An extreme flirtation and Facebook piling-on

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indymb

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Is there room to put this relationship back together?

My wife had an “extreme flirtation,” exchanging explicit phone texts and emails over several months. No sex, and she says she wouldn’t. We started counseling with a Catholic former monk counselor.

Several weeks into counseling I found the following Facebook entry from my spouse’s account that left me questioning my spouse’s commitment to our very relationship. She’s Sb; I’m Mb
.
Sb
November 19 at 9:12am
Mb wrote on my wall. Yuck.
WTF does he mean anyway?

Person 1
November 19 at 9:13am
Reply
Let’s have a little look. 🙂

Person 2
November 19 at 9:25am
Reply
I’m thinking he’s thinking you know more about this
FB thing and you are displaying motherly qualities. Oy Vey
is right. What a schlemiel.

Person 1
November 19 at 9:28am
Reply
Sorry, I had to correct him. I have NEVER seen it written
as “vez.” And I don’t think it’s a good
idea for him to become friends with the whole crew, if
that’s what he’s thinking!

Sb
November 19 at 9:33am
Correct away.
Egad. There’s a bad thought. If he sends one do not
accept his friend invite.

Person 1
November 19 at 9:38am
Reply
NFW, baby.

Person 3
November 19 at 11:13am
Reply
I couldn’t help myself . . . I made a snarky comment
too . . .
And I’m half seriously thinking I need to
“block” him as a friend . . . but I’m afraid
it would bet too obvious.
We could always blame it on FB . . . it does weird **** all
the time . . . thoughts??

Sb
November 19 at 11:30am
Don’t block him. It would be too obvious…and you need
to play nice. It would probably freak the reptile brain.
He doesn’t have enough experience to know that FB has
been behaving strangely and he would get all paranoid.

Person 3
November 19 at 11:32am
Reply
That’s pretty much what I was thinking but I
“journaled aloud” . . . dang! I know somebody else
who does that!

Sb
November 19 at 11:36am
Think he’d freak if I blocked him? LOL
Besides, if I wanted to send him over the edge I’d
change my marital status.

Person 1
November 19 at 11:46am
Reply
I seem to recall suggesting deliberately sending him over
the edge. 🙂 Then again, I’m the slut without morals,
bless my trashy little heart. LOL Problem is, what reason
would I have for not accepting - what would he say to you?
Perhaps the answer is a preventive strike - I send HIM a
friend request, but block him from all my info - status
feeds, profile, etc. Whatcha thinkin?

Sb
November 19 at 11:53am
No! Don’t send him a friend request. It’s none of
his damn business what we talk about. I will not tolerate
him looking over my shoulder all the time.
I don’t know all of his friends. He doesn’t need to
know all of mine.

Person 1
November 19 at 12:02pm
Reply
That’s right. Just looking out for you. 🙂 Is he still
looking over your shoulder? How many Tuesdays do you have
left? How was yesterday?

Person 3
November 19 at 12:43pm
Reply
Married people are allowed to have friends who aren’t
friends with the other partner . . . even ones of the
opposite sex. I read it in the “married people”
manual.
And I think you need to leave this moral compass thing by
the wayside. You’re Catholic . . . you’ll have
enough guilt to last this and several more lifetimes at the
rate you’re going if you don’t. We want to avoid
having so much guilt that you can’t enjoy life and other
perks once you’re shut of this eejet. Just a thought.
And I think “tart” is a better term than
“slut” . . . means the same but sounds more
refined (snigger) . . . and I have always like the word
“hussy” . . . minx and strumpet are right up there
too! Slattern is a great word but carries a lot of negative
connotations unfortunately, as does harlot . . . vamp
connotes exhibitionism and wench is kinda bland . . . so . .
. there are several descriptives to choose from . . .
what’s your fav?

