American Catholicism

[mcliffor]

You know you’re an American “Catholic” if:

Your priest has an accent.
You think purgatory doesn’t exist anymore
You’ve never heard of “O Salutaris Hostia,” but know “All are welcome!” like the back of your hand.
You’re not really sure where the tabernacle went.
You don’t know what a tabernacle is.
You and your priest have the same wardrobe.
The only sacrament you can ever remember is “community.”
You can’t remember the name of your parish, but you’ll check next Easter.
Don’t understand why Jesus was born only seventeen days after he was immaculately conceived.
A biretta is a gun.
You’ve never seen an altar “boy.”
The contents of your kitchen cabinet are nicer than your parish’s communion vessels
Hell is for Nazis and terrorists.
Your music director thinks Latin is evil.
Your parish’s confessional is a closet with a chair in it.
MLK day was a bigger deal for you than the Ascension.
You laugh at people who believe in the devil.
You’re against communion on the tongue.
You call your priest by his first name.
You’ve worn the same outfit to Mass and the beach.
You hate Pius XII.
Don’t know what Confirmation is about.
You pray your son won’t become a priest.
Your church looks like a warehouse.
Judging people is wrong, fornication isn’t.
You resent the pope for trying to tell you how to live your personal life.
You care more about affirmative action than abortion and vote accordingly.
You think the Church could learn a thing or two from the Episcopals.
You have an aunt who wants to be a priest.
You use the abuse scandals as an excuse for not going to Mass.
You think a cassock is a member of a Slavic tribe.
You were baptized after your first birthday.

 

[ChristIsTheWay]

Interesting list. I suppose I’m not an American Catholic because only two of the items on your list are true of me: I’ve never heard of “O Salutaris Hostia” and, being a convert, I was baptized well after my first birthday.

 

[DustinsDad]

…I’ve never heard of “O Salutaris Hostia” …

O Salutaris Hostia is from the last two verses of Verbum Supernum, one of the five Eucharistic Hymns written by St. Thomas Aquinas at the request of Pope Urban IV when the Pope first instituted the Feast of Corpus Christi in 1264. The prayer is now used most commonly at Benediction of the Blessed Sacrament :

O salutaris Hostia
Quae coeli pandis ostium.
Bella premunt hostilia;
Da robur, fer auxilium.

Uni trinoque Domino
Sit sempiterna gloria:
Qui vitam sine termino,
Nobis donet in patria.
Amen.

(translated)

O Saving Victim opening wide
The gate of heaven to all below.
Our foes press on from every side;
Thine aid supply, Thy strength bestow.

To Thy great name be endless praise
Immortal Godhead, One in Three;
Oh, grant us endless length of days,
In our true native land with Thee.
Amen.

 

[LilyM]

You know you’re an American “Catholic” if:

Don’t understand why Jesus was born only seventeen days after he was immaculately conceived.

A biretta is a gun.

:bigyikes: :bigyikes:

You have an aunt who wants to be a priest.

Wouldn’t surprise me if my Mum did want to be a priest - come to think of it she’d want to start as Pope and work up from there

You use the abuse scandals as an excuse for not going to Mass.

I have family members who do

You think a cassock is a member of a Slavic tribe.

Hey, I’m a Dalmatian - that’s a REAL Slavic tribe, believe it or not (to be more precise, Croatian)

 

[Catholic_Dude]

Lets see here, Ill go down each item:

You know you’re an American “Catholic” if:

-]Your priest has an accent./-]
-]You think purgatory doesn’t exist anymore/-]
You’ve never heard of “O Salutaris Hostia,” -]but know “All are welcome!” like the back of your hand./-]
-]You’re not really sure where the tabernacle went./-]
-]You don’t know what a tabernacle is./-]
-]You and your priest have the same wardrobe./-]
-]The only sacrament you can ever remember is “community.”/-]
-]You can’t remember the name of your parish, but you’ll check next Easter./-]
-]Don’t understand why Jesus was born only seventeen days after he was immaculately conceived./-]
-]A biretta is a gun./-]
-]You’ve never seen an altar “boy.”/-]
-]The contents of your kitchen cabinet are nicer than your parish’s communion vessels/-]
-]Hell is for Nazis and terrorists./-]
-]Your music director thinks Latin is evil./-]
-]Your parish’s confessional is a closet with a chair in it./-]
-]MLK day was a bigger deal for you than the Ascension./-]
-]You laugh at people who believe in the devil.
You’re against communion on the tongue.
You call your priest by his first name.
You’ve worn the same outfit to Mass and the beach.
You hate Pius XII.
Don’t know what Confirmation is about.
You pray your son won’t become a priest.
Your church looks like a warehouse.
Judging people is wrong, fornication isn’t.
You resent the pope for trying to tell you how to live your personal life.
You care more about affirmative action than abortion and vote accordingly.
You think the Church could learn a thing or two from the Episcopals.
You have an aunt who wants to be a priest.
You use the abuse scandals as an excuse for not going to Mass.
You think a cassock is a member of a Slavic tribe.
You were baptized after your first birthday./-]

Well I went down that list and I cant say I fit any of the above except half of part 3.

