An obsession with romantic love

[EphelDuath]

I’ve always wanted to be in love with somebody; a wife that loved me as much as I loved her. But I don’t know if I’m meant to have this or not. Plenty of people, especially St. Joseph have had a loving wife and still served God, so I’ve often thought that so long as God is my #1, this deep desire in my heart could be fulfilled as my #2, God willing.

But I’ve been so conflicted about this. Why should I desire love that I know can only be fulfilled by God, who is by essence love and happiness themselves? Is it wrong for me to want to have a loving wife? If I dropped this desire, there would be absolutely nothing but my own sins blocking me from serving God: I would have no obligations to do anything but fulfill the word of God. So in that sense, it seems to me that I’m “serving two masters” by both desiring to be saintly to God and desiring to have true love with a spouse.

And this is the most troublesome thought I’ve ever had: St. Paul says that to love Christ is to suffer with him, for his sake, as he suffered for us. But if I found true love, then the only earthly desire I could ever have would be fulfilled, and I wouldn’t be suffering anymore. But then again, I don’t want to end up like Soren Kierkegaard, who found true love, gave it up for the sake of Christ, but then died a miserable wreck because he wanted his love back.

‘He who fears God will pay careful attention to his soul and will free himself from communion with evil. If you abandon God and are a slave to the passions you cannot reap God’s mercy. Even if we do not wish to believe Him, it was Jesus who said that no one can serve two masters (cf. Matt. 6:24). A soul defiled by the passions becomes obdurate: it has to undergo knife and cautery before it recovers its faith. Fearful afflictions await the hard of heart, for without great sufferings they cannot become pliable and responsive. A wise man pays careful attention to himself, and by freely choosing to suffer escapes the suffering that comes unsought.’

St. Thalassios the Libyan

 

[JaredR]

Have you read any books about the theology of the body? I have a feeling that if you study these teachings, you will discover that #1 and #2 aren’t as different as you think. It sounds like you believe–consciously or not–that marriage detracts from the pursuit of holiness. I think the theology of the body would challenge some of your unconscious assumptions.

 

[Stylites]

You ought not feel so conflicted, Ephel. Marriage is a vocation and a sacrament which most people are called to, and your task is to discern what your vocation is.

.

 

[Monica4316]

If marriage is your vocation, it’s not wrong at all… in that case, God would be glorified through the marriage. All good things come from God. All the loving people in our lives are gifts from Him. If you’re meant to marry and would have a wife, your wife would be God’s gift to you and an expression of His love - and you would be this for her, too.

If you’re not meant to marry, then you will find this love in God alone. (and nothing would be lacking).

It depends what your vocation is… try to surrender to God’s will and trust in His goodness it’s very difficult to make it through these doubts/trials without much trust.

 

[baltobetsy]

But if I found true love, then the only earthly desire I could ever have would be fulfilled, and I wouldn’t be suffering anymore.

If you ever have the true love you desire, you’ll learn soon enough that suffering is an integral part of true love.

Betsy

 

[Ferds_Guiang]

I believe loving God is most perfectly done by loving others. So essentially Christian love includes also the love for a partner in life. You will have to determine though if the married life is for you or not.

 

[tinalewis]

As a middle-aged (and proud of it) married woman, I’d like to point out that if people didn’t feel the same longings you feel right now, the human race would have died out ages ago.

My husband is a faithful Catholic and a faithful husband. One can be both. I really don’t believe that God would ask men to be husbands if it meant they’re be miserable. And I also don’t believe God would ask men to be husbands if it meant that these men would neglect Him and His church.