Person 1
November 19 at 12:54pm
Reply
Ooooh, another game! Then I’ll get to the guilt/moral
compass thing, etc. Like vixen, but it doesn’t carry the
right connotation, it’s more like just flirting.
Although dictionary.com defines it as a quarrelsome woman,
so we’ll nix that one. Slattern is good, mainly because
no one knows WTF you’re talking about! But it has a
lower class connotation snorting also. Tart is great. So
is minx. I’m okay, though, with being slutty. LMAO
As for guilt, well, that’s why I gave up my morals. All
you can do is live your life the way you think you need to
and bag judgment. Okay yes, you’re Catholic and
that’s hard to do, but in the big scheme of things, over
the measure of your entire life, you ain’t doing nothing
bad. Geez, did that make any sense??

Sb
November 19 at 1:15pm
I’m a hussy and Person 1’s a tart. Woohoo! I tend
to think of strumpet’s as tall women…
No guilt associated with “the Other Guy” and Mnpls. Just regret…that
I didn’t do more with him. Not sure what
“more” means at the moment. Next time I see him
“more” will be different than it was.
“Moral compass” kept me from jumping his bones in
Mnpls. Which was good…on several fronts. I’m almost to
the point where I could take him to bed and not feel guilty.
When I reach that point (note the when) it will be a
decision made without overwhelming pheromone influence.
I’m enjoying life much more than I have in years. I owe
part of that to “the Other Guy”. I’m not turning back.

Person 1
November 19 at 1:25pm
Reply
OMG, I’m still laughing - yesterday I tried to tell
Person 3 that there was an advantage to being short:

You can say this - when you jump his bones, it won’t be
done without CONSIDERABLE consideration. If you know what I
mean!

Sb
November 19 at 1:28pm
I know what you mean. And I am going to enjoy myself…and
him…thoroughly…and repeatedly. Whew. Smelling salts!
Medic!
 
Awesome. I tried to follow the conversation but kinda got lost. Is this for real? I’m mean your doin a poll to see which way ya should go? 🤷

I’m kinda cautious this some kind of free entertainment and all since I see its your first post. Having said all that, I reckon I’ll play along.

Does she know this guy personally? Do you?

If so, shoot him a email and tell him to stop it, and that you know what’s goin on.

She has violated your trust. She forfeits alot of things in my way of thinking. I’d check her phone records, and look for google or hot mail email accounts, you can find them on the browswer history if she already hasn’t deleted it.

I assume your Catholic, so I’m not gonna mention the D word, but you need to know what you’re dealing with, and right now you don’t really know what kind of woman she is.
 
If she respects you and your marriage, and finds you are sincerely offended and concerned, is she intending to drop this sort of virtual interaction? This is the next question that is likely to be meaningful with regard to your relationship
 
It does sound like she is not very happy with you at the moment. It must have been very hard to read all that. She seems very angry with you.

I’m not sure it is such a great idea to start leafing through all of her correspondance though - not sure if you really want to know everything that goes through her mind or is discussed with her friends.

It’s hard to forget things like that, and I would think it would be hard to move on/repair the damage if you know so many details…
 
She may be right that you are reading more into it than you should, but if she really doesn’t mean it and is just venting, that begs the question is she really sensitize herself to that position she doesn’t want to go down. Granted there may be a subtle line between just venting frustration, and actually going through with ideas in keeping with bad faith toward the relationship, but if your in counseling, one must be disciplined to avoid all that.

She’s going to have to decide for herself with what she wants to commit. She can hedge, but both sides are going to come down on her hard. Of course she maybe happy with the other guy, but what makes her happy with the other guy, maybe the exact same thing that could doom any relationship with him. It may not be the guy, but who you cultivate the relationship. It would be like you see a type of plant that gives a bumper crop. You decide to dig up a few plants for yourself, only to find next year, there was no bumper crop. It may not be your plants, but your gardening ability.

For you, I’d say, you need to detect to a certain extent, but mainly you need to center yourself, like a rock on firm ground. Do not assume she will leave nor assume she will stay. Do you really need to read more? It will probably just be more of the same, until you can sense some change from her. Continue to go to counseling, but do not let her not you off your balance. Pray to help. You may ask God to change her, but don’t expect too much. What you really need to ask is for God to change you. You may also have problems cultivating the relationship too, perhaps new ways will open up to you. Perhaps you may just find comfort. In the end there is no guarantee she will stay, though hopefully things will work out. Either way you may find personal growth either way, that will be for the benefit of others.
 