Nice try but your worthless as a real Catholic to even suggest such trash.

 

[CatholicNick]

Lets see here, Ill go down each item:

Well I went down that list and I cant say I fit any of the above except half of part 3.

Nice try but your worthless as a real Catholic to even suggest such trash.

Maybe he was joking? Lighten up.

And, maybe you could be a little more charitable.

 

[Stephen_C]

If he meant it as a joke (which I hope he did) this should go to the water cooler/back fence forum. Not in the Apolgetics forum.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

If he meant it as a joke (which I hope he did) this should go to the water cooler/back fence forum. Not in the Apolgetics forum.

I got a laugh out of it.

If it was in the water cooler/back fence forum I would have never seen it.

 

[mcliffor]

Of course I was joking! It was something I found funny and thought I’d share on the forums, but I guess I picked the wrong one? Clearly, it’s not supposed to describe every american catholic, just some traits that are unique to the US and distinguish it from catholicism in other places and time periods.

 

[water]

Of course I was joking! It was something I found funny and thought I’d share on the forums, but I guess I picked the wrong one? Clearly, it’s not supposed to describe every american catholic, just some traits that are unique to the US and distinguish it from catholicism in other places and time periods.

I know your good intention about this post, but we just need to be careful not hurting the feelings of others. There are many ways to make post more friendly.

 

[LilyM]

I know your good intention about this post, but we just need to be careful not hurting the feelings of others. There are many ways to make post more friendly.

Oh please - it’s not unique to American Catholicism - a lot of things there that plenty of Western Catholics can relate to.

Take it in the lighthearted spirit in which it was intended.

 

[Julianna]

You know you’re an American “Catholic” if:

Your priest has an accent.
You think purgatory doesn’t exist anymore
You’ve never heard of “O Salutaris Hostia,” but know “All are welcome!” like the back of your hand.
You’re not really sure where the tabernacle went.
You don’t know what a tabernacle is.
You and your priest have the same wardrobe.
The only sacrament you can ever remember is “community.”
You can’t remember the name of your parish, but you’ll check next Easter.
Don’t understand why Jesus was born only seventeen days after he was immaculately conceived.
A biretta is a gun.
You’ve never seen an altar “boy.”
The contents of your kitchen cabinet are nicer than your parish’s communion vessels
Hell is for Nazis and terrorists.
Your music director thinks Latin is evil.
Your parish’s confessional is a closet with a chair in it.
MLK day was a bigger deal for you than the Ascension.
You laugh at people who believe in the devil.
You’re against communion on the tongue.
You call your priest by his first name.
You’ve worn the same outfit to Mass and the beach.
You hate Pius XII.
Don’t know what Confirmation is about.
You pray your son won’t become a priest.
Your church looks like a warehouse.
Judging people is wrong, fornication isn’t.
You resent the pope for trying to tell you how to live your personal life.
You care more about affirmative action than abortion and vote accordingly.
You think the Church could learn a thing or two from the Episcopals.
You have an aunt who wants to be a priest.
You use the abuse scandals as an excuse for not going to Mass.
You think a cassock is a member of a Slavic tribe.
You were baptized after your first birthday.

Thought it was great. American Catholicism is different than Europe. I don’t agree with all you posted…but I considered it light hearted and fun…some of which the die hards may not. God does have a sense of humor.

 

[water]

Oh please - it’s not unique to American Catholicism - a lot of things there that plenty of Western Catholics can relate to.

Take it in the lighthearted spirit in which it was intended.

sure, it is all over the world. It doesn’t mean to make this funny in this forum - there is other forum this post could’ve been in. Also, how do you know if this post doesn’t hurt other people’s feeling. While you are thinking this is for lighthearted spirit, others might not - even thinking that this is mocking.

Apologetics should have been named “Water Cooler”, then I have nothing to say to this thread!

 

[Sabda]

Here I thought I was an American. Guess I was wrong!

