A
AlexMagdalena
Guest
Hello everyone,
I am brand new to this forum and I have come here seeking advice on some complex issues that I am having. I used to be an atheist, but certain life circumstances have proven to me just how utterly and completely wrong I was. It wasn’t that I flat out refused to believe there was a God; it was simply that the logical part of my mind would not accept it. I always used to say that I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it, and well…………I ended up becoming a living witness.
My entire life I have been involved in criminal activity. By the age of twenty (2002) I was already a career criminal and drug dealer. That same year I started to develop serious stomach problems and stomach bleeding. The problems only progressed and by the age of twenty - one I was diagnosed with an incurable terminal disease (a severe case of chronic pancreatitis). The doctor told me that in my case I would be dead within 10 years. My disease caused me to plunge further into the criminal world because I did not care about life anymore. But after five years of suffering from this disease I ended up meeting a Catholic spiritual healer that started talking to me about Jesus. He told me that Jesus had the power to heal and that he could take me through a spiritual healing process in which I would feel the healing power of Christ. So I went through the process and lo and behold it worked. As of October 20th 2007 I have been completely healed. It is a very long story of how this all happened, so this is just a brief synopsis. What happened to me is a medical impossibility and still to this day it is difficult for me to comprehend what happened. Since then I have turned away from the criminal life and become Catholic; I absolutely love everything about the Catholic religion. But the more spiritual that I am getting the more my issues are starting to surface. One of my most major issues is my issues with male authority figures and men In general. My issues are hindering me from developing a relationship with Jesus. Throughout my entire life I was never close with my father and even grew up with a heavy dislike towards him. I also spent a lot of time on the streets and the funny thing about being a drug dealer is that you get to see people for who they really are. I always used to see men who portray themselves as upstanding citizens in society buying drugs, picking up prostitutes etc. etc. This caused me to develop a dislike of men in general. Throughout my life it is always women and “mother figures” that help me. Women have saved my life on more than several occasions. This is why the thing I love most about the Catholic religion is the Virgin Mary. I absolutely love her and I can relate to a mother figure so much more easily than a father figure. I know that Jesus is God and man, but I cannot seem to get past the “man” part. I want to love Him and develop a relationship with Him, but when I see a “male authority figure” I automatically close off. I have a hard time trying to love a man and even directing my love towards a man. I also do not know where the line is drawn between a spiritual fear of the Lord and an unhealthy fear. On most occasions I am too afraid to approach Him. I am still trying to deal with a lot of trauma issues that occurred during my disease and the only thing that is keeping me afloat is Mary. Without her I would have given up on life a long time ago. She constantly tries to bring me closer to Jesus but I fear Him too much and cannot get passed the fact that He is male. I want to develop a relationship with Him but I can’t seem to overcome my “male authority figure” issues.
So I am hoping that people on here that are more knowledgeable than I am on this subject can help me. I also desperately need advice on how to accept my healing. It’s going to be three years since I have been healed and I can’t seem to get past the pain that I endured during that time. The easiest way to explain it is that I have only been healed physically and not mentally. People tell me that I’m a survivor and that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but I do not feel this way. I simply just feel beat up and damaged. If you took the time to read this, thank you.
-Alex
I am brand new to this forum and I have come here seeking advice on some complex issues that I am having. I used to be an atheist, but certain life circumstances have proven to me just how utterly and completely wrong I was. It wasn’t that I flat out refused to believe there was a God; it was simply that the logical part of my mind would not accept it. I always used to say that I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it, and well…………I ended up becoming a living witness.
My entire life I have been involved in criminal activity. By the age of twenty (2002) I was already a career criminal and drug dealer. That same year I started to develop serious stomach problems and stomach bleeding. The problems only progressed and by the age of twenty - one I was diagnosed with an incurable terminal disease (a severe case of chronic pancreatitis). The doctor told me that in my case I would be dead within 10 years. My disease caused me to plunge further into the criminal world because I did not care about life anymore. But after five years of suffering from this disease I ended up meeting a Catholic spiritual healer that started talking to me about Jesus. He told me that Jesus had the power to heal and that he could take me through a spiritual healing process in which I would feel the healing power of Christ. So I went through the process and lo and behold it worked. As of October 20th 2007 I have been completely healed. It is a very long story of how this all happened, so this is just a brief synopsis. What happened to me is a medical impossibility and still to this day it is difficult for me to comprehend what happened. Since then I have turned away from the criminal life and become Catholic; I absolutely love everything about the Catholic religion. But the more spiritual that I am getting the more my issues are starting to surface. One of my most major issues is my issues with male authority figures and men In general. My issues are hindering me from developing a relationship with Jesus. Throughout my entire life I was never close with my father and even grew up with a heavy dislike towards him. I also spent a lot of time on the streets and the funny thing about being a drug dealer is that you get to see people for who they really are. I always used to see men who portray themselves as upstanding citizens in society buying drugs, picking up prostitutes etc. etc. This caused me to develop a dislike of men in general. Throughout my life it is always women and “mother figures” that help me. Women have saved my life on more than several occasions. This is why the thing I love most about the Catholic religion is the Virgin Mary. I absolutely love her and I can relate to a mother figure so much more easily than a father figure. I know that Jesus is God and man, but I cannot seem to get past the “man” part. I want to love Him and develop a relationship with Him, but when I see a “male authority figure” I automatically close off. I have a hard time trying to love a man and even directing my love towards a man. I also do not know where the line is drawn between a spiritual fear of the Lord and an unhealthy fear. On most occasions I am too afraid to approach Him. I am still trying to deal with a lot of trauma issues that occurred during my disease and the only thing that is keeping me afloat is Mary. Without her I would have given up on life a long time ago. She constantly tries to bring me closer to Jesus but I fear Him too much and cannot get passed the fact that He is male. I want to develop a relationship with Him but I can’t seem to overcome my “male authority figure” issues.
So I am hoping that people on here that are more knowledgeable than I am on this subject can help me. I also desperately need advice on how to accept my healing. It’s going to be three years since I have been healed and I can’t seem to get past the pain that I endured during that time. The easiest way to explain it is that I have only been healed physically and not mentally. People tell me that I’m a survivor and that “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but I do not feel this way. I simply just feel beat up and damaged. If you took the time to read this, thank you.
-Alex
and it’s wonderful that you have a devotion to our Blessed Mother! That is a great gift. I’m sure that Christ understands that there are things in your past that are preventing you from fully opening up to Him. But all the things that you listed that those people did, are not present in Him. There is nothing evil in Jesus, He is pure goodness, love and mercy. The men that you met were sinners, and it’s the sin in them that made them this way. It was not how God planned for human beings to be, and what He created is all that is good in them - even if they paid no attention to it and it got lost in the sin. Also, all the goodness that is in Mary, was given to her by God, by Christ. I’m sure that God understands the journey you’re on now, and it might be a short or a long journey, but in any case, try to remember that Christ is not at all like the people we meet on earth. He would never do those things. I just went through a couple of weeks of feeling afraid of Jesus, and yesterday He helped me to understand His love more and I saw how unfounded my fears were. (I made a thread about this, if you are interested: