An admission

[ZDHayden]

I have a confession.

When I first started going to Mass two years ago, the Church seemed so alive, so vibrant. But, I began to see that that was a delusion. It’s odd, because the more I fell in love with the Church, the more wounded She appeared.

I was originally enamored by the strong participation in the Eucharist - knowing that only those Catholics in a state of grace could even licitly dare to receive. After I was confirmed, I swiftly became a weekly penitent. I did not, and do not, wish to be in a state of sin, even venial when before our Lord - it hurts in an odd, intense way to the point that I almost feel pain. Then I noticed something: times when confession was offered, the church was almost empty. It was just myself and two or three other people, regulars. I try to not judge the soul of everyone else (because they may go to other priests, or go during an appointed time - I can be an optimist sometimes), but it just makes me wonder: how many times, every single Mass, is our Lord mocked by being consumed unworthily?

I’ve started to have to keep my head down before and after receiving, and even when I do not receive, because (while it’s valid, not sinful, etc.) communion in the hand is like being stabbed in the heart. I have wanted many times to kneel, but feared the repercussions last minute. If someone attacks me, all I have is my desire for reverence to be given to our Lord as a defense. I also do not want to seem ‘holier-than-thou,’ as false piety is perhaps more grating than sincere abuse.

And then I hear some of the statistics: 30% of Catholics believe in the Real Presence, 90 something % actively use contraception, somewhere in the 70 percents don’t even go to Mass, the abuse scandal. There is bickering over the Liturgy, pious practices are being shunned in some areas, people do not know their faith, confession lines are empty and communion lines are full. And I ask myself: What’s happening?! I want to sometimes cry (I didn’t even cry at my step-father’s funeral; my step-father was closer to me than my biological father).

I see the Church I love wounded, bleeding, broken. I see Her barely able to stand. And I want to help. I want to bind Her wounds, nurse Her back to health and help her walk again. I want to heal the Church, but I feel powerless. I don’t know what to do. Even if I had the power, I wouldn’t know where or how to start. I think that was the driving force between me wanting to become a priest a few months ago, because I saw that as the best way to heal the Church. I am not priest material. I am not a protagonist, but a mere assistant. But I still want to heal Her whom I love.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.

 

[Edward_H]

I have a confession.

When I first started going to Mass two years ago, the Church seemed so alive, so vibrant. But, I began to see that that was a delusion. It’s odd, because the more I fell in love with the Church, the more wounded She appeared.

I was originally enamored by the strong participation in the Eucharist - knowing that only those Catholics in a state of grace could even licitly dare to receive. After I was confirmed, I swiftly became a weekly penitent. I did not, and do not, wish to be in a state of sin, even venial when before our Lord - it hurts in an odd, intense way to the point that I almost feel pain. Then I noticed something: times when confession was offered, the church was almost empty. It was just myself and two or three other people, regulars. I try to not judge the soul of everyone else (because they may go to other priests, or go during an appointed time - I can be an optimist sometimes), but it just makes me wonder: how many times, every single Mass, is our Lord mocked by being consumed unworthily?

I’ve started to have to keep my head down before and after receiving, and even when I do not receive, because (while it’s valid, not sinful, etc.) communion in the hand is like being stabbed in the heart. I have wanted many times to kneel, but feared the repercussions last minute. If someone attacks me, all I have is my desire for reverence to be given to our Lord as a defense. I also do not want to seem ‘holier-than-thou,’ as false piety is perhaps more grating than sincere abuse.

And then I hear some of the statistics: 30% of Catholics believe in the Real Presence, 90 something % actively use contraception, somewhere in the 70 percents don’t even go to Mass, the abuse scandal. There is bickering over the Liturgy, pious practices are being shunned in some areas, people do not know their faith, confession lines are empty and communion lines are full. And I ask myself: What’s happening?! I want to sometimes cry (I didn’t even cry at my step-father’s funeral; my step-father was closer to me than my biological father).

I see the Church I love wounded, bleeding, broken. I see Her barely able to stand. And I want to help. I want to bind Her wounds, nurse Her back to health and help her walk again. I want to heal the Church, but I feel powerless. I don’t know what to do. Even if I had the power, I wouldn’t know where or how to start. I think that was the driving force between me wanting to become a priest a few months ago, because I saw that as the best way to heal the Church. I am not priest material. I am not a protagonist, but a mere assistant. But I still want to heal Her whom I love.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.

Legitimate concerns, worries.

Yet, God doesn’t want us to worry. We have no right to worry over these things. We need to be busy praying for the Church, lifting others, removing a natural criticalness of spirit in us. Asking God for more grace, more faith, hope, and more charity in real deeds. The Church suffers, because we don’t love enough, we don’t suffer enough. You and I.

Maybe we could choose to love, choose to give more, to struggle more by refusing to attend to the “empty glass”. This takes effort and sacrifice and lots and lots of prayer - lots of conversation with God. Lots of grace, lots of Masses well attended.

It may also mean even more humility, and even quieter sacrifice.

More prayer, more joy, more sacrifice.

Our faithfulness can help others. Remember in the Gospel - where another’s faith is sufficient to move God to help others.

That’s us. It’s our turn to trust even more, to please God with our trust and our humility.

It’s also a great joy to be part of this growth, seeking the great supernatural good in the Church and in others.

Just some thoughts.

