Am I wrong to be offended by this?

[benjammin]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

 

[Norseman82]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

Well, if I blew my top at every jerk who said every unfortunate circumstance of my life was part of “God’s plan” I’d probably be dead of hypertension or heart attack by now (but I do have to watch my blood pressure).

But you are correct, they are saying jerky things. You are not wrong to be offended by it, because even if they think they mean well, they really are causing harm to people. My advice would be to try to study what the Bible and CCC say about “God’s will” and marriage, singlehood, etc., so the next time someone says something jerky you are armed with an appropriate response against them. Even if they do not listen (like many here on CAF), you will have peace of mind knowing that you are right and they are wrong.

Or, you can take up boxing and invite him to an “open spar” session the next time he gets jerky with you. At least you will get a good workout that will hopefully lower your blood pressure.

Another thing: is this person a Calvinist? They have different views on “free will” than Catholics.

 

[SMHW]

You feel what you feel. And being offending is partially a feeling. There is no right or wrong associated with feeling a certain way.

People like to say all kinds of events (or potential events) must be God’s will when they can’t understand those events. It happens here at CAF. There is a distinction that can be made between God’s indicative will and God’s permissive will but even people who understand that distinction can’t be expected to always recognize it.

I doubt your friend meant to offend you but I think he made a rather thoughtless comment.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

It’s like people saying that someone who got cancer must not have enough faith, or that it’s God’s will for them. It’s very insensitive and not even how God operates. But forgive him. We all say stupid things from time to time.

 

[mountee]

Interesting question, of course if you feel offended then you are, nobody can tell you how to feel. But, If you don’t mind I would lie to make a suggestion. Pray for God’s plan for your life to become clear to you, involve yourself in activities where you can meet people who might become important to you and be patient. I would also suggest that you join in the web-site Pray more Novenas, John-Paul does a great job with this and his future wife prayed novenas before they met.

 

[benjammin]

Well, if I blew my top at every jerk who said every unfortunate circumstance of my life was part of “God’s plan” I’d probably be dead of hypertension or heart attack by now (but I do have to watch my blood pressure).

But you are correct, they are saying jerky things. You are not wrong to be offended by it, because even if they think they mean well, they really are causing harm to people. My advice would be to try to study what the Bible and CCC say about “God’s will” and marriage, singlehood, etc., so the next time someone says something jerky you are armed with an appropriate response against them. Even if they do not listen (like many here on CAF), you will have peace of mind knowing that you are right and they are wrong.

Or, you can take up boxing and invite him to an “open spar” session the next time he gets jerky with you. At least you will get a good workout that will hopefully lower your blood pressure.

Another thing: is this person a Calvinist? They have different views on “free will” than Catholics.

He is a very devout catholic, but he wasn’t really devout until college, so I assume that he is misinformed.

 

[maltmom]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

It was a thoughtless thing to say. In his own way he was probably trying to make you feel better. Just because he has a girlfriend and you don’t doesn’t mean he’ll get married first. You may meet someone and marry years before he does. Don’t be mad at God. He has wonderful plans for you.

It’s like people saying that someone who got cancer must not have enough faith, or that it’s God’s will for them. It’s very insensitive and not even how God operates. But forgive him. We all say stupid things from time to time.

As a cancer survivor this would make me see red and I’d probably end up saying things a good Christian woman shouldn’t say. 10 years ago I had a rare form of cancer. As a matter of fact the oncologists in my large city had never seen a case of it. God had a plan for me. I moved immediately after radiation treatments. I immediately had a salesman call on me. He girlfriend had the same cancer but was Stage 4. My story encouraged her and gave her hope. Then several years ago a friend called crying. He Dad was just diagnosed with the same type of cancer. I was able to encourage them. Then about a year ago another friend called. A friend of her’s was just diagnosed and the family was having a rough time. She used my story to show them that it wasn’t a death sentence. It had to have been God’s plan. In the big city no one had seen a case of this cancer. Now I live in much smaller town and I’ve been able to encourage 3 people in 10 years.