I have seen or heard, from some people, some of those but not all of them. The parish I go to now is very traditional (NO Mass not TLM).

 

[wjp984]

well the thing about Jesus being born 17 days after the Immacuate Conception doesn’t make sense but isn’t the Annunciation 9 months before Chrismas in March which would make sense.

 

[LilyM]

well the thing about Jesus being born 17 days after the Immacuate Conception doesn’t make sense but isn’t the Annunciation 9 months before Chrismas in March which would make sense.

The point of that joke is that an awful lot of Catholics think (ask a sample at your church next Sunday and you’ll see) that the term ‘Immaculate Conception’ actually refers to Mary’s conception of Christ while remaining a virgin, and not to the fact that she herself was conceived without original sin. A largeish number don’t even realise that it’s church dogma that Mary herself was without original sin.

 

[dranzal]

Well, I thought it was funny.

In fact, our choir leader did ask me two years ago why we celebrated the Immaculate Conception so close to Christmas for that very reason. Yes, our choir leader.

How about…

…If “extraordinary” simply means super special when referring to Ministers of Holy Communion and there are at least 6-8 of them at each Mass in a relatively small parish.

…If parents of 2nd graders need to ask the CCD teacher for a “cheat sheet” to teach their children the “Act of Contrition” because the last time they recited that was when they were in 2nd grade themselves.

On the other hand (to be fair) You might be an over-zealous traditionalist if…

You glare at the person next to you and cram your hands in your pockets if they offer their hand for the Our Father–after all, you say, it isn’t liturgically correct.

Rather than joining the choir and effecting change from within, you drive an hour or more away to avoid Protestant guitar music.

If you sat in front on the opposite side from where Fr. decides to distribute Communion so you go all the way around to get in his line to “make your point” about EMHC’s.

You recite the Our Father rather than join in with the choir’s latest non-chant rendition.

 

[Seatuck]

I thought it was meant to be funny and start conversation. I’ve run into most of these amongst the Catholics I know. We have got to get some better quality Catechisis and impart a sense of faith better.
The last item about baptism doesn’t make sense, though. Even the majority of Cafeteria Catholics baptise their babies within a few months . Unless I’m missing something that goes on in the rest of the country. I could be just overthinking…

 

[bones_IV]

You know you’re an American “Catholic” if:

Your priest has an accent.
You think purgatory doesn’t exist anymore
You’ve never heard of “O Salutaris Hostia,” but know “All are welcome!” like the back of your hand.
You’re not really sure where the tabernacle went.
You don’t know what a tabernacle is.
You and your priest have the same wardrobe.
The only sacrament you can ever remember is “community.”
You can’t remember the name of your parish, but you’ll check next Easter.
Don’t understand why Jesus was born only seventeen days after he was immaculately conceived.
A biretta is a gun.
You’ve never seen an altar “boy.”
The contents of your kitchen cabinet are nicer than your parish’s communion vessels
Hell is for Nazis and terrorists.
Your music director thinks Latin is evil.
Your parish’s confessional is a closet with a chair in it.
MLK day was a bigger deal for you than the Ascension.
You laugh at people who believe in the devil.
You’re against communion on the tongue.
You call your priest by his first name.
You’ve worn the same outfit to Mass and the beach.
You hate Pius XII.
Don’t know what Confirmation is about.
You pray your son won’t become a priest.
Your church looks like a warehouse.
Judging people is wrong, fornication isn’t.
You resent the pope for trying to tell you how to live your personal life.
You care more about affirmative action than abortion and vote accordingly.
You think the Church could learn a thing or two from the Episcopals.
You have an aunt who wants to be a priest.
You use the abuse scandals as an excuse for not going to Mass.
You think a cassock is a member of a Slavic tribe.
You were baptized after your first birthday.

Unfortunately, this is the litany of how people attempt to take the keys away from Peter. Mother Angelica on World Youth Day 1995 in Denver, “I’m so tired of you, liberal America.”

 

[Teakafrog]

Man, you folks need to go buy a sense of humor! This was hilarious! And sadly, very true to much of society. Why MUST people take everything literally?
I thought it was very appropriate in Apologetics, because it describes a large segment of our ‘Catholic’ population. Obviously the people who frequent Catholic chat boards (us) are usually more devout, but this is who voted pro-death last week. We need to catechize them, not separate ourselves from them. We need to be the leaven to these folks. Not make snarky comments about how we would never do the things on this list. We are our brother’s keeper. So why do they not know better? Have we not reached out to them?