Extreme flirtation is not proper. That conversation wasn’t proper. She seems rather unhappy, though. Perhaps there are some unresolved issues between you. I would suggest counselling, but you’re doing that already. So, perhaps you need to address this thing in counselling too. Don’t allow yourself to be told that this kind of conversation is okay to have. At the same time, I don’t think sifting through her correspondence would be a great thing. I don’t know what to suggest at this point, but I suppose the counsellor wil.
 
Wow. How horrible! My heart was aching for you while I read it.

I agree, you should print this off and bring it up in counselling. It sounds like she is not committed to helping repair your relationship, which is such a shame. I wish I could offer you advice. I would see the counsel of a priest. God bless you- you have my prayers.
 
there are several issues of trust and violation of marital fidelity you both need to work on, and I hope you continue intense marriage counselling for this, one of those issues is repeating another persons’ conversation to third parties on the internet.
 
puzzleannie said:
there are several issues of trust and violation of marital fidelity you both need to work on, and I hope you continue intense marriage counselling for this, one of those issues is repeating another persons’ conversation to third parties on the internet.
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I don’t agree at all. This is one of those cases where this is truly anonymous. If this poster is for real, he is seriously hurting and confused. There is no one else he could go to for an opinion on this (anyone who knows him, or his wife, or both) because that would be a serious breach of trust.
 
you can ask for advice without violating a confidence, and nothing justifies that. and NO the internet is not anonymous, and anyone who labors under that delusion is sooner or later going to find out otherwise. but I am profoundly grateful this forum includes such kind and wise people like FW, lily, barbara and the many others who do provide that kind listening ear
 
puzzleannie said:
you can ask for advice without violating a confidence, and nothing justifies that. and NO the internet is not anonymous, and anyone who labors under that delusion is sooner or later going to find out otherwise. but I am profoundly grateful this forum includes such kind and wise people like FW, lily, barbara and the many others who do provide that kind listening ear
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**
I didn’t mean anonymous is the strictest sense… just that neither I nor anyone else reading this would have a clue who these people are. There is no personal info.

I just hope that if the OP is sincere, that he gets the help he needs and at the very least some prayers from all of us for his struggling marriage:gopray:**
 
Unfortunately, this is real. I wish it weren’t. And part of me wishes I hadn’t posted, but I’m a bit desperate for advice. I wish that my spouse could see directly into my heart, and I into hers. I’ve spoken with friends and they have been supportive. And they even support my continuing to work on this relationship. Thanks for prayers. Really.
 
puzzleannie said:
you can ask for advice without violating a confidence, and nothing justifies that. and NO the internet is not anonymous, and anyone who labors under that delusion is sooner or later going to find out otherwise. but I am profoundly grateful this forum includes such kind and wise people like FW, lily, barbara and the many others who do provide that kind listening ear
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Well, the entire conversation is on Facebook for anyone who’s a friend of this woman and also of her FB friends to see. Just how much confidentiality has he broken when it’s public record?

I have no expectation of privacy when I post something on my Facebook wall.
 
indymb said:
Unfortunately, this is real. I wish it weren’t. And part of me wishes I hadn’t posted, but I’m a bit desperate for advice. I wish that my spouse could see directly into my heart, and I into hers. I’ve spoken with friends and they have been supportive. And they even support my continuing to work on this relationship. Thanks for prayers. Really.
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Reading what you posted would lead me to believe you wife has already been unfaithful while in Mnpls.

You both seem to have poorly formed boundries.

Her for flirting and possibly having an affair and you for toleratng the behavior.

See your priest and if she continues her behavior I would seek out her parents assistance. Once loved ones know what she is doing it will become less addictive for her when her behavior is exposed to the light of day.
 
I wouldn’t like to sound antagonistic, but I don’t think sharing a publicly held Facebook conversation on a message board less public than Facebook itself is a violation of trust on par with an emotional affair. It is not what a perfect person would do, but it’s better than dooming the person to bottle it up and have only himself to talk about it. It just doesn’t appear very loyal, but there’s no actual secret being divulged, I think.
 
This information was not intended to be read by anyone here. Do not post private communication exchanges anywhere on CAF.
 
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