 

[ChibiViolet]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

It was not the right thing for him to say at the time, but I think he’s right. Remeber, not everyone is called to the married life; have you ever discerned the priesthood or being a monk or deacon? Most are called to married life though and you feel like you are so you probably are. It’s often very hard to accept the way things are and in this situation you might not have to; just take things slow, meet girls–preferably Catholic ones–you could meet them at church maybe (you could possibly to to different churchs than the one you normally go to,) befriend them and see what happens.

 

[St_Francis]

Istm that you have 3 questions: 1. What is the nature of God’s will? 2. What is God’s will for me? and 3. I am still offended by a remark my friend made a few years ago, what should I do?

The first two have been answered. The answer to the third is to forgive your friend.

 

[MidnightSun12]

I happen to agree with what your friend said. If it’s your vocation to be married then God will let you know in due time. In the meantime, you should focus on loving God with your whole heart and let Him take care of the things that are largely out of your control.

I know it’s a tough thing to let go of, but your vocation is something that just isn’t up to you (and I’ve definitely struggled with this concept, myself). You can certainly put yourself out there and try to meet a wife on your own, but meeting somebody who will truly help you get closer to heaven is something that only God is going to be able to make happen.

We just have to be able to say “Thy Will be done”. If that means that guy’s like us have to wait until our 30’s or 40’s to get married, then that’s our cross to carry for the glory of Our Lord!

 

[benjammin]

Okay everyone, just to clear things up, I am fairly sure that I want to be married. I’ve prayed about it, and also, i have problems with the priesthood. For one thing, I feel it would be difficult to give up on marriage and i would feel so alone. I am a person who needs people. I was very attracted to being a brother or monk, but again i don’t know if i could make that kind of committment. Marriage just seems more like something that is good for me. However, due to circumstances I will probably be single for a lot of reasons. I haven’t really dated anyone. I’ve been attracted to people but i’m so shy I get scared. Also i’m not that good looking and am too shy. So even though I want to, more than likely my friend was right sadly. So I guess I shouldn’t be offended, it was just hard to swallow facts

 

[robwar]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

No, he was very insensitive to your past and the trauma of losing a parent as well as flaunting the fact that he has a girlfriend and you don’t. Sometimes when people listen to traumatic events that happen in someone elses life, they don’t really know what to say so they resort to insensitive remarks such as is must have been God’s will. That really shows his lack of immaturity so i hope that you can move on and find better friends. Losing a parent at that age is very difficult. Hopefully, you can reflect on this in that you should make a determination that if someone share with you some trauma from the past, that you can share that you are sorry they went through this and you hope that they find help from God in dealing with this just as God has helped you. I think instead of dwelling on his stupidity, decide for yourself that you won’t treat someone else this way.
Also, I really don’t think you should give up one yourself in finding a mate. some dioceses have adult single groups that get together and do things. I hope that you could join something like this, it will give you a social outlet and help you met new people and do things. I know that there are Catholic dating web sites and i think just because you never had a girlfriend doesn’t mean that you won’t. Since you have dealt with some very serious losses, use that to make yourself more compassionate and understanding of others.
You have alot to give and hang in there.

 

[Julian0404]

Benjammin, “A few years ago…” and you are still holding onto this quote by your friend? Two thoughts, 1. ". . . . forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. . . " 2. Perhaps your refusal to release, forgive, move on is part of your loneliness?
Relationships are formed in compromise, both friendship and marriage. Let it go, and leave it to GOD, but give HIM all the help you can - join church groups, go to coffee shops with friends to meet others, join a Christian on line dating service, etc.

 

[Delaine75]

We don’t know what God’s plans are for us sometimes, and maybe it is God’s plan for you to wait on a relationship. You don’t know that it isn’t, so why would that offend you?? Plus, 23 is still young, you have all the time in the world ahead of you.

