pray for God to guide you and lead you to the decision that is best for you and your family. And once you know the answer, just move forward. Don’t look back, don’t give your critics (the ones outside your home who don’t know what they’re talking about because they aren’t in your shoes) the time of day about it, don’t react to the judgements, etc.

The whole “mommy wars” thing is absurd and ridiculous, IMO. It needs to be dropped faster than a hot potato. We’re not created out of some cookie cutter mold; God made us all unique for a reason. What works for some, doesn’t work for all.

**
Great advice:thumbsup:** **As long as a mom (or dad) is considering what is best for the entire family when making any decision (in prayer as well as in discussion and observation) then it is no one else’s business.

I have been “guilty” of judging working moms…but in reality I am not judging them based on the fact that they are working out of the home…I am making a judgment on the fact that they put their own needs ABOVE that of their family (as stated by them). I have a problem with selfish moms, not working moms.

And before anyone jumps on me, I KNOW that moms who stay at home can be just as selfish…that is why it is not an issue of working or not. It’s just that moms who work for selfish reasons are more visible than the selfish stay at home moms…
**

 

[Teakafrog]

I work. I have to financially–DH is starting his own business, and we just weren’t getting by with me at home (my job is pretty decent paying).
That said, I wish every single day that I could just be home with my kids. I hate working, and as soon as this business gets off it’s feet to where it’s supporting us, I will quit. I stayed home for the last couple years when I had a high-risk pregnancy, then was nursing the baby the first year, and I loved it. It was horrible having to go back.

 

[lovemysix]

You are not alone!

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic environment and it was pretty much assumed that once you were married, you were expected to have children, stay at home, and be a happy homemaker. I honestly believed it to a certain extent myself, until I tried it for myself and nearly became a basketcase. It threw me for a loop, let me tell you—being a stay-at-home mother was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, and one of the unhealthiest (for me and consequently for my family!!). I suffered through years of depression and struggle. I thought that something must be wrong with me.

After having 4 children in 4 1/2 years, it finally became an absolute financial necessity for me to work outside the home. What a relief!! What a gift from God! I found the person inside me who I had lost years before—and once I did, the joy came back in my life and I was finally able to start being the kind of mother I wanted to be for my children, a happy one! If I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d still work outside the home (granted, maybe just partime ). That’s how convinced I am that God has a mission for me out in the working world.

We are not all called to be stay-at-home mothers! Fortunately for me, my own experiences have given me absolute certitude on this subject, and I am now at a point where I don’t care what any of the conservative Catholic women (or men) in our circle of friends have to say about it. And since they know I couldn’t care less what they think, they tend to keep it to themselves nowadays! LOL

In the end, it’s all about what works best for your family and what you feel that God is calling you to. My husband and I don’t have the typical “traditional” gender roles in our relationship (I’ve always said that he can do ANYTHING I can for these kids short of gestating/breastfeeding them!), and we have one of the happiest marriages I know of (and I am thankful to God for this every day). This, coupled with the fact that our six kids are happy and turning out to be some pretty fantastic human beings, has given me a huge amount of confidence about the way we have chosen to live our lives. Meanwhile, lots of these “traditional” types I know aren’t very happy at all—which is a sign to me that perhaps they need to re-evaluate some the choices they have made.

I know lots of working women who also take their Catholic faith seriously. Look at St. Gianna! If the Church had a problem with working women, surely Gianna would not have been canonized. Gianna apparently believed that God meant for her to use her talents as a doctor as WELL as being a mother. I think it’s a real shame that women tend to snark on each other for these types of choices. I personally ALWAYS try to be supportive of my girlfriends—whether they work outside the home or stay at home with their children.

My hope for you is that you can get to that point where you accept yourself for what you are. Once you do, you’ll realize it doesn’t matter one iota what anybody else thinks about it!!