 

[yinekka]

Edward, great reply to ZDHayden’t legitimate concerns. ZD reminds me of myself when I returned to the Church first the exileration and then the realisation that the Faith had a cancer which had metasticised. I wasted a lot of time over this matter until I realised that I was neglecting my prayer life and this was probably what the evil one wanted. Now I try to be and do as you have outlined Edward.

 

[Shin]

A large number of people have gone through the same process you are describing above. . . you are not alone.

You haven’t quite gotten as far in the process as one eventually gets…

Embrace tradition fearlessly, and learn from the saints.

And if you can find a traditional parish go there so you are less alone. But whereever you go, be a good soldier for Christ and do not allow bad habits surrounding you, to become a part of the way you conduct yourself.

Or at least, do your best in that regard. Do your best!

Some of the sermons below might help!

 

[Thoughtfulone]

At the Last Supper, didn’t the apostles take the body of Christ in hand? Relax and remember that we are there for COMMUNION, which is (should be) uniting all of us together, not separating us and causing us to judge one another.

 

[marica_mandic]

I have a confession.

When I first started going to Mass two years ago, the Church seemed so alive, so vibrant. But, I began to see that that was a delusion. It’s odd, because the more I fell in love with the Church, the more wounded She appeared.

I was originally enamored by the strong participation in the Eucharist - knowing that only those Catholics in a state of grace could even licitly dare to receive. After I was confirmed, I swiftly became a weekly penitent. I did not, and do not, wish to be in a state of sin, even venial when before our Lord - it hurts in an odd, intense way to the point that I almost feel pain. Then I noticed something: times when confession was offered, the church was almost empty. It was just myself and two or three other people, regulars. I try to not judge the soul of everyone else (because they may go to other priests, or go during an appointed time - I can be an optimist sometimes), but it just makes me wonder: how many times, every single Mass, is our Lord mocked by being consumed unworthily?

I’ve started to have to keep my head down before and after receiving, and even when I do not receive, because (while it’s valid, not sinful, etc.) communion in the hand is like being stabbed in the heart. I have wanted many times to kneel, but feared the repercussions last minute. If someone attacks me, all I have is my desire for reverence to be given to our Lord as a defense. I also do not want to seem ‘holier-than-thou,’ as false piety is perhaps more grating than sincere abuse.

And then I hear some of the statistics: 30% of Catholics believe in the Real Presence, 90 something % actively use contraception, somewhere in the 70 percents don’t even go to Mass, the abuse scandal. There is bickering over the Liturgy, pious practices are being shunned in some areas, people do not know their faith, confession lines are empty and communion lines are full. And I ask myself: What’s happening?! I want to sometimes cry (I didn’t even cry at my step-father’s funeral; my step-father was closer to me than my biological father).

I see the Church I love wounded, bleeding, broken. I see Her barely able to stand. And I want to help. I want to bind Her wounds, nurse Her back to health and help her walk again. I want to heal the Church, but I feel powerless. I don’t know what to do. Even if I had the power, I wouldn’t know where or how to start. I think that was the driving force between me wanting to become a priest a few months ago, because I saw that as the best way to heal the Church. I am not priest material. I am not a protagonist, but a mere assistant. But I still want to heal Her whom I love.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, miserere nobis.

The bast way to help Jesus is to improve yourself. Shine positive as kids, and then you are the best example for another, not judging them.

 

[puzzleannie]

I have a confession.

When I first started going to Mass two years ago, the Church seemed so alive, so vibrant. But, I began to see that that was a delusion. It’s odd, because the more I fell in love with the Church, the more wounded She appeared.

a very good reason, but you were judging on the behavior and demeanor of individuals in the parish, not the universal Church.

I was originally enamored by the strong participation in the Eucharist

-again, a good reason, but based on the activities of certain humans you observed.

Then I noticed something: times when confession was offered, the church was almost empty.

again, observation of the action (or omission) of certain human beings. None of us can know the condition of another person’s soul.

I’ve started to have to keep my head down before and after receiving, and even when I do not receive, because (while it’s valid, not sinful, etc.) communion in the hand is like being stabbed in the heart.

that is a personal preference, but you cannot be attacked or refused communion for kneeling.

And then I hear some of the statistics: 30% of Catholics believe in the Real Presence, 90 something % actively use contraception, somewhere in the 70 percents don’t even go to Mass, the abuse scandal.

again, judging actions, or reported actions, of certain individuals or groups.

There is bickering over the Liturgy, pious practices are being shunned in some areas, people do not know their faith, confession lines are empty and communion lines are full. And I ask myself: What’s happening?!

ditto. you are talking about humans who very often sin, who very often are in error, mistaught, rebellious, defiant and disobedient. Welcome to the human race.I

I see the Church I love wounded, bleeding, broken. I see Her barely able to stand. And I want to help. I want to bind Her wounds, nurse Her back to health and help her walk again. I want to heal the Church, but I feel powerless.

Yes that is why Christ is depicted on the Cross, he suffers as long as one human being suffers, as long as one human being sins.

I don’t know what to do. Even if I had the power, I wouldn’t know where or how to start

Service is the answer. Find someone to serve, because therein you see Christ… I.

you are making the mistake many of us do, judging the universal Church by the actions of some of her members, and in so doing, basing your faith on them, other flawed humans as we all are, rather than on her head, Jesus Christ.

Jesus said he came to call sinners, not the righteous so if you are in his Church you should expect to be surrounded by sinners, otherwise you may not be in the right place.