And… just my two cents here… if something is still making you feel offended after a few years, it is probably time to let it go…

 

[benjammin]

Benjammin, “A few years ago…” and you are still holding onto this quote by your friend? Two thoughts, 1. ". . . . forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. . . " 2. Perhaps your refusal to release, forgive, move on is part of your loneliness?
Relationships are formed in compromise, both friendship and marriage. Let it go, and leave it to GOD, but give HIM all the help you can - join church groups, go to coffee shops with friends to meet others, join a Christian on line dating service, etc.

Thanks, and Its not like I think about it everyday, it just makes me wonder if he was right. Also, i can’t really look right now since i’m unemployed after graduating and I need money before I can even think of being in a relationship. Also, I live in a very rural area where there aren’t any young people groups and most that go to church are either over 65 or married.

 

[Don_Jackson]

I happen to agree with what your friend said. If it’s your vocation to be married then God will let you know in due time. QUOTE]

I would, with all due respect, argue your hypothesis by pointing out that while it may be God’s will to let him know in due time, it is not his friend’s place to speak for God.

Peace and all good!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Benjammin, “A few years ago…” and you are still holding onto this quote by your friend? Two thoughts, 1. ". . . . forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. . . " 2. Perhaps your refusal to release, forgive, move on is part of your loneliness?
Relationships are formed in compromise, both friendship and marriage. Let it go, and leave it to GOD, but give HIM all the help you can - join church groups, go to coffee shops with friends to meet others, join a Christian on line dating service, etc.

Nice catch! I read that “A few DAYS ago,” wasn’t paying enough attention. This has obviously been eating at you for too long Benjammin. Time to let it go!

 

[Julian0404]

Thanks, and Its not like I think about it everyday, it just makes me wonder if he was right. Also, i can’t really look right now since i’m unemployed after graduating and I need money before I can even think of being in a relationship. Also, I live in a very rural area where there aren’t any young people groups and most that go to church are either over 65 or married.

Benjammin,
With a high school degree all you need to do is go down to the Armed Forces Recruiting Office and sign up - been there done that - I suggest Air Force as they have, in my experience, the best housing, training and advancement opportunities (Navy is 2nd).
It works just as well with a college degree.

 

[benjammin]

Benjammin,
With a high school degree all you need to do is go down to the Armed Forces Recruiting Office and sign up - been there done that - I suggest Air Force as they have, in my experience, the best housing, training and advancement opportunities (Navy is 2nd).
It works just as well with a college degree.

Hey thanks, but I meant I graduated from college. I want to get a teaching job, but it hasn’t worked out. Also I have a mother from the anti vietnam generation who i still live with so the military is a no no unless I want to have a big fight, which I don’t.

I do thank you for your help.

God Bless

 

[chevalier]

Okay, so a few years ago a friend and I were talking and the subject ended up being relationships. He just got a new girlfriend and of course I was still single. Anyway I told him that I was worried that i’d end up like my parents and get married when I was in my late 30’s or 40’s and like my father die when my kids were too young (my dad died when I was 15 btw). Anyway his answers was "well If thats what happens its what God wants). Ever since that answer has made me furious. Why would God want me to be single until then? It still makes me a little mad at him. it sounded like a jerky thing to say because it felt like he was saying that since I was single it was god’s plan. I’m sorry, but I don’t think that it is God’s plan, at least in that since. So am I wrong in being offended. Maybe he’s right. I’m 23 now and have never had a relationship, more than likely it will be another 23 years until i have one.

People may very well not have a faint clue when talking about God’s will or God’s plan.

And God never wants evil to happen to you. God allows trials to come on us for our own good or otherwise turns misfortunes into something good (e.g. opportunity to grow in holiness) but doesn’t want bad things to happen to us per se. He loves us infinitely more than even our earthly parents do.