God bless,
Lauren

 

[Em_in_FL]

Thank you Lauren for your beautiful post (and thanks to Litcrit for starting this thread)!
It’s so wonderful and inspiring to hear from other working moms that are having a positive experience. It’s something I’ve struggled with immensely over the years because the “ideal image” of a SAHM was ingrained in my head and I’ve slowly had to correct that mindset to be able to function happily right where God has placed me.
So thank you for helping to reinforce that… I appreciate it!

 

[Litcrit]

Thank you so much, 3GirlsRUs, Jenn, Lauren, and Em, for sharing your positive experiences! I don’t feel like a freak anymore at all!

I hope everyone will find what it is that God is calling them to do in this life, and that it will be possible for them to do it

 

[whatevergirl]

Thank you so much, 3GirlsRUs, Jenn, Lauren, and Em, for sharing your positive experiences! I don’t feel like a freak anymore at all!

I hope everyone will find what it is that God is calling them to do in this life, and that it will be possible for them to do it

 

[maria29]

You are not alone!

I grew up in a very conservative Catholic environment and it was pretty much assumed that once you were married, you were expected to have children, stay at home, and be a happy homemaker. I honestly believed it to a certain extent myself, until I tried it for myself and nearly became a basketcase. It threw me for a loop, let me tell you—being a stay-at-home mother was the hardest thing I ever did in my life, and one of the unhealthiest (for me and consequently for my family!!). I suffered through years of depression and struggle. I thought that something must be wrong with me.

After having 4 children in 4 1/2 years, it finally became an absolute financial necessity for me to work outside the home. What a relief!! What a gift from God! I found the person inside me who I had lost years before—and once I did, the joy came back in my life and I was finally able to start being the kind of mother I wanted to be for my children, a happy one! If I won the lottery tomorrow, I’d still work outside the home (granted, maybe just partime ). That’s how convinced I am that God has a mission for me out in the working world.

We are not all called to be stay-at-home mothers! Fortunately for me, my own experiences have given me absolute certitude on this subject, and I am now at a point where I don’t care what any of the conservative Catholic women (or men) in our circle of friends have to say about it. And since they know I couldn’t care less what they think, they tend to keep it to themselves nowadays! LOL

In the end, it’s all about what works best for your family and what you feel that God is calling you to. My husband and I don’t have the typical “traditional” gender roles in our relationship (I’ve always said that he can do ANYTHING I can for these kids short of gestating/breastfeeding them!), and we have one of the happiest marriages I know of (and I am thankful to God for this every day). This, coupled with the fact that our six kids are happy and turning out to be some pretty fantastic human beings, has given me a huge amount of confidence about the way we have chosen to live our lives. Meanwhile, lots of these “traditional” types I know aren’t very happy at all—which is a sign to me that perhaps they need to re-evaluate some the choices they have made.

I know lots of working women who also take their Catholic faith seriously. Look at St. Gianna! If the Church had a problem with working women, surely Gianna would not have been canonized. Gianna apparently believed that God meant for her to use her talents as a doctor as WELL as being a mother. I think it’s a real shame that women tend to snark on each other for these types of choices. I personally ALWAYS try to be supportive of my girlfriends—whether they work outside the home or stay at home with their children.

My hope for you is that you can get to that point where you accept yourself for what you are. Once you do, you’ll realize it doesn’t matter one iota what anybody else thinks about it!!

God bless,
Lauren

This was extremely well saidI think that its sad especially that fellow Catholics (and I don’t mean on here necesarily) can be so unsupportive of moms who work outside of the home.

I think of all the times that I was able to share about the Catholic faith with a coworker who had a misguided view about Catholics, or a question that I was able to answer. If I’d been a SAHM I’d never of touched these peoples lives and that’s another thing I tell myself about the postives of working. I know its extremely hard and the other thing I do is offer it up. So the times that I start to feel sorry for myself, or feel self doubt, sadness etc, I say a quick prayer and then I offer those feeling I have up.